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Alonso Wins!!!
Topic Started: Jul 5 2011, 06:20 PM (556 Views)
Pasta
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Fernando Alonso finally won a race in the 2011 season though the win was somewhat tainted due to the absence of his top competitors.

Sebastian Vettel had eaten proper British food and as such was held up in the long lineups for the Silverstone loos, prompting F1 maestro Bernie Ecclestone to again threaten to cancel the British grand prix based on its inadequate facilities.

“I need to go FAST” Vettel was overheard to say. A British fan was heard to reply in the King’s English “We all do mate. We all do. Now shut your f#@%ing trap and wait your f#@%ing turn or I’ll f#@%ing shut it for you! Who the f#@%ing hell do you f#@%ing think you are mate? F#@%ing Schumacher?”

Apparently Vettel could not communicate properly to tell them he had to go number two, and could only hold up one finger. “What’s your hurry mate? Aaah I see. Number one. Gotta take a piss. No problem, just duck around the corner and go against the wall.”

“Nein Nein” cried Vettel. “Hey mate don’t get angry. Just trying to help?”
And again in exasperation, Vettel replied with a jabbing gesture with his index finger. “Ya I got that mate, number one, but like I told you, around the corner against the wall.”

After a short while it was all too late for Vettel.

“This was a disaster” said Ecclestone. “The world’s top race car driver couldn’t make the start because he couldn’t get to a bloody toilet and messed his pants!!”

An exasperated Damon Hill who had tried to hold things up finally washed his hands of the issue.

Notwithstanding the absence of Vettel, Alonso drove a perfect race leading from pole, but had little competition. Hamilton took out Webber, Button, Rosberg, Schumacher, Kobayashi, Heidfeld and Petrov and was simply too stressed from Mansell and Villeneuve criticisms to drive quickly after that. Christian Horner was quick to jump in with his opinion saying the Webber accident was not Vettel’s fault.

Notwithstanding the lame circumstances of Alonso’s win, it was a big day for Ferrari. Domenicali will not be fired for at least two more weeks, and Di Montezemolo’s odds of becoming Italy’s next president doubled according to Ermanno Sarducci, Sicily’s leading book maker and chief accountant for the Corleone family.

Perhaps the one exception to the joy in the Ferrari camp was Felipe Massa who again had another dismal performance failing to get the best out of his car. With rumors of drivers to replace Massa at Ferrari persisting for weeks and months now, Massa must be under huge pressure. Some insist it is all but done with Ferrari wanting someone actually fast enough to help Alonso.

With such certainty that Felipe will not be driving at Ferrari next year no other teams seem willing to pick up his salary. With no viable prospects, Karl Malden was overheard to ask Felipe: “You have no drive. Your mojo has been stolen. You are all alone and all is lost. What will you do? What will you do?”

But all is not lost for the diminutive Massa.

A wealthy pygmy family wants to adopt Massa to give their children confidence.

Mattel’s Mexican doll manufacturer is getting ready to launch a Felipe doll that lisps when you ask it a question.

As such, with his savings and prospects, Massa is not expected to lose his house or need to wash dishes and wait tables in a grungy Latin restaurant frequented by drug addicts and cheap prostitutes to the wee hours of the morning.

The big news at Silverstone remains with the continuing fall out from Valencia and other padlock news. Considered the most boring race since the last USGP, fingers of blame and responsibility are pointing everywhere.

Three drivers, including veteran Jarno Trulli, were given 5 grid place penalties for the next race for driving whilst asleep at Valencia. An unapologetic Trulli said “Why not (take a nap)? My steering wheel hasn’t worked for three grands prix, and there was nothing for me to do!!”

Schumacher was given a severe reprimand and $5,000 fine for using car to pit radio to talk to his tax accountant during the race.

Bits of rice, tempura batter and Styrofoam with a molecular match to packaging from a Japanese fast food outlet were discovered in Kobayashi’s car.

Valencia organizers say they are not to blame. They painted the circuit in such pretty colors they were sure would result in an exciting race. They blame Pirelli.

In a tit-for-tat response, Pirelli suggested the Valencia organizers should either put in rest zones, or break the race into two parts with siesta and snacks in the middle. In an obvious snub to all Spaniards, Pirelli suggested Spanish GP organizers let bulls run during parts of the race.

Ecclestone is understood to like this idea.

Ecclestone said this pointed out why Bahrain needs to be reinstated, as exploding objects during the race would add to the spice and suspense of the race and were cheaper than sprinkler systems.

“Road side exploding devices would be a great equalizer” said Ecclestone. “Also the noise level will remain good even with the new quieter engines from 2014, which means I may not have to sue the FIA. I hate the new engine proposals, and I hope I don’t live to see that.”

“We are with you there Bernie” said all but his friend.

Continued Ecclestone: “Combine this with my concept of islands in the middle of the track and alternative chicanes, and then it is a guess as to which route will have the road-side devices. The races will only be won on the last lap!”

