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| A not-so-good day | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Feb 26 2009, 02:45 PM (727 Views) | |
| Larry | Feb 26 2009, 04:09 PM Post #26 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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I'm not talking about "touchy feely" as it applies to showering love and affection and attention of them. I did that, and did it quite freely. I'm talking about taking a f*cked up kid that has spent his life getting away with crap and deciding the way to alter his attitude is to coddle him with a bunch of psycho babble Dr. Spock nonsense. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Carpe Diem | Feb 26 2009, 04:10 PM Post #27 |
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Junior Carp
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+1!!
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| Free Rider | Feb 26 2009, 04:12 PM Post #28 |
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Fulla-Carp
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I think there is a huge difference in swatting a 4 yr. old in the butt, and dragging your teenager outside by the hair and punching them over and over. Unfortunately my dad and lots of his generation (he's a WWII vet) had no other point of reference for parenting other than the way they were raised (My dad got beat up by his dad, too.) This is sad. I know that I could have done without the beatings I recieved. i lived in fear of my dad, hiding upstairs in my room at the sound of his footsteps. I haven't lived at home since I was 16 as a result. My brothers never stood up to him until they were grown men...like I said they've never forgivien him. Raising a child means being firm, laying out the ground rules as well as consequences for good and bad behavior. One of those consequences should not be physical violence. Sorry if I reacted harshly, Larry. I do not mean to say you abused your kids or that you wern't loving. I'm saying there are other ways that are better. I will never beat my boy. Spank? yes...up to about 5 or 6 yrs. old. After that I won't lay a hand on him in anger. |
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| Larry | Feb 26 2009, 04:17 PM Post #29 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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An example: My first wife's cousin had twins. She never made them mind, she'd just say "stop that" and then go on with what she was doing. The twins learned that she wouldn't do anything, so they ran wild. My kids knew better. The first time she visited us and brought those two little holy terrors to the house, even my kids would be put off by their behavior. The first time they broke something, I waited for their mother to handle it. She didn't. The second time they almost broke something, I politely suggested she make her kids slow down, that we didn't allow that kind of behavior. She did nothing. The third time when they nearly killed the cat, I yanked them both up and sat them on the couch, and informed them in no uncertain terms that if they moved off that couch I would wear them out. One moved. ![]() My wife's cousin told me she would *never* visit us again. We were all quite relieved at her decision..... |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Mikhailoh | Feb 26 2009, 04:18 PM Post #30 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Never say never. Boys can be very challenging and you have to be ready to meet the challenge. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Larry | Feb 26 2009, 04:19 PM Post #31 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Well, I never suggested doing that, nor would I do it. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Luke's Dad | Feb 26 2009, 04:23 PM Post #32 |
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Emperor Pengin
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There's a far cry between the two. That being said, I'm very sure that the vast majority of kids out there diagnosed with various problems and on meds are the victims of bad parenting. OTOH, I'm also sure that there are some few kids out there with great parents, but real problems, and honestly need help and medicine. |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| dolmansaxlil | Feb 26 2009, 04:25 PM Post #33 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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No - THIS kid would have been institutionalized. I'm talking about one specific kid. And I can guarantee that he never would have set foot into a public school. |
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| Free Rider | Feb 26 2009, 04:30 PM Post #34 |
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Fulla-Carp
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Mik, that's the danger. I know that I satnd a greater chance of being like my dad because of the abuse I recieved. I have to be very, very careful how I let myself react physically to my son, or I just may end up being the monster that I hated. Even as a kid I remember repeating to myself over and over...that I hated my family and I would just have to make a family of my own someday if I wanted a good one. |
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| Renauda | Feb 26 2009, 04:45 PM Post #35 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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I don't know the specifics of this kid so I'll just have to take your word for it. But I can assure you that a lot of kids were streamed through the public school system back then who ought to have been institutionalized- some were in a way and it was called vocational school starting in grade 3 or 4. Nevertheless, vocational school was still a part of the public school system- it was not hospital- and unless they committed crime for which they would be sent to the g'ovt run Reform School, they stayed there until their 16th birthday. |
