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I'll Never Be; ~For Taz
Topic Started: Jul 4 2012, 12:03 AM (347 Views)
ChoCoaTheArT
Weyrsinger
Atlen gripped her head in her hands, fingers laced through the loose strands at her temples. I'm a Jr. Weyrwoman and I have no clue what I'm doing. The thought pounded through her head hard enough to make it hurt. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep the tears that threatened to spill forth at bay. Rhyssone couldn't care enough to teach me, Talora is too busy with other matters, Bryn is busy with.. Bryn things, and Senyrae is always with Bresaith now that she's laid her clutch.. I just.. She crossed her arms on the table and buried her face into the crook of her elbow, trying to muffle her soft sobs.

The dining cavern was large but it was also nearly empty and she was tucked into a corner. A thoughtful drudge had brought her a mug of klah but she couldn't bring herself to stomach it and by now it was too cold to enjoy comfortably.

She didn't want to wake Oceth up and worry her queen with such thoughts, but she often wondered if perhaps her dragon had made a mistake in choosing her. She'd never considered the possibility, just happy enough to have the chance to Stand had been enough. But now here she was with a half-grown queen and still she wasn't sure how she was even going to manage to learn what exactly it was to be in such a highly esteemed position.

They were in their own weyr now, Oceth pleased with the size of it while Atlen was saddened by the emptiness of the place. No more of her dragon's siblings peeking into their quarters to chatter, the normal sounds of daily activities and the soft croons of waking dragonets. The sounds of people talking quietly with eachother. Or her favorite, singing songs to help excited young dragons to calm down for bed. She'd joined in often enough, singing Oceth to sleep or telling stories in the way the harpers did with their voices taking on the characteristics of the words and sometimes they'd have a guest or two in their large room to listen in. It was all very social and comforting to have everyone so close.

Their own quarters had really hit home the fact that Oceth was growing up and Atlen had no one she could really turn to for advice without making herself look weak and useless. She hunched herself over more, pressing her face against the smooth wood to try and make herself as small as possible, she didn't feel like a Jr. Weyrwoman, just a kid who had fallen out of a tree and was too ashamed to admit that she'd gotten herself hurt.
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Tazzles
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How far away are they?!
You seem sad today. Adinath said softly to his Rider, staring at L'harl's back. Have I upset you?
"Not you, never you Adinath." L'harl said softly, though he did not turn around.
Ok... you promise I didn't do anything?
"Nothing at all. I promise. Just thinking about some things that's all. I'm going to get something to eat. You sleep, I'll be back soon."
Ok. Don't be long though. Adinath said softly as he yawned and closed his eyes.

L'harl did not turn around, he kept his eyes straight ahead so that Adinath could not see his face. Why should the Copperrider not wish his Dragon to see his face? Because he didn't want Adinath to see him cry... It was not often that he got this upset, in fact he didn't really get upset at all but today... today was the day that his mother had gone Between when he was still a child. Leaving his room he shut the door and without even realising it found himself outside of Kythe's. He placed a hand against the wood and leant his forehead against it, eyes closed. From inside the room he could hear her soft sobs and the tiny croons of Tiran and Trith as they soothed her broken heart. It was at this time every Turn that their family fell into melancholy; no matter where they were or who they were with they could not get out of this dark stupor. Biting his bottom lip the young man considered knocking on the door, opening it and gathering his little sister into his arms and holding her tightly... but he knew better than that.

A tear rolled down his cheek and splashed onto the floor as he left Kythe's door alone; he hesitated only a moment longer - looking back and reconsidering going in to her, but once more common sense kicked in and he knew that what he had done to her all those Turns ago could not be undone today, the pain would be too much for Kythe to deal with. Hands shoved into the pockets of his trousers he began to walk again, allowing his feet to take him wherever they wanted, he just didn't care. It seemed that his feet had found someone else in distress; not his sister today - she didn't need him, but someone he knew apparently did.

