| Welcome to The New Coffee Room. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| Need to Get it Out!!!!! | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 7 2011, 08:28 PM (2,458 Views) | |
| kenny | Jan 8 2011, 10:29 AM Post #51 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
So Plays won't mind if you "step out" with me?
|
![]() |
|
| Improviso | Jan 8 2011, 10:58 AM Post #52 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Kenny, if I was wired that way, you'd be a fine catch. Jose is very lucky. Unfortunately, I can't help the way I was born. I just like *pie*.
|
|
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
![]() |
|
| kenny | Jan 8 2011, 10:59 AM Post #53 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
I understand. It's not your fault, so don't feel bad.
|
![]() |
|
| sue | Jan 8 2011, 11:09 AM Post #54 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Sorry, jgoo, but that's the kind of thing that goes out the window, real fast, when a split actually happens. And like others have said here, it's you who will lose out. You really need to be smart right now, and think ahead. btw, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
|
![]() |
|
| Friday | Jan 8 2011, 11:30 AM Post #55 |
|
Senior Carp
|
I'm so sorry that you're going through this Jgoo. But PLEASE listen to what everyone is telling you. Do not go out with the hot chick. Do not believe what K is telling you. She stood in front of God and the world and made promises to you. And now she is breaking those promises, apparently without any remorse or guilt. Do you really think that she will keep promises that she's made in the privacy of her marriage with you? Please protect yourself and your son. |
![]() |
|
| NAK | Jan 8 2011, 11:30 AM Post #56 |
![]()
Senior Carp
|
Jgoo, you're a good, patient, understanding person. You know it; we know it. Unfortunately, K knows this all too well, and doesn't seem to mind using your generosity to accommodate her selfish lifestyle. If she is walking all over you now, she will have no qualms about doing the same should this turn into a legal battle. And as you have heard from several people here, the cards are already stacked against you. Now is the best time to arm yourself for an eventual conflict, and there is plenty of good advice here in that vein. A good friend of mine was in this exact situation last year, but failed to take the precautions advised by Larry and others. He doesn't get to see his daughter as often as he would like. Don't let that happen to you. Your kid's best interest should be your primary focus, and it isn't in his best interest to be in the custody of an irresponsible, self-centered parent. Sorry to see you going through this, bud. |
![]() |
|
| jgoo | Jan 8 2011, 12:26 PM Post #57 |
|
Administrator
|
So I told K that I am thinking more seriously about legal separation with a 50/50 custody. (I suggested alternating weeks). She seemed shocked to hear this, and says it hurts coming from the other end. (Whereas before, SHE was the one telling me she wants a legal separation, living apart from each other, etc.). Now she's telling me she doesn't want a divorce, that she wants Riley to have siblings, etc. I want him to have siblings too (as you all know by now, I am an only child, and I HATE it!), but in the grand scheme of things, they might just have to be half-siblings. Definitely don't want any more at this time! I need a much more stable life for myself, my son, and with whomever I may end up with later before another child is to be thought of for me. |
![]() |
|
| Horace | Jan 8 2011, 12:30 PM Post #58 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Wants more kids == wants more money from you and the government after the divorce and for the next 18 years. |
| As a good person, I implore you to do as I, a good person, do. Be good. Do NOT be bad. If you see bad, end bad. End it in yourself, and end it in others. By any means necessary, the good must conquer the bad. Good people know this. Do you know this? Are you good? | |
![]() |
|
| Luke's Dad | Jan 8 2011, 12:30 PM Post #59 |
![]()
Emperor Pengin
|
fify nnttm. Seriously, get Riley and get out. |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
![]() |
|
| jgoo | Jan 8 2011, 12:31 PM Post #60 |
|
Administrator
|
About getting a lawyer, I don't even know where or how to begin, but I am going to do some research. I'm extremely poor (we both are!) but I recently starting saving "just in case" money. Don't have much of that yet though either. Will have to research. |
![]() |
|
| musicasacra | Jan 8 2011, 12:36 PM Post #61 |
![]()
HOLY CARP!!!
