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| Need to Get it Out!!!!! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 7 2011, 08:28 PM (2,455 Views) | |
| jgoo | Jan 7 2011, 08:28 PM Post #1 |
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So as I had mentioned before, thing between K and I were getting bad. We are in no way enemies or anything like that! We still talk about everything and have a good relationship as far as that goes. But as far as our actual marriage goes..... Well for the past few months now, K has barely shown any affection, etc, but has willingly received affection from me. She has, for the same period of time, been having a thing with someone she works with. Another woman, to be exact! They go out together, some nights K sleeps over at her house. She hasn't kept any of it a secret from me at all. I know everything, and in some ways the fact that she is doing this with a woman rather than another man makes it seem "better" to me, but it was still very painful for a long time. She had been unhappy with our marriage for a long time, been unhappy that I "didn't show enough emotion," etc. After this started I REALLY changed big time for her. Not that I hadn't worked on it before hand, but I REALLY changed in a huge way. She liked the change, but still wanted to see this other girl, and kept saying she was sorry it had to come to this for me to change fully for her. She kept saying (at first) that she didn't want a relationship with this other girl, just a friends with benefits type of thing, and although she still doesn't classify herself as in a relationship with her, for quite a while now she has been doing all the relationship things with her. K admits to feeling love for me, and not for this other girl, though recently she has admitted to having "feelings" for the other girl. I have been waiting, very patiently, for K to come around. However I have ALSO told her than I needed some affection, and have said for the last several weeks that if a situation came about in which I could also explore other people as she is doing that I would take it up. Well three nights ago I was going through the checkout line at the store. I thought the cashier was hot and after leaving I wish I had asked her if she had any after work plans. I told this to K, who responded "only you can decide that for yourself if that's what you want to do." So what did I do then? I went back to the store and gave that cashier my phone number! Well after that, all of a sudden, K has been "thinking more seriously about our marriage and relationship" and that she finally told the other girl that she still loved me and that their thing wouldn't last forever. (This other girl, BTW, has already told K that she loves her, so K was worried if she knew this info it would turn her off of her, which she didn't want. However the other girl seems cool knowing this info). I, on the other hand, and I have told K this, some days I feel like I can wait forever for her, and other days I just think F it, I'm ready to move on. As I said earlier about giving out my number, that was three days ago now, and I haven't received a call or a message or a text from this girl. Tonight I went to that store to get dinner, and she was there. I considered not going through her line, but she saw me and smiled. I went through her line. She told me that she had been meaning to text me. She also said that she had just gotten out of a long relationship, and wasn't really looking for anything big. I told her that I am in a similar boat. She said that she would text me later tonight. I told K, and that it made me feel really good, and that I was excited to talk to the hot cashier later. She seemed interested, and at a point almost worried, but she didn't let that on too much. That is until she went to hang up her phone (she had called me on her lunch break) when I heard her say, just before hanging up, in a worried, almost sad and possibly even depressed voice "oh god." K's mother told me that after all this time, that K finally let her in on everything too. I have been talking to my mother-in-law about everything throughout this entire thing. She's told me that K feels comfortable and feels that she thinks I will be there just waiting forever for her, and now she realizes that I just may not be. I told K just the same exact thing that she's been telling me for months now. "I'm just going to take it day by day and see what happens." For the record, K has told me a couple of times over the past few weeks that no matter what happens she doesn't envision a future without me in it with her, but that at the same time, she wasn't ready to stop with the other girl yet, either. I told her too that I'm not doing this for revenge, but for myself. Sometimes I honestly wonder if I want to make this marriage last forever. I've told you all of some of my bad times with K before, but this is by far the worst. If Riley wasn't in the equation, things would be easier, but I'm also tired of other things too, and she would have to make some pretty big changes herself. One can only go for so long being called retarded all the time, for example. Or to feel controlled on certain things such as money. K has proposed quite a few times in the past that we separate for a while just to see what happens. Separate as in living in different houses from each other, etc. I think I'm finally ready to give into that proposal. I just wonder if she still feels she wants to do that or not. (As recently as less than a month ago she said she still wanted to do that after she's done with school next fall). This is what's been going on in a nutshell. I could go on forever with specific details, and specific conversations and situations, etc, but the general idea of it all is all right here. In other news, Riley will be 18 months on the 15th. He's into everything and getting VERY smart! I think we really have a genius on our hands with him! Edited by jgoo, Jan 7 2011, 08:33 PM.
