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Am I the only person who gets drunk on Friday?
Topic Started: Jan 11 2008, 07:44 PM (621 Views)
John D'Oh
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MAMIL
Most people seem more interested in arguing. I'm a very happy, if slightly tipsy young D'Oh, and Mrs D'Oh is out scrapbooking or something. Tell me something funny in 200 words or less.

P.S. I don't give a f*ck about whether blokes have handbags or not. As long as you don't bugger dead bodies, I pretty much don't care what you do. Gay people are completely free to get married, and if you want to worship the American flag, Ron Paul or even Hillary Clintons underwear, I don't mind. Tell me something funny in 200 words or less. Or more, if you can't write short posts (i.e. IT and Mr. Bat).

Come on, you know you want to.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Doctor Phibes
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Advanced Member
John D'Oh
Jan 11 2008, 07:44 PM
As long as you don't bugger dead bodies, I pretty much don't care what you do.

Some people are so judgmental. What price love?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. The interior of my chest freezer is very, very cold
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Jack Frost
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Bull-Carp
Scrapbooking?

Who's looking after the kids? The kids?

Remember, the kids?

WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

....found em?


jf
Quote:
 
Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!
I'm pretty tipsy myself, Mr. D'Oh. Ignoring the fighting in favour of seeing the bottom of the bottle. :D
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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kathyk
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Pisa-Carp
Well, John, I'm not so great at telling jokes. I usually mess up the punch line. But here's a video clip that should be particularly funny when soused.
Blogging in Palestine: http://kksjournal.com/
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
Funniest damn thing I've ever read in my entire life:

"Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal.

Now this is a process where you drink a polystyrene beaker of sludge and they X-ray you to find out what your insides look like as Barium is opaque to x-rays. So they strapped me on the table (the table moves and swivels as well) and gave a this beaker of "Strawberry Flavoured" barium sludge. I nearly broke my wrist! It was a bout a pint of barium sludge and it weighed a fcuking ton. It felt as if the beaker was filled with lead. And drinking it was like pouring slow-setting concrete down my throat. Not nice.

Anyway, tests over, I headed for home. The next day I awoke bright and early and went for my usual morning dump. But something was wrong. I could feel immense pressure in my guts, but strain as I might, nothing was moving. Refusing to be beaten by a turd, I gathered my will and went for a knuckle-biting strain and Glory Be! I felt the obstruction start to move. Now once this fcuker was on its way, nothing was going to stop it. It was with a feeling of horror that I felt my poor arsehole stretching to dimensions it was never designed for. I was actually moaning softly now. The Turd Of Gods continued to force it's way out of my loins and eventually crashed into the waiting bowl with the power and majesty of the launching of the Titanic. The noise was deafening - a bit like hearing a torpedo being launched.

Now rid of my burden, I wiped and stood up, weak and shaking like a dog sh!tting peach pits. I peered into the bowl for the cause of my discomfort and gazed upon an enormous, bright pink turd. It was a thing of awe. About 10 inches long and about 4 inches thick, it lay there at the bottom of my toilet bowl like decomposing shark. I was impressed!

After a while of looking at my handiwork I thought I'd better flush and get on with the day. So I did. And looked and there it was. The flushing hadn't even moved it a millimeter. So I tried again. And again. Still the fcuker wouldn't move. Eventually I gave up and went downstairs for a carrier bag which I put over my arm and reached in to grasp the offender and lift it out of the bog. I swear the bugger weighed about 5 pounds. It truly was the Turd of The Gods.

I disposed of it, well wrapped up, into the dustbin but, looking back, I really wish I'd taken a picture of the bugger.

Cheers!"
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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PhJ
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Senior Carp
President of a big corporation decided to ask his workers how they spent their annual bonus. He approaches an executive:

P: So, what did you do with your bonus?
E: I got myself a shiny new Audi A8.
P: And the rest?
E: The rest went to my swiss bank account.

Then he approaches a mid level manager:

P: And you, what did you do with your bonus?
M: I got myself a used Fiat, sir.
P: And the rest?
E: The rest went to my savings account.

Finally he approaches a regular worker:

P: And how about you, what did you do with your bonus?
M: I bought a pair of slippers.
P: And the rest?
E: Came from my granny.
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CTPianotech
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Fulla-Carp
Frank_W
Jan 11 2008, 11:53 PM
Funniest damn thing I've ever read in my entire life:

"Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal.

