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| Parenting advice needed; Dedication to activities | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 24 2009, 04:01 PM (338 Views) | |
| dolmansaxlil | Jan 24 2009, 04:01 PM Post #1 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Liam is taking swimming lessons. He loves to swim, and he's improved a tonne with just one series of lessons. Our local pool has a swim team for ages 5 and up. The head and assistant coaches are both friend of mine. The assistant said that Liam should come out next year. Liam loves the idea - swimming three times a week!? Awesome! It's from 4:30-6:00 three evenings a week. While my schedule is sketchy, my mum has said that she would happily come get him at school then drive him to swim team whenever I needed - even if it was all three nights most of the time. So it's certainly doable. The cost is, as far as I'm concerned, not a big deal. About $350 from September to May if he doesn't want to compete, and an extra $150 if he wants to compete (we'd probably go with no competitions for his first year). That includes a team swim suit. For that much time, I think that's very reasonable. My worry is that Liam has, unfortunately, inherited my hermit-like qualities. He prefers to be at home much of the time. He loves to swim, but I can already picture him not wanting to go just because he's a home body. So, while it's a ways off, I need to start figuring out how to approach this. Do I tell him that once he signs up, he has to complete the whole year (and deal with the whining etc when he doesn't want to go)? Do I risk telling him this and then having him decide that he's not even going to bother signing up because he's afraid he won't like it and will be locked in? Do I just accept the fact that he may decide part way through the year that it's not for him and allow him to stop going? I can relate to his personality, because he got it from me. But I'm not entirely sure how to handle it. |
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| jon-nyc | Jan 24 2009, 04:05 PM Post #2 |
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Cheers
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Man, good question. I have no advice myself but a friend of mine went through a period where his kid (who had loved karate) wanted to quit. My friend said to me at the time that he didn't want to force any particular hobby on his son, but that if he let him he'd quit everything. He made him persevere and in a few months he was excited about it again. |
| In my defense, I was left unsupervised. | |
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| Frank_W | Jan 24 2009, 04:10 PM Post #3 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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My daughter is like that too, Jon. She wants piano lessons, then tires of practicing and quits. She wants ballet lessons, then tires of practicing and quits, etc. etc. So far, swimming and art are the two things that really have captured her interest, so we indulge her and encourage her in those things. Dol, maybe Liam just needs to find his niche. With my daughter, I'm not interested in forcing her to do anything. I find it more important, at this age, that she gets a wide range of exposure to different things. Later, when she has a more definite idea of what she wants to do and has the maturity to persevere, then that's when I'll start pushing her more. And I don't know if I'm a good parent or a bad parent for this... I guess only time will tell. It's tough, isn't it?
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| RosemaryTwo | Jan 24 2009, 04:22 PM Post #4 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Does he have a buddy who might be on the team? I know my boys may be lukewarm on going to something, but if they know a friend who will be there, they run to the car and put their seat belt on. |
| "Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua | |
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| QuirtEvans | Jan 24 2009, 04:23 PM Post #5 |
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
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This has been my approach. In your case, I wouldn't warn him about it in advance, and give him the opportunity to choose not to do it. I'd just let him sign up ... and then, if he doesn't want to go, he simply has to, whining or no whining. And, if he says he wants to quit, THEN you tell him he's not allowed to quit until he's finished the year. With regard to swim team, my kids did it for three years, or maybe it was four. At the beginning, it was their choice ... but by the last year, they no longer wanted to do it. Even so, their mother insisted that they should stick with it ... so I told them that they had to do swim team as a condition of being able to do horseback riding. They decided that was a reasonable deal, so they continued. The next year, when they still didn't want to do it any more, I told their mother that I wasn't going to force them any more. Instead, they've chosen to do karate as their physical activity, and they've stuck with that for a couple of years. The only thing I push them on now is piano. They both have a couple of other musical lessons (one daughter does guitar and sax, the other does songwriting and flute), and karate, and horseback riding ... all of those are their choice. I tell them they have to continue the piano, because I think piano is particularly valuable from several perspectives. The rest is up to them. |
| It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010. | |
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| dolmansaxlil | Jan 24 2009, 04:38 PM Post #6 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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No friends on the team that I know of, though that usually doesn't bother him. He didn't know anyone at swimming lessons, and when he started curling he didn't know anyone (though a buddy of his started coming later on). With t-ball, it was HORRIBLE trying to drag him to it every time. It's not something I particularly want to re-live. It was his choice to play, and he had fun once he was out there (or he says he did) but he dreaded every game. With curling and swimming, he asks me eight million times, starting 4 hours before it's time for them to start, "Can we go yet?" |
