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| Look at Any Clock Telling Time; Elliott/Briar | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 7 2013, 02:32:22 AM (733 Views) | |
| Elliott Fix | Jan 14 2013, 02:02:40 AM Post #21 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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He returned her kisses, following her lead; soft then strong. He wanted to give her everything she wanted. Exactly like she wanted it. He let go of her just long enough to tug his shirt up over his head and then his hands were back on her and he was kissing her again and... ...and later, he was sitting on the ground on a pile of their clothes, leaning against the lower cabinets, clutching Briar against him with his left arm and running his right hand through her hair. His heart was still racing and he was covered in a sheen of sweat. He felt like he should say something, but he didn't know what. Starting over again to put off having to speak was really appealing in that moment. Unfortunately, biology dictated a temporary physical impossibility of a repeat performance so quickly. "Well," he said instead, still a bit out of breath. |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 14 2013, 02:25:58 AM Post #22 |
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Kelci; muggle
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Briar curled up against him and felt her breathing synchronize with his. She would have given nearly anything to just be silent for a while, but the second he said a word she felt obligated to do the same. She covered his racing heart with her hand and closed her eyes. "Do you think it's possible to love someone too much?" she asked, genuinely wanting to know what he thought. "Because I don't think you're selfish exactly, and I don't think I am, either," she explained quietly, "I just love you so much that it's all I can think about sometimes. And sometimes I end up doing really stupid things just trying to protect you." |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 14 2013, 03:49:34 AM Post #23 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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"I love you too, Briar, so much I-" He wanted to answer her question, but the thing she'd just said gave him a more pressing question of his own. "What are you trying to protect me from?" The only thing he was really in danger of was the public finding out he was a wizard before the time was right, and Briar had very little influence over that. |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 14 2013, 04:29:14 AM Post #24 |
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Kelci; muggle
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She kissed his shoulder, "I don't even know. Everything." Mostly himself. "I just hate seeing you upset," she added with another kiss. |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 14 2013, 06:43:12 PM Post #25 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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He ran his fingers up and down her side. "So what stupid things are you doing to keep me from being upset, then?" He kissed the top of her head. He knew he'd been stressed and grumpy and he hated that she felt in anyway responsible for that. |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 14 2013, 07:17:38 PM Post #26 |
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Kelci; muggle
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"Well ... mostly things that end up upsetting you anyway," she admitted with a sigh. "I think I kind of smother you sometimes." She didn't want to get into specifics because if she did, she wasn't sure that she could keep avoiding the baby conversation. And avoiding it was something she definitely wanted to do. |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 14 2013, 08:23:24 PM Post #27 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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"Okay, so just... be honest with me. I don't like being coddled, anyhow. I don't want you to feel like you have to say things you don't mean to protect my feelings. That's ridiculous. I'm a grown up man; I can take it," he promised, kissing her on the head once more. He sighed and leaned his head on top of hers. "Here's some honesty from me: I love you and I want you to be happy. And I would really like it if you would let me try and make you happy sometimes. You do so much and I know you like doing it, but sometimes I'd just really like to take care of you. I want to give you everything. Not just things that are convenient to me." |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 14 2013, 09:18:42 PM Post #28 |
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Kelci; muggle
