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Jokes
Topic Started: Dec 11 2008, 07:24 PM (950 Views)
Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
kenny
Dec 12 2008, 08:51 PM
Larry
Dec 12 2008, 09:43 AM
I not ever getting married again... I'm just gonna go out every 4 or 5 years, find a woman I hate, and buy her a house.....
Hey Lar, please hate me. :woot:
Won't help.

You have no tits...
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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bachophile
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HOLY CARP!!!
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
*
*

*She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
*
*
"Very good!" said the teacher "Who said 'Government of the People, by
the People, for the People,
*
*shall not perish from the Earth?' "
*
*
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"
said Chandrasekhar.
*
*
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."
*
*
She heard a loud whisper: "Fcuk the Indians,"
*
*
"Who said that?" she demanded.
*
*
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
*
*
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
*
*
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
*
*
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."
*
*
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
*
*
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
*
*
*
*Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little sh1t. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."
*
*
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
*
*
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh sh1t, we're fcuked!"
*
*
Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was Hank Paulson 2008."*
"I don't know much about classical music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg did on their wedding night." Woody Allen
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George K
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Finally
Posted Image

A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!


The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked and horrified to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
:lol2:
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says............ "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk"
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
:lol2:
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Posted Image

Posted Image
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
:lol2: Oh man...
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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George K
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Finally
Just checked. About half of those are real, the others have been either changed or lapsed - with good reason, I might add.

Real:
http://www.speedofart.com/
http://www.therapistfinder.com/
http://www.penisland.net/
http://www.gotahoenorth.com/

A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Did you hear about the rich arab who bought a herd of cows?

Yep....

he became a milk sheik.....

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem?
He thought that nobody important was out to get him.


Did you hear about the kid who was named after his father?
Yep.... they named him Dad.....
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.' "

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking."
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Ok.. I'm going to bed now.....

I'd tell you why I'm up this late, but Jack just wouldn't believe it........

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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George K
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Finally
Did you hear about the guy who had an MRI to see if he was claustrophobic?
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?

He was repossessed.



Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably....


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.....


Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Pianolicious
Senior Carp
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death at the drive-in movie theatre?

They went to see "CLOSED FOR THE WINTER"
Sit tibi vita longa et omnia bona!!! -- Dr. Spock
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Pianolicious
Senior Carp
A guy walks into the office pale and exhausted looking. His coworker says "my God man you look awful! What happened to you? The guy says "I got raped by an elephant last night" and he pulls his pants down. Sure enough his butthole is the size of a dinner plate. The coworker says "I happen to know something about zoology and I know that an elephant's peenis is only about 4 inches long and thin." The guys said "yeah I know but he fingered me first!!!"
Sit tibi vita longa et omnia bona!!! -- Dr. Spock
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Pianolicious
Senior Carp
How do you know when there's an orgy at Michael Jackson's house?

All the tricycles parked out front. . .
Sit tibi vita longa et omnia bona!!! -- Dr. Spock
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Bernard
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Senior Carp
Overheard 'round Christmas time...

"Did you get any under the tree?"
"I think your balls are hanging too low."
"Check out Rudolph’s Honker!"
"Santa’s sack is really bulging."
""Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath."
"Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?"
"I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy."
"From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real."
"Can I interest you in some dark meat?"
"To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall."
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Bernard
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Senior Carp
The Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
Did you hear the one about the guy who got really really depressed during the holidays?

I'm sure there must be something funny about that...

Back to the drawing board, I guess...
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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George K
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Finally
This thread (or one like it) should be pinned.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Phlebas
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Bull-Carp
George K
Dec 13 2008, 11:21 AM
Just checked. About half of those are real, the others have been either changed or lapsed - with good reason, I might add.

Real:
http://www.speedofart.com/
http://www.therapistfinder.com/
http://www.penisland.net/
http://www.gotahoenorth.com/


Posted Image

Quote:
 
"AT MASTER BAITER'S SPORTFISHING & TACKLE: WE WON'T JERK YOU AROUND"
Random FML: Today, I was fired by my boss in front of my coworkers. It would have been nice if I could have left the building before they started celebrating. FML

The founding of the bulk of the world's nation states post 1914 is based on self-defined nationalisms. The bulk of those national movements involve territory that was ethnically mixed. The foundation of many of those nation states involved population movements in the aftermath. When the only one that is repeatedly held up as unjust and unjustifiable is the Zionist project, the term anti-semitism may very well be appropriate. - P*D


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