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Jokes
Topic Started: Sep 6 2011, 04:20 AM (577 Views)
Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the manager's office, "Tree's cut. Do I get the job?"

"I don't believe it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it. Where did you learn to use an axe like that?" the manager inquired.

"Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.

"Sure, that's what they call it now."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. How much was his profit?

4. Math In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Math In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.

6. Math In 2011
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to various groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $200 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is taken and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $200. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further $200. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tons of trash and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the trash immediately is an offense. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus tax for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Have you heard about the latest new drug?

When administered to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent.

The FDA refuses to approve it, though. They fear it will be habit forming.
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls, too... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I robbed a psychic the other day...
Man, was she surprised.....


Had sex with her later..
but she knew she had it coming..

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Good news for liberals!!!!!

Now you can get off that short bus and get places faster. You have a train!

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Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
Good to see you are loving that higher DSL speed... :lol:
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
So... just how fast IS your connection?

http://www.speedtest.net/

Posted Image
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
It SUCKS.

I don't know what's wrong, but I made the jump from a download speed of 2.7 kb per second to whopping .28mb per second......

My browser hangs up sometimes, I get messages that says "a script is taking too long to run, do you want to stop this script" a lot, the little hour glass will suddenly start spinning and the browser turns white, and sometimes I have to restart the computer just to get rid of it.

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
Still using Internet Explorer? Or did you switch?

Try Firefox

IE will still be there if you don't like Firefox. Some folks are using Chrome and like it.
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION BEGINS this week

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAX .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat. Step by Step instructions complete with Slide Presentation. Meets for 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Edited by Larry, Sep 6 2011, 05:37 AM.
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Improviso
Sep 6 2011, 05:18 AM
Still using Internet Explorer? Or did you switch?

Try Firefox

IE will still be there if you don't like Firefox. Some folks are using Chrome and like it.
Nope, I've used Firefox for several years now. In fact, right now I'm running their latest Beta version.

Tried Chrome, seemed faster for a while, but it quickly got to the point that it wouldn't run worth a dime so I went back to Firefox.

Maybe I just need to replace my computer.

It has 2.7 gig Celeron processor, 256MB ram, 80 gig hard drive, something called "Intel Extreme" whatever that is, a CD-RW drive, a DVD-ROM drive, and is running Windows XP Home Edition.

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
Larry
Sep 6 2011, 05:31 AM
It has 2.7 gig Celeron processor, 256MB ram, 80 gig hard drive, something called "Intel Extreme" whatever that is, a CD-RW drive, a DVD-ROM drive, and is running Windows XP Home Edition.

That should be fine for browsing. Maybe it's the 256MB of ram that's causing problems. Might see if you could bump that up. It certainly would be cheaper than a new computer.
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
True. But the computer is about ten years old, and I'm sure it's got all sorts of registry problems and stuff that I can't find.

I run a software program that has a firewall, checks for and cleans spyware and viruses, and runs a whole slew of tuneups, but i'm not convinced it's doing that great of a job keeping things running smoothly.

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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LWpianistin
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HOLY CARP!!!
Larry
Sep 6 2011, 04:34 AM
Have you heard about the latest new drug?

When administered to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent.

The FDA refuses to approve it, though. They fear it will be habit forming.
:lol2:
And how are you today?
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The 89th Key
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Larry
Sep 6 2011, 05:40 AM
True. But the computer is about ten years old, and I'm sure it's got all sorts of registry problems and stuff that I can't find.

I run a software program that has a firewall, checks for and cleans spyware and viruses, and runs a whole slew of tuneups, but i'm not convinced it's doing that great of a job keeping things running smoothly.

Why not just get a new computer? They are cheap and much faster now. (That's what she said)
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The Silver Tongued Devil
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Junior Carp
So today at lunch I felt this huge massive fart building, and I could just tell that I'd better be sitting down with my pants off when I let that thing fly.

On my way into the stall I noticed a Marine recruiter using the urinal right beside the stall, so I decided to have a little fun with the sergeant.....

I sat down on the toilet, but held it in, letting the pressure build. I yelled "We've got hostile enemy artillery 500 yards North! They're preparing to fire on our position!!" and then I let out a long, slow, descending whistle to mimic the sound of incoming artillery shells, you know.. Right at the end of the whistle I let 'er rip - man, it shook the stall.. a few little pellets came out and made a sound sort of like what bullets sound like when they hit water..

I yelled "I've been hit!" and fired off the last few pockets of gas, which fortunately for my purpose sounded almost like popcorn popping... so I yelled "The ammo bunker just blew!!!!"

I could hear the sergeant almost choking on his own spit he was laughing so hard as he left the room.....

Never play poker with a man named Ace.
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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
:lol:

Quote:
 
"Here's something to remember when you're older Thomas - never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart."
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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Steve Miller
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Bull-Carp
Larry
Sep 6 2011, 05:40 AM
True. But the computer is about ten years old, and I'm sure it's got all sorts of registry problems and stuff that I can't find.

I run a software program that has a firewall, checks for and cleans spyware and viruses, and runs a whole slew of tuneups, but i'm not convinced it's doing that great of a job keeping things running smoothly.

There's an add on for Firefox called "No Script" that works perfectly. Might help your script propblem.

The other add on that works perfectly is called "Ad bock plus". You will never see another online ad and everything runs a while lot faster.
Wag more
Bark less
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Larry
Sep 6 2011, 05:13 AM
It SUCKS.

I don't know what's wrong, but I made the jump from a download speed of 2.7 kb per second to whopping .28mb per second......

My browser hangs up sometimes, I get messages that says "a script is taking too long to run, do you want to stop this script" a lot, the little hour glass will suddenly start spinning and the browser turns white, and sometimes I have to restart the computer just to get rid of it.

It's just embarrassed by all these jokes. :lol2:
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A trucker walks into a whorehouse and lays down $200 in front of the madam.

He says, "ma'am give me your ugliest girl and a bologna sammich!"

The madam looks at the money and says, "for that sir, you can have one of my finest and surf & turf..."

He says, "lady i ain't horny, i'm homesick..."

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Improviso
Sep 6 2011, 08:22 AM
:lol:

Quote:
 
"Here's something to remember when you're older Thomas - never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart."
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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