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She sighed again. If they were going to do this, she was just going to be honest. "I'm sorry, I know that must be frustrating for you. Honestly, I just ... don't like being taken care of. I'm used to having control and it's really difficult for me to let myself be vulnerable. Even around you." She was embarrassed to actually have to say that out loud and she turned her face into his neck. "I need you to call me out on it, Fix. I promise to try, but I'm not going to notice on my own." |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 25 2013, 11:57:16 PM Post #29 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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"Okay, but first... if you could not call me 'Fix' when we're having a serious conversation... or naked on the kitchen floor... or especially when both are happening at the same time... that would be great. Angry, ugly men and newspaper reporters and acquaintances I hardly know call me 'Fix.' And I know you've been doing it forever, and I don't mind it other times... but it just makes me feel like there's distance between us at times like these when all I want is to be closer to you." He felt stupid for feeling that way, but he couldn't help it. Fix was who he was to the rest of the world. It was his surname and it was impersonal and he couldn't help thinking of it that way because that was the way it was used. He truly didn't think about it most of the time; if they were having a laugh or doing anything decidedly less intimate. It was emotionally jarring to hear it in moments like these- it made him feel out of sorts. That, on top of the fact that he was already an emotional disaster. |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 26 2013, 12:46:41 AM Post #30 |
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Kelci; muggle
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She shifted to look up at him, frowning slightly. "I didn't know it bothered you, love." She'd been calling him Fix since ... well, since she'd met him. Everyone had back then. She understood how it was different now, but it never would have occurred to her on her own. It was his name and she used it affectionately. If he had said anything about it, ever, she would have stopped. "Why didn't you say anything before?" She had been willing to accept that her trying to protect him was probably most of the problem, but she was a little frustrated now. They were constantly, accidentally, working against each other and it was obviously making everything more difficult. |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 26 2013, 01:19:03 AM Post #31 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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He briefly squeezed her tighter and sighed. "Because I was trying to get over it before. It's just a name and I shouldn't let it have connotations like that, but apparently I can't help it. I'm sorry. I've got emotional baggage in the strangest places. I'll take anything else you want to call me: 'Elliott' or 'love' or 'you daft man.' I could probably watch you flirt with customers at your restaurant and not even bat an eyelash, but call me 'Fix' while we're being intimate and I feel alienated. I'm sorry," he apologized again. He leaned down and kissed her. "I've probably just fucked all our progress and made you worried about hurting my feelings again, haven't I? Don't worry about it, honestly; I'm just a loony. I'm just tired of not knowing what you want. That sounds- I don't meant it that way. I mean, you tell me you want certain things and then by the time I've wrapped my mind around it, you've changed yours. Which is fine! It's totally- you can change your mind all the time. I'm not upset about that. I just feel like maybe you're changing it to fit what you think I want. Compromise is all well and good, but it's not really compromise if you're doing it all in your head and leaving any actual discussion with me out of it. "And maybe I'm completely off base, but either way we need to communicate better. Because knowing what you want is really important to me." |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 26 2013, 02:13:51 AM Post #32 |
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Kelci; muggle
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"You drive me mad, Elliott Fix. I love you, I love you just, so much, but Jesus." She turned around fully and took his face in her hands. "There is not a single thing that I want, you don't need to keep obsessing over making me happy. I have a home- two, even, I have a very successful business that leaves me with plenty of time to enjoy my beautiful daughter and my amazing husband who always leaves his ...reasonably safe office, where he works hard to make the world better, as soon as he possibly can even if that's sometimes late and who, as far as I know, doesn't have a single mistress even though he's just ... incredible to look at." She smiled at him fondly so he would know the last part was definitely just a joke. She dropped her hands from his face. "What else could I possibly need to be happy, Fi- you daft man?" She leaned in to kiss him softly. "When I change my mind- and I know I do that a fair amount- it's almost always because I'm so happy that I get ahead of myself." That was extremely true even if she hadn't fully realized it until just then. "I was so happy to finally be with you that I tried to rush the wedding. And once I got over being terrified of being a mum, once Ruby started rolling over and smiling, all I wanted was to have all of those exciting moments again right away. All I've ever done is push you, and that isn't fair at all. I need to think more before I talk ... or at least be more careful about it because it's just so easy- you make it so easy to get excited about the future that I just-" she stopped and shook her head, "I guess I try to sprint towards it." |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 26 2013, 03:25:40 AM Post #33 