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That's it, I'm not having kids; ...I've decided.
Topic Started: Aug 10 2007, 12:09 PM (429 Views)
The 89th Key
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My sister has special needs, as many of you know. She's now 20 years old. As wonderful as she can be (at times), it's just not worth it to have kids and risk having one with special needs - at least not worth it to me anymore. I'm just her brother and the impact on me has been incredible, and I'm just frustrated. It's like a constant weight around my parents neck. Changing sheets in the middle of the night, always needing a babysitter (I'm going to their house, an hour a way for me, often just to babysit, often canceling my plans). I know that sounds selfish, but hey I'm being honest...its annoying. My parents dont take vacations, and if they do its with our whole family where they have to watch my sister the whole time anyway. I lied, actually they took a vacation to the Florida Keys in 1993. They keep track of her meds, her doc appts, her commute to school, where she is in the house at all times. There's a million other things they do (I dont know how they have the patience for it), but the bottom line is it's like taking care of a temperamental 3 year old who has a host of medical issues, for 20+ years. Can you imagine that?

PS. We have court hearings soon to begin the process of gaining legal control (supervision, parenting, etc) over her since she's almost 21 and can legally (although not realistically) go out on her own unless we go through this red tape.

PPS. Having a child who is moderately retarded isn't like you see in the movies and on TV, where you have this always-smiling kid who likes to give hugs and is a human calculator. Nothing like that at all. (Although my sister can somehow always tell me where the TV remote is, which is pretty amazing)
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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
There is nothing wrong with being selfish.

People who breath are selfish.

Many people (especially religious ones) will tell you "You are SUPPOSED to have kids, and just make the best of whatever you get no matter what."
You are wise to pay attention to yourself.
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
I hear your frustration, 89th.

I think it is valuable that you can be so honest about it.

You need a break.

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"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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LWpianistin
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HOLY CARP!!!
Good thing you figured it out now, and not after you had kids.
And how are you today?
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justme
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HOLY CARP!!!
Hey, 89th, you need a hug. :hug:
"Men sway more towards hussies." G-D3
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The 89th Key
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Kenny, I agree that it's fine to be "selfish" at times. I have a natural "animal" urge to continue and have a big family. I would truly love that. But I also know that if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't be risking having a child with special needs, I would be able to travel a hell of alot more, save a bunch of money, etc...there are upsides to not having kids, as well.

R2, you're telling me...imagine my parents! I think by this point they are just numb to the level of effort they put into it. They probably dont even realize it anymore, they dont realize how much they need a break. It's the only life they've known since 1987, so by this point they dont realize the sacrifice involved.

All I can say is, I see these other families with 2 healthy kids...they dont realize how lucky they really are to not have children with disabilities. They have no idea!

Vent mode: on.
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Aqua Letifer
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ZOOOOOM!
Well if you're of the mindset that having kids is not worth the risk of having one be impaired in some way, then I totally support your decision. Assuming someone did want to have kids, that would be a horrible opinion to hold.

FWIW, my folks don't have very many vacations, either. The last two years they've really gone out and done a lot but they're really locked down with life's responsibilities as well, and they don't have any kids to worry about anymore.

EDIT
Just remembered something. Not to downplay what your family has to deal with with your sister, but I think your conclusion about other families having it better is misguided some. A friend of mine had a job working with developmentally disabled people, and he once told me this (paraphrasing, of course):

"Dealing with the developmentally disabled is great. At times I much enjoy their company opposed to other people. They want food, water, sleep, and a little entertainment, that's it. They won't steal money from your wallet to buy drugs, they won't have unprotected sex with their secret boyfriend and become pregnant, they're not mischievous, and they have no ulterior motives. It's a lot more simple."
I cite irreconcilable differences.
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Quote:
 
R2, you're telling me...imagine my parents! I think by this point they are just numb to the level of effort they put into it. They probably dont even realize it anymore, they dont realize how much they need a break. It's the only life they've known since 1987, so by this point they dont realize the sacrifice involved.