It was Atlen, and she seemed to be as upset as he was. Brushing the tears away from his emerald eyes the lad pulled out a chair beside her and without a word pulled her into his embrace. Gently pushing her head to his chest he wrapped his arms around her and lay his cheek on the top of her head, closing his eyes for a moment. He needed this as much as she probably did. "Hey. It's ok. It's ok." He whispered to her softly - a tone not heard in his voice all that often. "Want to talk about it?"
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ChoCoaTheArT
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Atlen looked up in shock as she was pulled against someone, "L-L'harl?" she whispered, but his warm arms felt nice around her and she wrapped her arms around his middle and after his gentle prodding she settled her head against his chest. The girl closed her eyes as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks, "I just.. I don't know what I'm doing." The brunette admitted, clenching her hands into fists. It felt good to say it out loud rather than only screaming it in her head so she continued, "I'm supposed to know everything right? Supposed to help run the weyr when Oceth and I graduate, but Rhyssone went crazy and Talora is too busy cleaning up after the mess she left behind to teach me anything."

Her voice had caught an edge but the anger quickly fizzled out. The problem wasn't her fault but she'd been stuck in a mess that was beyond her control, "I don't know what I should do, I want to help, I want to be of service to the weyr but I don't know how to be." She rubbed her face against his shirt, trying to clear her eyes but too ashamed of her weakness to look up at him.
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Tazzles
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How far away are they?!
He hated seeing her this upset. He hated that she had been left in this position. The stress of the job had finally got to Rhyssone and the woman had let Atlen and Senyrae (not to mention their poor Weyrleader) in a complete state! Talora had arrived, from Benden which had made L'harl endlessly happy and just a little smug, but she was so busy picking up the pieces that training her Junior Weyrwoman had fallen by the wayside.

"Now I don't believe that. I think you do know more than you think." He said in a soft voice, for some reason she brought out the best in him. He gently pushed her away from his chest so that he could look her in the eyes. With a gentle hand he brushed the tears away from her face. "You are helping. You're part of this Weyr for a start. Talora may be busy but that doesn't mean you can't shadow her or Senyrae to see what they do. I know Headwoman Rayna knows a Sharding lot so even ask her if there's anything you can do or learn. But don't ever EVER sell yourself short you hear me?" He kept a hand on her cheek and smiled at her in a way he only ever seemed to with her. "I hate seeing you cry Atlen. You have so much strength and beauty and you don't see it. I know things look dire at the moment but Oceth isn't full grown yet. Once she is she is going to be the most beautiful Queen in Pern, every male is going to chase when she Flies. Her clutches are going to be unrivalled you hear me?" The thing with L'harl was the lad was only ever honest, he just didn't have it in him to lie. "I don't want you to think you can't do this because you can, you really can."
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ChoCoaTheArT
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Atlen couldn't meet L'harl's eye as his fingers brushed the tears from her eyes. His words rung true in her mind, though the doubt that had threatened to overcome her. Shadowing Talora and Senyrae could work, and she nodded in agreement, that she would try. She hadn't thought of asking Rayna what she knew but it was a good idea.

But then he spoke of strength and beauty, she managed to look at him. Did she not see something that he apparently did? She'd never quite thought of herself as anything other than average, and next to Oceth she did feel downright shabby sometimes. She feared, maybe more than not being able to properly do her job, disappointing Oceth's expectations of her. The queen had ambition, more than enough for the both of them. She had no doubts that if Rhyssone had broken down after they'd graduated that Oceth would have attempted to challenge Lisenyth for the senior queen position. It was a terrifying thought, thank Faranth that Talora had arrived when she did.

Her eyes brightened, tears still glistening in her eyes as he spoke of Oceth, stating what she'd always hoped would be. Oh if only her dragon was awake she would probably be preening in satisfaction at his words. No doubt after some freaking out as for the reason why her rider had been crying and in the arms of a man.