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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He sat up a little straighter and brought his hands up to hold her face for a turn. "Okay, well, what's wrong with that? I would have married you in an instant if I could have; you know I would have." He leaned in and kissed her quickly. "I love you and I just... want to give you all the special moments you deserve." Which was another thing she had asked for. His hands trailed down to rest on her shoulders instead. "Like finding out you're pregnant and being happy instead of devastated and having someone reliable to go with you to appointments because there isn't anyone else you have to ask first and having a newborn and having a husband that is there to wake up with you every time the baby cries that first week instead of an insecure jackass that leaves you alone out of fear of rejection. I'm not- I'm not obsessing about making you happy. We have had some bloody awful times, and I'm responsible for some of them. Don't try to coddle me and tell me I'm not, or that you're happy now so it doesn't matter. I'm pleased as punch that you're happy. So let me be happy, too. Let me make new memories with you. It's not sprinting towards anything if we both want it now; it's running away." |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 26 2013, 04:34:43 AM Post #34 |
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Kelci; muggle
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She wasn't going to argue; they'd had some truly awful times. She hadn't forgotten, she just didn't like dwelling on it. The nights he'd spent in his flat after she brought Ruby home were some of the very few times he'd ever really, really hurt her. She closed her eyes for a long second, then looked back up at him. All she wanted was for him to be happy, that was exactly it. She knew him better than probably anyone else, and she knew that it would destroy him if he was this excited to have a baby and then missed it. The fact of the matter was, the entire world was in turmoil and he was at the center of it, whether he acknowledged his importance in it or not. It was only a matter of time before he was revealed to be a wizard, and then things would only be crazier. Briar felt fairly confident that she could handle it; her only important job was to take care of Ruby and Elliott. But he already had so much going on that, as hard as he tried, he couldn't always be home. She didn't want him to have to sacrifice anything, so waiting seemed like the best option. And anyway, she wasn't sure she could do it alone again. She couldn't tell him without being accused of trying to coddle him again, but it was getting harder not to admit why she didn't think they should have a baby. "I want you to be happy, Elliott," she covered his hands with her own, willing herself not to cry because she was absolute rubbish when she was emotional, "But right now, it doesn't feel much like running away. I wasn't ready last time, and granted, that turned out ...perfectly, but I don't want another awful moment that turns out in the end." Edited by Briar Fix, Jan 26 2013, 04:35:57 AM.
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 26 2013, 09:45:36 PM Post #35 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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That hurt, kind of more than a lot. But it also felt pretty well deserved. His throat burned and he promised himself he wouldn't get emotional. Because Briar would regret telling him anything if he got too upset. And then where would they be? Stuck in another awful moment. Which is also where Briar thought they would be if they had a baby. He nodded his head and squeezed her shoulders gently. "I don't want that either. I don't think it would be." It would be different; he was sure. They were two years past that. And it would be his baby; his and Briar's and no one else's. They were together now and they weren't then. He didn't see HOW it could be awful now. But she was apparently so sure it would be that she didn't want it. She was telling him two different things and it didn't add up. In one sentence she said that she loved him so much that she was just so excited about everything that she wanted it now, and in the next said that those things would be awful. It didn't make sense. Except that maybe he was an awful father and hadn't realized it. He tried so hard to be good. He loved Ruby and she loved him. He wasn't home a lot, but that wasn't his fault. And he saved any work he had to do at home for when Ruby was sleeping. By accounts, he was better than his own father had been about those things. He wanted to tell her he would try harder, but would she even believe him? He'd promised her that before. He felt like he was trying harder. He tried so hard. And it wasn't enough. He didn't know how to make it enough and she wouldn't tell him. He kissed the corner of her mouth and started groping around for his underwear. |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 27 2013, 02:20:01 AM Post #36 |
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Kelci; muggle
