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Parenting advice sought
Topic Started: Jan 19 2009, 10:02 AM (672 Views)
RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Parents have different rules for their children.

Parents disagree over what rules are appropriate, but they get to decide for their own children.

One of my rules (okay, two of my rules) is no toy guns and we never eat fast food.

My 10-year-old is on an academic team for the second year in a row, with a parent coach (same parent for 2 years now). They meet for at least 4 hours a week.

The parent coach asked if she could take my son shopping yesterday with her son for supplies for the project. I consented.

My son came home with a toy revolver that the other mom bought him. They ate lunch at Burger King.

I think it's more than likely that this parent knows me well enough to know that this would either be against our house rules or at least would likely be against our house rules.

She has rules for her son that I don't have for mine (she has no TV in her house and I let my son watch some TV, but when her son comes over, the TV stays off out of respect to her).

I dealt with my son last night, by saying that he took advantage of this mother's offer to buy him a toy by selecting something he knows is not allowed in our house. We agreed he can use it for an Indiana Jones Halloween costume, but no pretend shooting (which renders this toy virtually useless, as it is not part of a game or anything, just a gun-metal gray plastic revolver). He knows I am disappointed in him and he understands in the future that he cannot use other parents to circumvent our rules.

Do I say anything to the mother? I am struggling with the right thing to do in this situation. I will see her this afternoon, and I'm sure their day out together will come up.

Please no advice on my rules, they are what they are and I'm not looking for arguments on why toy guns or fast food are fine. I am more annoyed with the fast food than I am angry; I recognize fast food is a fact of life that I cannot control as my kids get older. My son had no control over where they had lunch. This parent consisently feeds them garbage (Pizza hunt cinnamon pizzas, Chips Ahoy, Doritos, never a fruit or vegetable).

I'm angry, but I want to be a decent parent and adult.

Serious advice to handle the short-term problem and long-term relationship will be appreciated and considered.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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The 89th Key
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Since it sounds like you'll be chatting about their day out...I'd bring it up and just say "By the way, I dont think you knew, but I have a rule about no toy guns, etc...etc....and I've already talked to my son about how he knew this and took advantage of the situation."

I'm no parent...but I'd keep it light and friendly and just say that these are some of your rules and that your son should have brought it up. Just so she's aware in the future.
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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
I'd mention it, but I'd keep it lighthearted - something along the lines of 'the little bugger managed to get you to buy him a gun, even though he knows it's against the rules' - that way you can keep the whole thing friendly, and maybe even make a bit of a joke about how awful kids are, but also give her the message.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Piano*Dad
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Bull-Carp
The toy gun part of things may be the easiest of the two.

Children are saturated in a fast food culture (fat food culture?). There is little you can do to control what happens to them in social circumstances without ostracizing them among their peers or forcing others (parents, coaches etc) to treat them as though they are the food version of bubble children.

You CAN set an example at home and you can talk about the negative aspects of our culture (as you define it) with the hope that you will be giving them ammunition to say no, or at least providing them the intellectual and habitual background for making their own choices over time. ..... as my youngest just sits down to finish off junk from Taco Bell supplied by a church function. :whome:

In my view, expecting perfection here is asking too much, and demanding it in all circumstances may cause its own set of issues.
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Friday
Senior Carp
Yes let go of the anger. If feeding her kids junk is what she does, it probably didn't occur to her to get something healthy for your son. Either that or she was lazy.

Definitely say something. Definitely keep it light.

And I would limit the amount of time my kid spends with her.
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Thanks, I appreciate the thoughtful responses. Really, I do. All of them.

The parent coach orders lunch for the kids once a week (they usually meet on Sundays for 4-5 hours). All the parents pitched in $50 for snacks at the beginning of the year. She has Pizza Hut cinammon pizza delivered or brings Chips Ahoy, etc.

Do I drop off some sliced apples, saying I thought I could do something helpful, to supplement the pizza? Or am I just being the difficult parent, and should I look away.

It doesn't help that this parent is abrupt/rude. She is wonderful with the kids and my son loves being involved. I just hate feeling like I need to drop my values to get along.

I don't know why I'm so angry right now.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Yes, Friday, you're right, I'm not going to give up my son to her for an entire afternoon so easily again.

I'll say something. I'll keep it light. I'll let go of my anger.

Do I cut up apples/bananas for future afternoons?

[deep breathing]
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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sue
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HOLY CARP!!!
Quote:
 
I think it's more than likely that this parent knows me well enough to know that this would either be against our house rules or at least would likely be against our house rules.


I'd be tempted to take the high road, and say nothing. I think this is between you and your son, and you've had that conversation.

I think the fact that you respect her parenting rules (the no tv thing), gives your son a good lesson.
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Piano*Dad
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Bull-Carp
Quote:
 
Do I cut up apples/bananas for future afternoons?


Sure! But be prepared for failure. If you give them just to your son, he may very well throw them away to avoid standing out. Or if you provide for the group and the rest of the kids roll their eyes and throw them away, then your son likely will follow suit. Again, the peer group is very difficult to resist at certain ages.

This is one reason why selecting the right peer group is important if you want the peer response to reinforce your values instead of conflicting with them. Alternatively, you may have to set aside your feelings to allow certain activities where things will happen that you simply cannot control or influence, but where those activities are good for your son for other reasons (like team camaraderie, for instance). Then you use home time to openly discuss why those other activities are different and why they are not allowed to change behavior at home.


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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Thanks, Sue, I appreciate your insight.

This is one of those moments where I feel like creating an angry mom scene. Those are never good though, and I'd definitely be taking the low road. I'd regret that later, but boy, it would feel good at the time.

