Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to The New Coffee Room. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
  • Pages:
  • 1
  • 3
Stalker
Topic Started: Dec 6 2010, 12:22 AM (1,448 Views)
Riley
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
KlavierBauer
Dec 6 2010, 07:22 PM
You may be very limited in your ability to help here - I would really limit your involvement as much as you want to help.
He certainly won't see it as helpful - and she likely will not either, if she already feels as though this is her fault, and misses him.

You are right to care, and to be concerned, but I would warn against becoming too personally involved if you're the only one of the two of you whose genuinely concerned about her safety.
She sure seemed to take it seriously this morning.

Seems like now she's got some sort of Stockholm Syndrome effect tonight?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
MrsKB
Member Avatar
Middle Aged Carp
Exactly--she's the victim of an abusive relationship. And as her friend, you have to help her realize that she is not at fault. She is not missing him. She is missing the thought of being with someone. And of course she's psychologically been f*@ked by this guy. She needs help. The abuser needs help. I don't agree that you should run from the situation. You can be proactive by reporting what you know. I don't think it's that she doesn't want to get help for herself. She's scared of the alternative. She needs support in taking action, and you can be there for her. But please, do be careful. This abuser is unpredictable and might lash out at whomever to try and retain some sense of control of the situation.
Winning is a habit. Watch your thoughts, they become your beliefs. Watch your beliefs, they become your words. Watch your words, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. ~Vince Lombardi
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
KlavierBauer
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
I hope it didn't sound like I was advocating that you run from the situation Riley. I just think you can't lose site of the fact that you could be left sitting there by yourself in all of this.
Everything Mrs.KB says is definitely true - I would only add that in the end, it will be her decision to follow through on all of that or not, and statistics don't bode well. That is my only motivation in cautioning you personally, on how personally involved you get. You should definitely contact the police if she won't, if only for your own protection. And you should support your friend however you can, and encourage her.
You just have to be careful in the process, in case she does end up truly missing him, and going back to him.
"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper
"He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Larry
Member Avatar
Mmmmmmm, pie!
Mik mentioned it first, but he's right. I'd been thinking it, but hadn't mentioned it - you're setting *yourself* up for a fall. Get out of the middle of it. She is going to go back to him, and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. All that will happen is that once she goes back, he will turn her against you, and you'll lose a friend.

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Aqua Letifer
Member Avatar
ZOOOOOM!
Larry
Dec 6 2010, 08:00 PM
Mik mentioned it first, but he's right. I'd been thinking it, but hadn't mentioned it - you're setting *yourself* up for a fall. Get out of the middle of it. She is going to go back to him, and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. All that will happen is that once she goes back, he will turn her against you, and you'll lose a friend.

That is absolutely right.

It is all kinds of not worth it to deal with this ****.
I cite irreconcilable differences.
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Riley
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Talking to her friend helped her get through missing him, and she's feeling much better now. Hopefully she will call someone every time she feels this way until she gets through it.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Riley
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Larry
Dec 6 2010, 08:00 PM
Mik mentioned it first, but he's right. I'd been thinking it, but hadn't mentioned it - you're setting *yourself* up for a fall. Get out of the middle of it. She is going to go back to him, and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. All that will happen is that once she goes back, he will turn her against you, and you'll lose a friend.

I disagree. It is possible she'll go back to him, but after she made it through tonight, I really believe she'll be able to stick with it.

I see what you're saying, but I'm not going to stop doing everything I can to help.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Aqua Letifer
Member Avatar
ZOOOOOM!
Riley
Dec 6 2010, 10:25 PM
Larry
Dec 6 2010, 08:00 PM
Mik mentioned it first, but he's right. I'd been thinking it, but hadn't mentioned it - you're setting *yourself* up for a fall. Get out of the middle of it. She is going to go back to him, and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. All that will happen is that once she goes back, he will turn her against you, and you'll lose a friend.

I disagree. It is possible she'll go back to him, but after she made it through tonight, I really believe she'll be able to stick with it.

I see what you're saying, but I'm not going to stop doing everything I can to help.
Every situation is different.

