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Jokes
Topic Started: Dec 11 2008, 07:24 PM (948 Views)
George K
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Finally
Waiting for the obligatory couch advertisement.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Pianolicious
Senior Carp
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.

What do you call a closet a lesbian might hide in?

The licker cabinet.

What's another name for a lesbian?

A Vagitarian.

What did the gay guy say to the Bishop on easter sunday when the procession passed him and the Bishop was waving the incense vesper?

"Honey! Your dress is FLAWLESS!!! But your purse is on fire!!!"
Sit tibi vita longa et omnia bona!!! -- Dr. Spock
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A dog's prayer:



Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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T3h B34r
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Junior Carp
WOOF!!! (wag wag wag wag...)
O hai. I can haz big dinnerz?

If you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away. (and leave big p00pz!)

The Great Pyrenees
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Me and a couple of friends went to a strip club the other day. As the first girl started dancing, she came over to where we were sitting and stuck her butt out at one of my friends. He took out a twenty dollar bill, licked it, and slapped it onto her left butt cheek, where it stuck. She danced over to the next one, and he pulled out a fifty, licked it, and stuck it to her other butt cheek. Then she danced her way over to me..

I pulled out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, got my 70 bucks change, and got up and went home....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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George K
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Finally
Larry
Dec 14 2008, 08:59 PM

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
Posted Image

A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
And old man is driving down the interstate when his cell phone rang. He answers it, and it's his wife. "Herman, be very careful out there - there's a car going the wrong way down the interstate!"

Herman says... "It's not just one, Bertha - it's hundreds of them!"

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A 90 year old man marries a 19 year old girl. He's got lots of money, and she thinks he'll kick the bucket pretty quick during sex and she'll get it all..

So they get in bed, and the old man just wears her out! Then, he passes out from exhaustion.

He wakes up about an hour later, looks at her, hops on and just wears her out again! Then, he passes out again..

He wakes up about an hour later, looks at her, and she says.. "I don't think I can take any more of this. How are you able to do this?"

The old man says... "who are you?"

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A fat guy starts working out at the gym. After showering off some really pumped guys are making fun of him. One says "Man you are really fat, When was the last time you saw you penis?" The fat guy says "Gee I don't really remember." Another guy says "Have you ever tried to diet?" and the fat guy says "DIET? What color is now?"
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Purple Penis:

Ingredients:

* 2 oz Vodka
* 1/2 oz Blue Curacao
* 1/2 oz Chambord raspberry liqueur
* Sweet and sour mix
* Cranberry juice

Mixing instructions:

Fill a pint glass with ice and add first three ingredients. Mix well. Fill with equal parts sweet and sour mix and cranberry juice. Stir. Fill shot glass as desired.
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Posted Image
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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brenda
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..............
Larry! That is tooooo funny!
“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
~A.A. Milne
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Claude Ball
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Middle Aged Carp
We're gonna perform the 12 days of Christmas.
Dain bramage caused my peach imspediment.
Tooth? Tooth? You can't handle the tooth!
Remember: He who laughs last, thinks slowest.....
DON'T BEND OVER IN THE GARDEN, MARGARET - THEM TATER'S GOT EYES!
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
:lol2:
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....


A woman was invited for a night out with the 'girls.' She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "MIDNIGHT." He didn't seem pissed off in the least. "Whew, I got away with that one!" she thought to herself.... Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh f**k.' Then it cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
:lol2:
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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JBryan
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I am the grey one
OMFG! :lol:
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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George K
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Finally
I heard that with the girl saying to the guy, "You must be an anesthesiologist..."
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Frank_W
Member Avatar
Resident Misanthrope
:lol2: OMG...
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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JBryan
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I am the grey one
TMI, George.
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
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George K
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Finally
The Jewish Dog:


Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it s out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said Fetch, not Kvetch."
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
:lol2:
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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ivorythumper
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
The dogma lives loudly within me.
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PhJ
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Senior Carp
So this 30-something jewish lad finally decided to introduce his mother to the girlfriend he's been dating the last couple of months.

He brings his mother to a reception the gf is attending.

- Mother, do you see the 3 women talking there on the right ?
- Yes, I do. Is she the one with the red dress ?
- wait, wh.. How do you know ?!!?!
- Well, I don't know, but I definitely don't like her.
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