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| sue | Jan 24 2009, 04:53 PM Post #7 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Maybe because the curling and swimming are fun, not so competitive? I remember my kid being all excited about T-ball, then hating it (and yes, I let him drop it) because one of the dad coaches yelled at the kids all the time. But he went on to try soccer, loved that and stuck with it. And karate. A lot of that had to do with good instructors/coaches. I'd sign him up, and if he starts not liking it, tell him he needs to stick it out, say till Christmas? then you guys can have another think. Gives him the 'it's not forever' relief, but also the chance to have things turn around and get better. And if he still didn't like it at Christmas, I'd let him try something new. Nobody needs a miserable kid; at home or on the team. |
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| DivaDeb | Jan 24 2009, 04:59 PM Post #8 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Yes. I'm with Quirt...for several reasons. Let the decision be his, but make it a decision to commit, not a decision to give it a try and bale. I think he should decide, based on as much understanding as you can give him of the following realities: 1. It's good for your body and mind to do something physical on a regular basis. 2. It's really good for your self-discipline and is an excellent life skill to learn to challenge yourself to do things even when you don't feel like it. 3. Things cost money...even if it's not money that is a big deal to you, it's money that would be a big deal to somebody...and my point to my kids has always been, our funds are limited...not as limited as some people, but a lot more limited than many. So we need to make an agreement to be good stewards of what we have. That means we consider what we want vs. what we need....and agree that when we make a decision to invest in something, we'll not quit and waste the investment. You will *always* learn from an experience you invest in...there is nothing to be lost by spending time in a pool. We'll work our behinds off to be able to allow our kids to do what they really want/need to do...but it needs to be stuff they are willing to sacrifice for a little themselves. 4. It's excellent preparation for everything about being an adult to have a consistent positive attitude about participating in something even when you don't feel like it. If you let them bale like that I think they miss out the opportunity to find out what happens if you stick to it. In my experience, a couple of little displays of personal integrity, tenacity, and determination can lead to big growth spurts of accomplishment that will provide future motivation to keep at it. Everybody feels lazy once in a while...but indulging it isn't a great habit. 5. Swimming rocks...I was a high school swimmer and life guard. It wasn't that long ago that Liam was hating even the sight of the water....and NOW...look at him! He's grown up so much, to the point that he's maybe gonna be on a swim team! GO LIAM!!! Swimming is such a great sport, exercise, and life skill. It's one of the least likely forms of exercise to cause injury. There is a LOT of camaraderie on swim-teams...I am betting if he starts going, he will have several reasons to want to be there all the time in short order....he's going to make buddies who will miss him if he's not there. Now...having said that....if he is ever whining about not wanting to go, make sure you check his temperature before you tote him off to the pool. Nothing in the world is quite as miserable as to be coming down with something and have to be in a swimsuit in a pool. Been there, done that. Kids can function in some sports when they're a little bit poorly...but swimming is not one of them. Abject misery... |
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| dolmansaxlil | Jan 24 2009, 05:19 PM Post #9 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Wow - everyone is bringing up such great points! Of course, there's no real consensus (of course not! It's parenting!). My tendency would be to do what Sue suggested for the very reason she suggested it - no one wants someone miserable on a team or at home. And with it being three times a week, that's a huge commitment. However, I know that Deb has two lovely daughters who excel at and are dedicated to an activity (not saying others here don't! Just that Deb's daughter's achievements have been very public here) so that certainly speaks to her knowing what she's talking about! One of the things that my friend said is that some kids only come twice a week because of other commitments, and that's not a big deal for the coaches, especially for the younger kids. So I could always hold that in my back pocket. If he's insisting he doesn't want to go, etc, we could negotiate dropping one of the nights in exchange for him not whining about the other two (*snicker) then he would do the remainder of the year (with that option of going three nights a week still open) and then discuss it again then. 4.5 hours per week of any activity is quite a bit for a young kid, so I think that would be a reasonable negotiation if need be. I don't want to be the pushy parent who forces her child to do things he hates - but I also remember what it was like to be a kid and just "not feel like it", but would have lost out on a lot had I been allowed to quit. It's a fine balance! And maybe, just maybe, there won't be any whining (beyond the normal "sheesh, I just don't feel like doing this tonight") and he'll love it. That'd make me very happy. |
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| Frank_W | Jan 24 2009, 05:23 PM Post #10 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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Good luck, Dol -- To you and Liam. You're a great mother and I know you'll make the best decision for him that you can.
