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Parenting advice sought
Topic Started: Jan 19 2009, 10:02 AM (671 Views)
sue
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HOLY CARP!!!
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 11:29 AM
Sigh.
I took up karate (an adult only class) about the time my son was 10, R2. I enjoyed the punching and kicking exercises. :whome:
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JBryan
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I am the grey one
Quote:
 
:lol2: As long as she lets you have real ones, all is good.


:D Yep.
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
If all else fails, introduce her to your friend RosemaryThree. You know you want to.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Red Rice
HOLY CARP!!!
sue
Jan 19 2009, 11:38 AM
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 11:29 AM
Sigh.
I took up karate (an adult only class) about the time my son was 10, R2. I enjoyed the punching and kicking exercises. :whome:
It's amazing how many moms of pre-teens/teens are in my martial arts class. Now I know why.
Civilisation, I vaguely realized then - and subsequent observation has confirmed the view - could not progress that way. It must have a greater guiding principle to survive. To treat it as a carcase off which each man tears as much as he can for himself, is to stand convicted a brute, fit for nothing better than a jungle existence, which is a death-struggle, leading nowhither. I did not believe that was the human destiny, for Man individually was sane and reasonable, only collectively a fool.

I hope the gunner of that Hun two-seater shot him clean, bullet to heart, and that his plane, on fire, fell like a meteor through the sky he loved. Since he had to end, I hope he ended so. But, oh, the waste! The loss!

- Cecil Lewis
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Dan
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Senior Carp
I'd say let it go with the other parent. Any mention would hold the possibility of an unwanted conflict between you that could leave hard feelings. When I was growing up, my Dad often said something along the lines of "my house, my rules". So if you knew in advance that this parent ate fast food and allowed his children to play with toy guns, then they may have fairly assumed that since you approved the outing you also approved their 'rules' for at least the duration of the outing.

If you didn't do it your first talk with you son, I would discuss the fact that different families have different rules, and that one families set of rules is not 'wrong' and another set 'right'. Instead, the rules for each family are based on the values of the parents and the older children in the family. The rules are different, but neither is better or worse than the other. They're just different.

For example, one family might encourage the purchase of toy guns for children because they are hunters and believe that learning to properly handle guns is something that can be taught safely at a very young age through using toys, etc.

You might also want to let you son know that as he gets older, he can discuss various rules with you if he believes they should be changed or at least relaxed. (I'm thinking more on the fast food here than the guns mind you). When he gets to middle school and has more freedom to visit friends, it might be a good time to talk about fast food and perhaps relax the rule so he can enjoy an outing with his friends. It would in my opinion be better for him to know he can discuss a rule he would like to modify than for him to believe he needs to sneak around and break rules because you're unwilling to listen to his thoughts on those rules.

Dan
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sue
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HOLY CARP!!!
Red Rice
Jan 19 2009, 11:46 AM
sue
Jan 19 2009, 11:38 AM
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 11:29 AM
Sigh.
I took up karate (an adult only class) about the time my son was 10, R2. I enjoyed the punching and kicking exercises. :whome:
It's amazing how many moms of pre-teens/teens are in my martial arts class. Now I know why.
Better parenting, through beating the living snot out of those blue kick pads. :hat:
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Dan
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Senior Carp
sue
Jan 19 2009, 12:03 PM
Red Rice
Jan 19 2009, 11:46 AM
sue
Jan 19 2009, 11:38 AM
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 11:29 AM
Sigh.
I took up karate (an adult only class) about the time my son was 10, R2. I enjoyed the punching and kicking exercises. :whome:
It's amazing how many moms of pre-teens/teens are in my martial arts class. Now I know why.
Better parenting, through beating the living snot out of those blue kick pads. :hat:
... instead of your neighbors.

(or children)
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Thanks, Dan. I appreciate your thoughtful post. I agree with many of your insights.

Parenting is complex.

Martial arts may be the best advice I've gotten today. Punching and kicking a bag sounds great right now.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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musicasacra
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HOLY CARP!!!
Dan
Jan 19 2009, 11:52 AM
I'd say let it go with the other parent. Any mention would hold the possibility of an unwanted conflict between you that could leave hard feelings. When I was growing up, my Dad often said something along the lines of "my house, my rules". So if you knew in advance that this parent ate fast food and allowed his children to play with toy guns, then they may have fairly assumed that since you approved the outing you also approved their 'rules' for at least the duration of the outing.

