Forgive Me First Love 1/1

Forgive Me First Love 1/1; Callie/Erica
Topic Started: Nov 6 2008, 02:04 PM (247 Views)
ithinkyourewonderful	Nov 6 2008, 02:04 PM Post #1
Team Hahn Posts: 66 Group: Interns Member #188 Joined: October 3, 2008 Favorite Character Erica Hahn, Miranda Bailey, Cristina Yang Favorite Couple Callie/Erica	First Love By C. Disclaimer: ABC/ShondaLand’s. No copyright infringement intended. The title is from Adele’s ‘First Love’. Notes: So – this originally started just ‘cause, and then news of Brooke Smith’s unceremonious firing hit the wires and then this just begged to be finished (and the beginning was left minimally unaltered). As I was finishing however spoilers began leaking… as much as I like sticking as close to canon as I can, I’m gonna deviate from the 'death' rumors here in hopes for a happy ending… Also - this is totally unbeta'd so all faults are mine and mine alone! ^&* Erica Hahn disappeared. For five days after the incident she did not answer her phone, she did not appear at work, she did not return e-mails. She wasn’t irresponsible about it – no, she had arranged a few days off with Patricia. She rescheduled her few minor surgeries. She dropped off her old scrubs to be cleaned. On the first day Callie thought of her and sent her a text. Exs could send texts, couldn’t they? On the second day Callie missed her and called her. Twice. Once at home and once on her cell. She even left voicemails. On the third day Callie felt her absence and snapped at everyone who came within a three-foot radius of her. On the fourth day she drove by Erica’s apartment on her way home from work (which was ridiculous because she actually lived across the street from the hospital while Erica lived a good twenty minutes away, thirty five in rush hour traffic – which Callie got caught in). On the fifth day Erica returned to Seattle Grace casually – as if she had never been gone. Callie stood on the breezeway at some ungodly early hour, watching the sun rise through the glass walls of Seattle Grace when Erica walked in. Her hair was in loose curls around her face and she wore her glasses. Until her breakdown about the leaves, Callie had forgotten that Erica wore glasses – she had seen them only once, after a night of dancing and then crashing at Callie’s place, Erica had realized she had misplaced one of her contacts and had to pull out her glasses until she could make it to the spare set in her locker at work. While Erica hated them because they were a sign of weakness, a flaw, Callie thought they were cute – they were slim, rectangular tortoise shell, the brown of which made her blue eyes sparkle even more in comparison. As Callie watched Erica make her way past the elevators and towards the stairwell, she set her jaw firm like a stubborn four year old. If Erica wasn’t going to care, she wasn’t going to either. Instead she pulled out her cell phone from her pocket and texted Mark to see if he wanted to join her for lunch. %$# As quietly as Erica returned to Seattle Grace was as quietly as she cornered both Miranda Bailey and Meredith Grey and offered a quick and humble apology about her attitude towards the tumor removal surgery. And just as swiftly as she found them did she turn on her heel and disappeared, leaving them speechless and stunned. Today was not a usual day. Erica Hahn did not usually apologize. Erica Hahn did not usually wear her glasses. And Erica Hahn did not usually spend her days at Seattle Grace hidden in a conference room with the blinds half closed. Today was not a usual day. The last few days were introspective days, one filled with minimal speech outside of ordering her favorite dish from the Thai place around the corner or her ordering her coffee in the mornings and Erica wasn’t quiet ready to let go of the peace that came with silence. Once, in a rare moment of distraction, she raised her head to work out a kink in her neck she caught sight of Callie walking down the hall with a patient, and they were laughing. She couldn’t help but watch her and smile, and then the smile died and Erica lowered her head and got back to work. She no longer gave Callie the right to make her smile. ^&* “So are you gonna talk to her or what Torres?” Sloan asked, shoveling food into his mouth. “Ewww. You’re disgusting, you know that?” Callie replied, tossing a handful of napkins in his direction. “You are such a boy.” “That may be. Answer the question.” “We broke up. You know that. I know that. She knows that. The whole hospital knows that after the scene I made!” Callie angrily bit down on a carrot and squirmed under Sloan’s gaze. “What? I’ve tried, OK? I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, and I’ve tried. It’s not even like she’s ignoring me, more like I don’t even exist.” Callie angrily speared a cherry tomato and popped it into her mouth, so distracted that she forgot she didn’t like raw tomatoes. “I exist, right? You see me, my patients see me, so why doesn’t she?” Callie asked, as she and Sloan watched Erica walk