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| Heaven and Hell | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 26 2009, 02:14 PM (291 Views) | |
| Nobody's Sock | Mar 26 2009, 02:14 PM Post #1 |
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Fulla-Carp
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In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs. |
| "Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." | |
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| Frank_W | Mar 26 2009, 05:59 PM Post #2 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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I'm pretty sure Satan created the tobacco companies, too...
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| Wacki Iraqi | Mar 27 2009, 06:38 AM Post #3 |
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Senior Carp
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Then again, couldn't God have created all these things for use to use in balance with each other. Maybe the devil is us, just misusing these things that can both fulfill and destroy? If I give you a spoon, and you eat your broccoli soup with it, and you stab your neighbour with it, does the creator change? |
| You're an atheist when considering Zeus, Apollo, Amon Ra, Mithras, Baal, Thor, Wotan, the Golden Calf and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.........I just go one God further. | |
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| Mikhailoh | Mar 27 2009, 06:42 AM Post #4 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Well put, Wacki. A good cigar and a healthy snifter of great brandy now and then never hurt anyone. Do it all day, that's another matter. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Improviso | Mar 27 2009, 06:43 AM Post #5 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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He must have a sense of humor too. He created Okra.
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Mikhailoh | Mar 27 2009, 06:44 AM Post #6 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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There's even a song about alcoholic moderation: Switch to Beer My Uncle Jack fell from his ladder Drunk as a skunk at his work one day Broke his back, bruised his bladder Switched to beer, now he’s okay! Senator Flynn was totally smashed Picked up a hooker on the street one day The cops gave chase, he swerved and crashed Switched to beer now he’s okay How do you get your head to clear? Switch to beer, switch to beer You don’t have to go to AA Switch to beer you’ll be okay Father McFeely said a sorry mass Three sheets to the wind at his church one day Pinched an altar boy on the ass Didn’t switch to beer, just moved away Some tart broke my heart and set me free So I drank straight Gin for a year one day Woke up in a re-hab facility I switched to beer, now I’m okay You can party on, so have no fear Switch to beer, switch to beer Stay away from the hard stuff Switch to beer, it’s strong enough How do you get your head to clear? Switch to beer, switch to beer You don’t have to go to AA Switch to beer, you’ll be okay Switch to beer, you’ll be okay |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Mikhailoh | Mar 27 2009, 06:45 AM Post #7 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Now Improv, she has helped a lot of people. Heck, she gave her whole audience a car! |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Improviso | Mar 27 2009, 06:48 AM Post #8 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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yes, she did... |
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Mikhailoh | Mar 27 2009, 07:02 AM Post #9 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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They had a hell of a time getting into it, though. ![]() |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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