I agree with that point, Dan. If you're letting your kid spend time with another family, you're trusting the other family's judgments on food, activities, etc. If you have concerns, raise them graciously as things your kid is accustomed to, etc., and the other family will probably try to accommodate as much as possible.

I think that's an important point -- kids have to learn how to best conduct themselves when they're in different environments with different expectations than those at home.
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Kincaid
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HOLY CARP!!!
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 10:02 AM
One of my rules...is no toy guns
I completely agree. I tried to enforce this rule in my own house, but my wife said I could not give a five-shot small frame .38 cal. Smith & Wesson to my daughter until she is twelve. So, for now, toy gun it is.
Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006.
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apple
one of the angels
i think it is important that a parent's rules do not make the kid stand out from the norm.

My parents never let me go to a party, i couldn't do anything.. not go to movies.. i had to pray constantly.. I absolutely hated them at the time because no one else had to live such a strict life. Needless to say, i went way overboard in college and was not able to make wise decisions for myself.

In establishing parameters for my children, I give them wide platitudes to guide them and hope they acquire the ability to choose wisely.

As to other parents.. my thought is that it would be no big deal if they were to step outside my lines occasionally. I would certainly never confront them... I'd talk to my kid about fast food and nutritional content, and maybe donate that silly toy gun.
it behooves me to behold
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QuirtEvans
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 10:02 AM
Parents have different rules for their children.

Parents disagree over what rules are appropriate, but they get to decide for their own children.

One of my rules (okay, two of my rules) is no toy guns and we never eat fast food.

My 10-year-old is on an academic team for the second year in a row, with a parent coach (same parent for 2 years now). They meet for at least 4 hours a week.

The parent coach asked if she could take my son shopping yesterday with her son for supplies for the project. I consented.

My son came home with a toy revolver that the other mom bought him. They ate lunch at Burger King.

I think it's more than likely that this parent knows me well enough to know that this would either be against our house rules or at least would likely be against our house rules.

She has rules for her son that I don't have for mine (she has no TV in her house and I let my son watch some TV, but when her son comes over, the TV stays off out of respect to her).

I dealt with my son last night, by saying that he took advantage of this mother's offer to buy him a toy by selecting something he knows is not allowed in our house. We agreed he can use it for an Indiana Jones Halloween costume, but no pretend shooting (which renders this toy virtually useless, as it is not part of a game or anything, just a gun-metal gray plastic revolver). He knows I am disappointed in him and he understands in the future that he cannot use other parents to circumvent our rules.

Do I say anything to the mother? I am struggling with the right thing to do in this situation. I will see her this afternoon, and I'm sure their day out together will come up.

Please no advice on my rules, they are what they are and I'm not looking for arguments on why toy guns or fast food are fine. I am more annoyed with the fast food than I am angry; I recognize fast food is a fact of life that I cannot control as my kids get older. My son had no control over where they had lunch. This parent consisently feeds them garbage (Pizza hunt cinnamon pizzas, Chips Ahoy, Doritos, never a fruit or vegetable).

I'm angry, but I want to be a decent parent and adult.

Serious advice to handle the short-term problem and long-term relationship will be appreciated and considered.
Caveat: I haven't read any of the responses yet. My answer is unfiltered by other opinions.

When my kids are at someone else's house, I expect them to abide by their rules. If I don't like their rules, I don't let them go to that house. (Which has never happened.)

I think you handled it properly with respect to your kid. I think you should tell the other parent that you're disappointed in your own child ... he knows he's not allowed to play with toy guns, and yet he let her buy one for him.

If she has any couth at all, she'll apologize.

At which point you say, "That's all right, I'm sure you didn't know it was against our rules."
It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010.
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QuirtEvans
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 10:24 AM
Thanks, I appreciate the thoughtful responses. Really, I do. All of them.

The parent coach orders lunch for the kids once a week (they usually meet on Sundays for 4-5 hours). All the parents pitched in $50 for snacks at the beginning of the year. She has Pizza Hut cinammon pizza delivered or brings Chips Ahoy, etc.

Do I drop off some sliced apples, saying I thought I could do something helpful, to supplement the pizza? Or am I just being the difficult parent, and should I look away.

