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| Hamilton Wins!!! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 25 2011, 05:03 AM (460 Views) | |
| Pasta | Jun 25 2011, 05:03 AM Post #1 |
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Chief Engineer
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Due in large part to a remarkable and radical step in car design, McLaren’s Lewis Hamilton won in Valencia. His car was fitted with an indestructible front wing made from materials available only from area 51. The new front wing allowed Hamilton to pass all other cars in the braking zones. In fact Hamilton didn’t even need to brake as he simply ran into cars in front of him, and scooped them aside. The combination of the deceleration effect from ramming the car in front together with the additional downforce created by the weight of the car in front on his indestructible wings allowed Hamilton to take all corners without risk of running wide. Another addition to the Hamilton car was the lovely spinning blades attached to each of his wheels. Inspired in part from the movie Ben Hur (chariot race segment) and in part by the original Grease movie (with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John – not the sequel with Michelle Pfeiffer), these wheels made it impossible for other cars to fight Hamilton for position, and all that tried required additional pit stops to replace shredded tyres. McLaren team boss Martin Whitmarsh admitted that the new changes did suit Hamilton’s driving style perhaps more than any other driver – ever – but insisted this was not indicative of the team’s preference for Hamilton over Jenson Button. In fact Whitmarsh insisted the team treated both drivers equally and suggested new car changes would be available much more suited to Button’s driving style. “We don’t view Jenson as a number 2 driver” said Whitmarsh. “We treat both drivers equally – similar to Red Bull but not quite as insincerely – and our next changes are expected to help Jenson much more than Lewis in that they focus on the rear of the car, and not the front.” Whitmarsh was quick to deny that the next improvements designed to protect the rear were indicative that the team was trying to woo Nico Rosberg from Mercedes. “Those are erroneous speculations from the press and the British gay community” said Whitmarsh. “Besides, by now Nico doesn’t need McLaren to tell him how to protect his rear, if in fact he wants to protect his rear.” Whitmarsh declined to elaborate on what he meant. Hamilton won in astonishing style. Despite 12 drive-through penalties for causing damage to other cars, none of the top contenders managed to finish the race having either been bunted off the track or running out of tyres. “It was a great race for me” said an emotional Hamilton. “I won despite all the prejudice and bias against me and my driving style. I mean: is it just a coincidence that the only black driver gets a record 12 drive-through penalties and still wins? It shows my driving style and my race has a place in F1.” Hamilton is expected to have a meeting with President Obama with perhaps a photo op. The two have almost identical head shapes and hair styles. The WHITE House barber is feeling the pressure as he is clearly not as familiar with BLACK peoples’ hair as is Hamilton’s stylist (capitals my emphasis). Further Hamilton has more money and can afford the best stylists, though many speculate that Hamilton actually no longer has any hair whatsoever, and rather his head is painted or tattood. There is some question about the legality of the new parts to Lewis’ McLaren, and the stewards are expected to come to a ruling in a timely fashion, most likely before the end of the 2011 season. The Mercedes of Michael Schumacher and Nico Rosberg finished 2nd and 3rd respectively due mainly to incredible strategy. “Obviously and clearly we saw what was developing on the race circuit” said Schumacher. “Luckily and fortunately for us, we were enough off the pace that only the Red Bulls and Ferraris were close enough to compete and as such they were the first to exit the race. With some brilliant strategy from Ross and myself, we decided to drive through the pit lane whenever Lewis was close, and so we were two of the only cars remaining.” The reaction of Ferrari driver Fernando Alonso was, not unexpectedly, somewhat harsh. “Same-old, same-old” he told reporters. When asked what he meant by that, Alonso replied “This”. When asked for clarification Alonso suggested the Times reporter buy a vowel, leading to growing suspicion that Alonso would perhaps win more races if he spent less time watching American TV game shows. Most pundits agree that not even a Piquet could have helped Alonso today. Barrichello, despite a very disappointing result following his success in Canada, continues to make Williams sponsor Kleenex brand tissues happy. He apparently found another reason to cry. Kleenex is understood to be providing financial backing to a new superhero comic book based on Rubens including a cartoon series based around the Williams driver. The theme music for the series will be Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson (or Cry if You Want Me – You would cry too if it happened to you). The superhero irrigates drought stricken agricultural land in Africa with his tears, and his superhero cape is made of Kleenex tissue which never rips even at high speed. The superhero’s nemesis is expected to be a German for obvious and clearly intuitive reasons. This season just keeps getting better and better. |
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| TheCompleteGuitarist | Jun 25 2011, 11:48 AM Post #2 |
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Driver
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Now I know the result I am just going to get into my time machine and skip the race tomorrow, save wasting 2 hours of my life. Going to place a bet first though
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| P1 | Jun 25 2011, 01:41 PM Post #3 |
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Chief Engineer
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Thank you Pasta, Great summary! Btw what is the name of the space cakes that you eat every other weekend? |
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| Pasta | Jun 25 2011, 03:02 PM Post #4 |
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Chief Engineer
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No name, actually. Just something special I whip up myself. Completely organic. |
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| Pasta | Jun 25 2011, 03:49 PM Post #5 |
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Chief Engineer
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Also more of a vapor than a solid. |
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| Jack | Jun 25 2011, 08:49 PM Post #6 |
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Chief Engineer
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| Rob | Jun 28 2011, 07:06 PM Post #7 |
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These are great. Please keep them up. |
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| TheCompleteGuitarist | Jun 29 2011, 02:20 AM Post #8 |
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Driver
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Anyone remember the icemancometh? He predicted Button's first win with just such an amusing story. |
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| PiquetFan | Jun 29 2011, 01:27 PM Post #9 |
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Driver
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I remember that post on the BBC site very well
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| TheCompleteGuitarist | Jun 29 2011, 05:56 PM Post #10 |
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Driver
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Incredible post. I recall he was not really a Button fan and probably regretted such a witty post. |
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| u4coffee | Jun 30 2011, 12:22 PM Post #11 |
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Just Married
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I guess it's in here.... somewhere: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbfivelive/F2148571 Good luck finding it though!! |
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| TheCompleteGuitarist | Jun 30 2011, 02:34 PM Post #12 |
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Driver
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It's on here somewhere too as someone quoted it, Flood maybe. |
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| Pasta | Jun 30 2011, 06:53 PM Post #13 |
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Chief Engineer
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Thanks Rob. I wondered what people thought of them, but Flood told me also to keep writing them. The first two were rather primitive and frankly hastily written. I will try to improve going forward and have already drafted the bulk of the next one - just waiting for the Navaho Indian spiritual man to divine the winner, which should happen by a week this Friday. I appreciated the comments and feedback. |
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1:04 AM Jul 11