But if it were me and I were you, I'd tell her, "you obviously should not contact him ever. You should take the threat seriously, protect yourself, and contact the police."

And then I would totally leave it alone.
I cite irreconcilable differences.
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Frank_W
Member Avatar
Resident Misanthrope
Wow... I'm allergic to drama and bullsh#t. If she's serious, she'll contact the police or a battered women's shelter. If she's not serious, she's going to go back to him, and likely get beat some more, or end up dead. There's not much you can do about it, Riley. You may feel like you are being her knight in shining armor, but basically, she's using you because she's more afraid of being alone than she is, of being beat to death. Were I in your shoes, I'd call her on her bullsh#t, and if in the process I lost her for a friend, I'd consider that I'd gotten out pretty economically, all things considered.

I know that sounds wrong, cold-hearted, and flies directly in the face of how you've grown up and what you've been taught, but it is the truth. Take care of YOU, first and foremost. No one else is going to look out for YOUR interests any better than you, yourself.
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
I'm not sure Frank - I think the reasons that some women stay, or go back, to abusive partners can be very complex. It's obviously a very tough situation for Riley, and he needs to be very careful, but she might need a friend, and she's not necessarily taking advantage of him.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Frank_W
Member Avatar
Resident Misanthrope
Well, that's certainly the hard part isn't it. By being in the position he's in, Riley may also be in danger. It just depends on how big of a psycho the boyfriend is. Personally, the litmus test is this: If she's unwilling to help herself, in even the slightest, most common sense of ways, then it's time to be Pontius Pilate, IMHO.
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
KlavierBauer
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
I agree with John - it's overly simplistic to say that if someone is serious, they'll to this, and if they're not, they won't.
The reasons she would go back to him would have nothing to do with rational thought or reason. She doesn't actually miss him, this is (as Riley said earlier) some sort of Stockholm Syndrome variant. The psychology behind this is likely complex, and you can't just turn your back on her because she's not making the right decisions.
I've cautioned you about the level at which you're involved, and I still believe that. In the end, this will be her doing, and her doing alone to move forward - but at the same time, you can't simply leave it completely alone, knowing how complex the situation is. If I were you, I'd probably be involved at some level, trying to support, encourage, and nudge the person in the direction I knew to be safer for them, since they don't themselves understand that yet. She has an enormous fear to get over in moving forward with authorities involved, and while she'll have to eventually do that on her own, I think it's very admirable that you're there to walk with her through this Riley.
As always though - be very careful.
Pepper Spray's nice, but this:
Posted Image

always = this:
Posted Image
"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper
"He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
KlavierBauer
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Personally I wouldn't have the taser - but many people would disagree with what I'd highly recommend both of you to have as protection.

"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper
"He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mark
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Posted Image
___.___
(_]===*
o 0
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JBryan
Member Avatar
I am the grey one
WHat range does that stun from.
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mark
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Stun? :lol:

I recommend the .45 ACP.
___.___
(_]===*
o 0
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
KlavierBauer
Dec 7 2010, 10:38 AM
Personally I wouldn't have the taser - but many people would disagree with what I'd highly recommend both of you to have as protection.

Isn't Riley in Canada? I don't think he'd want to be caught carrying a handgun in Canada. They might stick him in jail, or even worse deport him south.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
KlavierBauer
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
John: I recommended he have a Taser - though I understand why it would be hard for a brit to tell the difference. :)
Here, you can carry one of these: Posted Image
"I realize you want him to touch you all over and give you babies, but his handling of the PR side really did screw the pooch." - Ivory Thumper
"He said sleepily: "Don't worry mom, my dick is like hot logs in the morning." - Apple

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
KlavierBauer
Dec 7 2010, 11:25 AM
John: I recommended he have a Taser - though I understand why it would be hard for a brit to tell the difference. :)
Here, you can carry one of these: Posted Image
It must horrify Americans that the British police don't need guns. They simply use well-placed caustic remarks (as only the British can), and reduce the common criminal to a blubbering mass of jelly, begging to be arrested just so the abuse will stop.