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| DivaDeb | Jan 24 2009, 06:12 PM Post #11 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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i think that is a very reasonable thought on the third night. It's good that the coaches are flexible that way because you are right...3 nights is a lot for a little one. Sounds like a healthy environment. Too rigid a training schedule when they are very young is what almost always ensures they will quit before they are old enough to really get much of a competence going. I love swimming, swimmers etc...I hope you'll keep us posted on his progress. I have a friend with a 13 year old daughter who is a first rate competitive swimmer in the UK. It's been great to know of her progress and success over the years. Very serious athlete now...but of course, it all begins with a kid who loves to swim. Rock on, little dude...I bet he loves it. |
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| dolmansaxlil | Jan 24 2009, 06:45 PM Post #12 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Oh, both coaches are great! They are both elementary school teachers who coach swim team and lifeguard in their "spare" time. I've known once since I was 5, and the other is her best friend (he accompanied her to my wedding). They're both really talented and enthusiastic about it, and they just want the kids to love swimming. They also organize and run a triathlon here every year - including a "Try-a-Tri" for kids. While their team isn't highly competitive (I can't remember how their levels work, but it's a competitive rec team, not one that is going to raise a bunch of Olympic athletes), they do a lot of meets and they're really dedicated to the kids. I can't think of a better place for Liam to be! |
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| DivaDeb | Jan 25 2009, 06:28 AM Post #13 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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me either, Dol. As serious as my daughters turned out to be about their sport/dance...I was very very adamant that when they were very young, they were in situations, and with people, where they were having fun and not feeling a bunch of competitive pressure from stupid coaches who think that 10 and Under softball is really some sort of end-goal in life. They were always in the place where the training was the best (skill...you can't fake skill), the adults were encouraging, and the kids were friendly and happy for each other. If that wasn't the mix, we changed teams. UNTIL...they reached high school. At that point, it was no longer a "for fun" thing. It could have been, of course, if they wanted to work and pay for a little summer rec ball, or do dance team at school. But when the time investment and training costs reach a certain level, it is another part of their job. Have fun because you love it, but take it seriously because you've chosen this area to be part of who you are. Amy was responsible for filling out recruiting forms, registering for Maxpreps, returning calls and mail from colleges who were interested in her. Keeping her grades up, making a good showing on her entrance exams, and demonstrating a great work ethic were all key to her college scholarships. She done good. So...I think it is EXTREMELY important that he is in the sort of environment he will be for the time being. Childhood is a time for exploration, a time to try stuff, be great, be bad and get better, learn that number one is fun, but that moving from number ten to number two doesn't suck either. It's a building time. Can't lose with swimming. I am so excited that he likes to swim! |
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It's tough, isn't it?
You're a great mother and I know you'll make the best decision for him that you can.

8:46 AM Jul 13