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| jgoo | Jan 7 2011, 08:31 PM Post #2 |
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Wanted to add, the more time that goes by, the less painful it feels. I'm getting immune to it, and it's been a good couple of weeks since I've even shed a tear over it all. |
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| Improviso | Jan 7 2011, 08:53 PM Post #3 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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This is what you wrote...
Now read it this way... She kept saying (at first) that she didn't want a relationship with this other guy, just a friends with benefits type of thing, and although she still doesn't classify herself as in a relationship with him, for quite a while now she has been doing all the relationship things with him. Does that make you feel different than the way you feel about what you wrote? If it does, it shouldn't. It's the same thing. Gender shouldn't matter. |
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| KlavierBauer | Jan 7 2011, 08:58 PM Post #4 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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jgoo - sorry to hear that all of this is going on. I've been thinking in my head of what to say, and how I could say it, without saying something that would come across pretty closed minded. I decided I don't have a way to do that. I really feel for the both of you right now, and encourage you both to figure out what is healthiest for the three of you. I can't pass judgement, knowing that each and every story has two sides - but based on what you've said here, there are a couple things very wrong with what's been going on. I hope you two are able to work this out, and if not, I hope you're able to recognize the point at which you're hurting each other, and Riley, if you stay together, living in a way that isn't at all what either of you committed to. |
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"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper "He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple | |
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| jgoo | Jan 7 2011, 09:01 PM Post #5 |
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I have been told this same exact thing by a few people. For some reason it does feel different, although I know deep down that it shouldn't, that it should feel just exactly the same either way. Either way though, I am going to go ahead with talking to / seeing the hot cashier. K has suggested an open relationship before. And for months now she's been living one. I'm finally ready to try my hand at it too. And if she's all of a sudden changed her mind, I'm going to do it anyway. No matter what happens between us we will always love each other and remain good friends. It's already very apparent that that's how it will be if we do separate, divorce, whatever. But after waiting so patiently, after changing completely for her, after everything that's gone on, I'm ready to try something else. It doesn't mean K and I won't end up together again, but as I said, just like her, just like she's been saying through this whole thing, I want to take it day by day and see what happens. |
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| jgoo | Jan 7 2011, 09:06 PM Post #6 |
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That's okay. Be as blunt as you want to be, lord knows she's been pretty blunt with me a couple of times (although she tries not to be). As for that last paragraph, I think about that all the time. My parents were separated from each other since I was a young age, and I never liked it, but looking back on it, it was not only in their best interest to be apart, but also mine. It would have been worse to grow up with two parents who still loved each other and yet never got along and always fought or argued, than to have grown up the way that I did (which for years meant not even living with one or either of my parents full time! Riley wouldn't have to go through that though, he'd be with at least one of us full time all the time, and we'd definitely have an open parenting plan in place. We have discussed these things in the past). |
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| Larry | Jan 7 2011, 09:08 PM Post #7 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Jgoo, you know that I tend to be blunt. It's just my way - I cut to the heart of things and lay it out straight. The two of you need to get into counseling as fast as you can go. There is something wrong with a mother of a 15 month old who would leave her baby to go spend the night munching on some other woman's hoo hoo. Withholding affection from *you* is one thing - absent the other that is just an issue with the relationship between the two of you. But what I'm seeing is a girl who is emotionally unstable, extremely self centered, and frankly not mature enough to be a wife OR a mother. Get it on record that she's leaving her baby with you to spend the night away from home having sex with another woman, get it on record that you tried counseling, STAY AWAY FROM OTHER GIRLS - and then go hire the best, meanest lawyer you can afford, and rip her a new asshole. Take the kid, full custody, and then kick her to the curb and don't look back. It's not going to change. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Luke's Dad | Jan 7 2011, 09:56 PM Post #8 |
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Emperor Pengin
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jgoo, at this point you are being used. I don't see that changing. You say you changed for her. Changed what? It;s always worth improving yourself for a woman. Bettering yourself. Changing? Not when you are and were a good man to begin with. In addition, being in an open relationship isn't really very fair to the other girls, and opens the doors to way too many other issues. |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| sue | Jan 7 2011, 10:05 PM Post #9 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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+1 Sounds like a wound that will just fester, and no one, not you, not K, and most certainly not your son, will thrive in that environment. |