"T-thank you." she smiled slightly, "I think I just needed.. I don't know. Someone to believe in me." she scrubbed her eyes with the side of her hand and looked up into his face, for the first time noticing the redness that rimmed his own eyes, almost as though he'd been crying himself. "Are you alright?" She lifted her hand to his face to lay it tentatively against his cheek.
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Tazzles
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How far away are they?!
Sometimes people needed to hear what they already knew from someone else; you might already know these things but as everyone knows you can give advice to people but taking it yourself just doesn't really happen. It was a difficult time at Vaioa right now and it couldn't have come at the worst point of Atlen's studies - even the simple solution of following the two Queenriders still at the Weyr might help but having a Headwoman like Rayna made it even easier. She might not know everything but she had been supporting Te'ch when Rhyssone had fallen apart so she probably had enough knowledge to help Atlen out a little with what she needed to know.

As she looked at him L'harl managed a small smile. Did she really not realise how wonderful she was? He could tell she didn't just by the way she was looking at him. He brushed a stray strand of her hair behind an ear and just looked at her. "You don't see it do you? You don't see why Oceth chose you." He said in a soft tone, slightly surprised by what he had just figured out. "She chose you because there was NO one else worthy of her, and she's right. You are the one who can take her where she needs to be, you are the one who has the strength to change this Weyr with her when Oceth is fully grown. I know it might not look like it right now with everything that is going on but I can promise you that someday soon you will see it."
So. You CAN be a nice person can you? Adinath said in a sleepy but highly amused tone.
When the person is worthy of it, yes. Atlen is a good person; she does not deserve what has happened to her nor should she be upset. I will not see it. L'harl replied.

He smiled back and waved a hand to dismiss the thanks. "That's ok. And don't worry. There will always be someone here who believes that you can do this, do anything! And if you ever need someone to remind you of that I'm here ok?"
Stop it. You're starting to scare me. Adinath rumbled at his Rider with amusement.
Oh hush up you big lug and go back to sleep.

Her hand on his cheek startled him almost as much as her words had. So he hadn't been able to hide his own troubles as well as he had thought. "Ah. Foiled it would seem." He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "It's... a difficult day for my family today. Today is the day my mother died." He admitted in a quiet tone.
Why did you not tell me?! Why did you say nothing was wrong when it is?! Adinath demanded.
Please love, don't get upset... I just didn't want to worry you ok?
Well I'm more worried now...
L'harl sent his Dragon loving thoughts.
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ChoCoaTheArT
Weyrsinger
Change? Is that what Oceth wanted? Could that be why the queen had chosen her in the first place? Something seemed to click in the young woman's mind. Change. It had been the reason she wanted to leave the harperhall in the first place. She hadn't known exactly what she would do when she did leave or how she would even manage it but to have everything be the same for so many turns had been too much for her. To be searched though had been exactly the sort of thing she had secretly been hoping for.

Atlen listened, enraptured by the young man's words, she took a shaky breath and nodded, unable to help the small smile that spread across her face. He believed in her? He must be one of only a few who did so. Not just assuming that she could do the job but actually having faith in her ability.

Are you alright now Atlenmine? Oceth crooned quietly, I woke up and you were crying… I didn't.. She shifted anxiously though her front paws were curled protectively around Leno and Hetch, as if she were seeking some sort of comfort in the action. She'd never experienced her rider so upset before, it was unnerving and the usually proud dragon had been left scrambling as to what might be troubling Atlen so much. Thankfully L'harl had arrived when he did and was able to get the answers to the questions that she was too afraid to ask.

Oh my, Oceth, I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you.

Are you alright? The queen insisted.

Yes, I think I am now.

Oceth paused, carefully considering what she spoke, He is right you know. None of those other girls were worthy of me. If you hadn't been there and I would have had to choose one of them, they would have been content with living out their days with me at their side looking as pretty as a trinket but just as fragile and useless. Too scared to do anything but lightly tread through life. Atlen was slightly taken aback by the venom in her tone. The queen hated the thought of doing nothing just as much as her rider did.

We will grow strong together and be unstoppable and as un-breakable as the foundations of our home. We will not lay down to selfish Holders who would rather try and starve us and Thread will burn before my future children who will be as strong as I am. Oceth yawned widely, the speech seemed to have burned itself out. Atlen.. you can do it because I believe in you… and so does L'harl.

The end of the speech couldn't have come soon enough as Atlen noticed the signs of tears in L'harl's eyes and asked about them.

