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more geek jokes
Topic Started: May 30 2011, 01:12 PM (262 Views)
Mikhailoh
Member Avatar
If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
a LOT more! (Some favorites in bold)


•There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
•If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
•I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
•My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
•Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
•In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
•I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

•Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
•A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
•Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
•A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
•The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
•UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
•C://dos
C://dos.run
run.dos.run
•You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
•JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
•1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
•Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
•How do I set a laser printer to stun?
•There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
•Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
•It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
•Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
•The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
•Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
•The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
•If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
•COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
•Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
•LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
•The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
•Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
•Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
•boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
•We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
•Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
•If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
•Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
•Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
•Unrecognized input, get out of the class
•Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
•WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER
•Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
•Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
•Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
•Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:\> hack into fbi"
•BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
•I survived an NT installation
•The name is Baud......James Baud
•My new car runs at 56Kbps
•Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
•File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
•Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
•CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
•Does fuzzy logic tickle?
•Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
•Windows: Just another pane in the glass
•Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
•RAM disk is not an installation procedure
•Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
•The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
•Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
•E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage
•Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
•All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
•Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
•Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
•Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
•Press every key to continue
•Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
•Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
•Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
•To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
•(001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
•Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
•(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
•Computers can never replace human stupidity
•A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
•(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
•Bugs come in through open Windows
•Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
•Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
•Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
•Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
•To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
•Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
•FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
•I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore
•Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
•Black holes are where God divided by zero
•Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
•Thank god, my baby just compiled
•Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
•Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
•Zap! And there was the blue screen !
•Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
•MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
•A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
•PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
•1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
•1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
•Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
•If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
•A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
•"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
•Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
•Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
•Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
•Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
•Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
•Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
•Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
•All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
•You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
•Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
•Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
•Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
•Shut up, or i'll flush you out
•Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
•We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal
•You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
•I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
•Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
•Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
•If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question
•Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not
•My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
•You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
•Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
•I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
•Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
•What color do you want that database?
•C++ is a write-only language. I can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
•As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
•earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can
•A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
•When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop
•Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
•Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
•NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
•Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
•NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
•JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
•How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
•Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
•root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
•New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
•Quake and uptime do not like each other
•Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
•As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria -- Final Fantasy VIII
•Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
•Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
•Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
•How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
•God is real, unless declared integer
•I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
•Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
•It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
•Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
•If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
•Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
•Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
•Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
•I had a dream... and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
•You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
•C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Quote:
 
•Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny



:lol2:
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Klaus
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HOLY CARP!!!
EPIGRAMS IN PROGRAMMING

1. One man's constant is another man's variable.

2. Functions delay binding; data structures induce binding. Moral: Structure data late in the programming process.

3. Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.

4. Every program is a part of some other program and rarely fits.

5. If a program manipulates a large amount of data, it does so in a small number of ways.

6. Symmetry is a complexity-reducing concept (co-routines include subroutines); seek it everywhere.

7. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

8. A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.

9. It is better to have 100 functions operate on one data structure than 10 functions on 10 data structures.

10. Get into a rut early: Do the same process the same way. Accumulate idioms. Standardize. The only difference(!) between Shakespeare and you was the size of his idiom list - not the size of his vocabulary.

11. If you have a procedure with ten parameters, you probably missed some.

12. Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.

13. If two people write exactly the same program, each should be put into microcode and then they certainly won't be the same.

14. In the long run every program becomes rococo - then rubble.

15. Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.

16. Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written, and another for which it wasn't.

17. If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.

18. A program without a loop and a structured variable isn't worth writing.

19. A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming, is not worth knowing.

20. Wherever there is modularity there is the potential for misunderstanding: Hiding information implies a need to check communication.

21. Optimization hinders evolution.

22. A good system can't have a weak command language.

23. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.

24. Perhaps if we wrote programs from childhood on, as adults we'd be able to read them.

25. One can only display complex information in the mind. Like seeing, movement or flow or alteration of view is more important than the static picture, no matter how lovely.

26. There will always be things we wish to say in our programs that in all known languages can only be said poorly.

27. Once you understand how to write a program get someone else to write it.

28. Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?

29. For systems, the analogue of a face-lift is to add to the control graph an edge that creates a cycle, not just an additional node.

30. In programming, everything we do is a special case of something more general -- and often we know it too quickly.

31. Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.

32. Programmers are not to be measured by their ingenuity and their logic but by the completeness of their case analysis.

33. The eleventh commandment was "Thou Shalt Compute" or "Thou Shalt Not Compute" - I forget which.

34. The string is a stark data structure and everywhere it is passed there is much duplication of process. It is a perfect vehicle for hiding information.

35. Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught not to. So it is with great programmers.

36. The use of a program to prove the 4-color theorem will not change mathematics - it merely demonstrates that the theorem, a challenge for a century, is probably not important to mathematics.

37. The most important computer is the one that rages in our skulls and ever seeks that satisfactory external emulator. The standarization of real computers would be a disaster - and so it probably won't happen.

38. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.

39. Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words - but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.

40. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

41. Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.

42. You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.

43. In software systems, it is often the early bird that makes the worm.

44.Sometimes I think the only universal in the computing field is the fetch-execute cycle.

45. The goal of computation is the emulation of our synthetic abilities, not the understanding of our analytic ones.

46. Like punning, programming is a play on words.

47. As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free variable."

48. The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.

49. Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.

50. When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- except our fingertips will have been singed.

51. Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.

52. Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub- systems and so on ad infinitum - which is why we're always starting over.

53. So many good ideas are never heard from again once they embark in a voyage on the semantic gulf.

54. Beware of the Turing tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.

55. A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.

56. Software is under a constant tension. Being symbolic it is arbitrarily perfectible; but also it is arbitrarily changeable.

57. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

58. Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid it. Geniuses remove it.

59. In English every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages.

60. In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.

61. In programming, as in everything else, to be in error is to be reborn.

62. In computing, invariants are ephemeral.

63. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out that we do and they don't.

64. Often it is the means that justify the ends: Goals advance technique and technique survives even when goal structures crumble.

65. Make no mistake about it: Computers process numbers - not symbols. We measure our understanding (and control) by the extent to which we can arithmetize an activity.

66. Making something variable is easy. Controlling duration of constancy is the trick.

67. Think of all the psychic energy expended in seeking a fundamental distinction between "algorithm" and "program".

68. If we believe in data structures, we must believe in independent (hence simultaneous) processing. For why else would we collect items within a structure? Why do we tolerate languages that give us the one without the other?

69. In a 5 year period we get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the 5 year period will be.

70. Over the centuries the Indians developed sign language for communicating phenomena of interest. Programmers from different tribes (FORTRAN, LISP, ALGOL, SNOBOL, etc.) could use one that doesn't require them to carry a blackboard on their ponies.

71. Documentation is like term insurance: It satisfies because almost no one who subscribes to it depends on its benefits.

72. An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.

73. It is not a language's weakness but its strengths that control the gradient of its change: Alas, a language never escapes its embryonic sac.

74. Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to see it as a soap bubble?

75. Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

76. It is the user who should parameterize procedures, not their creators.

77. The cybernetic exchange between man, computer and algorithm is like a game of musical chairs: The frantic search for balance always leaves one of the three standing ill at ease.

78. If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan.

79. A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.

80. Prolonged contact with the computer turns mathematicians into clerks and vice versa.

81. In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of the word "frustration".

82. We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.

83. What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton hotel on its peak.

84. Motto for a research laboratory: What we work on today, others will first think of tomorrow.

85. Though the Chinese should adore APL, it's FORTRAN they put their money on.

86. We kid ourselves if we think that the ratio of procedure to data in an active data-base system can be made arbitrarily small or even kept small.

87. We have the mini and the micro computer. In what semantic niche would the pico computer fall?

88. It is not the computer's fault that Maxwell's equations are not adequate to design the electric motor.

89. One does not learn computing by using a hand calculator, but one can forget arithmetic.

90. Computation has made the tree flower.

91. The computer reminds one of Lon Chaney -- it is the machine of a thousand faces.

92. The computer is the ultimate polluter: its feces are indistinguish- able from the food it produces.

93. When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.

94. Interfaces keep things tidy, but don't accelerate growth: Functions do.

95. Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.

96. Computers don't introduce order anywhere as much as they expose opportunities.

97. When a professor insists computer science is X but not Y, have compassion for his graduate students.

98. In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.

99. In man-machine symbiosis, it is man who must adjust: The machines can't.

100. We will never run out of things to program as long as there is a single program around.

101. Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.

102. One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.

103. Purely applicative languages are poorly applicable.

104. The proof of a system's value is its existence.

105. You can't communicate complexity, only an awareness of it.

106. It's difficult to extract sense from strings, but they're the only communication coin we can count on.

107. The debate rages on: is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?

108. Whenever two programmers meet to criticize their programs, both are silent.

109. Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACS in 1 sq. cm.

110. Editing is a rewording activity.

111. Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is Latin for office automation?

112. Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.

113. The only constructive theory connecting neuroscience and psychology will arise from the study of software.

114. Within a computer natural language is unnatural.

115. Most people find the concept of programming obvious, but the doing impossible.

116. You think you know when you can learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program.

117. It goes against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail and learning to be self-critical?

118. If you can imagine a society in which the computer- robot is the only menial, you can imagine anything.

119. Programming is an unnatural act.

120. Adapting old programs to fit new machines usually means adapting new machines to behave like old ones.

From ACM's SIGPLAN publication, (September, 1982), Article "Epigrams in Programming", by Alan J. Perlis of Yale University.
Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman
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