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She was quick to wipe the back of her hand across her cheekbone and looked up at the ceiling for a second before grabbing Elliott's shirt from the floor and tugging it over her head. She hooked her thumbs under the neck and lifted it up so she could smell it. She felt horrible. There was nothing that she hated more than upsetting him, but this time she felt like she was saving him from a much bigger hurt. Still. "You make me feel so guilty sometimes," she admitted, hurrying to wipe away a few stray tears with his shirt. |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 27 2013, 05:24:38 AM Post #37 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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He tugged on his boxer-briefs while she put on his shirt. He saw her swipe at her tears and he was crushed. Briar had cried a lot when she was pregnant, but otherwise did not cry. And he had no clue why she was crying now. He put what he hoped was a comforting hand on her thigh, but she either didn't notice or didn't care; she just snuggled further into the shirt. He moved to face her and pulled the shirt away from her face and brushed her tears away with his thumbs. "The feeling is mutual, Briar," he tried to say gently, but it really just came out sad. "You're crying and you're taking more comfort in my shirt than me, and I'm right here! I must be a terrible husband," he let go of her face and ran his hands though his hair. "I just- look at us!" He gestured between them. "You keep telling me you're happy because you feel like you should be; you have all the right ingredients but your metaphorical soufflé fell flat. You know what that's called?" He dropped his hands into his lap. "That's called depression. That's- that's nothing specific is wrong but everything feels wrong anyway. And that's okay- you don't have to have a reason to feel things. Or maybe I'm giving you reasons but you won't tell me. You should talk to someone- we both should." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry you feel bad." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I don't want anything but you, okay? Just you- I mean it," he promised into her hair. |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 28 2013, 01:37:04 AM Post #38 |
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Kelci; muggle
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She was expecting to completely fall apart when he pulled her back into his arms. Instead, she just felt tired. She curled up against him and rested her head on his shoulder and for once just let him hold her. "You don't smell like you right now, you smell like me," she finally explained after another silence. It had nothing to do with not being comforted by him and everything to do with the fact that she'd been all over him less than thirty minutes ago. "I would tell you that you're the furthest you could be from terrible, but you never seem to believe me anyway so why bother," she added, feeling sort of bitter, but sounding just ... tired. And maybe a little- quite sad. "I'm sorry, too, but I'm not depressed, Elliott. I'm just sad right now, in this one moment. And I'm just ... I'm just done." If she really did think she needed help, she wouldn't have any problem with seeking it. And maybe it would be good for them to see someone together, but she wasn't depressed; she'd sat through enough psychology courses to know the difference. "I can't keep trying to convince you I'm happy, because having to convince you is the only thing right now that does make me unhappy. I don't understand how every conversation we have ends up here. Do I actually seem that miserable?" Right now, maybe she did seem miserable. But she could count the times she'd felt like this on one hand. No, she didn't always say the right things or react the way he expected her to, but that didn't usually mean she was upset. She was just constantly thinking five steps ahead trying to look after everyone. She couldn't very well help it if she could sometimes see further than he could. It was an exhausting and thankless job to care as much as Briar did. |
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| Elliott Fix | Jan 28 2013, 04:11:14 AM Post #39 |
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*Kara; s:c | w:p
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Elliott pulled Briar onto his lap and leaned his head on top of hers. He shrugged at her final question. "It seems like you're lying to me tonight," he finally admitted. "That's what it seems like. Not about being miserable, necessarily. You've just contradicted yourself so many times tonight I don't really know what to believe. Believing you're depressed made the most sense; you seem to be exhibiting a lot of the symptoms. And apparently you've hid being miserable from me before- or maybe you haven't. You contradicted yourself about that, too. You just... you haven't given me straight answers about anything. And that in itself is another symptom of depression, so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you feel like I was jumping to conclusions- from my point of view, it wasn't much of a jump. He took a deep breath and held her closer. He felt foolish for feeling this way, but felt it needed to be said. "I'm sorry for my insecurity about you, too. We had a lot of years where you very specifically didn't want me. Then when finally it seemed like maybe you did want me, you were seeing someone else. And you kept seeing that someone else for weeks after that. It took you a week to say yes when I proposed... I felt so certain of you and you kept doing things that made me feel like you weren't as certain. It's hard to get over that. You can tell me a million times that you love me so much it hurts, but then