What is wrong with him? Was he crying too? Everyone seems to be upset tonight. Atlen quietly shushed her dragon, as much as her words had helped she wanted to hear what was bothering the copperrider.

Atlen was unsure of what to say, she wasn't good at deaths and family members let alone both. Her first reaction would have been to say I'm sorry but the words refused to leave her throat. She doubted L'harl wanted her pity anyway. "I'm sure she'd be proud of you and your sister." She opted for instead. Oceth crooned a soft lament from her ledge. "I bet she was a wonderful woman." Yes to have such a fine son and daughter who both Impressed. Oceth spoke directly to L'harl, knowing that her rider would never pass on the message.


((Sorry, I kinda jumped around in this post but it was more interesting and thus easier for me to write this way. Hope you don't mind.))
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Tazzles
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How far away are they?!
He could see that she understood what he had said and it made him smile. Why was it that he could help her like this but when he wanted to help his sister he was horrid to her? He knew that everyone around him just saw him as this horrible person who just hated everyone (his sister especially) but that wasn't true at all. He knew it was his own fault but he couldn't help it; he had seen being like this as mollycoddling Kythe and that was exactly what he had been trying to avoid... what he hadn't realised was that in doing so he was going to completely alienate his little sister and ruin their relationship. It was all so much easier when the person wasn't close to you...

A smile! Rejoice! That was what he had wanted from her. His own smile widened and he knew he had done the right thing in coming to talk to her. Did she really doubt herself THAT much? Did she not realise that there were people who believed she was capable of doing what they knew she had to do? Now all he had to do was keep showing her that he believed in her and help her to become the Weyrwoman he knew that she could be. That she WOULD be. Ok so maybe it wasn't his place but he would not sit idly by and allow this beautiful woman to fade and become like Rhyssone had... he would not allow such an atrocity.

It was an odd thing to have someone be worried for him. L'harl was used to being alone, to having no one around him. He had chosen that life for himself, he knew it and was not ashamed of it... but every so often he did wonder what life would be like if he had been kinder to others and maybe had someone around to comfort HIM every now and then. To hear her ask if HE was alright was something of a shock and he wasn't all that sure of how to deal with the concern he heard in her tone. Honesty was the best policy however. He had always sworn by telling people how he felt so why stop that now?

What Atlen said next was more surprising however and for a moment all he could do was stare at her. He was used to condolences, people saying sorry for his loss, but to hear someone say what he had always hoped... More tears sprung to his eyes and he smiled softly. "Thank you... I've always hoped she would be." He muttered, voice breaking with emotion he had bottled up for most of his life since losing the woman in the first place. Oceth's words were the last straw however and before he knew it he was crying again, sobbing into his hands. "Thank you. Both of you... I've always needed to hear that. I keep thinking I'll disappoint her because it took me so long to Impress, I didn't think I was going to at all. And I'm so awful to Kythe all the time but I can't stop it! I try and I just end up saying something nasty to her all over again. I only did it to look after her, to try and make her stronger and all I did was hurt her more." Where in Faranth's name had THAT all come from?
Please Mine, don't cry. We will fix what is wrong between you and Trith's but for now be happy. Your mother would be happy we are together now, it does not matter how long it took. Please be happy.

((No no it was perfect!))
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ChoCoaTheArT
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Atlen could see the tears forming in L'harl's eyes even before Oceth spoke, she smoothed her fingers over his cheek in an attempt to calm him but to no avail. The young woman could only watch as the copperrider broke down right in front of her.

I didn't mean to make him cry! Oceth keened, her head drooping to the floor. It's alright hun, you did nothing wrong. I don't think he's ever talked about his mother's death to anyone. All we can do now is listen. Atlen soothed her dragon and placed a comforting hand on L'harl's knee while he spoke, doing her best to catch his words despite the sobs that wracked his frame and broke his speech.