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| Piano*Dad | Feb 26 2009, 04:58 PM Post #36 |
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Bull-Carp
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Not all, however. My dad was a WWII vet whose family was quite dysfunctional. In fact, it was mostly broken up during the depression. Yet I can only remember one or two times that my father lost control of his emotions. Yep, those made a big impression on me. I'm not sure it was a good one, but it certainly made an impression on me. Yet even when out of full control he never beat me. Parents are individuals who make choices, and those choices are not always predictable based on how they themselves were raised. Dol, Tough day. I hope he's better tomorrow! |
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| Improviso | Feb 26 2009, 05:02 PM Post #37 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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I broke the cycle FR. The key to it was using my father as a role model. Not in the tradition sense, but rather as a model of how *not* to be a parent. That was the key for me. It required a LOT more work than my father ever put forth, but it worked. Our youngest tells her mom all the time, she looks back and loves the wonderful childhood she had. |
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Mikhailoh | Feb 26 2009, 05:03 PM Post #38 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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My dad is a WWII vet too, also from a broken family, with a nutzo mother who was the poster girl for self-absorbtion. But, for any faults he had, he rose above that pretty well, and certainly did not abuse us. I got the belt taken to me exactly once , and I richly deserved it. He did pick my 16 year old brother up by the neck with one hand and wung him across the room one time, but Jeff seriously deserved it. Worked hard for it, he did. Even he will tell you that to this day. It made a CLEAR impression on me of where the line was not to cross, so it was also quite effective where words could not be. The line was Don't Fvck With Mom. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Mikhailoh | Feb 26 2009, 05:05 PM Post #39 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Improv, I learned a lot from my dad that way too. It's just an alternate teaching method. FR, you worry too much. You know damn well you will never do what your father did. It is simply not in you. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Free Rider | Feb 26 2009, 06:09 PM Post #40 |
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Fulla-Carp
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Improv, I appreciate you sharing that with me, i noticed on your 25 random things list that you didn't go to his funeral...that is SO how I feel. Thanks. Mik...I do worry too much, and I'm glad you have faith in my ability to break that cycle. |
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| blondie | Feb 26 2009, 06:52 PM Post #41 |
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Bull-Carp
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Sorry you had an exhausting day Dol. Hate to say, but it's almost reassuring hearing of other kids out there. The 1st & last time we tried a trial without meds, there was a formal misconduct written up at school. That's pretty humiliating for a family to bear. We thought we'd planned well for it, had practiced enough with scenarios, emotions, role played, all that. :Sigh: A parent so wants their kid to lead a normal life. Life b/t 7:30 pm & 7:30 a.m is pretty exhausting here too. We'll never be normal. |
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| Renauda | Feb 26 2009, 07:13 PM Post #42 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Blondie, are there signs a parent should watch for at an early age? Our household is slowly being consumed by what will soon surely be a full blown case of toddler dementia. Tarzan celebrated his 2nd birthday on Sunday. Last night he managed to crawl over the rails of his crib. Today I lowered the matress to floor level- hopefully that will buy us another year before having to convert the crib to a toddler bed. |
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| dolmansaxlil | Feb 26 2009, 07:14 PM Post #43 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Oh, I can understand that, blondie! One of the parts of my job - especially for my multiple-identification kids (10% of my kids are gifted/LD, plus the one I talked about today, plus one who is gifted/LD/Asperger's) is to provide parents with links to supports. It IS a hard go - and it's especially hard when you have a gifted child who has other difficulties - because they are REALLY bright, and it's so incredibly frustrating for them because they truly understand their own weaknesses. |
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| Mikhailoh | Feb 26 2009, 07:16 PM Post #44 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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Yes. Watch for them being Russian with multiple girl friends and a fondness for blue candy. |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Renauda | Feb 26 2009, 07:22 PM Post #45 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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He is Russian, that we already know. I'll have to check with daycare as to the girls. So far he seems to be more interested in stuffed puppy, teddy bear and toy quad. |
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| blondie | Feb 26 2009, 07:55 PM Post #46 |