Exploding devices would not be allowed for the first three laps or during safety car periods.

The notion is gaining some support as controlled explosions could help combat the ridiculous reliability of current engines.

A beleaguered Jean Todt is expected to support Ecclestone’s ideas, unless others oppose it, in which case Todt is not expected to know what to do.

General Electric made its sponsorship debut at Silverstone bringing light to the Lotus livery. The relationship, spawned from GE’s contracts with Air Asia, marks the entry of a mammoth new sponsor - larger by a significant amount than Marlborough.

“Marlborough kills by spreading chemical toxins” said anonymous GE executive Mr. X (Note: GE does not disclose certain executives – for a complete list of GE executives that do not include advanced weaponry and other interesting shit please see: http://www.ge.com/company/leadership/executives.html ). “We at GE don’t. We could, but we don’t. We prefer to use better technology.”

In fact GE’s entry into F1 could have massive implications for the sport. In addition to bringing major sources of technology respecting KERS and hybrid engines, perhaps its biggest contribution could be in the area of on-board weaponry.

Inspired by Mario Supercart, the idea is to allow trailing drivers to use an assortment of weapons in certain zones. The farther back the car, the bigger the weapons. This would obviously benefit Lotus the most, making the GE sponsorship of the team completely logical.

Considered by many to be potentially much more exciting than movable rear wings, this program is expected to be tabled at the next FOTA meeting.

Jenson Button is understood to really like the idea of banana peels shooting out of the back of his car. These would be called “Button Smoothies”. Weapons capable of taking out 3 or more cars at a time would be called “Hamiltons”. One anticipated weapon that is to spray gentle puffs of pink smoke that waft gently are expected to be called “Rosbergs”. Rosbergs are not expected to be winners.

Finally cars will be fitted with rear spray nozzles named “Barrichello’s essence”.

Notwithstanding the initial positive reception to the idea, there are some concerns that with GE involved as an exclusive weapons supplier, no competitive team will be able to comply with cost ceilings except for Lotus, which will be able to hide real costs better than any team with the exceptions of RBR and Ferrari.

Based on recent disclosures, Webber’s racing incident perhaps masked his potential deeper problems, and many think his performance in Valencia was, in fact, the best he could do this year or ever again.

Christian Horner and others in the know at Red Bull Racing are concerned with an apparent complete lack of aggressiveness in Webber this year. Whilst Christian Horner has publicly stated that he wants Webber to be more aggressive, he apparently has withheld a lot of information from the public and has all but given up hope on the Australian.

According to a medical source in Red Bull’s unique to F1 clinic for RWP (“Racers With Problems”), Webber’s recent blood tests showed alarmingly low testosterone levels. In fact after the latest two tests the trending is to an almost complete disappearance of the male hormone.

Dr. Z, a regular medical expert on the Oprah show, offered that this is a rare problem, but would certainly explain Webbers diminished aggressiveness.

Clinical psychiatrist, specialist in paralysis and lame dick syndrome and star of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - Dr. Emile Von Schiffhouser, the III - revealed that Webber’s inability to be aggressive is, in fact, due to a virtual absence of testosterone and is evidenced by Webber’s complete inability this year to cause even one single accident.

(In German)“It’sh a downvard Shpiraal” Said Dr. Schiffhouser. “Vebber hash sshufferred a feeling of inadeqvauashi, mosht likely due to lame dick shyndrome caushed by za abshence of teshtoshterone. It shtarts vit da puny digit, unduly shmall shcrotem und of coursh the rejection for no erection shyndrome.”

(And further in German) “Thish shyndrome ish caushed by vives and girlfriendsh and table danshers and proshtitutes and blow up dollsh you can purchash at For Men Only on zsha corner of 13th Avenue and 72nd Shtreet in Manhatten for approxshimately $150. All of theesh are much too large for the digit of a pershon vit Vebbersh’ condition and sho he becomesh completely emaschculated, looshes all confidensh and zsha vill to be aggresshive.”

When asked for a definitive diagnosis, Dr. Schiffhouser replied: “Mark Vebber ish a complete wooshey. Flatter shan a pancake. Shlower shan a shnail. Shmaller shan zsha head of a schircumshised parameshium. Too shmall for tweeshers. No shwimmersh in sha tadpole pool.

Tony Burke, Australian Minister for Sustainability, Environment, Water, Population and Communication has, with the full support of government and opposition parliamentarians, started the push to strip Mark Webber of his Australian citizenship.

“We Awstraallians pride ourselves, particularly the men folk but sheilaaas would agree, that the defining aspects of an Awstraallian male person is a high sperm count and high testosterone levels to produce an acceptable level of aggressiveness. Mr. Webber’s condition flies so much in the face of what wae believe in that wae no longer consider him to be a true Awstraalian and I don’t see why he should be able to keep his paassport any longer. I mean crikey mate, he hasn’t given a Sheila a good slapping around for months!! He just no longer belongs in our country.”

