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So......
Topic Started: Aug 11 2016, 08:06 PM (39,038 Views)
Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So....

a dog walked into a bar and ordered a martini.

The bartender said "Hey, we don't get many dogs in here ordering drinks!"

The dog said "At these prices I'm not surprised....."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So....

Three moles were digging their way through a garden.


The first mole popped his head out and said "I smell lettuce!"

The second mole popped his head out and said "I smell carrots!"

The third mole popped his head out and said "All I can smell is molasses..."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Campfire cooking...

it's all fun and games until somebody loses a wiener......
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So..

today I stopped into Victoria's Secret to pick up some sexy lingerie.

The girl at the sales counter said "Surprise for the wife?"

I said "Only if she catches me in them..."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I bought an anti-bullying T shirt too.


Well, I didn't actually buy it. I took it off this fat guy....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I heard that Oprah got arrested as she left the Golden Globes show..

Police found 50 pounds of crack hidden under her dress....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Note to self:

It doesn't matter how good the hand soap in the men's room smells, don't walk out smelling your fingers.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
My neighbor has Swine Flu.


It's ok though, the doctor gave him an oinkment...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
His wife had Bird Flu once... but she got tweetment...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...

I had to go see a therapist last week. I find I get really angry when my cell phone dies.


He suggested I find an outlet....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...


I beat the hell out of two Green Berets today..










F*ckers tried to sell me a candy bar for 5 DOLLARS!!!



Yeah, I know... some people like to call them boy scouts, but whatever.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Sad news from Australia...




The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I poured root beer in a square glass.


Now I just have beer.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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The Silver Tongued Devil
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Junior Carp
So how many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Never play poker with a man named Ace.
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Claude Ball
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Middle Aged Carp
It dudn't matter 'cause they never git the house anyway.
Dain bramage caused my peach imspediment.
Tooth? Tooth? You can't handle the tooth!
Remember: He who laughs last, thinks slowest.....
DON'T BEND OVER IN THE GARDEN, MARGARET - THEM TATER'S GOT EYES!
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jon-nyc
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Cheers
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f***ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.
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George K
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Finally
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

"There are 57 different genders, but politics is binary."
- David Burge, 7/29/18
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So..

I have a new understudy...



Justin Case....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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brenda
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..............
Claude Ball
Jan 11 2018, 11:20 AM
It dudn't matter 'cause they never git the house anyway.
:lol2:

So glad you were here to answer that one, Claude.
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...

I guess a crowded elevator smells different to a midget...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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George K
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Finally
A line from "Nemesis Games" which I'm reading now.

"Realizing you’ve got **** on your fingers is the first step toward washing your hands." :lol2:
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

"There are 57 different genders, but politics is binary."
- David Burge, 7/29/18
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
So...

My wife asked "How do they make Ben Gay?"

I said..... "they squeeze his little tube...."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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jon-nyc
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Cheers
The Lord sayeth unto John "come forth and receive eternal life" but John came fifth so he got a toaster.
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I held a door open for a clown today.

I thought it was a nice jester....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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