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How to get over anger?
Topic Started: Feb 18 2009, 01:39 PM (759 Views)
Bernard
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Senior Carp
CrashTest
Feb 18 2009, 01:39 PM
After I stopped with the woman, and stopped talking with her, everything that happened became clear.

I just became very angry at the things that she did - and even at myself for allowing them to continue, all of the taking advantage, etc.

What's a healthy way to get over such feelings? Obviously calling her and telling her this won't help, so how do I find it within myself?
Crash,

I would say that getting over anger requires a two-pronged approach. The first is to find ways of expressing your anger very specifically in reference to very specific occurrences or experiences you had. Cry, shout, scream, hit the @(#*$& couch. Talk to someone precisely about what happened and see what happens when you do that. The second is to use the 'reasonable' part of your mind to think through your experience and put it in relation to other experiences you have had or experiences you've heard about other people having--in other words, find a perspective for your experience that makes it less painful for you.

I would also suggest getting the book "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. Good wisdom in that book, along with exercises that can help you 'move on' with your life.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
And Crash, if you were wondering, I was totally serious about prayer. It is marvelously cathartic.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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brenda
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..............
Posted Image

Crash, I can't say yet whether this will help, but I have heard good things about it. I have a copy on reserve for me at my local library and I will be reading it soon. There is also a workbook available from the same author. Amazon has both.


Here's another by a different author. It appears to be worthwhile, too.
Posted Image
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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blondie
Bull-Carp
Perhaps I'm presumptuous, but I think Crash is hinting more of 'hurt' than he is of 'anger'. He's hitting the next new stage with 'Teh Woman' thing.

But of 'Anger', .... It's a normal necessary thing considering what you've been through. People here give good suggestions for diffusing it short & intermediate term. When my anger is acute - I need to be quite physical with my exercise. When my anger lingers, mental exercise (piano, sewing, reading, having a job) helps. I have to work hard so my anger does not become chronic. Chronic anger is a bad-bad scene Crash. Don't go there. You don't want 'teh anger with teh woman' impacting relationships 2, 5, 10+ years down the line. You don't want to grow mature as a man packing baggage, hating, or having issues with women. So if you're angry now Crash, you need to deal with it now & appropriately.

'Hurt' is a by-product of anger. It's also a normal thing. Hurt is also one step closer to resolution. The solution to healing a person's hurt is forgiveness. I say it without hesitation. For you Crash, whether you use religion, philosophy, psychology, whatever/whoever ... You just must forgive her. As you forgive, you'll discover what's 'good' again about yourself. You'll be strong enough to seek, hope, feel goodness in others (that includes new women).

Take care Crash. :)
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Forgive, yes, but don't forget how she treated you.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Phlebas
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Bull-Carp
brenda
Feb 18 2009, 07:59 PM
Posted Image

Crash, I can't say yet whether this will help, but I have heard good things about it. I have a copy on reserve for me at my local library and I will be reading it soon. There is also a workbook available from the same author. Amazon has both.


Here's another by a different author. It appears to be worthwhile, too.
Posted Image
...or, there's always:

Posted Image

:leaving:
Random FML: Today, I was fired by my boss in front of my coworkers. It would have been nice if I could have left the building before they started celebrating. FML

The founding of the bulk of the world's nation states post 1914 is based on self-defined nationalisms. The bulk of those national movements involve territory that was ethnically mixed. The foundation of many of those nation states involved population movements in the aftermath. When the only one that is repeatedly held up as unjust and unjustifiable is the Zionist project, the term anti-semitism may very well be appropriate. - P*D


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brenda
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..............
Phlebas, yes, it's good to have Plan B prepared. :)
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I can see it taking 2 freaking years to get over someone you'd spent years with, had kids with, etc. But to obsess over a girl you had a few dates with is a bit much, in my opinion.

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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CrashTest
Pisa-Carp
I didn't have a few dates with her, we dated for 2 years almost.

