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| Need to Get it Out!!!!! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 7 2011, 08:28 PM (2,456 Views) | |
| KlavierBauer | Jan 10 2011, 07:57 PM Post #101 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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jgoo: I'd PM jack (or get in touch with him via email, or via WTF) and ask if legal separation HAS to be done with a lawyer, or if it's a matter of getting the forms, and each of you signing them. If the forms "hold up," there are definitely less expensive options for a legal separation, especially if you think it will be largely agreed upon by K. Sorry again that you're going through this. |
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"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper "He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple | |
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| jodi | Jan 10 2011, 08:09 PM Post #102 |
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Fulla-Carp
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Nothing to add, you're getting good advice. Just a hug for you jgoo - I'm so sorry.
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Jodimy artlog ~ todayatmydesk.weebly.com | |
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| PattyP | Jan 11 2011, 05:43 AM Post #103 |
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Senior Carp
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Jgoo, I don't have much to add except DO NOT MOVE OUT until you have a lawyer and he says it's okay to go. And, as you've already been advised, no other women, at this point in time. I'm truly sorry that you and your wife are going through this. Divorce is never easy, even if it's amicable. My ex and I were pretty civil during our divorce but it was still gut-wrenching at best. And we had no children. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it was also the best thing I've ever done for myself. You will have to walk through fire for a time. But, hang in there; you will be okay. Focus on your son and yourself. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Stress will wear you down faster than anything on the planet. And, finally, if you can swing it financially, I would highly advise counseling for yourself as you move through this.
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A tired dog is a good dog. "Dogs' lives are too short...their only fault, really." A.S. Turnbull | |
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| jgoo | Jan 12 2011, 11:06 PM Post #104 |
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Administrator
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So last night when I got home from work, it was to find K sitting alone in bed, sobbing her eyes out. Complete meltdown. She had written me a three page long letter explaining her feelings. And about what she's been going through and feeling concerning the other woman she's been seeing. The letter also explained more fully than she ever had before how unhappy she used to be before this other woman. It said she felt she needed to do something to make herself feel better. It was my turn to be unhappy, although that wasn't her intention. It also said she doesn't love the other woman, she loves me, and she's scared to death that I'll leave and never want to come back to her. I saw her sob harder than I've ever seen her do, even the night her dad died. We talked after I read the letter. I told her that I would be lying if I said I was completely happy even before the other woman came into the picture. I told her that I still believed we needed to go through with the separation. I said we need to live apart, to live separate lives, to see other people guilt free. She said she understands that, especially since she's been "doing her own thing" for a while now, but that she still doesn't want me gone forever. I told her that our relationship was unhealthy, and that it has been for a very long time, and that should we try again that I would ONLY do it if counseling was involved. She said it was fine, she didn't care, just don't leave her forever. I asked her if she realized what she stood to lose. She could barely even get the word "yes" out for sobbing so hard. I told her then now you know how I felt. She said she doesn't love me any less than she ever has. She asked me to tell her honestly if I felt the same way about her. So I did. I said somedays yes, I feel like I love her as much as ever, and other days no, that I don't feel like I love her the same anymore. Then she started to cry ever harder! She said it didn't seem fair. The more we talked the more we realized that our original unhappiness was due to our own negative feedback loop. We were both under stress and we each dealt with it in different ways. I became distant, and she got mean. The meaner she got, the more distant I became, and the more distant I became, the meaner she got. I had tried telling her in the past that we needed to spend more time together. Every time we just had a night of "us time" we always got along so great together, but she didn't seem back then to think that having more date nights would help. It ended up where I was consoling her by holding and rubbing as she cry (as she had done for me a few times when all this with the other woman first started). I stated again, just to make sure she knew, that we needed to separate, and that I wasn't coming back to her unless counseling was involved, and even then I didn't know how long that was going to be. She said that she'll be waiting for me no matter how long it takes. She said she was happy we had that talk, which she's said again today. She also cried again today thinking about it all too. Now I'm somewhat confused, but I still do want to go ahead with separating and living our lives independently from each other. At least she finally showed some real grief about the whole thing. And as I've already said here, and I've told her numerous times, I will always lover her no matter what happens, but it is a HUGE question mark to whether we'll ever be together again someday. Sometimes I think yes, but more often than not I just think that we are too incompatible and that our relationship has run its course, and it's time to move on completely. (Also of note, night before last she attempted, for the first time in many many weeks, to show me some affection, but I kept turning it away. That eventually got to her too, but NOTHING like last night). |
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| Mikhailoh | Jan 13 2011, 03:16 AM Post #105 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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You're in for a bumpy ride, my friend. Hang in there. In a mature person all these feelings should have been considered before she started seeing someone else openly. Especially when a child is involved. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Improviso | Jan 13 2011, 06:03 AM Post #106 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Ditto... be very careful in the *affection* department. The last thing you need right now is a *let's save our marriage* baby.
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Aqua Letifer | Jan 13 2011, 06:47 AM Post #107 |
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ZOOOOOM!
