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Hey Brenda; what was it like for you, going to college?
Topic Started: Oct 5 2013, 12:24 PM (666 Views)
Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
Hey Brenda,

I watch with much amusement your long string of bitter-sweet threads talking about your daughter going to college. It's like you are proud yet unable to let go.

What was it like between you and your closest parent when you went for college? Did you also go far away from said parent for college? How did you think s/he handled it? Did you talk to said parent about your emotion about your daughter being away for college? What sort of advise does said parent give you (if any)? Is any of the advise helping you at all?
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brenda
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..............
Unable to let go? Because I found an opportunity to take her some cake, I am unable to let go?

And you find it amusing?

You and I have nothing to discuss on this topic.
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Horace
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HOLY CARP!!!
You're a great Mom, Brenda. What I wouldn't give for a soundboard like you. You're beautiful.
As a good person, I implore you to do as I, a good person, do. Be good. Do NOT be bad. If you see bad, end bad. End it in yourself, and end it in others. By any means necessary, the good must conquer the bad. Good people know this. Do you know this? Are you good?
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jon-nyc
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Cheers
I hope you just choose the wrong words, Ax.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
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brenda
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..............
Horace
Oct 5 2013, 02:49 PM
You're a great Mom, Brenda. What I wouldn't give for a soundboard like you. You're beautiful.
Awww. Thanks, Horace. :hug:
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
brenda
Oct 5 2013, 02:26 PM
Unable to let go? Because I found an opportunity to take her some cake, I am unable to let go?
Also because of the stock tip thread.
brenda
 
And you find it amusing?
Yes, in a melodramatic sense.
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Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
jon-nyc
Oct 5 2013, 03:00 PM
I hope you just choose the wrong words, Ax.
Brenda objected to the words "unable to let go" and "amused".

On "unable to let go," I tried to look for alternative with softer, less judgmental tone but came up empty. So I stuck with "unable to let go."

On "amuse," see previous post.

I also used the word "proud" (before "unable to let go") which Brenda did not object to. So I assume you also do not question the suitability of that word choice.

Other words that you object to, let me know and I'll clarify.
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Friday
Senior Carp
I don't think a mother ever really "let's go".

I know that I will never stop doing things for my children; just like I know my mother will always do things for me. Until the day he died, my father would get me little things "just because". That's just what parents do.

I would never want my mother to stop being my mother.

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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Posted Image
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Klaus
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HOLY CARP!!!
Ax, stop acting as if you were suffering from Asperger.
Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman
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VPG
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Pisa-Carp
Klaus
Oct 5 2013, 11:41 PM
Ax, stop acting as if you were suffering from Asperger.
ACTING?


Here is the line_______________________CROSSED. :mad2: :veryangry: :mad2: :confused: :no: :cursing:
I'M NOT YELLING.........I'M ITALIAN...........THAT'S HOW WE TALK!


"People say that we're in a time when there are no heroes, they just don't know where to look."
Ronald Reagan, Inaugural, 1971

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Aqua Letifer
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ZOOOOOM!
Axtremus
Oct 5 2013, 07:03 PM
Other words that you object to, let me know and I'll clarify.
How about the ones that come out of your mouth?
I cite irreconcilable differences.
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VPG
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Pisa-Carp
Aqua Letifer
Oct 7 2013, 10:24 AM
Axtremus
Oct 5 2013, 07:03 PM
Other words that you object to, let me know and I'll clarify.
How about the ones that come out of your mouth?
Not his A$$? :blah: :blah:
I'M NOT YELLING.........I'M ITALIAN...........THAT'S HOW WE TALK!


"People say that we're in a time when there are no heroes, they just don't know where to look."
Ronald Reagan, Inaugural, 1971

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Klaus
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HOLY CARP!!!
VPG
Oct 7 2013, 10:43 AM
Aqua Letifer
Oct 7 2013, 10:24 AM
Axtremus
Oct 5 2013, 07:03 PM
Other words that you object to, let me know and I'll clarify.
How about the ones that come out of your mouth?
Not his A$$? :blah: :blah:
I enjoyhate to be a know-it-all, but most likely these words came out of his keyboard.
Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
In bits and bytes!

We really don't need another fight here.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Klaus
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HOLY CARP!!!
Indeed. Peace for our time!
Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
OK, Neville. :lol2:
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Klaus
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HOLY CARP!!!
I think the peace which Chamberlain announced lasted about a day. I am confident that I can undercut that duration :lol2:
Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman
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Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
Friday
Oct 5 2013, 08:29 PM
I don't think a mother ever really "let's go".

I know that I will never stop doing things for my children; just like I know my mother will always do things for me. Until the day he died, my father would get me little things "just because". That's just what parents do.

I would never want my mother to stop being my mother.

If we assume that you are right, that no mother ever really "let go" or want to "let go," then "unable to let go" would be the norm, the way it should be, and therefore really is nothing to get upset over or be offended about when one identifying as a "mother" is "unable to let go."

This does not seem to be the case here. Brenda's reply so far suggests that she is quite likely upset or offended by those words. As so do all the other responses so far that seem to object to those very words.

These reactions, I think, is closer to the norm. That people generally recognize that it is somehow preferable to be able to "let go" than not. That people somehow view "inability to let go" as a deficiency that one wants to hopefully correct at some point (and deny before such a correction can be made) rather than accept as the norm.