past them. “You’re right,” Mark confirmed incredulously, there was no maliciousness, no calculated, artificial ignorance on Erica Hahn’s behalf as she walked past. “It’s like we’re not even here. Wait. Is she wearing glasses? Because wow – new images are popping up. Like she’s the naughty librarian and your books are overdue…” Mark teased as Callie tossed the remnants of her lunch onto her tray and stood up, “I’m leaving.” “Wait - does she wear them in bed? Does she keep them on?” He called after her. “Goodbye Sloan!” %^& Erica wasn’t simply tidying some loose ends from her day off. She was cleaning house, preparing the way for her replacement, because along with her request for some time off, Erica Hahn submitted her resignation, effective almost immediately, to Richard and the Board of Trustees. Finishing up the charts and instructions, Erica quickly returned them to their place. She cleaned out what little was left in her locker, deposited her last pair of navy blue scrubs in the laundry and then she wordlessly walked out the doors of Seattle Grace for what she hoped was the last time. It took all that time for Callie to screw up the courage to talk to Erica – and by the time she was ready, Erica was already gone. Every sign of her – from her coffee cup in the conference room, to her name on the surgery board – Erica was gone. And it wasn’t until Callie stopped by the Attendings locker room and discovered Erica’s locker unlocked, empty and open did her anxiety level skyrocket and her stomach drop down to her knees. Erica Hahn was gone. %$# Callie plopped herself down onto the floor of Erica’s hall. She had called her, knocked on her door, pounded on it, kicked it, called out and cried. Nothing. Erica either chose to ignore her or was out. Either way, Callie wasn’t moving until someone told her what was going on, until she could make it right, until something, anything made sense and nothing made sense anymore. Not since that night when she first strode up to Erica in front of the hospital, grabbed her face and kissed her. From across the hall, the elevator dinged and the doors slid open, pouring out the sound of Erica’s laugh. It wasn’t a laugh so much as it was a chuckle, a giggle. Callie raised her head and watched as Erica and a tall, handsome man stepped out of the elevator together, both struggling under the weight of large, flat cardboard boxes. “Well Erica,” The man laughed, “we’re gonna miss you… But now that you’re leaving, I can ask – any chance you’ll give me your friend’s number?” He cocked his head towards Callie who watched them intently. Erica stopped her chuckle as she stepped over Callie to unlock her door. “Thanks for your help, Tom.” Erica responded, dropping off her boxes in the apartment. The man leaned the boxes against the wall of the hall, “Don’t forget to say ‘bye’ tomorrow,” He said, throwing a smile in their direction before he headed towards his own apartment. Erica stepped over a still-sitting Callie and grabbed another armload of boxes. “Erica?” Callie asked, brushing her hand against Erica’s thigh, “What’s going on?” “I’m moving Callie, and it’d be easier if you got out of my way.” She stepped aside, brushing Callie’s hand off of her and finished with the boxes. “I see that you’re moving, Erica, I want to know why.” Callie rose up and walked into Erica’s apartment. “I’d like you to leave, Cal.” “And I’d like for you to tell me what’s going on.” “And I’d like for you to leave.” Erica stood by the open door and nodded towards it. “You’re wearing your glasses.” Callie pointed out. “You never wear your glasses.” “Callie please.” Erica pleaded, her voice losing it’s strength. “I can’t be strong for much longer. Just leave.” “Fine.” Callie stepped forward Erica and towards the open door, only to reach out a hand to close the door. “As soon as you tell me what’s going on. I’m ready to talk, Erica.” Erica turned around and marched into her room and shut the door. Callie walked towards the bedroom door and bit her lip, worried about what she might find. Would Erica be crying again? Would she be angry? Why would she shout? Scream? Callie took a deep breath and opened the door. What she found on the other side was not what she was expecting – and it scared her more than Erica Hahn’s tears ever did. Boxes everywhere. Books off the walls and in boxes. Erica’s bed with the blue pillows, and the blankets, and the scent that was distinctly Erica’s perfume and fabric softener and Erica herself was stripped bare. Erica’s bed where they had spent hours and nights and mornings making love, and kissing and learning what worked and what didn’t; Erica’s bed where they spoke and laughed and giggled and had fun and made fun of others was stripped bare. It was no longer Erica’s bed. And in the corner of the room was Erica, carefully lifting pictures off the walls and wrapping them in bubble wrap. “I told you, Callie, I’m moving. And the movers are due tomorrow, so if you don’t mind…” “I’m sorry, Erica.” Callie began, sinking against Erica’s wall, down to the floor. “I’m so sorry.” Tears stung her eyes and spilled out onto her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Erica continued to pack up her pictures, giving Callie a moment to calm herself down before walking over and kneeling before her ex with a box of Kleenex. “Thanks,” Callie sniffled as she blotted her tears. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, her big brown eyes puffy with tears. “I got that.” Erica replied, sitting down across from her. “You’re not leaving because of me, are you?” Callie asked, waiting for an answer which never came. “Oh my god, you are!” “I’m not Callie. I’m not that girl, who quits her job and moves away after she breaks up with someone.” “You quit?” Callie asked, shock overtaking sadness across her face, “What the hell is wrong with you?” She shouted, shoving Erica, “Why would you quit?” “Why would you shove me?” Erica shouted, shoving Callie back. Both women stared at each other for a moment before bursting out into laughter, the stress of the past day, the past week, the past weeks – everything coming out into the surface. It had been so long since they had laughed as friends, since they hadn’t worried about sex, or having it, or not having it. The laughter went on past the point where they could even remember what they were laughing about, past they point where their stomachs hurt, and tears began to stream down their faces. “I’m going to order some pizza, stay for dinner?” Erica finally asked, catching her breath as she rose from the floor and offered Callie her hand. “Only if you get pineapple on my half…” Callie responded sweetly, letting Erica help her up. “Callie! Pineapple juice smells up the whole pizza! No!” “Please?” “No.” “You have to! You’re the second best friend I have who’s moving. You owe me!” Callie teased, slipping off her jacket. “You dumped me!” Erica retorted, grabbing the phone, “So clearly, you owe me.” An awkward silence hung over the air for a moment. And then: “You’re right. I dumped you, and I owe you. You can just order two pizzas!” %$^ “I just figured if I sat at your door, maybe you’d have no choice but to talk to me.” “I was unaware I wasn’t talking to you.” Erica murmured, her mouth filled with pizza. “Really?” Callie asked, “Because you’ve successfully ignored my texts, my calls and my e-mails. And today I was sitting four tables away with Mark and instead you choose to walk by.” Laying out her proof of Erica’s slights, Callie felt silly and childish and a blush reached her cheeks as she peered past Erica’s glasses. “I just needed some time, Cal.” “From me?” “From everything. But yes, also from you. As for the cafeteria, excuse me if I don’t really feel like interrupting you and Mark.” Erica took a sip of wine and was proud of herself for keeping her composure. She had spent the last couple of days thinking (Dr. Wyatt would also be proud of her) and knew what she had to say to Callie in addition to what she wanted to say to her. So far she hadn’t lashed out, she hadn’t been cruel, she had handled herself like a grown up. “Is this about the Mark thing?” Callie asked, leaning in, “because I told you, it was just that once. Well, twice. And it was just to see. And it’s over.” “Callie, I’m going to be honest with you. You are a great friend - you’re fun, and exciting and amazing and WOW! But you’re a shit girlfriend. You run and hide, you freeze, you cheat… I didn’t expect you to see the leaves – but I expected you to stay, to do what any friend would do, what any decent person would do when they see their friend crying. And when I needed you to back me up against Izzy, you left me out to dry –” “I didn’t leave – ” “Callie…” Erica put down her slice of pizza and looked into Callie’s eyes. Callie knew… “Even if you didn’t care for me, even if you were over this…I expected my friend to have my back. To support me, and you didn’t. You never did.” There it was. The truth according to Erica Hahn. After a moment of tension, Erica rose from the floor they were sitting on and moved to wash her hands. “Erica…” Callie made a move to get up. “Don’t. Please.” Erica braced herself with a deep breath and turned around to face Callie, “You said the sex was the same with me and with Sloan. Fine. Except you weren’t dating Sloan, you chose me, you were dating me – unless you weren’t. You use sex to clear your head, I get that. I don’t. For me, sex isn’t just sex – it’s about emotions and feeling and time. Maybe it makes me a girl, but it’s true. Sex with someone you care about should be different because you do care… and it wasn’t different, Callie. It was the same.” “It wasn’t the same, Erica. God.” Callie leaned her head back and sighed. “it wasn’t the same. It felt the same, I came off the same, but it wasn’t the same because it did mean more, you mean more.” “Don’t you mean meant?” Erica tossed out as she began to pull plates out of her cupboard. “No Erica,” Callie began, sliding up behind her, “you mean more.” She placed her hands on Erica’s waist and