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| bachophile | Jan 7 2011, 10:07 PM Post #10 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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maybe i would have said it a bit differently, but i think larry is absolutely right. |
| "I don't know much about classical music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg did on their wedding night." Woody Allen | |
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| jgoo | Jan 7 2011, 10:18 PM Post #11 |
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Larry, you aren't the first to suggest that, but that's just not the kind of person I am. I don't want to take Riley away from his mother, and we have a pretty good understanding that she also won't be taking him away from me either. As I said, if a divorce does happen, we will have an open parenting plan. Not that "I get him full time except for every other weekend when you can have him" BS my brother in law has with his son. LD, I agree about the open relationship. I don't exactly like the idea of having one, but I need to do this for myself, and I will always be up front and honest from the get go with any girl I may see. Honestly though, I do feel ready to try the whole separation thing I mentioned earlier. When it comes right down to it, we just don't work anymore. Also, about the changing thing, the biggest thing with me that she didn't like was that I didn't show enough emotion. Now I show all of it and hold absolutely nothing back. I told her it was hard to do it before because any time I ever did or said anything I just got called retarded and/or got an attitude. She was upset I hadn't told her that before but that it didn't matter now, because she was finally happy. (This was shortly after she started seeing the other woman). BTW, I have brought up counseling before a few different times. For the most part, K either didn't like the idea of it, said we were beyond it, or the time she finally did decide to go along with it said it was too expensive when we looked into it. She thinks counseling will help me but is hesitant to admit that it would also help her. Another thing I did forget to mention earlier: she told me recently (before the whole hot cashier thing) how TORN she feels between the two of us. Apparently she fills gaps for me, and I fill gaps for her. Boy it sure sounds like if we could somehow fuse into the same person for her, she'd be 100% happy all around! I find it harder to care as much though with each passing day. I haven't been wearing my ring for about the last week either. I had just about 24/7 before because I kept thinking she'd come around, be happy with just me again, that we could re-piece our life together. Honestly though, I'm just not feeling it anymore. (And until about a week ago I still felt in love with her, too. I now question that as well). Edited by jgoo, Jan 7 2011, 10:20 PM.
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| KlavierBauer | Jan 7 2011, 10:41 PM Post #12 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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It sounds like neither of you really want to be married, or monogamous. Why are you both married I wonder? I'm all for an open relationship if that's what consenting adults choose, but that's no longer an option for either of you, because a child is now involved. It sounds like you're each thinking of what you need, and that's never a workable foundation. I'm speaking in general of course, not coming down of either of you in particular. I just see that if you're willing to walk the same path she has, then your'e both exhibiting a lot of the same behavior. As Larry said - the way things are isn't healthy. If you don't want to fight for custody, at least protect yourself. Not in your interest, but in Riley's interest. Trust me - I had a close friend lose his daughter to his wife after a situation very similar to this. And yes, they both promised to always be there with each other, and be friends, and whatever else - it just isn't the way these things play out. |
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"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper "He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple | |
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| jgoo | Jan 7 2011, 11:18 PM Post #13 |
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I think about that same question. I have asked K, more than once, why she married me. Every time it comes back to the same response. "It just felt like the right thing to do at the time." The funny thing is, I was happy married or not, and SHE was the one who was really lobbying for marriage. We were happy and excited when we finally did it. A month later we were expecting a child. Our entire relationship very slowly started to deteriorate shortly after our first year wedding anniversary. I can't quite pin a date on it, but somewhere around there. I always remained hopeful that things would get better, but they didn't. And now look where we are. Even as recently as a week ago I held onto that hope, but I've pretty much given up on it, and unless some pretty spectacular things happen I don't see that hope coming back, sorry as I am to say it. We have a lot more talking to do between us, but the idea of legal separation at the least is starting to appeal to me more. |
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| kenny | Jan 8 2011, 12:17 AM Post #14 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Life's hard. |
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| Larry | Jan 8 2011, 01:53 AM Post #15 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Again, I tend to cut to the chase. Yes, she will say whatever it takes to you to keep you thinking that way. She will play on your hopes, take advantage of your desire for this to be the case, and then when the thing comes down to the wire she will rip YOU a new asshole, and leave you sitting on the steps of the courthouse wishing you'd have listened to people who were telling you what I did. Do not believe a damned thing the girl says to you. She's lying. I know you don't want to believe that about her, but she is. I know it "isn't you" to do that. That's why you hire the meanest lawyer you can find and let HIM do that for you. It's going to happen to one of you, and once the judge drops his gavel, it's better that you be the one in control of that then her. When all is said and done, you will *not* be following any "open parenting plan". Your first goal, if you want an "open parenting plan", is to be the parent that is in control of that. If you don't, she will be in control, and you will be wondering what happened, in between your twice a month two day visits with your kid. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Klaus | Jan 8 2011, 02:41 AM Post #16 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Wow, what a sad story. I agree with Larry in that her behavior is a really bad sign and there is probably little hope left. Having two small children myself (and expecting a third) I can imagine how difficult such matters are when children are involved. Sometimes I have the feeling that my life is "boring" because I have had such a stable relationship for more than 16 years by now. It is good to be reminded occasionally that the alternative may be more exciting but does often not make people happier. |
