| Welcome to The New Coffee Room. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| Need to Get it Out!!!!! | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 7 2011, 08:28 PM (2,457 Views) | |
| sue | Jan 8 2011, 04:31 PM Post #76 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
that's a keeper
|
![]() |
|
| KlavierBauer | Jan 8 2011, 04:43 PM Post #77 |
![]()
HOLY CARP!!!
|
![]() I'll pretend like that was intentional, and insanely clever, rather than a typo, and it'll be our little secret. kthnxbai |
|
"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper "He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple | |
![]() |
|
| John D'Oh | Jan 8 2011, 04:45 PM Post #78 |
|
MAMIL
|
Jgoo - if you ignore everything else, listen to this - admittedly a really hard message to hear. I hate to admit it, but IT's saying something pretty profound here. |
| What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket? | |
![]() |
|
| PhJ | Jan 8 2011, 04:47 PM Post #79 |
|
Senior Carp
|
+1 sorry to hear about it all, btw
|
![]() |
|
| jgoo | Jan 9 2011, 12:04 AM Post #80 |
|
Administrator
|
About the no affection thing, while its true that I don't remember the last time we had sex, its also true that I don't remember the last time we shared a real kiss. I don't remember the last time she truely cuddled up to me in bed. I don't remember the last real hug. I'm tired of waiting and I don't know why I've waited so long at all! I feel really good right now having told her I want the separation. She said she thought I'd never leave her. Too late now. I never want a relationship like this one again. I still believe that she won't do anything drastic regaurding Riley or with money. We don't have a shared credit card but we do have a joint savings/checking account that are in pretty poor shape as it is. Money has been so tight lately that we've cut services and still struggle to pay the rent every month. However I will take all advice into consideration and I will look into a lawyer. I will also look into counseling. Been wanting to do that for a while anyway. I've known for a long time that our relationship wasn't healthy. I've told that to her numerous times. Still I loved her enough to stay. No more no more no more! I will always love K, but as I said, unless something spectaular and miraculous happens, I think I'm out for the count on this one. |
![]() |
|
| kenny | Jan 9 2011, 12:12 AM Post #81 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Big hug to you jgoo. |
![]() |
|
| Mikhailoh | Jan 9 2011, 03:39 AM Post #82 |
|
If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
|
From me too. Stay strong. |
|
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
![]() |
|
| Radu | Jan 9 2011, 04:45 AM Post #83 |
![]()
Senior Carp
|
It hurts, it hurts a lot, but you have to listen to the old injun for he knows best ! |
![]() ------------------------------------------------------------ "Whenever I hear of culture... I release the safety-catch of my Browning!" The modern media has made cretins out of so many people that they're not interested in reality any more, unless it's reality TV (Jean D'eaux) | |
![]() |
|
| Axtremus | Jan 9 2011, 07:10 AM Post #84 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
You lot giving "advice," you know only one side of the story, and an incomplete side at that. Your "experiences," while informative, are also bitter and clouding your judgement. Recalling that episode where justme came talk about how her son N was seeing another woman that seem to be pulling him away from his family and you all raced to condemn that woman and giving all sorts of "advice"? Well *F* you all, justme later came back with an update that showed that the woman was actually a very good person who urged N to improve his relationship with his family -- no thanks to the lot of you. You will all do well to remember that. Now, jgoo, this is not about winning or losing, until you figure out what you really want, keeping all your "stuff" is not necessarily "winning," keeping custody is not necessarily "winning." All the advice on how to build defenses against K means little for none here really knows K, not her aspirations, not her thought processes, not as a person. K is also the wrong focus. It should be about you. You already have some idea of what kind of person you are not. See if you can figure out what kind of man you want to be. What you should do follows from who you want to be. Good luck. |
![]() |
|
| kenny | Jan 9 2011, 08:32 AM Post #85 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Ax, you open a fascinating can of worms. Winning - yes many people are more competitive than others. Competitive sports is popular throughout the world, and rooted I think in ancient evolutionary instincts of tribes and individuals competing for food territory and mates. Who's DNA will continue? Who's DNA will end? A zillion years of selecting for this does not vanish because we're all nice well mannered people now. I'd guess the vast majority of the worlds population embrace competitiveness. Most of us are naturally, Me First. It even affects people's politics - "Screw the people who have less than I. Lower my taxes!" They even named a truck just for them so people would get out of their way, the Dodge RAM. (Have you noticed how those people drive. )Marriage/love is a unique relationship. It is a partnership of two Me-Firsters. (even if they are recycling vegan pacifists with Birkenstocks.) To some degree the individuals vanish into a pair. They share a home and cooperate financially. To varying degrees they abandon Me-First and embrace Us-First. Throw in kids and the Me-ness moves even further to the back of the bus, well it should anyway. This is lovely and has proven effective at sending Me-First DNA into the future. If a relationship ends the individuals revert back to Me-First. Personally, I see myself as much less competitive than most others. I struggled with finding and claiming my Me-Firstness when my 13-year broke up. I had to learn (a therapist helped) that Me-Firstness is not at all bad. But the universal break up dilemma is of course, what's fair? 50/50? How exactly is that determined, and what about mitigating factors like, say, one person was a worthless scumbag while the other was the model partner? Why should the lazy worthless scumbag get half, and how are these two humans' worthiness measured fairly? Fairness is a lovely high-level concept, but people breaking up revert to primitive animals operating from evolutionary instincts. The partner suddenly becomes the competitor for resources. It's survival of the fittest. Ugly, but like the sh!t we all produce every day, it is a part of us. I think it is naive to expect people will not morph into Me-Firsters when a relationship ends. Ax, I wish you great happiness and I pray your marriage lasts forever, but I suspect you have never been through a divorce. It is a unique moment in one's life and the only way to learn certain things. |
![]() |
|
| Jolly | Jan 9 2011, 08:48 AM Post #86 |
![]()
Geaux Tigers!
