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| Marriage | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 13 2009, 01:49 PM (226 Views) | |
| jon-nyc | Jan 13 2009, 01:49 PM Post #1 |
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Cheers
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" *********** My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror, she was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's damned near perfect." |
| In my defense, I was left unsupervised. | |
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| big al | Jan 13 2009, 01:53 PM Post #2 |
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Bull-Carp
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A husband and wife are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up and says, "Yes dear I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that is right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He responds, "Well honey, as I remember I said, "Ohhhhhhhh baby, I am going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that is it. That is exactly what you said. So, now it is sixty years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looks up and down at her and replies, "Mission Accomplished!" Big Al |
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Location: Western PA "jesu, der simcha fun der man's farlangen." -bachophile | |
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| Red Rice | Jan 13 2009, 01:54 PM Post #3 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Civilisation, I vaguely realized then - and subsequent observation has confirmed the view - could not progress that way. It must have a greater guiding principle to survive. To treat it as a carcase off which each man tears as much as he can for himself, is to stand convicted a brute, fit for nothing better than a jungle existence, which is a death-struggle, leading nowhither. I did not believe that was the human destiny, for Man individually was sane and reasonable, only collectively a fool. I hope the gunner of that Hun two-seater shot him clean, bullet to heart, and that his plane, on fire, fell like a meteor through the sky he loved. Since he had to end, I hope he ended so. But, oh, the waste! The loss! - Cecil Lewis | |
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| ivorythumper | Jan 13 2009, 01:59 PM Post #4 |
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
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to both of you!
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| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
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| George K | Jan 13 2009, 02:03 PM Post #5 |
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Finally
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I ran into my ex-wife at a bar. Since our divorce was acrimonious, and caused by the fact that she was seeing someone else, I was, understandably bitter about the whole thing. We started talking, and I found that she had married the boyfriend. "So," I asked, "how does your new husband like making love to a used woman?" "After he gets past the used part, he likes it just fine." |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Improviso | Jan 13 2009, 02:23 PM Post #6 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Jon.. rachel reads your post and you won't get a chance to explain. U just gonna' die.
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Improviso | Jan 13 2009, 02:24 PM Post #7 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Al's next in line.
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Improviso | Jan 13 2009, 02:29 PM Post #8 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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I myself would never post a disparaging marriage joke. Plays is sitting about three feet from me and would knock me out cold before I ever got to hit the post button.
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Red Rice | Jan 13 2009, 02:40 PM Post #9 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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You're pudding-whipped.
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Civilisation, I vaguely realized then - and subsequent observation has confirmed the view - could not progress that way. It must have a greater guiding principle to survive. To treat it as a carcase off which each man tears as much as he can for himself, is to stand convicted a brute, fit for nothing better than a jungle existence, which is a death-struggle, leading nowhither. I did not believe that was the human destiny, for Man individually was sane and reasonable, only collectively a fool. I hope the gunner of that Hun two-seater shot him clean, bullet to heart, and that his plane, on fire, fell like a meteor through the sky he loved. Since he had to end, I hope he ended so. But, oh, the waste! The loss! - Cecil Lewis | |
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| Improviso | Jan 13 2009, 02:59 PM Post #10 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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good lord.. you're right RR. I need to stand up like a man and not be pudding-whipped. Why.. the next thing you know... I've got the reputation of being a pussyman... can't have that.Ok.. here goes, she not looking. A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?" |
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| Dan | Jan 13 2009, 02:59 PM Post #11 |
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Senior Carp
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Got these today from my brother-in-law. Enjoy! My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------------------ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --- I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started.... ------------ --------- --------- --------- ----- My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.... |
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| Red Rice | Jan 13 2009, 03:01 PM Post #12 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Civilisation, I vaguely realized then - and subsequent observation has confirmed the view - could not progress that way. It must have a greater guiding principle to survive. To treat it as a carcase off which each man tears as much as he can for himself, is to stand convicted a brute, fit for nothing better than a jungle existence, which is a death-struggle, leading nowhither. I did not believe that was the human destiny, for Man individually was sane and reasonable, only collectively a fool. I hope the gunner of that Hun two-seater shot him clean, bullet to heart, and that his plane, on fire, fell like a meteor through the sky he loved. Since he had to end, I hope he ended so. But, oh, the waste! The loss! - Cecil Lewis | |
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| Red Rice | Jan 13 2009, 03:02 PM Post #13 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Dan's post is kind of a Master Class in what not to say to your wife. |
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Civilisation, I vaguely realized then - and subsequent observation has confirmed the view - could not progress that way. It must have a greater guiding principle to survive. To treat it as a carcase off which each man tears as much as he can for himself, is to stand convicted a brute, fit for nothing better than a jungle existence, which is a death-struggle, leading nowhither. I did not believe that was the human destiny, for Man individually was sane and reasonable, only collectively a fool. I hope the gunner of that Hun two-seater shot him clean, bullet to heart, and that his plane, on fire, fell like a meteor through the sky he loved. Since he had to end, I hope he ended so. But, oh, the waste! The loss! - Cecil Lewis | |
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| George K | Jan 13 2009, 03:12 PM Post #14 |
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Finally
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Things you don't say to your wife. |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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to both of you!
good lord.. you're right RR. I need to stand up like a man and not be pudding-whipped. Why.. the next thing you know... I've got the reputation of being a pussyman... can't have that.

4:32 PM Jul 10