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Hey Brenda; what was it like for you, going to college?
Topic Started: Oct 5 2013, 12:24 PM (665 Views)
Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
Friday
Oct 7 2013, 08:35 PM
I was just trying to point out that (no matter how old or far away the kid is) parents will do things for their children. They do it until they can't anymore. In my mind, it's not a matter of "letting go"; it's telling the kid that they are loved.
OK, that I have no problem with.
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Horace
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HOLY CARP!!!
I think everybody but you took "unable to let go" as a negative judgement, Ax. I hope you can let this one go.
As a good person, I implore you to do as I, a good person, do. Be good. Do NOT be bad. If you see bad, end bad. End it in yourself, and end it in others. By any means necessary, the good must conquer the bad. Good people know this. Do you know this? Are you good?
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brenda
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..............
Yes, Ax, in post #7 you state that your wording was judgmental, and in a harsh way. You said you could not "soften" it, which makes it clear that you knew it was negative. I also know that this is about my personal life, which is not your business to judge, and that I find it distasteful that you would presume to cast any negative judgment about it to post in a public forum. You made assumptions about me and my personal life to even begin this thread, then passed your judgment, and posted it here. It was inappropriate for you to do so, which several people have tried to tell you.

I do not know what your problem is, Ax, but please leave me alone. You have no right to treat me this way again and again.
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Ballyhoo
Middle Aged Carp
Brenda, for what it's worth, I don't think Ax was being intentionally rude or offensive in his first post (but I acknowledge that he's been insensitive in later posts).

When I read his first post, I didn't detect any ill-will, but after reading subsequent posts in the thread I can understand how that interpretation was made.

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brenda
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..............
Ballyhoo
Oct 7 2013, 10:23 PM
Brenda, for what it's worth, I don't think Ax was being intentionally rude or offensive in his first post (but I acknowledge that he's been insensitive in later posts).

When I read his first post, I didn't detect any ill-will, but after reading subsequent posts in the thread I can understand how that interpretation was made.

Thank you for your note, Ballyhoo. I appreciate it.
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
brenda
Oct 7 2013, 10:12 PM
Yes, Ax, in post #7 you state that your wording was judgmental, and in a harsh way. You said you could not "soften" it, which makes it clear that you knew it was negative.
No, I did not "know" nor do I think that it is negative. I just thought that it may be too "strong," and "strong" is neither positive nor negative.

brenda
 
I also know that this is about my personal life, which is not your business to judge, and that I find it distasteful that you would presume to cast any negative judgment about it to post in a public forum.
1. You are the one who have chosen to talk about your "personal life" publicly.

2. I have not judge your personal life, positive or negative. (Horace, on the other hand, has definitely judged your personal life -- he judged you a "great Mom" in post #3. I don't suppose you want to tell Horace that it's not his business to judge now that I have pointed out to you that he has done exactly that, do you?)

brenda
 
You made assumptions about me and my personal life ...
I have made no assumption here. See point #3 in post #25. If you believe that is not the case, quote from my posts here whatever it is that you believe is an assumption and we'll see what's what.

brenda
 
You have no right to treat me this way again and again.
I have yet to judge you despite you accusing me of doing "horrible things" in post #22. Reflect on that and think about who is mistreating whom here.
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Klaus
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HOLY CARP!!!
Ax, I like you, but I'm sorry to say that you are an a$$ in this thread. Whether you intended this or not is irrelevant: Your tone was insulting, and rather than trying to justify your actions (and making things worse), the only valid response would be an apology.
Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman
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Klaus
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HOLY CARP!!!
Axtremus
Oct 7 2013, 11:06 PM
brenda
 
I also know that this is about my personal life, which is not your business to judge, and that I find it distasteful that you would presume to cast any negative judgment about it to post in a public forum.
1. You are the one who have chosen to talk about your "personal life" publicly.
Yes, Brenda does talk about her personal life, which means that she adds life and warmth to the forum. She is making herself vulnerable by doing so, as we see in this thread. That's the price one pays for friendship. If everybody would behave like you - that is, never talk about any personal things at all - this forum would be dead within a day.
Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman
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jon-nyc
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Cheers
Ax please put the shovel down.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Sometimes paraphrasing is a good tool for illustration.

Quote:
 
Hey Brenda,

I watch with much amusement your long string of bitter-sweet threads talking about your daughter going to college. It's like you are proud yet unable to let go.

As a Vulcan, I revel in your inability to turn your emotions off, human female. You go on excessively about your obsession with your daughter. Clearly you are what humans call a helicopter parent. Pathetic and weak. On my planet we would have killed you at birth.

What was it like between you and your closest parent when you went for college? Did you also go far away from said parent for college? How did you think s/he handled it? Did you talk to said parent about your emotion about your daughter being away for college? What sort of advise does said parent give you (if any)? Is any of the advise helping you at all?

Is this a generational thing with humans? Didn't you learn anything at all from your own experiences with your deficient parents? I think they were propellerheads too.




I will offer this up in the original Vulcan. It needs no translation.

Quote:
 
If we assume that you are right, that no mother ever really "let go" or want to "let go," then "unable to let go" would be the norm, the way it should be, and therefore really is nothing to get upset over or be offended about when one identifying as a "mother" is "unable to let go."

This does not seem to be the case here. Brenda's reply so far suggests that she is quite likely upset or offended by those words. As so do all the other responses so far that seem to object to those very words.

These reactions, I think, is closer to the norm. That people generally recognize that it is somehow preferable to be able to "let go" than not. That people somehow view "inability to let go" as a deficiency that one wants to hopefully correct at some point (and deny before such a correction can be made) rather than accept as the norm.

The above deals with the abstract concept of "unable to let go" and people's view of (and reaction to) it.

In practice, whether your father was indeed "unable to let go" is not yet determined (at least not in my mind based on what little you have written do far). It's one thing to get your children little things "just because" when you live close together when it's easy, but different when your children lives far away when it's harder. Furthermore, it is not yet known (not to me anyway) how often such gestures were made in your case. I say this thinking of the elders in my own family. There is a particular one I have in mind who indeed like to do "little things" for his grown-up children quite frequently (let's say once a month if not more often), but he only does so for the children who live close to him, not for the ones who live hours of car drive away, much less for those who live hours of plane ride away.

The way I look at it, whether a parent is "unable to let go" in this sort of circumstances has to do with how frequently and how much effort one has to expend (supposedly relative to one's means) to do those "little things." Subjectively, I see Brenda as having crossed that threshold, but not enough information to put your father on either side of that threshold.



In other words, "I hadn't enough evidence to form a conclusion but did so anyway. But then I really don't understand any of this stuff, so what the hell.". Sloppy logic there, Pointy-Ears.


Ax, when everyone but you receives your message in a certain way, it is obvious you have mis-communicated. As Jon says, put the shovel down and reflect.









Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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