turned her around so that they were just a hair’s breath away from each other. “You mean so much to me that it’s scary, Erica. I’m sorry I left when you were crying, and I’m sorry I slept with Sloan. I just… You scare me Erica. OK? You scare me. I’ve never meant so much to someone – not even George. And while I’ve always wanted to mean that much to someone – it’s scary. When you started crying I knew, I knew if I said the wrong thing I’d hurt you. And if I hurt you I wouldn’t know how to make it right. So I left. And when I left, I knew I fucked up. And I just kept fucking up, Erica. From Sloan, to not backing you up – I don’t know how to not fuck up around you. You’re my best friend and I worry about hurting you and I worry about losing you and I worry that you’ll leave and now I hurt you and I’m losing you and you’re leaving and I don’t know, OK, I don’t know anything anymore except that I’m scared and I want you to stay!” Erica leaned her forehead in to close the space between them and smiled at their closeness. “I can’t, Cal.” Her lips brushed Callie’s softly… and then once more. “I just can’t.” Callie leaned in for another kiss, breaking past the barrier or Erica’s lips with her tongue. “I know babe. I know.” She whispered once their kiss ended. “But Erica?” she asked, a small smile spreading across her face, “Why?” “Because,” Erica began, their foreheads still touching, “Seattle Grace isn’t where I’m meant to be. I’m not meant to teach, and I’m not meant to get involved in people’s sex lives and to be distracted by sex, and gossip, and gossip about my own sex life. This isn’t where I’m meant to be.” “What about me?” Callie asked, finally stepping back for air. “What about you Cal? You don’t know what you want.” “What do you want?” “Oh Cal,” Erica chuckled, “If I told you…” “What?” Callie challenged, a twinkle in her eye. “I want you.” Erica said simply. “I want you.” She repeated and then turned around back to her packing to give Callie a moment to compose herself. Callie wordlessly stepped up to Erica and began to help her pack. Erica would hand her a plate and she would wrap it in newspaper and place it in the box. They finished one cupboard and moved to the next before either of them said anything. “Erica?” Callie began, turning to face her silent friend, “I want you too. I’m just not ready. Not yet.” “I know Cal, I know.” Together they packed up the kitchen, and then the living room and then moved on to the bedroom. And when it got too late, they fell exhausted on Erica’s stripped bed, where their bodies moved in unison against each other until they were too tired to move anymore. In the morning they rose to the sun and began packing Erica’s bedroom. Soon the movers came and cleared every piece of evidence of Erica having ever inhabiting those four walls. Everything except for Erica standing alone with a suitcase in the empty apartment, with Callie by her side. They stood there not saying, not doing anything for countless moments… And then it was time. Erica slid a hand around Callie’s waist and pulled her close. Her other hand softly brushed a tear off of Callie’s face. They shared a soft kiss and Erica whispered something in Callie’s ear. And just like that, Erica was gone. Leaving Callie alone with her last words to comfort her. ^&* Forgive me first love, But I’m tired I need to get away To feel again … Forgive me first love But I’m too tired -Adele
	"I don't... make friends easily. I'm awkward and am bad at small talk and generally don't like people I don't know...I don't make friends easily." -Erica Hahn (And me, every day of my life! : )


Shorty	Nov 7 2008, 05:08 PM Post #2
Posts: 6,063 Group: Chiefs Member #6 Joined: August 2, 2008	what a sad ending. will you be updating or is this the end?
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ithinkyourewonderful	Nov 8 2008, 01:40 AM Post #3
Team Hahn Posts: 66 Group: Interns Member #188 Joined: October 3, 2008 Favorite Character Erica Hahn, Miranda Bailey, Cristina Yang Favorite Couple Callie/Erica	Thanks for reading & commenting! I really appreciate you taking the time to do that! For now it's the end... I've another 'last of Hahn' story I'm finishing... and then I've promised myself to work on my own writing : ) but I have an idea where the sequel will go (hopefully I'll have some time to work on it soon) it involves Addison... Edited by ithinkyourewonderful, Nov 8 2008, 01:41 AM.
	"I don't... make friends easily. I'm awkward and am bad at small talk and generally don't like people I don't know...I don't make friends easily." -Erica Hahn (And me, every day of my life! : )


callicarules	Nov 8 2008, 04:18 AM Post #4
Posts: 25 Group: Interns Member #196 Joined: October 12, 2008 Favorite Character Callie Favorite Couple Callie and Erica	i liked it, very sad for sure. Your a good writter. I read just after u posted but didnt have time to post right away as i had to run to work i was late hahaha. Look fwd to others tho beth



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