The above deals with the abstract concept of "unable to let go" and people's view of (and reaction to) it.

In practice, whether your father was indeed "unable to let go" is not yet determined (at least not in my mind based on what little you have written do far). It's one thing to get your children little things "just because" when you live close together when it's easy, but different when your children lives far away when it's harder. Furthermore, it is not yet known (not to me anyway) how often such gestures were made in your case. I say this thinking of the elders in my own family. There is a particular one I have in mind who indeed like to do "little things" for his grown-up children quite frequently (let's say once a month if not more often), but he only does so for the children who live close to him, not for the ones who live hours of car drive away, much less for those who live hours of plane ride away.

The way I look at it, whether a parent is "unable to let go" in this sort of circumstances has to do with how frequently and how much effort one has to expend (supposedly relative to one's means) to do those "little things." Subjectively, I see Brenda as having crossed that threshold, but not enough information to put your father on either side of that threshold.
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VPG
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Pisa-Carp
Ax you really are being offensive. don't you see that?
I'M NOT YELLING.........I'M ITALIAN...........THAT'S HOW WE TALK!


"People say that we're in a time when there are no heroes, they just don't know where to look."
Ronald Reagan, Inaugural, 1971

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Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
VPG
Oct 7 2013, 07:21 PM
Ax you really are being offensive. don't you see that?
No. Explain why you think that.
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brenda
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..............
Ax, I sent my daughter a birthday present and box of cookies, I missed her for a while on the morning of her birthday, and hubby and I took cake to her group while they were in our state. From that, you decided I am unable to "let go", using your terms, and that you find that to be terrible parenting. Because I even talk about my daughter, you have made wild assumptions as to my relationship with her, all of which is not your right to judge anyway, since you share little or nothing of your family life here. I share about my life and then you choose to use it and twist it in some ugly way to abuse me.

Your cultural ignorance is stunning, appalling, and offensive. I have done the things that basically any US mother of a new college student who is 1900 miles away would do. Yet you have decided to make negative assumptions about me on a public forum and attack me in a very personal way, while claiming innocence for yourself.

This is not your first time of targeting me with false negative assumptions. We've been down this path before. This appears to be a pattern with you.

Why do you do this horrible thing? You've been given comments from others indicating how inappropriate your behavior is, yet you persist and make even further egregious posts that are even worse than before.

I cannot believe your behavior in this thread.

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Friday
Senior Carp
"Letting go" were the words you used.

I was just trying to point out that (no matter how old or far away the kid is) parents will do things for their children. They do it until they can't anymore. In my mind, it's not a matter of "letting go"; it's telling the kid that they are loved.

I guess you don't understand that.

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brenda
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..............
Friday
Oct 7 2013, 08:35 PM
"Letting go" were the words you used.

I was just trying to point out that (no matter how old or far away the kid is) parents will do things for their children. They do it until they can't anymore. In my mind, it's not a matter of "letting go"; it's telling the kid that they are loved.

I guess you don't understand that.

+1
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
brenda
Oct 7 2013, 08:32 PM
Ax, I sent my daughter a birthday present and box of cookies, I missed her for a while on the morning of her birthday, and hubby and I took cake to her group while they were in our state. From that, you decided I am unable to "let go", using your terms, and that you find that to be terrible parenting. Because I even talk about my daughter, you have made wild assumptions as to my relationship with her, all of which is not your right to judge anyway, since you share little or nothing of your family life here. I share about my life and then you choose to use it and twist it in some ugly way to abuse me.

Your cultural ignorance is stunning, appalling, and offensive. I have done the things that basically any US mother of a new college student who is 1900 miles away would do. Yet you have decided to make negative assumptions about me on a public forum and attack me in a very personal way, while claiming innocence for yourself.

This is not your first time of targeting me with false negative assumptions. We've been down this path before. This appears to be a pattern with you.

Why do you do this horrible thing? You've been given comments from others indicating how inappropriate your behavior is, yet you persist and make even further egregious posts that are even worse than before.

I cannot believe your behavior in this thread.

1. I have yet to assign a "negative" or "positive" value judgment to "letting go." I have yet to articulate whether "letting go" is good or bad parenting. So far, you have done such assignments all on your own. (Which is fine by me, actually.)

2. I dispute your claim that what you have done is what "any US mother of a new college student who is 1900 miles away would do." Recalling all the US families I have observed who have sent children more than, say, three states away for college, you have done more for your daughter than all such families that I have observed (well, except one family where the mother literally came into the dorm and washed her son's underwear in the sink that the son has to share with his suite mates -- that one incident notwithstanding, I quite like that mother and that family and think they generally did a great job raising their kids). Now notice that I only say that you have "done more" for your collge-bound child than other parents in comparable circumstances. Whether you want to take that as a compliment or a denigration is up to you.

3. Assumptions -- I have made none in this thread. If you believe that is not the case, quote from my posts here whatever it is that you believe is an assumption and we'll see what's what.

4. I have not done anything "horrible" here at all. You attach value judgements to my words where I have made none (see point #1 above). Detach all that value judgments you yourself attached to my words and you'll see that there is nothing "horrible" at all in what I wrote.
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