I have a close friend whose sister had Down's. My friend recently self-published a book about it, that I was honored to edit. I was amazed to read about the sacrifices of their mother.

Eventually the mother died, and the sister was moved into a group home, which she absolutely loved. The group home sounded like a very loving environment, but I can understand why parents don't do this, issues of finance aside.

The girl with Down's died last year, in her 40's. I go to fundraisers with my friend for the group home, she feels it is so valuable (remember when I dressed up as a Mexican woman?).

Anyway. Just a story. I don't know how difficult it is, but I can imagine.
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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The 89th Key
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Aqua Letifer
Aug 10 2007, 04:22 PM
"Dealing with the developmentally disabled is great. At times I much enjoy their company opposed to other people. They want food, water, sleep, and a little entertainment, that's it. They won't steal money from your wallet to buy drugs, they won't have unprotected sex with their secret boyfriend and become pregnant, they're not mischievous, and they have no ulterior motives. It's a lot more simple."

That is true, to an extent. Interacting with kids with special needs (with my sister's classes or special-olympics baseball team, etc), you find that they are really great human beings. Very honest, happy, and simple...and you dont have to worry about being lied to, gossip, or stealing.

However, taking care of kids with special needs, such as those with OCD issues or outburst problems...can be an incessant headache and struggle for peace.
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The 89th Key
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RosemaryTwo
Aug 10 2007, 04:27 PM
Quote:
 
R2, you're telling me...imagine my parents! I think by this point they are just numb to the level of effort they put into it. They probably dont even realize it anymore, they dont realize how much they need a break. It's the only life they've known since 1987, so by this point they dont realize the sacrifice involved.


I have a close friend whose sister had Down's. My friend recently self-published a book about it, that I was honored to edit. I was amazed to read about the sacrifices of their mother.

Eventually the mother died, and the sister was moved into a group home, which she absolutely loved. The group home sounded like a very loving environment, but I can understand why parents don't do this, issues of finance aside.

The girl with Down's died last year, in her 40's. I go to fundraisers with my friend for the group home, she feels it is so valuable (remember when I dressed up as a Mexican woman?).

Anyway. Just a story. I don't know how difficult it is, but I can imagine.

A couple points on your post:

I imagine my sister will eventually go into a group home, there are some very good organizations out there. She has 4 brothers (ages 14, 23, 25, and 26), so I'm sure we'll visit often and take care of her as much as possible. My parents will also probably still be alive for another 20+ years and while I dont know the specifics, I would guess my sister will pass away when she's in her 40's as well...simply because you dont see those with special needs living as long as normal folk - not to be crass about it.

This brings me to my second point, in which I find there are few things more worthy of donations and fundraising than that of organizations that take care of those with special needs. I've thought about starting a charity that would actually raise money to hire qualified babysitters to take care of the kids and let the deserving parents get a week or two off on vacation - how wonderful would that be?

Finally, my third point is regarding the local, state, and federal assistance. If there's one place tax money should go towards, its situations like these. My sister has to attend a school that's 30 minutes away, so the county pays for her cab ride every day, that picks her up to and from school. I believe the government also has other funds to help out qualified families with special needs kids, which my parents are just finding out about now - which is nice. Apparently the county offers a type of service that as the parents get older, the county provides someone to come and help take care of the child (despite her being 20+ years old and not a child). Such government programs are excellent. I would think even Mark would agree!
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QuirtEvans
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
At your age, 89th, I didn't want anything to do with kids.

Things change. You may not believe it now, but they do.

As for your sister ... you have my sympathies, I can't even imagine how hard that is. But ... in every area of your life, do you not do things, because the outcome might be bad? I'm betting that you take risks for the things you want, all the time. It's the same with kids. Something bad could happen, no doubt. But you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take the plunge.
It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010.
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Horace
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HOLY CARP!!!
and real families like yours also have to deal with the Barbara Walters interviews of fakers who go on and on about how their special needs kid is the greatest joy their lives have ever been blessed with and they couldn't imagine their lives without this bundle of pure delight etc etc. You can't very well say anything else in public about this kind of thing. I'm glad you're relating the truth of it.