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+1. You got a really hard task ahead of you, man, but you're doing the right thing. Stay the course and hang in there. |
| I cite irreconcilable differences. | |
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| RosemaryTwo | Jan 13 2011, 07:19 AM Post #108 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Find motivation and inspiration where you can, jgoo. |
| "Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua | |
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| Red Rice | Jan 13 2011, 08:01 AM Post #109 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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+1 It always comes down to character. |
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Civilisation, I vaguely realized then - and subsequent observation has confirmed the view - could not progress that way. It must have a greater guiding principle to survive. To treat it as a carcase off which each man tears as much as he can for himself, is to stand convicted a brute, fit for nothing better than a jungle existence, which is a death-struggle, leading nowhither. I did not believe that was the human destiny, for Man individually was sane and reasonable, only collectively a fool. I hope the gunner of that Hun two-seater shot him clean, bullet to heart, and that his plane, on fire, fell like a meteor through the sky he loved. Since he had to end, I hope he ended so. But, oh, the waste! The loss! - Cecil Lewis | |
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| The 89th Key | Jan 13 2011, 08:02 AM Post #110 |
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Hang in there man. Keep the communication lines open, healthy, and as positive as possible. If counseling is the route, try it. If separation is inevitable, at least those communication lines will be open which will lead to less headaches in the future. |
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| brenda | Jan 13 2011, 08:04 AM Post #111 |
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..............
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Has she dumped the other woman? Has she actually gone to counseling with you yet? Will she commit to a long stretch of counseling and the changes she needs to make? Has she done anything else to correct her behavior and treat you with respect? Has she shown any signs of willingness to honor her marriage commitment? I did not see any of that in your post. There were tears aplenty from her. There were words without any backing of commitment from her. There was sadness for herself, but not for you. Be careful here, jgoo. She is not capable of thinking rationally given the narrative in your post. She still wants to have her cake, and eat it, too, etc., while you are just supposed to put up with her behavior. I hate to hurt your feelings, but she sounds selfish and immature. Sorry if that hurts you to hear that. No more babies for a very long time, as in YEARS. She is definitely not ready for that, and you don't need the extra issues either. |
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“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” ~A.A. Milne | |
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| Aqua Letifer | Jan 13 2011, 08:17 AM Post #112 |
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ZOOOOOM!
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THIS. |
| I cite irreconcilable differences. | |
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| Larry | Jan 13 2011, 08:21 AM Post #113 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Listen to Brenda. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| apple | Jan 13 2011, 08:56 AM Post #114 |
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one of the angels
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yeah |
| it behooves me to behold | |
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| George K | Jan 13 2011, 08:58 AM Post #115 |
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Finally
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Yep to what apple, Brenda and Improv have said. |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| ivorythumper | Jan 13 2011, 11:26 AM Post #116 |
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
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My concern is that she will use sex, and possibly another pregnancy, to try to hold on. You have got to set boundaries here or you will be in a whole lot worse shape. (and this might be the most difficult part of the separation since the tendency is toward intimacy, but not necessarily for the right reasons). |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jan 13 2011, 11:30 AM Post #117 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Or, as Claude might say 'If you don't wrap it, don't tap it!'. Better yet just don't take the chance at all. The possible consequences and complications are far too great. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| KlavierBauer | Jan 13 2011, 11:32 AM Post #118 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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What IT and others have said. I'd add, that the focus of separation shouldn't be freedom to see others, it should be time to get yourselves in shape before even attempting to move forward together. The separation isn't a punishment, but a way for *each* of you to address underlying issues that are preventing a healthy relationship, and decide if those can be addressed or not. Counseling shouldn't be a part of coming back together, but a part of right now - deciding if there's something there to salvage. A good counselor (trust me on this), will know this, and will work with you alone, *and* together, as needed, to figure out what's sitting beneath all of this dysfunction. Good counselors are expensive, but don't let this be a reason not to do it. You'll be amazed how many folks will come together (again, trust me on this) to help you, if there's a chance at making something that's sick, healthier. Get a recommendation from someone you trust, call them, schedule an appointment, and go. |
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"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper "He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple | |
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| Larry | Jan 13 2011, 12:04 PM Post #119 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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In any relationship, one is always a little more "involved in it" than the other. This switches frequently, sometimes in the same day. The natural tendency is that when one "pulls", the other "pushes". In other words, when you try to pull her to you, she pushes away - when you pushed her away, she started pulling toward you. When you feel her pulling away, your natural reaction is to move toward her - to "beg, plead, pull, etc. - and that just causes her to move further away. It will be hard, but (and you'll learn a lot about relationships in the process) you need to stay on the offense here so to speak - you need to continue to pull away from her, at least as far as the signals you are giving her. Start caving in and she will perceive you as "needy", and it will repel her. You moved away from her emotionally, and it produced a positive response from her. She's still too immature and selfish to understand that, or to be a good partner. But with some counseling and you continuing to set the pace the way you are by taking control and backing away, you may both benefit. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| kenny | Jan 13 2011, 02:39 PM Post #120 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Very wise post, Lar. |
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| sue | Jan 13 2011, 02:42 PM Post #121 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Indeed. You'd almost think our Lar had been around the block a few times. |
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| Improviso | Jan 13 2011, 03:07 PM Post #122 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Rode hard, put up wet and he loved every damn minute of it.
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Claude Ball | Jan 13 2011, 05:05 PM Post #123 |
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Middle Aged Carp
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That's why he's muh hero.. |
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Dain bramage caused my peach imspediment. Tooth? Tooth? You can't handle the tooth! Remember: He who laughs last, thinks slowest..... DON'T BEND OVER IN THE GARDEN, MARGARET - THEM TATER'S GOT EYES! | |
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| Claude Ball | Jan 13 2011, 05:07 PM Post #124 |
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Middle Aged Carp
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Don't tap whut? |
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Dain bramage caused my peach imspediment. Tooth? Tooth? You can't handle the tooth! Remember: He who laughs last, thinks slowest..... DON'T BEND OVER IN THE GARDEN, MARGARET - THEM TATER'S GOT EYES! | |
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| Larry | Jan 13 2011, 05:12 PM Post #125 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Yes I did!!!!!!!! ![]() Oh, and thank you, Kenny and Sue.. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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11:19 AM Jul 11