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So......
Topic Started: Aug 11 2016, 08:06 PM (38,861 Views)
Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
And I haven't been allowed on a cruise ship for over 5 years.




It all started with that whole "poop deck" misunderstanding....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
She: you've got the smallest organ I've ever seen.

He: yeah well... this was the first time it's ever played in a cathedral...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So..

A man goes to his male doctorvafter several tests:

Man: Just give it to me straight, doc."
Dr: That's impossible. We're both males.

Both men laugh for a minute, then..

Dr: Besides, I don't want AIDS...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you".
"I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it." Clint Eastwood, Pink Cadillac
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the ****ing morning!"
"I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it." Clint Eastwood, Pink Cadillac
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.
He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
"I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it." Clint Eastwood, Pink Cadillac
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Catseye3
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Fulla-Carp
:lol2:
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning." -- Catherine Aird
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...

I called OnStar yesterday, and this woman answered.

I said "I'm stuck on the side of the road."

She said "Well at least *you* have a shoulder to cry on!"....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So.

My cold air balloon business never got off the ground...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So they're coming out with a new version of The Exorcist..

In this one a woman hires Satan to get a priest out of her son.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Man to his blonde wife : I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.

Blonde wife : how did you know it was on its way to work?...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...

I decided to visit this weight watcher website..

First thing once I got to their site, a little box opened up and asked me if I would accept cookies...


I think I'm gonna like that place...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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jon-nyc
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Cheers
lol
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...

Know what's on the way out?


Exit signs....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
The cops knocked on my door last night and said "sorry to bother you sir, but could we have a quick word?"

So I said... "Velocity?"
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World-a War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
"I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it." Clint Eastwood, Pink Cadillac
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jon-nyc
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Cheers
A guy walks into a crowded bar, angry as all hell.

He shouts “I got a Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine and one in the chamber. I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”


A voice from back says, “You’re going to need more ammo.”
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So....

How does a Mexican slice a pizza?

With little caesars...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

CNN, MSNBC: "SCIENTIST SAY FINDINGS ARE MEANINGLESS"
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So....

A young Greek guy was very unhappy living with such a large family, and gave a lot of thought to running away to live in italy...

But he just couldn't leave his little brothers behind.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...

I went to a seafood restaurant last night.. there must have been a fight right before I got there..

Three fish were battered.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
It was a seafood disco bar..

I pulled a mussel..

I may need a sturgeon...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I wasn't very happy with the food there, either.

I asked the waiter to bring me a fish with no eye.

He brought me a fsh.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain all over my head, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, "I'm sorry but...you may not feel anything from the waist down."

It took all my effort, but I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Me and my buddy were out fishing yesterday. He said "If I had not gone fishing with you today, but instead had stayed home and then sneaked over to your house and made love to your wife and she got pregnant... would that make us kin?"

I said "Nope. But it sure would have made us even..."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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