Of course, it just goes down hill from there. Lawyers have been known to raise a single eyebrow in an ironic manner.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Kincaid
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Riley, keep doing what your doing but be very cautious and safe.

Your friend needs professional counseling - wonder if she can get any free by calling an abuse hotline?
Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
Kincaid
Dec 7 2010, 12:10 PM
Riley, keep doing what your doing but be very cautious and safe.

Your friend needs professional counseling - wonder if she can get any free by calling an abuse hotline?
Sorry Riley, I shouldn't be discussing light-hearted side-topics in this thread. I think counselling would be an excellent idea. If you get somebody good, they might be able to see things in a rather different light and help her avoid falling back into a bad relationship.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
kluurs
Member Avatar
Fulla-Carp
I knew a woman who was in something like what you're describing. She got a restraining order - and he tossed rocks through her window the same day. He pushed her down a flight of stairs - causing her to lose a baby. He subsequently broke down her door and raped her. She's no longer alive. Your friend really needs to get away from this guy - out of town.
Edited by kluurs, Dec 7 2010, 01:00 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Frank_W
Member Avatar
Resident Misanthrope
kluurs
Dec 7 2010, 12:59 PM
I knew a woman who was in something like what you're describing. She got a restraining order - and he tossed rocks through her window the same day. He pushed her down a flight of stairs - causing her to lose a baby. He subsequently broke down her door and raped her. She's no longer alive. Your friend really needs to get away from this guy - out of town.
^^^THIS!!^^^
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Jolly
Member Avatar
Geaux Tigers!
Riley
Dec 6 2010, 10:25 PM
Larry
Dec 6 2010, 08:00 PM
Mik mentioned it first, but he's right. I'd been thinking it, but hadn't mentioned it - you're setting *yourself* up for a fall. Get out of the middle of it. She is going to go back to him, and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. All that will happen is that once she goes back, he will turn her against you, and you'll lose a friend.

I disagree. It is possible she'll go back to him, but after she made it through tonight, I really believe she'll be able to stick with it.

I see what you're saying, but I'm not going to stop doing everything I can to help.
If you read what I wrote above, I mentioned one of my coworkers getting killed at work.

His death was actually suicide by cop.

After he killed his girlfriend (also a coworker)the previous night, he showed up at the hospital to get his check. When he walked back out to his truck, he signed his check, put it in an envelope with his little girl's name on it and left it on the seat of the truck. Then he picked his AR-15 up and stood in front of the hospital until the cops got there.

They talked back and forth for about 30 minutes until he was tired of the charade (or had a big enough audience) and he triggered off a couple of rounds into a squad car. Funny, a guy who was one of the best combat shooters I ever knew, couldn't hit a cop at 50 feet with a rifle.

He had on a yellow Izod polo shirt. The cops blew the back of his shirt off, literally blew it off. .357 rounds, 45ACP rounds, buckshot and the state trooper standing next to me was hammering him with an M-16.

But he deserved it.

We cleaned up his girlfriend's house after the detectives and forensic guys were through. And it was mess. The boyfriend cornered her in a bathroom and shot her head to pieces. Ten rounds of .223 at close range.

Wiping brains off the walls is worse than cleaning up egg whites.

Also had to clean up a bedroom in the house. That's where he caught up with her male friend. Wasn't too bad, just a bit of blood and blood spray...must have not been particularly mad at the guy, because he only shot him twice, center mass. Mad or not, the girlfriend's friend was as dead as she was.

I guess at the end of the day, the restraining order didn't work out too well.

Moral of the story? Never, ever underestimate how crazy or how violent some people can get when under stress. I wish I had a dollar for every person in the ED I've heard say, "I never thought he/she would do that!".

Be wary. Be safe.
The main obstacle to a stable and just world order is the United States.- George Soros
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
big al
Member Avatar
Bull-Carp
How's this working out, Riley? I'll confess that I'm glad to see your posts just to know you're OK.

Big Al
Location: Western PA

"jesu, der simcha fun der man's farlangen."
-bachophile
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
DealsFor.me - The best sales, coupons, and discounts for you
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · The New Coffee Room · Next Topic »
Add Reply
  • Pages:
  • 1
  • 3