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| We need a joke thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 22 2012, 01:28 AM (952 Views) | |
| jon-nyc | Jul 22 2012, 01:28 AM Post #1 |
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Cheers
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A 92-year-old man and his 90-year-old wife go to their lawyer's office. The lawyer is astounded when they tell him they want to get a divorce. "But you've been married for 70 years! What in the world could make you want a divorce at this stage in your lives?" "Well," says the wife, "we've been thinking about this for years, but wanted to wait until the children were dead." A guy calls his doctor and says, "Doc, I broke my arm in two places! What should I do?" The doctor replies, "don't go back to either of those places." "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." |
| In my defense, I was left unsupervised. | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jul 22 2012, 04:30 AM Post #2 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don”t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.” And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added. “What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!” The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went. As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| apple | Jul 22 2012, 04:39 AM Post #3 |
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one of the angels
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i don't get that joke at all Mik. |
| it behooves me to behold | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jul 22 2012, 04:51 AM Post #4 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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So one guy says to another guy, “Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day…” Right away, his friend interrupts him, “Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!” So he starts again, “Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew’s Bar Mitzvah…” |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Axtremus | Jul 22 2012, 04:56 AM Post #5 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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The gambler was planting the idea, in the minds of the other taxi drivers, that the driver who eventually gets to take the gambler to the airport agreed to also give him a blow job. |
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| PattyP | Jul 22 2012, 04:57 AM Post #6 |
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Senior Carp
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A tired dog is a good dog. "Dogs' lives are too short...their only fault, really." A.S. Turnbull | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jul 22 2012, 04:59 AM Post #7 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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The Rabbit A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, ‘Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!’ The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, ‘Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!’ The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to take some pills. ‘Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!’ The lion looks at him, puts down his pills, and eats the little rabbit in one bite. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror. ‘Lion,’ they reprimand, ‘why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!’ The lion answers, ‘That little f**ker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!’ |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jul 22 2012, 05:03 AM Post #8 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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So, here’s the story. . . Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor…….. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!’ |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jul 22 2012, 05:08 AM Post #9 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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My welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go…… he passed away in his sheep. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| George K | Jul 22 2012, 05:10 AM Post #10 |
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Finally
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Bob: So Ray, I heard you and Hugh have got a new job at the burger shack... Ray: Yeah...*sigh* Bob: Why the long face? I thought you wanted that job?! Ray: I did, but I don't like the way our pay is set up. Bob: What's wrong with it? Ray: Well, Hugh and I are paid piecemeal rate. Which is to say, that we're paid for every burger that we sell. It's not very fair though. Regardless of how many either one of us sells, at the end of the day our boss adds up the total and divides it even amongst the two. Bob: Well what's so wrong with that? Ray: Well, since I do believe in honest and hard work, my count is usually pretty high. Hugh, however, is such a slacker! He takes smoke breaks all the time and doesn't try nearly as hard to increase his count! So it kinda ticks me off that most of my hard work is paying for him to slack off! Bob: That's not fair at all! You should say something to your boss! Ray: I dunno...I'm half tempted to just let it slide...I don't really want to confront Hugh about it, we're such good friends. Bob: Ask not what your count, Ray, can do for Hugh. Ask what Hugh can do for your count, Ray. |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| George K | Jul 22 2012, 05:12 AM Post #11 |
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Finally
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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Horace | Jul 22 2012, 07:17 AM Post #12 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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The greatest benefit of having invented the wheel, is that it paved the way to the invention of the cheese wheel. |
| As a good person, I implore you to do as I, a good person, do. Be good. Do NOT be bad. If you see bad, end bad. End it in yourself, and end it in others. By any means necessary, the good must conquer the bad. Good people know this. Do you know this? Are you good? | |
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| Horace | Jul 22 2012, 07:19 AM Post #13 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Gas powered chainsaws use WAY too much petroleum. We *must* go green and find more energy efficient ways to clear-cut rain forests!! |
| As a good person, I implore you to do as I, a good person, do. Be good. Do NOT be bad. If you see bad, end bad. End it in yourself, and end it in others. By any means necessary, the good must conquer the bad. Good people know this. Do you know this? Are you good? | |
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| Amanda | Jul 22 2012, 07:26 AM Post #14 |
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Senior Carp
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More, more!! (love the one about the divorcing couple in their 90s - and the rest too! )
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[size=5] We should tolerate eccentricity in others, almost to the point of lunacy, provided no one else is harmed.[/size] "Daily Telegraph", London July 27 2005 | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:25 AM Post #15 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Claude got married, but the next morning he came back home and told his family he had left her. His daddy asked him why he did that, and Claude said "Dad, she wuz a virgin!" Claude's daddy said "Well heck I don't blame you then - if she ain't good enough fer her own family, she shore ain't good enough fer our'n." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:28 AM Post #16 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Two Iranian spies meet in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whisper's 'Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.' |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:29 AM Post #17 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.' The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.' The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.' Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?' With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:44 AM Post #18 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Amanda | Jul 22 2012, 09:45 AM Post #19 |
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Senior Carp
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[size=5] We should tolerate eccentricity in others, almost to the point of lunacy, provided no one else is harmed.[/size] "Daily Telegraph", London July 27 2005 | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:46 AM Post #20 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Amanda | Jul 22 2012, 09:46 AM Post #21 |
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Senior Carp
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Likewise "Hind-lick maneuver"! (What? No lol emoticon!)
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[size=5] We should tolerate eccentricity in others, almost to the point of lunacy, provided no one else is harmed.[/size] "Daily Telegraph", London July 27 2005 | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:52 AM Post #22 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said: "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg" |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:54 AM Post #23 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 09:55 AM Post #24 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Jul 22 2012, 05:52 PM Post #25 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Moon river...
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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More, more!! (love the one about the divorcing couple in their 90s - and the rest too! )

(What? No lol emoticon!)

12:40 AM Jul 11