It doesn't help that this parent is abrupt/rude. She is wonderful with the kids and my son loves being involved. I just hate feeling like I need to drop my values to get along.

I don't know why I'm so angry right now.
Look away. You can't control everything.
It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010.
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QuirtEvans
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
By the way, I try to be incredibly respectful about what other parents would not allow.

Example: World of Warcraft. My kids play. They want to play with their friends. But they also know that their friends are not allowed to play unless the parents approve it. The parents have to be asked, in advance. I've been known to call someone on the cellphone, as they are driving down the driveway, to ask them, if the kids have forgotten to check.

Also, whenever I drop off a kid or a kid is picked up from here, I'm always careful to let the parent know what foods have been consumed. That way, if I've gone astray, I find out about it right away (hopefully).
It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010.
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Quote:
 
By the way, I try to be incredibly respectful about what other parents would not allow.


It boils down to respect, yes.

If I know a kids parents don't want something around their children (fish served on Fridays; television; computer games -- whatever) then I honor those wishes, even if I don't have the same rules.

FWIW, the topic didn't come up when I saw the woman yesterday. I politely thanked her for the afternoon out and that was it.

She knows I don't allow guns, she didn't apologize, I am letting it go. I will continue to honor her rule of no TV when her son comes to my house.

I live my life as I see fit, and I respect others who do so differently. She is a caring parent.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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Rainman
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Fulla-Carp
When my son was little, we used to have all kinds of fun with toy guns, laser pistols, bow and arrows, you name it, we did it, many times! We'd play with his zillion GI-Joes, line them up, make paper airplanes, bomb 'em, death and destruction everywhere. We'd take apart his toys, I'd get larger motors from Radio Shack, beef them suckers up to 9 volt. Little soldiers would somehow stumble into a spinning propeller, scream, fly across the room. Awful Dad, huh?

Well, now he's in his early 20's. Did he turn out a foaming at the mouth, gun tot'n maniac? No, sorry. He's a very kind, soft-spoken, intelligent young man with a master's degree (and the ability to retrofit toys with bigger motors of course).

He also enjoys chowing down on a Big Mac or equivalent. Don't know. . .maybe he will live to be only 89 instead of 90 because of this unhealthy activity?

Funny thing sometimes: the more you (as a parent) say "I don't allow THAT" the older they get, and the more they want to do exactly what you disallowed. Who knows why, beats me. Kids are so complicated, much easier to train a dog.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
I think I would hold your son accountable for the gun. He knows he's not allowed to play with toy guns. I think you handled that one well. I would not say anything to the other parent, as the likelihood of this occurring again is pretty miniscule. As others have said, pick your battles carefully, be it with your kids or other parents.

Regarding the fast food? A whopper or a piece of pizza will not undo the good nutrition you provide them on a regular basis, and you really cannot stop these things from happening occasionally. It won't hurt them in frequency it occurs. Let it go.

The real issue is you feel this parent does not respect you. Minimize the time your son spends with her, and don't encourage further involvement. She'll be out of your life soon enough.




Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Thanks, Mik. I think you nailed it, too.

Rainman, I'm sure your son is wonderful. My point was never to point fingers at the parenting of anyone. The point is not my rules and whether they make sense or I should change them (I'm open to changing my mind, really), but how I was offended when another parent blatantly ignored them.

Parenting is difficult. So is getting along with others sometimes.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
RosemaryTwo
Jan 20 2009, 04:44 PM
Parenting is difficult. So is getting along with others sometimes.
That's why you're here. It's a refresher course for *plays well with others*. Remember that one in grade school? :lol2:
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
We had 'works and plays well with others'.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Renauda
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HOLY CARP!!!
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 10:02 AM
One of my rules (okay, two of my rules) is no toy guns and we never eat fast food.

My 10-year-old is on an academic team for the second year in a row, with a parent coach (same parent for 2 years now). They meet for at least 4 hours a week.

The parent coach asked if she could take my son shopping yesterday with her son for supplies for the project. I consented.

My son came home with a toy revolver that the other mom bought him. They ate lunch at Burger King.

I suggest that you make it clear to your son that henceforth when he returns home from an outing with this coach/parent, you will meet him at the door, strip search him for toy firearms and administer a cleansing intestinal purgative such as a wholesome and delicious glass of prune juice mixed with a tablespoon of cascara oil before he proceeds into the house.
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