|
Get back to me when you have another 20 years of living under your belt. But I'll give you something to mull over a mite...all of us have spoken, using what we have been given as the facts of the situation. Yes, facts. For in jgoo's mind, this is his reality, and we can only comment on the reality we know. Naval gazing philosophy born out of too much contemplation of sidereal universes serves nobody well. |
| The main obstacle to a stable and just world order is the United States.- George Soros | |
![]() |
|
| Aqua Letifer | Jan 9 2011, 09:03 AM Post #87 |
|
ZOOOOOM!
|
+1. Just got done reading the thread, figured another reiteration couldn't hurt. Lots of good advice here, and I'd tell you what I think of the situation but Larry, Mik and IT have already taken the words out of my mouth. I'm really sorry about this, jgoo. By all accounts, an awful situation. Do your best to do what's right for you and Riley. And don't take this as an accusation, just a general caution: it takes two to make a relationship, whether it be healthy or unhealthy. If the other person's not willing to make the effort then you need to leave and that's simply all there is to it. Lawyer up, get out of there, focus on trying to do what's best for Riley (he'll also help keep you occupied when times are tough) and try to close this up as quickly and as best you can. |
| I cite irreconcilable differences. | |
![]() |
|
| Improviso | Jan 9 2011, 09:19 AM Post #88 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Put the crack pipe down, stop beating your wife and quit being an a$$hole. Jesus H Christ!
|
|
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
![]() |
|
| Mikhailoh | Jan 9 2011, 09:32 AM Post #89 |
|
If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
|
No one here advocated Jgoo keeping his 'stuff', we have advocated two things: 1. Protecting his rights to be a parent to his child. When divorces happen someone wins and someone loses in the parental area. 2. Eliminating the potential for financial hardship based on vindictiveness which we have all seen time after time in others' divorces. I have no bitterness. I've never been divorced. But I've seen plenty of them. |
|
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
![]() |
|
| Mikhailoh | Jan 9 2011, 09:33 AM Post #90 |
|
If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
|
But, I bet Ax spent plenty of time forumlating that post. |
|
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
![]() |
|
| John D'Oh | Jan 9 2011, 09:37 AM Post #91 |
|
MAMIL
|
Me neither, but I've got friends who have been seriously surprised by a turn of events caused, in my admittedly semi-objective opinion, by the self-indulgence and narcissism of one of the partners. As my conservative Christian friend likes to say on such occasions, we're a fallen people. |
| What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket? | |
![]() |
|
| Jack Frost | Jan 9 2011, 11:13 AM Post #92 |
|
Bull-Carp
|
Every now and then I get an email or PM (elsewere) saying there might be some use for a lawyer over here...kind of like the bat-signal shining in the night sky (or perhaps that is giving me too much credit). Jgoo, I am sorry to hear of your troubles. It sounds dire and the situational advice you have received is all good. Don't put up with it. If she won't do counseling, it's time to separate, and even with counseling, from the sounds of it, there isn't a lot to build on. But you don't need me to tell you that as there are plenty of others here with these wise words. Oh, and forget the hotty cashier for the moment. Once you are 100% sure you and K are done and you have commenced the process for divorce, you might be ready to date. You are young. There will always be hot cashiers. The legal. I am grateful I haven't touched a family law matter in more than a decade. Very tough cases where lose/lose is far more common than win/win. The good news for you on the legal front is that there really isn't much to fight about. You have few assets. Hopefully, you don't have a lot of debt. You don't have an underwater mortgage. Alimony is not an issue is such a short marriage. Child support will be an issue. So the only real issue to resolve is Riley. I don't think you need an expensive, asshole-ripping lawyer to solve this for you. As a parent, I suggest you (and K if she is not so narcissistic that she can't) agree there should only be one winner here and that should be the little guy. Someone, I think Apple, mentioned that the only way you will get a 50/50 kind of shared parenting court order is if you agree on one and convince the court you will be able to co-parent effectively. This makes sense. Why would a judge order that kind of sharing arrangement when the parties are at each other's throats regarding the divorce? It obviously does not bode well for co-parenting going forward. So if that is the outcome you want--and if you and K can do it well, that is clearly the win for Riley--then you will need an agreement and a plan. If you can't do that alone, there are family mediators who specialize