|
I would require counseling. Demand it. Work on communication, expectations, respect, living a marriage, etc. Even if things don't work out, at least you tried to work through the issues and will be less likely to take them forward to future relationships. Good luck. |
![]() |
|
| sue | Jan 8 2011, 12:49 PM Post #62 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
Do you have legal aid there? I have no idea how your system works, but here there are places for low income people to get help, some that specialise in family law. Even if you don't qualify for full assistance, you may qualify for a free consultation session, which is what you really need right now, imo. |
![]() |
|
| ivorythumper | Jan 8 2011, 01:10 PM Post #63 |
|
I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
|
She's either playing you or is too emotionally stunted to know what she wants. Regardless it is completely toxic for you. The situation needs to change one way or the other for your own health, as well as your son's. The problem here, jgoo, is not her but you. You are facilitating this unhealthy behavior for what ever reason (perhaps because of your need for affection). There is no way that you will be able to have a healthy relationship with her AT ALL -- she is not emotionally healthy -- until she finds healing. But the real issue for you and Riley is that *you* will not be able to have healthy relationships with anyone until you get down to what ever it is within you that is willing to be in a relationship with an unhealthy person. (And, I am confident that these are deeply rooted patterns in both of you). So the first step is counseling -- do it with her or without her. Do it for you and Riley. It really does not matter if she doesn't want a divorce -- she already made it clear she does not want a marriage with you. But it could be that she really does not understand what marriage entails -- expectations, commitment, communication, the necessity of supporting one another, etc. So counseling may help you both in that. But IF she will not go to counseling (and do it for her own therapy, not just because you supposedly need it) then there is slim to no chance of saving the marriage. She has to grow up and learn to commit, or you will have a hellacious and miserable life. Riley will be fine without siblings. That is just manipulative BS from her. Above all you need to protect your son. That is all that matters. |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
![]() |
|
| ivorythumper | Jan 8 2011, 01:12 PM Post #64 |
|
I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
|
BTW, jgoo -- grab all the assets you have in common (bank account, etc) and put it in your own name. Cancel all credit and debit cards where you have joint accounts or you are a cosigner. Do this immediately. You can always reestablish them later, but you do not want to be vulnerable to her at all. |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
![]() |
|
| Improviso | Jan 8 2011, 01:17 PM Post #65 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
This can't be emphasized enough. I was given this same advice when my first marriage went south. I didn't listen because I didn't believe she would do anything like that. Man, was I wrong! She ran all my credit cards up to the limit. When I asked her why, she said, "if I didn't do it now, I knew I would never be able to do it again". It was a costly mistake on my part. Don't make the same mistake I made. |
|
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
![]() |
|
| Mikhailoh | Jan 8 2011, 01:27 PM Post #66 |
|
If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
|
Listen to the voices of experience here, guy. We're all in you and Riley's corner. |
|
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
![]() |
|
| sue | Jan 8 2011, 01:28 PM Post #67 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
That's good advice. Go yourself, for yourself (and Riley). I imagine your mind is a whirlwind right now; emotions and desires and confusion and worry etc. etc. Having someone who can help you look at what needs to be looked at, would be of great benefit. |
![]() |
|
| brenda | Jan 8 2011, 01:48 PM Post #68 |
![]()
..............
|
Jgoo, you're getting great advice here. Get the counseling ASAP. Close joint financial accounts ASAP. Get as much control of the finances as possible ASAP. If K gets upset or asks why, let her know it's because she is not trustworthy at this time. Don't get involved with another woman. It will only make things worse for you right now. You need to focus, and it cannot be on another woman. You are a good soul, Jgoo. It's clear you want to do what's right for your son. Keep that as your goal in all things. You are in a spot where you have to be the responsible adult for all three of you. Your wife seems unwilling or unable for now. God be with you, buddy. I am so sorry you have to go through this. ![]() |
|
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” ~A.A. Milne | |
![]() |
|
| Luke's Dad | Jan 8 2011, 01:54 PM Post #69 |
![]()
Emperor Pengin
|
Now jgoo, don't make me turn M&M's loose on you. Listen to all this advice, and take it. |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
![]() |
|
| John D'Oh | Jan 8 2011, 03:14 PM Post #70 |
|
MAMIL
|
Jgoo - I seem to remember you had a pretty bad experience in this relationship before you got married. At that time it sounded as though your partner was seriously mixed up, and self-absorbed to the point of it being a mental condition. You need to look after yourself, and your son, and let her take care of herself. You don't need to be in another dating situation now, you need to take care of what's most important - your own sanity, and your son's welfare. Back when you asked for advice a few years back, I rather insensitively wrote 'Run, Jgoo, Run' regarding the relationship, and felt rather guilty about it afterwards, particularly when you got back together. I think the advice still stands. I'm very sorry you're going through this - you always struck me as a really good guy, and you don't deserve this. Don't be too nice - I've made this mistake before, and I ended up getting a lot more hurt than I would have done otherwise. |
| What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket? | |
![]() |
|
| kenny | Jan 8 2011, 03:17 PM Post #71 |
|
HOLY CARP!!!
