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It could have been me!
Topic Started: May 21 2015, 01:15 PM (82 Views)
The Silver Tongued Devil
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Junior Carp
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of loud, bearded young muslims,shouting anti-American slogans, with a half burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9/11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18 wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car.

For several minutes I sat there thinking "Man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Never play poker with a man named Ace.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A tree hugging anti-gun liberal Democrat woman from Los Angeles purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat waiting for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down..."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Robert was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Robert asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Robert replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me? I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender . The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers .

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, bout 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still happy with Barrack Obama?"
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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