in that process. They are a lot cheaper than an attorney and the process is far less expensive and time consuming. If you hire the expensive attorney and decide to fight, Riley will end up with a "primary residence" (or whatever term they use in your state) with one of you and the other will have him every other weekend and Wednesday night (or some approximation thereof). If you REALLY fight, the court order will need to specify which holidays Riley spends where in which years and at what time he moves from mom's house to dad's house on Christmas Eve..... It will be very difficult for one of you to prove the other is not fit to be the primary parent. After all, you probably go off to work and leave Riley with K sometimes??? How unfit can she be? There IS some bias towards the mother as a primary parent, but that is much less the case than it used to be and frequently the result of other things. Who has the better job and earns more? (Better candidate for visitation and payer of child support.) Who has been Riley's primary caregiver? Who has a better support system (extended family)? Who takes him to the doctor? (I was in a trial once where the judge asked the father seeking custody the name of his son's pediatrician. He didn't know. Guess who lost?) This is where a lawyer can be helpful--getting a sense of what judges in your county look at when making these decisions. Before you decide to fight, you shold know what the chances are that you will win. Keep in mind, the knock down, drag out fight WILL affect Riley negatively. Like it or not, you and K will have a lot of dealings with each other in the future about Riley. If one or both of you is so bruised from the fight you can't see straight, it won't help you deal together with your child. Sounds like K has done you wrong and if it were just about you and her, throwing her to the curb would be fine if that makes you feel better. But she is Riley's mother too, and she will remain Riley's mother for a long time. So I would not waste my money on an expensive lawyer. There is nothing in your case to gain from a nasty fight. Find a mediator and put togther a parenting plan for Riley and get on with your lives. It won't be easy making ends meet in two households when you were barely making it in one. You seem like a smart guy. Perhaps you should figure out how to make a bit more money going forward. Best wishes to you. I know it won't be easy. Stay focused on what is important. The rest will come around in time. jf |
| |
![]() |
|
| Mikhailoh | Jan 9 2011, 12:01 PM Post #93 |
|
If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
|
Best post of the thread. Sound advice. And it's good to see you. But Jack, you really hung it out there with that first line. |
|
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
![]() |
|
| kluurs | Jan 9 2011, 12:11 PM Post #94 |
![]()
Fulla-Carp
|
jgoo - you're a good guy with a good heart. You've got some growing to do - as does K. But at this point, you need escape velocity. Work out the custody - protect your financial assets - but don't look back until you're on the other side. You've heard what needs to be done. I suspect you may have known that in your heart - which is why you posted here. It still will be difficult and you may want to "fight the rules of convention" or "try a different approach" - but in the end, if you do, you'll regret it - big time. You're entangled with the wrong person at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. You need to get away - will be hard to do - but important if you ever want you to be happy. |
![]() |
|
| jgoo | Jan 9 2011, 01:18 PM Post #95 |
|
Administrator
|
Jack, for the first year, we BOTH attended every single one of Riley appointments together, 100% of the time. We would take extended lunch breaks from work to do it too, if need be. But we both knew we couldn't do that forever, so now it's just whichever one of us is the freest when his appointments come up. The last several times it's been me. When both K and myself are at work at the same time, my mother-in-law has Riley. (She's on my side BTW, and she bluntly told me that if K screws me over even in the slightest over Riley that she will personally hand me K's ass on a silver platter. She's very ashamed of her daughter right now, and has seen me as one of her own children since before K and I even got married). I feel really good having told K I want to go ahead with the separation. I think we can handle custody of Riley with a knock down, drag out fight. We've discussed it a billion times in the past that one of us won't be taking him away from the other. Ever. Still though, when we start the process (I'm reviewing an online copy of a petition for legal separation right now) I will make sure it's done right, will seek legal advice from a lawyer, and do what I can to ensure that a 50/50 parenting plan is set in place. And yes, I agree, this whole thing would be a thousand times easier should we not have had Riley, but we did, and I wouldn't trade him back for anything! |
![]() |
|
| apple | Jan 9 2011, 01:28 PM Post #96 |