|
I realize we're only hearing one side of the story but K really seems like a narcissistic bitch. Good riddance! I have often felt we never fully know a partner till we break up with him/her. Unfortunate. |
![]() |
|
| Jolly | Jan 8 2011, 03:18 PM Post #72 |
![]()
Geaux Tigers!
|
|
| The main obstacle to a stable and just world order is the United States.- George Soros | |
![]() |
|
| Larry | Jan 8 2011, 03:43 PM Post #73 |
![]()
Mmmmmmm, pie!
|
IT has hit on something that I've been thinking about as well. Approaching this subject is difficult, don't want to hurt jgoo's feelings, but there's more to these things than meets the eye, always. Not saying this is the case here - but.... when a woman feels smothered by a relationship a whole range of emotions kick in, and I don't know many women who are capable of just making a clear cut, rational, cold "business decision" on how to deal with that. Most women in that situation will do strange and downright bizarre things that she would never do normally, and that later on after it's over will look back on with disbelief herself. It's a coping mechanism. I don't know that any of us can tell jgoo how to figure out his part in the cause of this, if that's what it is. It will take a trained counselor listening to both of them, together and individually. Many larger churches offer this service either for free or at a nominal cost. While it would be foolish not to prepare himself for the worst regarding financial matters now and in the future and his kid, jgoo needs help finding out what HIS part in this mess. Women don't usually "withhold affection" if what she's getting is really affection herself. I also can't quite figure out what jgoo means when he says he's not getting enough affection.. perhaps he's referring to sex. One thing that many guys fail to understand is that to a woman, sex is not affection. |
|
Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
![]() |
|
| KlavierBauer | Jan 8 2011, 04:21 PM Post #74 |
![]()
HOLY CARP!!!
|
I was forumlating more advice in my brain (after promising in my first post not to give too much... sorry) - but after reading IT's and Larry's posts (as well as everyone else who has responded), there's little to add. I hinted at it early on, that both of you seem to have issues with the concept of what marriage is, and what it entails - I don't mean that as a critique - I had similar issues when I started out. I can only recognize that now, after 6.5 years of marriage, and two of us working pretty hard at some points to better be what we should be for each other. I'm not seeing that on either side here, and both sides seem fairly fed up with the situation. I don't want to seem as though there is no hope - there is always hope. Within that though, it is understandable, justifiable, and frankly, right, for you to take any and all precautions that you can for you and your son. If you have hope for things working out, move on that path, but only after you've taken steps as mentioned earlier (ridding yourself of joint revolving credit accounts, checking accounts, attain legal council, etc.). Move through doors as they open on the path towards reconciliation - we can all change when we want to - BUT, MS was right on, counseling is a non-negotiable, first step. If working towards reconciliation with an intermediary isn't something she's willing to do, it speaks volumes. If she doesn't see her own fault in this, then reconciliation will be impossible. If you choose to move forward in that direction - do so extremely cautiously - you have enough history with her behavior and actions to know the likelihood of immediate and lasting change (vs. superficial change). Be open to a future together if that's what you want (if it will be a healthy one), but given the history you each have, and the decisions you've made in the past, have the foresight to take precautions to protect you and your son, should things go south quickly. Don't feel like a dick for not trusting her - she's practically begged you not to trust her, by openly, and unabashedly living a selfish fantasy without regard for your (plural) child. |
|
"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper "He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple | |
![]() |
|
| Mikhailoh | Jan 8 2011, 04:29 PM Post #75 |
|
If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
|
'Forumlating'.. a meme is born!!!
|
|
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
![]() |
|
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · The New Coffee Room · Next Topic » |














11:19 AM Jul 11