Meanwhile, Qantas airlines has said its decision to move Mark Webber from pilot training to flight attendant training has nothing to do with his low testosterone levels.

In an unusual display of willingness to be in the public spotlight, Niki Lauda offered his incisive and worthwhile insights on Webber’s condition. “[0000000000000000]”

Meanwhile Max Mosley feels that Webber has a right to privacy, and in a gesture of support has lent Webber some of his favorite costumes to wear plus a gift voucher for two hours in the “Dungeons of Auschwitz” room at his favorite gentlemen’s club.

When asked about his fascination with prostitutes in Jewish POW garb, Mosley replied “I prefer slim women”.

In other news, speculation as to Massa’s replacement persists. The name Nelson Piquet Jr. has cropped up as he was seen talking to the Ferrari team during Friday free practice in Valencia.

Insiders believe that Piquet is pushing his ability to help the number 1 driver even if he is in 16th position.

Piquet was also understood to have approached Alonso to apologize for going public and showing Alonso to be a cheater and a thief and a liar and a fairly small man barely larger than a winning jockey. Apparently Piquet’s approach to Alonso was successful and Alonso agreed to bury the hatchet.

This does not necessarily mean Piquet will be replacing Massa at Ferrari any time soon. A key impediment is that he cannot wear a driver’s helmet until the hatchet is removed from his head.

Fall out from the Obama/Hamilton photo shoot continues. What started out as a simple photo op based on their almost identical head shapes was taken by Kentucky Fried Chicken to use as a base for a charitable program as well as to promote artery friendly deep fried chicken.

“Deep fried chicken has been the favorite of many a president and, according to Fuzzy Zoeller, the favorite meal for Tiger Woods at the champions dinner at Augusta” said a KFC spokesman. “The fact that President Clinton has required bypass surgery has nothing to do with an exclusive diet of deep fried chicken”.

KFC customers could win big prizes for charities if they correctly guessed which photo was of Hamilton and which was of Obama. Entry fee was simply a receipt for a Family sized bucket of deep fried comfort food.

The contest was entitled “Which is which – Chicken or Grits and chicken don’t shit after been deep fried in oil”.

Contestants who successfully identified Obama or Hamilton caused KFC to contribute to the charitable pool. Any KFC contestant who could successfully identify both Obama and Hamilton (out of two pictures) received the same prize on the basis that if they successfully identified the first picture, they had an unfair advantage in identifying the second picture.

WalMart shoppers, Detroit auto workers and all people from Tennessee thought this was unfair because guessing right on one photo did not guarantee you would be correct on the other.

“It just aint fair” said one 375lb bra-less female trailer park resident in purple spandex pants. “I mean I know his name an all, and I know he was elected president, but I didn’t vote for ‘im so how should I know what he looks like, let ulone this Hamilton feller. And they’re both black!!! They shoulda worn different shirts or somethin.”

Millions of dollars were generated under the program, but the problem was in choosing the beneficiaries. More than half the proceeds were to go to promote schooling and education of young non-whites in Obama’s place of birth.

Republicans are fighting Democrats on this, insisting that Kenya, and not Hawaii, should be getting the money. Hawaiians are now raising awareness of their non-white status. Jewish lawyers are working on the half-n-half youth of America as possible clients for a class action suit, and Pakistanis are saying this uncertainty proves they should be able to move to the UK at will.

When asked about the disagreements and conflict Sarah Palin opined “gosh golly and darn it all tomorrow is going to be a bright sunny day”. Republicans are happy with Palin’s clear understanding of complex issues.

Generally the British GP was a vast improvement over Valencia as evidenced by a 95% decline in viewer suicide rates. Only one case of a house fire started by a smoldering cigarette on the sofa during the race was recorded, whereas that number was a staggering 79 for Valencia.

What will you do, what will you do? Apparently only Americans and Canadians will get that.

Stay tuned for new and exciting more of the same.
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Rob
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Hope it comes to pass. <please>
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PiquetFan
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<roflmao>

Best one yet, Pasta <thumbsup>

Just one correction - that should have read 'proper ENGLISH food'. Everyone knows that the Scots and the Welsh are culinary geniuses compared to the English <peek>
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Norbert
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PiquetFan,Jul 6 2011
06:06 AM
Everyone knows that the Scots and the Welsh are culinary geniuses compared to the English <peek>

Oh yes, cheese on toast and boiled sheep's stomachs are divine!

<roflmao>
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H16 BRM
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Norbert,Jul 6 2011
02:17 PM
PiquetFan,Jul 6 2011
06:06 AM
Everyone knows that the Scots and the Welsh are culinary geniuses compared to the English  <peek>

Oh yes, cheese on toast and boiled sheep's stomachs are divine!

<roflmao>

Not to mention deep fried Mars Bars!

<dinner>
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Rob
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You're getting pretty good at this Pasta. <bow>
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TheCompleteGuitarist
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Just wondering when I am going to wake up from Pasta's dream
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Jack
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<roflmao> <bow>
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