|
one of the angels
|
aw jgoo.. i feel so bad for you and am so proud of your love of Riley. stay cool and collected and committed to what is best for the boy. I remember TomK telling me years ago what a nice kid you were and how you would really BE somebody someday.. not that means anything, but that was back in 2003. I remember being awed how you suddenly up and created this forum without much ado. I have a lot of confidence that you will see things through in stellar fashion. I do agree with Jack on one thing (actually quite a few) and that is to focus on making more money. I can envision you working in the medical field with a 401K, a decent salary and job security. You strike me as a very caring compassionate person.. your love for your grandmother, your past willingness to work with K, your thoughtful posts in general. You've a great head on your shoulders. best of luck to you and you go forward... and certainly all the best to Riley. |
| it behooves me to behold | |
![]() |
|
| KlavierBauer | Jan 9 2011, 01:39 PM Post #97 |
![]()
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Ax: Nobody here is pushing Jgoo to "win" anything for Jgoo. I think a few of us who have watched similar situations are giving advice based on the evidence we have. I've been clear since my first post that I understand that there are two sides to every story - and I'm positive that K has her side as well. I can't give advice based on that though, for I don't know what her side is. It's up to jgoo to way all of this in the context of what he knows to be true. Encouraging him to be cautious and protect his son is not advocating for him "winning" something. Most of us have been clear that neither he, nor K, get to think about themselves - for roughly 16.3 years. Riley is what matters, above and beyond their own happiness, and I think all of the advice that's been given here in 4 pages has been centered in that. Any advice to get legal counsel isn't to wrestle assets away from K - we all know that there aren't such large sums in play here - we're simply advocating that jgoo be in a position to do what's best for his son if need be, as it's clear from his wife's behavior that her son isn't first in her life right now - she is. I don't need more facts, or her side of the story to encourage jgoo to put his own desires on hold for a bit, and protect his son. I don't think k's a bad person, or whatever else you might think - I simply think she's not acting as a spouse, and is acting in her own self interest, which means it is up to jgoo to act for the family unit. More facts aren't needed to ascertain that. Jack: Thanks for giving some advice here - seems to be very sage to approach things from the "amicable breakup, 50/50" scenario, where the child has access to both parents, involvement from both, and neither of the parents have to be stuck in a blood-sucking battle to the death. I never like to see that happen - it just seems to head in that direction sometimes. jgoo - as always, you're getting great advice from folks here (accept for Buzz Killington). |
|
"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper "He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple | |
![]() |
|
| jgoo | Jan 10 2011, 06:55 PM Post #98 |
|
Administrator
|
I printed out the legal separation forms and showed them to her. She said she looked into it and it costs a lot of money, etc. and we could just figure it out on our own without the courts and the court fees. I think we can be civil about it (at least I know I can be) but I'm not thinking its such a great idea anyway. She seems upset by all this but not overly upset, unless she's just hiding it very well. She's still talking to the other girl (about 2 hours on the phone last night) and still has plans to stay the night with her again next week. Basically instead of changing and trying to convince me back (not that I would at this point anyway) she's still doing what she has been for months now anyway. If money wasn't so limited I would look for another apartment now but I will still save for it. Tax return will help too, but I also REALLY need a new car too. Unfortunately the ford caught on fire recently. Not an engine or interior fire but still......... something behind the front passanger tire was ablaze one day a few weeks ago and now I barely trust it to go 5 blocks to the store and back... |
![]() |
|
| Jolly | Jan 10 2011, 07:23 PM Post #99 |
![]()
Geaux Tigers!
|
Well....if she seems not too upset over it...any chance of using the same attorney and doing a uncontested divorce? If I'm reading between the lines correctly, she may not even fight joint custody...heck, she might even give up custody... |
| The main obstacle to a stable and just world order is the United States.- George Soros | |
![]() |
|
| jgoo | Jan 10 2011, 07:47 PM Post #100 |
|
Administrator
|
There is no way she'll give up custody. It will have to be 50/50. |
![]() |
|
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · The New Coffee Room · Next Topic » |



that's a keeper







)


11:19 AM Jul 11