But that seems like the plan - forgive but do not forget what happened.

I am getting better at it, and I think I am wiser now due to it.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Good for you.

But next time, apply what you have learned. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's a duck.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Dewey
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HOLY CARP!!!
You're right, you're mad at her, AND you're mad at yourself. But the truth is, even thought you're really, really mad at her, you're *more* mad at yourself. It's hard for any of us, who have built up this image of ourselves being smart and all other sorts of good and right, having to face the reality that we're not as smart and good and right as we thought - that actually, we're just like everyone else, and we can, and do, allow ourselves to be taken to the cleaners by someone else. We have trouble admitting that someone else was craftier than us, and was able to con us out of our socks, materially, emotionally, or both, and that fact nags at us. A big part of what you're feeling isn't actual anger at her, but anger - even disgust - at what you don't want to face about yourself.

You're human. Just like everyone else.

It's easy to say to just let go, and decide that you won't allow your anger - at her, and yourself - to control you. But as hard as it is, that's exactly what you have to do, because left unchecked it will just poison every aspect of your life, and eventually it can destroy you. But it can also be a blessing in disguise, too. In addition to time and prayer, and will power, find something really meaningful to do, to help someone who really needs help. It doesn't really matter what, just something. You'll find that in discovering more about other people who are hurting, far worse than you are yourself will help to temper your own hurt and anger, and actually doing something to help them will help to dissolve the anger. It starts out small, and at first it might seems forced or contrived, but very quickly your concern for those others - which will be real, for after all, you really are a relatively good and caring person - will become natural, and easier, and it can almost completely erase the anger and hurt remaining within you. You'll have learned several things, on different levels, and in different aspects of your own life. And that might be worth far more than any short-term loss that you've suffered, in order to get to that poiint.
"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685.

"Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous

"Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011

I'll answer your other comments later, but my primary priority for the rest of the evening is to get drunk." - Klaus, 12/31/14
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George K
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Finally
Phlebas was not kidding.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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TomK
HOLY CARP!!!
George K
Feb 19 2009, 04:29 AM
Phlebas was not kidding.
It even has the disclaimer:

Quote:
 
For entertainment purposes only.
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Aqua Letifer
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ZOOOOOM!
Opinions and advice are pretty cheap things to peddle, especially when it's you that has to deal with this stuff and not someone else, but FWIW...

I'm generally not a fan of how selective we all are with what is and what is not a "healthy" emotion to express. We're allowed to laugh and smile in public but it's not acceptable to be sour. When people are grieving, we actually take it as a good thing when they don't let it show. "He's holding up really well," we say, when the other person's not expressing their loss outwards. It's ridiculous.

Anger's a very natural thing to be feeling in your situation. In my opinion, since it's a justified response, not only is it okay to feel that but it's important to do so. Be pissed off! You have every right to be!

Just make sure that you're doing it in a healthy way. Know who you're mad at; don't take it out on others. And try to find an activity in which you can channel your anger. Start working out, for example. Or pick up another hobby. Doesn't matter, so long as you find a healthy outlet for your emotions. I think that's a lot better for you than trying to somehow deny how you feel.
I cite irreconcilable differences.
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Phlebas
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Bull-Carp
George K
Feb 19 2009, 04:29 AM
Phlebas was not kidding.
Quote from the book:
Quote:
 
The only cool badass out of Watergate was G. Gordon Liddy, and he kept his mouth shut.


:lol2:
Random FML: Today, I was fired by my boss in front of my coworkers. It would have been nice if I could have left the building before they started celebrating. FML

The founding of the bulk of the world's nation states post 1914 is based on self-defined nationalisms. The bulk of those national movements involve territory that was ethnically mixed. The foundation of many of those nation states involved population movements in the aftermath. When the only one that is repeatedly held up as unjust and unjustifiable is the Zionist project, the term anti-semitism may very well be appropriate. - P*D


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CrashTest
Pisa-Carp
Phlebas, I did tell her pretty much how I felt - but afterwards I felt bad and was nice to her.