Now this is a process where you drink a polystyrene beaker of sludge and they X-ray you to find out what your insides look like as Barium is opaque to x-rays. So they strapped me on the table (the table moves and swivels as well) and gave a this beaker of "Strawberry Flavoured" barium sludge. I nearly broke my wrist! It was a bout a pint of barium sludge and it weighed a fcuking ton. It felt as if the beaker was filled with lead. And drinking it was like pouring slow-setting concrete down my throat. Not nice.

Anyway, tests over, I headed for home. The next day I awoke bright and early and went for my usual morning dump. But something was wrong. I could feel immense pressure in my guts, but strain as I might, nothing was moving. Refusing to be beaten by a turd, I gathered my will and went for a knuckle-biting strain and Glory Be! I felt the obstruction start to move. Now once this fcuker was on its way, nothing was going to stop it. It was with a feeling of horror that I felt my poor arsehole stretching to dimensions it was never designed for. I was actually moaning softly now. The Turd Of Gods continued to force it's way out of my loins and eventually crashed into the waiting bowl with the power and majesty of the launching of the Titanic. The noise was deafening - a bit like hearing a torpedo being launched.

Now rid of my burden, I wiped and stood up, weak and shaking like a dog sh!tting peach pits. I peered into the bowl for the cause of my discomfort and gazed upon an enormous, bright pink turd. It was a thing of awe. About 10 inches long and about 4 inches thick, it lay there at the bottom of my toilet bowl like decomposing shark. I was impressed!

After a while of looking at my handiwork I thought I'd better flush and get on with the day. So I did. And looked and there it was. The flushing hadn't even moved it a millimeter. So I tried again. And again. Still the fcuker wouldn't move. Eventually I gave up and went downstairs for a carrier bag which I put over my arm and reached in to grasp the offender and lift it out of the bog. I swear the bugger weighed about 5 pounds. It truly was the Turd of The Gods.

I disposed of it, well wrapped up, into the dustbin but, looking back, I really wish I'd taken a picture of the bugger.

Cheers!"

Frank, I thought we had agreed my PM's were confidential! :o
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
:lol2:
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
Jack Frost
Jan 11 2008, 10:47 PM
Scrapbooking?

Who's looking after the kids? The kids?

Remember, the kids?

WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

....found em?


jf

We have kids?
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck... get the fcuk away from me."
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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CTPianotech
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Fulla-Carp
That's terrible!! :lol:
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The 89th Key
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John - I is drinking too!

Not as blitzed as you, perhaps, but at least I'm on the same road. Ah...old friend Mr. Beer...how you are always here.

PS. Say hi to Jane for me. Give her a wink and a kiss too...but dont tell her husband.
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George K
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Finally
Starkle, starkle little twink.
Who the hell you are, I think
Tee martoonies make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
So, just one more to fill my cup.
I have all day sober to Sunday up.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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The 89th Key
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I just read that out loud to my friend - very funny!! :lol:
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George K
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Finally
D’Oh wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a 
single red rose! 


D’Oh sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and 
pressed. 


D’Oh looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom 
mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the 
stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" 


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the 
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. 


D’Oh asks, "son...what happened last night?" 


"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." 


"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" 


His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
Hrmmm.... Either John is not entertained, or else he's drunk himself to sleep. Yeesh...
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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apple
one of the angels
mo!

that's my only day.

mr. apple loves it (poor guy)
it behooves me to behold
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apple
one of the angels
George K
Jan 11 2008, 11:38 PM
Starkle, starkle little twink.
Who the hell you are, I think
Tee martoonies make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
So, just one more to fill my cup.
I have all day sober to Sunday up.

just in case you delete it
it behooves me to behold
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George K
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Finally
apple
Jan 11 2008, 11:07 PM
George K
Jan 11 2008, 11:38 PM
Starkle, starkle little twink.
Who the hell you are, I think
Tee martoonies make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
So, just one more to fill my cup.
I have all day sober to Sunday up.

just in case you delete it

:shrug:

Why would I do that? I don't think I've ever deleted a post here.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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PhJ
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Senior Carp
George K
Jan 11 2008, 08:48 PM
D’Oh wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
(snip)


cute!
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Jack gets drunk *every* Friday. Looks to me like he's an alcoholic.

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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sue
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HOLY CARP!!!
The 89th Key
Jan 11 2008, 09:43 PM
I just read that out loud to my friend - very funny!! :lol:

:hat: Friend?

Do tell. Male, or female? :smile:
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Daniel
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HOLY CARP!!!
89th, do you have a boyfriend? :phone:

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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
Frank_W
Jan 11 2008, 11:56 PM
Hrmmm.... Either John is not entertained, or else he's drunk himself to sleep. Yeesh...

Or both?

:lol:

Thanks guys, very entertaining. I think I may make this a Friday ritual.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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