This mom and I actually have a lot in common. We're both vegetarians, we take our sons to musical events, we run into each other at the recycling station.

But for all our similarities, we part ways significantly in other areas.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Thanks, PD, good insight.

You're right, he's at a tough age b/c he is more independent and I'm losing control over what he eats and where he goes.

The group of kids he is with are good -- this is an extra-curricular academic activity. They're all studious and industrious. That's part of the reason I'm surprised the mother and I see things so differently. There are 7 kids on his team -- I would have cut up fruit for the group.

As I discuss this more, I think it's also this woman's personality. She is abrupt/dismissive at times -- some would say just rude. I think she lacks interpersonal skills but the kids love her. After a few years, I'm just fed up with being the polite one.

"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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Piano*Dad
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Bull-Carp
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 10:37 AM
I think she lacks interpersonal skills but the kids love her.
Well, that sounds like a typical ten year old to me. :lol2:
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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
How ever you decide to handle it, keep in mind not to embarrass your son. That could cause him down the road to not confide in you and keep things secret, cause MOM will only embarrass him in front of his friends. Sometimes, for the good of the child, that's not possible.

My best advice, as a father who has been there, pick your battles wisely.
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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big al
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Bull-Carp
I think the key issue is whether the other mother knew of your prohibitions and deliberately breached them. If you were certain that she did know and that they were hard rules, not simply preferences, you'd have to rethink whteher you can remain friends with someone so set on her own way or so opposed to your values.

If there is some doubt, I think the "I should have told you that..." type of approach is the way to start finding out exactly what ground you're standing on.

I would also propose rethinking at least the rule concerning fast food. I don't think fast food once in awhile is going to harm any child unless it involves a serious food allergy. I think it is useful to be able to eat most things that may be presented in different circumstances and occasions. (I'm also wondering how harmful anything that a vegetarian might find to eat at Burger King could be.) I think it is unrealistic to expect people feeding a group to accommodate many different desires for menu. I think the best that can be hoped for is enough variety so that everyone can find something that they can eat.

Big Al
Location: Western PA

"jesu, der simcha fun der man's farlangen."
-bachophile
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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
Al... she said:

Quote:
 
Please no advice on my rules, they are what they are and I'm not looking for arguments on why toy guns or fast food are fine.
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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big al
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Bull-Carp
Well, if R2 came to a forum to find people who follow rules established by the starter of each thread, she certainly picked the wrong forum.

Big Al
Location: Western PA

"jesu, der simcha fun der man's farlangen."
-bachophile
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sue
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HOLY CARP!!!
RosemaryTwo
Jan 19 2009, 10:33 AM
Thanks, Sue, I appreciate your insight.

This is one of those moments where I feel like creating an angry mom scene. Those are never good though, and I'd definitely be taking the low road. I'd regret that later, but boy, it would feel good at the time.

This mom and I actually have a lot in common. We're both vegetarians, we take our sons to musical events, we run into each other at the recycling station.

But for all our similarities, we part ways significantly in other areas.
I totally understand how you're feeling. Been there, done that.

But looking back now, I can really see that my son figured out, and respected 'our' rules, and having someone else do things differently didn't change his behaviour. If anything, he became more aware of how good he had it at home, and what things really mattered.
I can say that now, easily, 'cause I'm over that bridge, but I really understand where you're coming from.

But I have to say, if I'd chipped in $50 for snacks, I'd say something about what those snacks are. Be very different if she was treating them.

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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
Al,

True...true.

I've run into the same thing as R2 in this regard. Hell, I'm dealing with it with my own daughter and grandchildren. Through all of it, my number one guiding rule was, "you can't raise other peoples children."
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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Axtremus
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HOLY CARP!!!
0. Re: your current issue with the parent who did not enforce your rule -- let it go, it's too late to do anything productive.

1. Your rules suck.

2. In the future, only let other parents who have signed legally binding agreements to enforce your clearly stated rules handle your kids. It's otherwise difficult to argue which parent has jurisdiction when/where, and I don't believe there is commonly accepted norms across communities.
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Improviso
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HOLY CARP!!!
Axtremus
Jan 19 2009, 11:18 AM
1. Your rules suck.
What the...

Ax.. you appear to have PMS this week.
Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments
and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism.

We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences.
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JBryan
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I am the grey one
My wife won't let me have toy guns either.
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
I have my own rules. I'm not naive, though, I know I have to compromise to get along in the real world. Also, I don't set up situations that unreasonably embarass my children.

When my son goes to other boys' houses, I'm sure there are toy guns and he plays with them. I'm a vegetarian, but I let him eat meat. I'm not an authoritarian nut ball -- I teach my sons about respect and moderation.

OTOH, I don't think I need to always give in to get along. I was offended that another parent would buy my son a toy gun. I am not going to complain about the fast food, but was wondering if others thought I should try to bring some fruit along to these weekly meetings in the future.

I asked for insight here b/c there are posters here whose opinions I respect, and I wanted some perspective. I appreciate you all sharing.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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ivorythumper
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
big al
Jan 19 2009, 11:06 AM
Well, if R2 came to a forum to find people who follow rules established by the starter of each thread, she certainly picked the wrong forum.

Big Al
:lol2:
The dogma lives loudly within me.
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Good advice about the high road, Sue.

Respect toward others goes a long way. This I know my sons will learn, and will demonstrate as they grow into adulthood.

Sigh.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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ivorythumper
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
JBryan
Jan 19 2009, 11:23 AM
My wife won't let me have toy guns either.
:lol2: As long as she lets you have real ones, all is good.
The dogma lives loudly within me.
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