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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 4 2016, 08:43 PM (490 Views) | |
| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 08:43 PM Post #1 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.. Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix . Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida . Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama . Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 08:46 PM Post #2 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 08:48 PM Post #3 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve of the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano over there he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.” |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 08:52 PM Post #4 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Two priests are driving along the road when they get stopped by a police officer The officer walks up to the priests' car and tells them, "Hello sirs, we're looking for two child molesters. The priest in the driver's seat turns to the other, and after a brief moment of conversation, turns back to the officer and says, "Yeah, okay, we'll do it.” |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 08:54 PM Post #5 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men's room, then walked out through the bar. It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home. When he arrived at his front door, he realized he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realized he’d left his hat on the table. He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked, “Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.” |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 09:01 PM Post #6 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road Kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to Warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 09:02 PM Post #7 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple. The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear. Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!' Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yourself up a bit. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 4 2016, 09:06 PM Post #8 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California, but we're not having any of that sh!t in Minnesooooooooota!!” |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Catseye | Jan 4 2016, 11:24 PM Post #9 |
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Pisa-Carp
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!!! !!!
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| "How awful a knowledge of the truth can be." -- Sophocles, Oedipus Rex | |
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| Catseye | Jan 4 2016, 11:30 PM Post #10 |
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Pisa-Carp
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A man walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some talcum powder. The druggist says, "Walk this way". And the guy says, "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder".
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| "How awful a knowledge of the truth can be." -- Sophocles, Oedipus Rex | |
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| Catseye | Jan 4 2016, 11:40 PM Post #11 |
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Pisa-Carp
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Q. What was the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary? A. That Joseph had already made reservations. |
| "How awful a knowledge of the truth can be." -- Sophocles, Oedipus Rex | |
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| Catseye | Jan 4 2016, 11:42 PM Post #12 |
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Pisa-Carp
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Dedicated to George: I used to think my favorite piece of music was by Paganini, until I realised that what it said in the music book was 'page nine'. |
| "How awful a knowledge of the truth can be." -- Sophocles, Oedipus Rex | |
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| Catseye | Jan 4 2016, 11:48 PM Post #13 |
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Pisa-Carp
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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a penguin on his head. Doctor says, "How can I help you?" Penguin says, "Can you get this guy off my feet?" |
| "How awful a knowledge of the truth can be." -- Sophocles, Oedipus Rex | |
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| Larry | Jan 5 2016, 06:55 AM Post #14 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "Say, where'd you get that?" The frog says "Well, it started out as a wart on my ass...." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 5 2016, 06:57 AM Post #15 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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I was chatting up this hot little Chinese chick one night, and I asked her for her phone number. She said "Sex Sex Sex! Free sex tonight!" I got all excited until this Chinese guy says "She said 666-3629...." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 5 2016, 06:13 PM Post #16 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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One of George's favorite jokes: Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 5 2016, 06:18 PM Post #17 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and dentures made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were still hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.’ |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jan 5 2016, 06:21 PM Post #18 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A man's wife had been after him for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while his wife was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, the man got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, the man undid the toilet seat bolts. His wife wrapped a sheet around herself. The man drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.... The woman tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed.” |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| George K | Jan 5 2016, 06:32 PM Post #19 |
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Finally
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That reminds me... A young, religious Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. She was very skinny, and when she sat down, she literally fell in! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her night gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulka, over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Unz4of3DkTU&ab_channel=OldJewsTellingJokes Edited by George K, Jan 5 2016, 06:34 PM.
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Larry | Jan 5 2016, 06:38 PM Post #20 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| George K | Jan 5 2016, 06:50 PM Post #21 |
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Finally
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Seid nicht meshuggeh. Remember, when I worked at the University, I was the honorary Jew. |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Mark | Jan 5 2016, 06:59 PM Post #22 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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___.___ (_]===* o 0 When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells | |
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| George K | Jan 5 2016, 07:02 PM Post #23 |
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Finally
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The name's Hugh Jardon, how ya doin'? |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Larry | Jan 5 2016, 07:02 PM Post #24 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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"Dicken Cider" Hahahahahahaaa!!!!
Edited by Larry, Jan 5 2016, 07:04 PM.
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| George K | Jan 5 2016, 07:03 PM Post #25 |
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Finally
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Hugh's a relative of Dick Gazina, you know. |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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