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Bull-Carp
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Heh. We had a Tarzan Terrorist too. At 18 mos (95th percentile for ht & wt) he did a flip out of his crib & his pediatric mommy nurse here said enough of this sh*t & moved him to a regular twin bed, with side rails, & wedged it next to a wall. When he was 2 we moved to a house & I put a single mattress on the floor & ditched most of the furniture in his room for his own safety. Life was so so exhausting back then. Around age 2 I began to see signs something was wrong. First developmental stuff, then behavioral milestone wise, fine motor, and speech (fluency). And b/c he was so much work, I looked for a preschool program for kids still in diapers (it was 2 hours of respite for me b/c we had no child care & hubby worked 24/7). It was in this preschool program, as I participated & observed his behaviors alongside other 2 yr olds, I confirmed my suspicions. Things like sitting on spot, taking turns, interrupting, frustration with simple normally enjoyable things, staying on task, following simple directions (taking into consideration the broad range of 'normal' for 2 yr olds) ... still set our kid apart from the others. I was real fortunate having a decade of experience with young kids. I stuck with that same preschool for years 3 & 4. Kindergarten was a disaster. I had him assessed in grade 1. Yes, he was gifted. But yes, the ADHD was evident along with some coexisting fluency, fine/gross motor concerns. Renauda, it occurs to me your wife is likely familiar with DDSTs, thus developmental task things from her profession. As a start, I'd look at the behavioral indicators with that, do some thinking, then get your child into a structured early preschool thing (with certified teachers). Teachers know kids so well. They can provide all sorts of support & guide you. |
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| Renauda | Feb 26 2009, 08:09 PM Post #47 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Other than a slight language delay, which is to be expected in Tarzan's circumstance, he is on the mark. We've noticed that during the last couple of weeks the verbal floodgates are starting to open wide. It is apparent that he comprehends pretty much everything somebody says. His assessed fine motor skills are actually ahead of the curve and always have been since we brought him home a year ago. My spouse would have to study up on things like DDST's and developmental issues because she only works with adults in rehab with head, neck and brain cancer. She's even taking Tarz to another SLP to assist with the delayed speech. The only advantage she has is that she has the necessary tools to implement the SLP's recommendations. |
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| blondie | Feb 26 2009, 08:12 PM Post #48 |
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Bull-Carp
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I hear that Dol. I so agree. His frustration is beyond 'frustrating' for me. But hey, I've grown considerably more patient b/c of it. Geez, I remember him being say 11 before he could competently tie his own shoe laces. And this is in spite of me here being ever so patient, day after day, year after year, showing him, helping him, repetition, praise, patience, alternate methods, all that. Me of all people! The tears we both shed. Me thinking I was a for certain mommy failure; him feeling so frustrated, embarrassed, stupid b/c he wasn't like the other kids. Our hearts were torn, that's for sure. Problems magnify when an ADD kid's hormones kick in during junior high. And b/c this kid's so smart & intuitive he perceives everything verbal/non-verbal coming off others. Meds help but holy smokes. They are too smart for themselves & behaviorally try to manipulate their illness to their own detriment. It's the "Let's blame the ADD game" for whatever I do wrong one moment, then a .. "Mommy I just want to be normal & act stupid like everyone else.", then a "She doesn't like me cause I'm so 'emo' all the time & I can't help it" :sigh: There's no way I could be a teacher ... especially a teacher like you Dol. Too muchy! |
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| blondie | Feb 26 2009, 08:20 PM Post #49 |
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Bull-Carp
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Well, these are good things Renauda. You 2 are observant, educated & prepared to act if need be. Like us, you also have the situation with an only child. I truly think that 'only children' need kid interaction early on. Their language development will be normally more advanced b/c of their intense interaction with you as parents & with other adults. But there's lots to be said of kid play. It's a necessary & important part of how kids learn. And it's socialization. If he's anything like you, he'll be a yapper. [I mean that in a good way 'cause you're so articulate ]
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| Renauda | Feb 26 2009, 08:32 PM Post #50 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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He gets plenty of kid interaction at daycare 5 days a week. The care givers there have commented that he is one of the easier kids in his room. He's not aggressive, is generally content and can occupy himself with minimal supervision. I've noticed the same when he's on my watch and mom is out. Other than the obligatory fouling of the diaper while I'm running late for work, he's all suited up in his winter clothes and I'm trying get him out the door to take him to daycare (yes, it's a game he loves to play on daddy's morning watch) he's fine. |
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4:48 PM Jul 10