tell me in the next breath that having a baby with me would be awful... that's what hurts, Briar. I don't mean it like some stupid ultimatum either. I don't mind waiting; I wanted to wait. I just mean that you could even think that... God, how can I not think I'm terrible? He started speaking quicker, aware now that he had said a lot and would most likely be interrupted, but he felt like he needed to get it all out. "You have this beautiful daughter and I am so lucky I get to share her with you and with Kevin. I can't even begin to describe what loving her is like. She gives new meaning to the phrase 'red-headed step-child'; she is so exquisitely not mine. If anything happened to you, that would be it for me and her. Kevin's a perfectly fit father, she'd go live with him and I wouldn't even get to have her every Tuesday night and every other weekend. She's so young; she'd forget that she ever had me. Or if you left me... I am so insanely jealous of you and Kevin for that. The only thing that can take her away from you is death. The only thing keeping her with me is you." He swallowed hard. "And sometimes I don't feel good enough for you." |
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| Briar Fix | Jan 28 2013, 05:31:37 AM Post #40 |
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Kelci; muggle
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She was hung up on his accusation. Because she was lying, and she was terrible at it. She hadn't expected the conversation to go this far or she wouldn't have even tried to begin with. She tried somewhat frantically to piece an explanation together in her mind, only half-absorbing what he was saying for the next few seconds. She snapped suddenly back to the present and waited with words on the tip of her tongue for him to stop talking. "I-" she started, but he wasn't done. Suddenly anything she was going to say felt completely unimportant. "Elliott-" she didn't know where to go, so she left his name hanging there and tried to ignore the urge to cry again. She'd had no idea he was thinking about Ruby like that, but that didn't mean she hadn't been. That she didn't all the time. She was acutely aware, every second, that Ruby wasn't theirs, and it hurt to think about. And the guilt that came from thinking about it hurt, too. Somehow, knowing he felt it too made it hurt a little less. She swallowed hard, matching his speed without even meaning to. "All the stupid things I've done, ever, in my whole life, ninety percent of them have involved you. I have made ... just, God, so many mistakes. I've borderline sabotaged most of your relationships because I couldn't just admit I wanted you to myself. I've taken advantage of you when you were vulnerable. I've toyed with your emotions and abused your patience, and I'm so sorry for all of that. I can't even tell you how sorry. I hate that our relationship started with deceit and I hate that it's always taken me so fucking long to say yes to you. You are not terrible, but I don't know, I guess I am. Because I've loved you for as long as I've known you and I'm still, for whatever reason, afraid. It has always been you. But you're a hard person for a girl like me to love because you don't... you just don't need me. Emotionally, maybe, but you're so much better, and so much smarter, and so much more ambitious than I could ever hope to be. You don't need me looking out for you, that's not the kind of love you need. Because every time I try, I ruin everything." She paused very briefly to press the heels of her hands against her eyes for a second. "Having a baby with you is possibly the least-awful thing I can think of. It's, god, it's all I can think about sometimes. A lot of the time- almost constantly. I'm just so afraid, for so many reasons. I'm afraid to leave work again, I'm afraid I'll love our baby more than I love Ruby," she admitted the last part quietly. That was one of the things that worried her the most. She didn't see how it could be possible to not love their baby more than the child she'd had with a man she had lukewarm feelings for, at best. "But what I'm the most scared of is you. You've missed so much of Ruby, and believe me, I know you wouldn't if you could possibly help it, and I know that you're around as much as you can be. And that's enough, that's all I could ever want. You are an amazing dad, you've sacrificed a lot to be around, and I really ... I couldn't ever ask for a better father for her. Seeing you hurt when you can't be there is- horrible. Because it's not something you've chosen. You can't very well help that the entire world is in revolt with you about as in the thick of it as you can get. I understand; I know that you have to be gone sometimes, and I can deal with that when I have to. But I don't want you to have to wrestle with the responsibilities of taking care of a new baby... or a pregnant wife, for that matter, when there are things much, much bigger than that that you need to take care of. I can wait to have a baby, even it's incredibly hard to wait, even if I don't completely want to, if that means you won't have to be sad. I know you might never have the ability to be home as often as you'd like to be, and that's alright. But right now everything is ... completely mad. I just-" She made herself stop trying to explain. If he understood, he understood. If he didn't ... she wasn't really sure. |
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2:47 PM Jul 11