| Trifonov Fleisher Klaus Sokolov Zimmerman | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jan 8 2011, 03:02 AM Post #17 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Jgoo, Larry is dead on right. A woman who loves you would NEVER EVER do this to you. Confusion? Bullsh!t. She just wants what she wants. For her, not for the two of you. It is the antithesis of marriage and commitment. She is willing to do this to you within the context of marriage, and I assure you for as much as you try to rationalize it her behavior is nothing short of outrageous. If you try to be the nice guy in the split I stone guarantee you she'll be doing exactly what Larry has advised you to do - taking control and getting exactly what she wants at your expense, just as she does every single day today. She'll hold your access to your own child over you like the Sword of Damocles and for 20 years there won't be a damn thing you can do about it. Once you are divorced you will be of no more use to her than a source of money and a free babysitter. She will get ugly in a big hurry and think nothing of it. She's already shown she doesn't give a flip how you feel about anything. All the talk is just pretty words designed to keep you dancing to her tune. Riley needs a responsible custodial parent and you are it. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| apple | Jan 8 2011, 04:40 AM Post #18 |
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one of the angels
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wow life is hard. My perception is that K is not the partner for you. That said, your relationship with Riley is important and in the formative stages. I would make him your top priority in your decisions. I personally, would not seek physical gratification at this time. you might end up with custody of your son, and setting yourself up for this responsibility should be foremost in your mind. Bless your heart Jgoo.. I guess Mik kind of said what I am thinking. Divorce is very expensive and the two of you should agree that money should go to Riley and not the lawyers. |
| it behooves me to behold | |
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| Mikhailoh | Jan 8 2011, 05:57 AM Post #19 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Well, actually I think he needs the lawyer NOW. He needs good quality legal advice. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| apple | Jan 8 2011, 06:06 AM Post #20 |
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one of the angels
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dat true.. there is a lot at stake and whoever pays for a lawyer will benefit the most. still, it would save a lot of money if the two adults could come to some pre-agreement with equal priorities.
Edited by apple, Jan 8 2011, 06:08 AM.
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| Mark | Jan 8 2011, 06:39 AM Post #21 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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What Larry said x infinity! Do not let her rip your son away from you. Trust us, she will. Fight for him. Take preemptive measures and do what is best for your son. Now! |
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___.___ (_]===* o 0 When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells | |
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| RosemaryTwo | Jan 8 2011, 06:51 AM Post #22 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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I agree with Larry too. Forget about your dating life for now and focus on that child. When you're a decade down the road, that will be what matters. Best interest of your child should govern all of your decisions for now. Even if it's difficult. |
| "Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua | |
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| Improviso | Jan 8 2011, 06:53 AM Post #23 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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This sure is starting to sound like years ago when everyone was giving some serious and heartfelt advice to Crash and it was going in one ear and out the other. I hope I'm wrong... |
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Larry | Jan 8 2011, 07:26 AM Post #24 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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The thing everyone is trying to tell you jgoo, is that if you follow the course you're saying you'll follow, you will find (I guarantee it) that when you walk out of that courthouse it was all a pipe dream, she was lying through her teeth, and you will have absolutely NO control over the situation. If you take our advice, you have the chance to be the one in control, and that is the ONLY hope you have for seeing that your desire for your child to have open access to both parents actually happens. If you let her get control, you will lose. If you get control, YOU can decide to let her "win". But one thing is just as certain as rain - if you don't have control, your son will suffer, you will suffer, and you will NEVER be able to change it. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| RosemaryTwo | Jan 8 2011, 07:27 AM Post #25 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Either way you'll have to dig deep for some strength. You will find it though, one day and one decision at a time. |
| "Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua | |
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11:19 AM Jul 11