| Welcome to The Pit Lane. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| Tommy Cooper | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 12 2012, 12:56 AM (273 Views) | |
| Pasta | Aug 12 2012, 12:56 AM Post #1 |
|
Chief Engineer
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Two blonds walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.' A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle. |
![]() |
|
| HSX | Aug 12 2012, 11:36 AM Post #2 |
|
Refueller
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
My wife phoned me just before the show and said, 'I've got water in the carburetor, I said 'Where's the car' She said 'In the river' I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off. This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him boldly into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant. "I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance." "I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than walking the streets." I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids.... I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace..... Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance. 'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy. 'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen. 'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy. 'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen. 'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy. 'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.' 'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy. 'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.' 'Do you like football?' said Tommy. 'Well not really ' said the Queen.' 'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?' |
![]() |
|
| Lex | Aug 12 2012, 11:39 AM Post #3 |
|
Driver
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
![]() I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor' I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!' I went to the doctor the other day, I said 'it hurts when I do that' he said ' well don't do it' |
![]() |
|
| « Previous Topic · Give us a laugh · Next Topic » |





![]](http://z6.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)




12:20 AM Jul 11