"Hey, It's going to be alright." She spoke quietly but his words had left her shaken, he hated treating Kythe the way he did but he'd only been trying to do right by her by being so unkind? Something was definitely didn't ring right with Atlen there. Sure a little tough love but never such cold cruelty that she'd observed. She pushed his shoulder's back some so she could wrap her arms around him again, "You had the best of intentions as far as I can tell. If you care about her then you can change the way you treat her, it'll just take some time and effort to try and change the way you treat her." She rubbed his back gently while she spoke, "If you can work to fix the bond that you've broken then you'll be all the stronger for it. And If you would like my help then I'll be here."

She hated seeing him cry, always knowing L'harl for his self assured nature and to see him like this was a shock. But she shouldn't have assumed that he was just like that and there was no reason behind it. She only wished the reason didn't hav to be so painful for the young man. Se quite liked L'harl, perhaps more so now that she knew him being nice to her wasn't just for the shallow reason of her being a queenrider. She tucked her face against his neck, trying to keep the sympathy tears from escaping her eyes.

Oceth's head had slowly risen from the floor, she'd never felt her rider feel such compassion for someone else. It was unnerving but she couldn't help feeling proud, Atlen meant every word she spoke and there was no lie when she said that she would help. We will do what we can to help but it is ultimately up to you and your sister. Her voice was soft as she spoke to the copperider, but she felt compelled to help as well, even though she wasn't sure what she would be able to do.
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Tazzles
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How far away are they?!
He felt ridiculous. He had just broken down in front of Atlen and he did not respect himself for it even remotely. He had always been proud of how strong he came across to people, of how strong he always thought he was but as per usual the day had thrown his barriers off and his true self - the one that still doubted he was doing things right or making his parents proud - had managed to sneak out. The difference today was that someone else had seen it.

He was surprised to find Atlen's arms around him and was even more surprised at the flush that rose to his cheeks and the flicker of excitement he felt in his chest at having her this close. Something about her calmed him, something about her made him feel accepted in a way only Adinath had made him feel. He hugged her back and closed his eyes. She understood him and she wanted to help him. There were no words to thank her for any of what she had just said to him, no one had ever taken the time to talk to him like this (his own fault he knew, he just pushed everyone away after all) and hearing her say she would help him really touched his heart.

Thank you. Adinath said softly to Oceth, moving to the edge of his ledge so that he could look out at the Queen. I knew that Mine kept everything inside himself, he does not even tell me sometimes. It is good that others can talk to him. Thank you for being so nice to him. Adinath furled his wings against his back and stared out across the Weyrbowl. He wished he was still small enough to get into the Lower Caverns so that he could be with L'harl just as Atlen was now.

L'harl rested his cheek against Atlen's head and sighed softly. "I'm sorry for how I acted... I always get more upset today than I usually do. I... I really will need your help with Kythe; I want to make it up to her for all the things I've said and done to her." He looked down at Atlen and gave her a small kiss on the cheek in thanks, smiling a little. "Atlen you are truly wonderful. No one's ever taken the time to talk to me let alone offered to help me before... you may have to hit me whenever I say something horrid to her..." He pulled Atlen a little closer and hugged her tighter. "I wasn't always like this with her you know. We used to be really close. But when our mother died... I tried taking care of her, I tried supporting her but she didn't get any better, she just let everyone walk over her and she was always upset. Our brother's molly coddled her, always coming to her defence, she couldn't look after herself! Then I saw a couple of Weyr girls bullying her... I was going to go and intervene but instead of crying Kythe defied them and said she would show them they were wrong. I'd tried being nice but I realised she responded better to a challenge... so I started being nasty to her. Before I knew it I couldn't stop myself. Whenever I wanted her to reach her potential I wouldn't encourage her I would put her down... and every time she proved me wrong; every time she fought to show me that what I had said was wrong. I loved her for it and I hated that I couldn't tell her how proud I was of her. I've always been blunt, I like to see people reach the potential I know they can reach but I ended up just being nasty to people. I don't like it but I don't know how else to be anymore." He sighed heavily and looked down at Atlen. "Except with you." He said with a smile. "Thank you for bringing out the best in me. And thank Oceth for being so kind to me too. It's an honour to have such compliments from such a beautiful Queen."
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