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Tis the season.............; Aaaaaggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Topic Started: Dec 23 2013, 01:31 PM (360 Views)
Prof
Eeejit
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I'm sat here surrounded by a tangled mass of flashing bleeping lights from our local pound shop that already smell of burning plastic. They are fed by extension cables that first saw the light of day on a search light battery just south of Watchet in 1945. Static is crackling off of my ever lengthening ear hair, my eyebrows resemble Partic Moore's and our once sleek cat looks like Afro Man. I just hope our fire insurance is up to date. I'm afraid to go to sleep with this lot turned on.

The usually well balanced Mrs Prof , is a hollow eyed husk of her former self who wanders the house muttering 'its for the children' whilst looking for bare patches of ceiling that aren't already adourned with highly flamable paper models of bells, stars, raindeer, etc. so that she can stick afix more of the same on them. One spark from the fire and the house will go up like a bloody roman candle.

Our children have become possessed, they have actually begun to oscillate with the sort of excitement thar borders on psycosis. The only respite is when they go a bit off kilter after licking the paint on our genuine 1970's 'made in Czechoslvakia' nativity scene. Who would have thought lead based paints could apply balm to the souls of such animated little devils?

My dear father is now wearing so many layers of clothes that he could comforably survive a direct hit from a bazooka, yet he has his central heating cranked up so high that it is actually possible to get a tan if you sit anywhere near a radiator. Judging by the smell I think he has begun to ferment beneath his winter apparel. I fall asleep within minutes of arriving at his house.

We have what can only be described as a supply dump in our kitchen. A butter mountain larger that the EU, a lake of wine bigger than France. My family would actually put on weight if we were to be subjected to a month long police seige. There would be no need to deny ourselves anything less than 12,000 calories a day for a long time.

A frozen bird, the size of a (thankfully extinct) giant moa has been wedged into our freezer and my bait and all the other stuff with 1998 sell by dates on it has been displaced. I'm just wondering when the catering genius that bought a bloody industrial sized bird will realise that it won't actually fit in to our domestic sized oven. Oh well, looks like I'd better fire the chainsaw up tomorrow, should make some interesting saw dust.

Religious persecution is rife, I, a commited aetheist / pagan / gnostic / heretic have been verbally bullied by own children and old ladies alike and forced to climb a creaky wooden ladder held by an equally creaky pensioner to hang the lights on the tree at church at the top of our road (I think the ladder was last used in some form of public execution). I only took the kids in there as the current Mrs Prof felt they should see the inside of a religious establishment (my one and only contribution to their religious education).

Oh Lordy Lordy, it be Christmas. So, all that remains is for me to wish all the lads and lasses on the site here a very merry Christmas and a prosperous new year. Best wishes and tight lines all.

Prof

PS I'm off to see if the supply dump in the kitchen has any rum in it.
Best catch so far: Crabs in Shepton Mallet circa 1990
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stavbcfc
Gold Member
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FairPlay prof, happy crimbo :lol:
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parttimerob
Advanced Member
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Haha! Yes a merry christmas to you too and to everyone else on here and also a big thanks for the help and advice I have recieved from everyone. Cheers!
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Bendalz
Grapevineless
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Genius! I love your posts!

I'll never forget the one when you took the old boy down Chesil and walked miles with his box full of leads. Then, upon returning to the car park, you used the following term... "Sweating like a glass blowers arse"

I read that at 3 in the morning (in one of my many "can't sleep moments") and have never laughed so much in my life! The misses started hitting me and I had to go to the loo before I wet the bed!

Happy x-mas Prof
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congerman
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head honcho
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fair play prof,your posts are pure quality have a merry xmas mate and that goes for the rest of you :D
only when the last tree has been cut down,the last river has been poisoned,and the last fish has been caught, then man will find he cannot eat money.

conger or sole please,either way,i don't mind
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LOWATEREEFER
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30lb weed member
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Nice one prof,well said

merry crimbo to your good family and all on here....LWR....
To date...13lb cod...11lb bass...15lb thornback...2lb red gurnard...100lb bronze whaler
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Bluto
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Cod fisherman extrordinaire & compulsive liar
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If I see one more film about Santa Claus I shall have to hike all the way to the North Pole and strangle the fat old git!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
I used to be conceited, but that was before I became Perfect.
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stavbcfc
Gold Member
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Bluto you don't have to go to North Pole to give him a kicking
Congermans got a new job at Cadbury garden centre as Santa
Just go there on yer way to the pier ;)
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