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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 11 2008, 07:24 PM (947 Views) | |
| Larry | Dec 11 2008, 07:24 PM Post #1 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Dec 11 2008, 07:30 PM Post #2 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Dec 11 2008, 07:33 PM Post #3 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| jon-nyc | Dec 11 2008, 10:12 PM Post #4 |
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Cheers
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that first one is really funny |
| In my defense, I was left unsupervised. | |
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| Mikhailoh | Dec 12 2008, 06:35 AM Post #5 |
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
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And you think lawyers don't have hearts. The best lawyer story of all time...bar none. > > > The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the > city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. > > The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even > though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?' > > The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show > you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge > medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' > > Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.' > > 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled > veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? > > The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off > again. > > 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a > dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three > children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities > requiring an array of private tutors?' > > The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I > had no idea.' > > And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?' |
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Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 08:10 AM Post #6 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future" The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet" Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 08:14 AM Post #7 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Important Women's Health Issue: Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration Loss of motor control Loss of clothing Loss of money Loss of virginity Table dancing Head ache Dehydration Dry mouth And a desire to sing Karaoke WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 08:18 AM Post #8 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Frank_W | Dec 12 2008, 08:24 AM Post #9 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 08:27 AM Post #10 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of stuff lying around on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog? 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Frank_W | Dec 12 2008, 08:29 AM Post #11 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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On the other hand, most women (when they're sober, anyway...) won't sh!t on the rug. |
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 09:37 AM Post #12 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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No - but sooner or later, they will on you......
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Frank_W | Dec 12 2008, 09:41 AM Post #13 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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Some men pay good money for that, I hear. ![]() (Some men don't realize they are paying good money for it, until it happens!)
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 09:43 AM Post #14 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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I not ever getting married again... I'm just gonna go out every 4 or 5 years, find a woman I hate, and buy her a house..... |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Frank_W | Dec 12 2008, 09:52 AM Post #15 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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Sounds like a plan. In a park, there was a statue of a man and one of a woman. For years, they had gazed longingly at each other. One day, a fairy appeared to them and said, "I will grant you fifteen minutes of life, and she waved her wand. They leapt off of their pedestals, scampered off into the bushes, and after five or six minutes of rustling around, they reappeared, both of them looking happy, flushed, and breathless. The fairy said, "You still have seven minutes left!" The woman turns to the man and says, "Great!! This time, YOU hold the pigeon and I'LL sh!t on it!!" |
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 12:37 PM Post #16 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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An old couple on their 50th wedding anniversary decided to go back to where they went on their honeymoon. They got the same room they had before, everything. That night they were walking along the grounds, when the wife said "Honey, you remember how we made love in those bushes on our honeymoon night? What do you say we give it a try again!" The husband was all for it, so they headed into the bushes. A security guard patrolling the grounds overheard their conversation, but decided he'd not bother them about it, finding it amusing, and romantic.. But almost as soon as the couple were hidden among the bushes, the guard overheard it - the old couple were going wild! He'd never heard anything like it - and it went on for half an hour! Finally the old couple emerged from the bushes. The security guard walked over to them and said "I'd like to congratulate the both of you. That was the wildest sex I've heard in a long time. Was it like that when you were on your honeymoon?" The old man said "Pretty much - except they didn't have that electric fence running through there back then...." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Frank_W | Dec 12 2008, 01:20 PM Post #17 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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An elderly gentleman was in the hospital, and due to the diet and medications, he accidentally had a bout of diarrhea and messed the bed. Embarrassed, he quickly stripped the bed and threw the sheets out the window, where they landed on a homeless man down below. A security guard watched with amusement as the homeless man fought and struggled to free himself. The security guard said, "What's going on, here?!" The homeless man looked around at the soiled bedsheets and exclaimed, "I don't know, but I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost!" |
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 08:21 PM Post #18 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A young reporter is out on her first assignment, a full piece story on the local Indian reservation and it's tribe. The first day the reporter arrives and is greeted by a young Indian with one feather in his headband. The reporter asks "What is the one feather for?" The indian replies "One feather for one woman I sleep with." "Oh, ok." replies the reporter, kind of thrown off guard by his response. The next night at dinner the reporter meets the Chiefs son, who has 20 feathers in his headband, so the reporter asks "What are the 20 feathers for?" "20 feathers for 20 women I sleep with." he says. The reporter replies "Oh, gosh! That's a lot!" The chiefs son says "Come, me introduce you to Chief" So finally, the reporter is introduced to the tribes Chief and the Chief has this long flowing fancy head-dress with feathers down to the floor and dragging behind him. The reporter must ask: "Chief, what are all the feathers for?" The Chief says "Each feather for each woman I sleep with." "Oh, dear!" says the reporter. Quickly, the Chief replies, "Deer? Deer no good, ass too high, run through bush too fast!!" |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Frank_W | Dec 12 2008, 08:25 PM Post #19 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 08:41 PM Post #20 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male of female?" "Female, please." "Would you like Black, or White?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man... and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up" |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 08:48 PM Post #21 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?" The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Frank_W | Dec 12 2008, 08:51 PM Post #22 |
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Resident Misanthrope
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Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin." Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!" | |
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| kenny | Dec 12 2008, 08:51 PM Post #23 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Hey Lar, please hate me.
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 09:00 PM Post #24 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A sloth is walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast." |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Larry | Dec 12 2008, 09:02 PM Post #25 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC, this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable, however... |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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Some men pay good money for that, I hear. 

4:57 PM Jul 10