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| Alonso Wins!!! (Again) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 22 2011, 05:20 PM (234 Views) | |
| Pasta | Jul 22 2011, 05:20 PM Post #1 |
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Chief Engineer
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Alonso Wins!!! My dear beloved readers this is not a stutter. I hate being right at all, let alone twice in a row, particularly when it comes to Alonso enjoying anything whatsoever. Fernando Alonso is now the first non-Vettel driver in the 2011 campaign to put together back-to-back wins. The ever popular Alonso achieved this feat in his beloved Germany - his second country - his home away from home. Many are surprised with Alonso’s affinity for Germany (including this writer until a couple of minutes ago when I started writing this report desperately needing material) but he has been heard to say “When we (that is Alonso speak for himself) are away and we can’t get good bull testicles simmered in onions with truffles and saffron, we like schnitzel and singing and dancing on tables and drinking beer and wearing Bavarian hats and shorts and women with big boobs and lots of armpit hair and accordion music all around us.” Some speculate that it is in fact the shorts and anonymity Alonso enjoys in Germany. His waxed legs and athletic bottom are well featured in those Bavarian shorts, and the hats make his head look much shorter than it actually is, and perch nicely on his eyebrows. Others think that Alonso’s apparent lack of human emotions allows him to relate totally to Germans, Austrians, Swiss and Vulcans. A suspicious looking visitor to the padlocks turned out to be the remains of Hitler’s deputy, Rudolf Hess. His bones were recently exhumed from their resting place in the Lutheran cemetery of a lovely little town in Germany ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14232768 ) and his granddaughter wanted him to have a chance to see a German win on German soil one last time before his bones are finally disposed of appropriately. The Hess skeleton made it through security dressed in padded clothing, a wig and very large sunglasses. Routine security x-ray scanning raised no alarms because – well it showed a skeleton which the immigrant Turkish workers manning the equipment thought was pretty normal. While official reports say that the Hess remains will be dumped at an undisclosed location in the ocean so that neo-Nazis have no place to worship Hess, a person with inside information (yes our very own Flood1) knows differently. His bones were swifted away by the granddaughter and fed to Rotweiller dogs in the hope that the essence her beloved grandfather could somehow be carried on via being consumed by the dog species most resembling Rudolf Hess. We are not sure whether she realized that essentially she had ensured her grandfather would live on as dog stool but Flood got a kick out of telling her in an atypical act of speaking his mind. A frustrated Vettel could do no better than second. What really was a great result for the German in his quest for back-to-back WDC titles did not inspire the young Vettel to be anything but sad and mope on the second step of the podium. Clearly frustrated with Red Bull’s decline in form relative to the resurgent Ferrari, Vettel has been seen to emerge as a team leader in the absence of charisma and aggressiveness of his older team mate, Mark Webber. After the British GP Vettel called an emergency team meeting to outline his thought of the thing that needed to be done to bring RBR back to the leadership. In setting priorities, Vettel apparently repeated himself so much that the team engineers were left confused and in disarray. Said one senior engineer “We have so much talent in this team and we know there are at least a dozen key things to do and we need to multitask. All Vettel could do was gesture what is our first priority. After that he seemed lost.” Vettel was heard to say “Our Number One priority is this, and after that it is…Let me go back. Our Number One priority is this, and after that….Let me go back. Our Number One priority ….” Of course the big news in Germany was who made how much in Germany via bribes and bogus consulting fees and, in an incredibly rare event, involved an apparently non-ethical banker. Ecclestone denies he had any knowledge of any payments made by anyone including the millions paid to his family’s holding company - Bambino, a company whose name defies understanding but yet there it is: that name - Bambino. To the best of this writer’s knowledge Ecclestone hates pasta and only eats it when forced to by Ferrari, which he admits however horrible he finds pasta, it is not as bad as eating crow or, as the Italians say, mea culpa. We don’t understand how Ecclestone would know, never having apologized for anything, including the existence of Jean Todt. Ecclestone has denied any wrongdoing and as evidence he states that he can’t recall, leading legal insiders to guess he may be planning to rely on diminished capacity as a defense. Learning from Rupert Murdoch’s testimony Ecclestone stated that he is too busy with the bigger picture and running the business to pay attention to little details such as a $41million consulting fee. His defense lawyers are already pointing to Ecclestone’s sprinkler ideas to prove senility or worse. Back to on-track action, Schumacher was in a position for a podium (needing to overtake only 13 other drivers) until he let Vettel pass him in an apparent gesture of goodwill and camaraderie. The pair have now partnered to lead Germany to four consecutive international multi-car country races and are known to be close. “Well, Seb was closing on me pretty fast” said Schumacher. “I would have fought harder for position I suppose were he not such a good friend and protégé. But inevitably from my friendship for Seb and the blue flags waving, I let him go through.” Continued Schumacher “I believe what goes around comes around and Seb will return the favor if I put a gun to his head. One day maybe in 2012 or 2013 or 2020 I expect to have a competitive car pursuant to Mercedes’ development program, which has astonishingly gone to program, however we don’t seem to be making ground to our top seven competitors who are ahead of us at this moment. Perhaps they are developing faster than us, but Ross and I are confident that pretty soon they will run out of areas to improve, and that is when we will make our move up the competitive ladder, so to speak.” Jarno Trulli has been replaced at Lotus by a younger man. I have nothing more to say about that. Usually this sort of things happens to women, and not male race car drivers. It is a wake up call for the Lotus driver. In breaking news, Nico Rosberg did nothing effeminate in the last two weeks. McLaren was well off the pace. I really feel sorry for Lewis about that. As do we all. As do we all….. Webber, who has yet to perform his crazy podium jump this year, was never in contention not even when he was in position to overtake his teammate. He seemed hesitant to make overtaking moves even though pit-to-car radio messages told him “Mark you are OK to go. Pass Vettel if you want. Go for it. We are really sincere about this Mark. You have job security. Do you understand Mark? And by the way your mother is doing fine and enjoying the basement. She really seems to enjoy electricity.” DiMontezemolo continues in his quest to replace the three new teams with a third driver at the leading teams. He is taking a lower profile approach that has essentially gone unnoticed – so low some might think I am making it up. His strategy may just work out as this writer cannot find a soul on this planet that actually cares about the bottom three teams. Now that the Lotus name arguments seem to have been settled and the buzz of Richard Branson’s presence has subsided to be replaced by the general recognition that he is a really odd duck, and HRT not even being interesting to Latinos, news media are struggling to find reasons to mention the bottom three teams. HRT does not sell papers. Also most people now agree virgins are not worth the effort and have no relevance for India, Africa, Pakistan, the middle east and many other parts of the world where virgins no longer exist except in memory of times under British rule. In a bid to increase his personal popularity and support his agendas, DiMontezemolo is expected to change his name to something pronounceable, and where the spelling can be remembered. This will boost his popularity above the person he is currently tied with (Iranian President – can’t spell his name). Generally the German GP was interesting, though nothing will touch the Canadian GP this year respecting excitement. It was just OK. Many were hoping GE’s new on-board weapons program would be launched in a limited fashion at the German GP, however weapons have been banned in Germany since 1945 so the launch date has been postponed, and this raises the prospect that the feature will never be allowed in Japan. The weapons probably would have helped McLaren a lot. Too bad they were not available, and I really feel sorry for Lewis about that. As do we all. As do we all……. Hopefully over the next two weeks there will something interesting to talk about. Getting difficult to continue making all this stuff up. |
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| Rob | Jul 22 2011, 08:15 PM Post #2 |
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Fantastic!!!!
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1:04 AM Jul 11