The reason why it is hard for it to go away is that I still like her. She's with some other guy now, and that hurts too.

She said this to me near the end:

"I know that if I chose to stay with you, I would have had my entire life and problems fixed, but I didn't want to do that - I did not want to take advantage of you because you are such a good person, if you were just some guy trying to mess around, I would have done it, but you are such a good person".

That's comforting, and disturbing at the same time - I guess she just didn't use me more because I was so nice. Huh.
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Kincaid
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HOLY CARP!!!
CrashTest
Feb 19 2009, 10:03 AM
She said this to me near the end:

"I know that if I chose to stay with you, I would have had my entire life and problems fixed, but I didn't want to do that - I did not want to take advantage of you because you are such a good person, if you were just some guy trying to mess around, I would have done it, but you are such a good person".

That's comforting, and disturbing at the same time - I guess she just didn't use me more because I was so nice. Huh.
My first thought is that she is that clever and manipulative - that's just what a succubus would say to make you keep coming back.
Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
We've been thru this all before.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Phlebas
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Bull-Carp
Crash,

It would be good for you to talk to someone about this - counselor, psychologist.
If you got to the bottom of why you're angry, why you feel bad because she's with someone else, even though you know it's over, etc. , that would help.

I know from experience why you may be having these feelings, but you need to confront and resolve them.

It's hard to believe, but you will get over it in time. Reaching out to whatever social network you have, and family, getting out there with other women will take your mind off of it.
You'll never forget it - even afer years - but it will get easier.
Random FML: Today, I was fired by my boss in front of my coworkers. It would have been nice if I could have left the building before they started celebrating. FML

The founding of the bulk of the world's nation states post 1914 is based on self-defined nationalisms. The bulk of those national movements involve territory that was ethnically mixed. The foundation of many of those nation states involved population movements in the aftermath. When the only one that is repeatedly held up as unjust and unjustifiable is the Zionist project, the term anti-semitism may very well be appropriate. - P*D


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LadyElton
Fulla-Carp
Play WoW and gank n00bs. :nerd:
Hilary aka LadyElton
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!
Aqua Letifer
Feb 19 2009, 07:10 AM
Opinions and advice are pretty cheap things to peddle, especially when it's you that has to deal with this stuff and not someone else, but FWIW...

I'm generally not a fan of how selective we all are with what is and what is not a "healthy" emotion to express. We're allowed to laugh and smile in public but it's not acceptable to be sour. When people are grieving, we actually take it as a good thing when they don't let it show. "He's holding up really well," we say, when the other person's not expressing their loss outwards. It's ridiculous.

Anger's a very natural thing to be feeling in your situation. In my opinion, since it's a justified response, not only is it okay to feel that but it's important to do so. Be pissed off! You have every right to be!

Just make sure that you're doing it in a healthy way. Know who you're mad at; don't take it out on others. And try to find an activity in which you can channel your anger. Start working out, for example. Or pick up another hobby. Doesn't matter, so long as you find a healthy outlet for your emotions. I think that's a lot better for you than trying to somehow deny how you feel.
Aqua,
That's very true - but I think there's a difference between getting angry on occasion and having it become all-consuming. I know that when I sought out someone to talk to (as in someone I was paying so they had to sit there and listen, damnit!), it was because my hurt and anger and frustration and obsession with the topic were so all-consuming that they were making my life completely miserable. THAT'S not healthy. Considering what we've heard from Crash about teh woman over the past couple years, I'd say there's a chance he could fall into that.
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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George K
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Finally
In all seriousness, this has to be the best Crashtest thread in a long long time.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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kathyk
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Pisa-Carp
TomK
Feb 18 2009, 01:57 PM
There's always booze and hookers. It's a tried and true cure.
:tsktsk: :biggrin:
Blogging in Palestine: http://kksjournal.com/
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