But you might want to at least look up the statistics about something like that happening... I'd agree that parenthood wouldn't be for me if there was a 10% or more chance of it or whatever but if it's negligible then you shouldn't let it deter you from such an important decision. I've noticed more and more that non-parents never achieve a certain maturity, like not going through a second puberty. There's a guy I work with who is a certain way, very high strung and emotional about everything, he's about 60 and has never had kids. Maybe I'm reading too much into things but when I think about it, I can't imagine a family man ever having that sort of neurotic personality. Your priorities shift for the better when you become a parent I think, and you become a better person in general (not that that's a great reason to have kids but it bears thinking about).
As a good person, I implore you to do as I, a good person, do. Be good. Do NOT be bad. If you see bad, end bad. End it in yourself, and end it in others. By any means necessary, the good must conquer the bad. Good people know this. Do you know this? Are you good?
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The 89th Key
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Good info/advice guys, grazie.
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sue
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HOLY CARP!!!
I think it is really good that you are being so honest with yourself, Isaac. That's incredibly important, and any decision regarding having children is, or should be, incredibly important.

It is also possible that your feelings may change (or maybe not) when you find a life partner and start talking about kids. And don't dismiss the idea of adoption at some point.

I honestly can't imagine doing what your parents have done. I hope they can find some more help, and get some needed breaks.
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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
I can understand your reluctance, 89, what your parents and family have gone through is that secret fear we all have when we discover that we're going to be parents - it's also something you'll want to talk about with Miss Right when you meet her. Trying to stop women from wanting children (those who do want them, obviously) is pretty much an impossible challenge as far as I can tell.

You also get something from having children that you don't from anywhere else - it's hard to put into words, but from the moment I saw son No. 1 glaring at me my life has never been anything like the same, and however frustrating and difficult it gets, I'd never want to go back. Well, OK, maybe just occasionally.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
Isaac... Brotherly hug to you, man... :hug: I can't begin to imagine what life must be like. As incredibly rewarding as it is at times, it must also be terribly difficult, too. If/when you begin thinking of starting a family, is there any way the two of you could arrange to be tested, first? I don't know what the technology is, but I'm pretty sure it exists... I'm sorry, though... You sound so drained. Be good to yourself, and don't torture yourself with guilt for taking care of your own needs, too. :hug:
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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RosemaryTwo
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HOLY CARP!!!
Quote:
 
I've thought about starting a charity that would actually raise money to hire qualified babysitters to take care of the kids and let the deserving parents get a week or two off on vacation - how wonderful would that be?


Have you ever heard of such charities around? There might be something like that out there. Maybe not sitters for the whole week, but at least for an afternoon.

:shrug:
"Perhaps the thing to do is just to let stupid run its course." Aqua
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Radu
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The 89th Key
Aug 10 2007, 11:20 PM
I see these other families with 2 healthy kids...they dont realize how lucky they really are to not have children with disabilities.

But they do. Every time we get upset by something, my wife tells me "we must be grateful for we have two healthy kids".


P.S. OTOH, though the kids are well, one always face the possibility of having to take care of an old and ailing parent (no sleep, no vacations, no life)
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The modern media has made cretins out of so many people that they're not interested in reality any more, unless it's reality TV (Jean D'eaux)
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
Hospice doesn't only sit with the terminally ill, you know. Give them a call. If they can't do it, they can at least point you in the right direction. I volunteered with them for many years.
Anatomy Prof: "The human body has about 20 sq. meters of skin."
Me: "Man, that's a lot of lampshades!"
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The 89th Key
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Life's a funny thing.
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sue
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HOLY CARP!!!
Radu
Aug 10 2007, 03:01 PM
The 89th Key
Aug 10 2007, 11:20 PM
I see these other families with 2 healthy kids...they dont realize how lucky they really are to not have children with disabilities.

But they do. Every time we get upset by something, my wife tells me "we must be grateful for we have two healthy kids".



Yes, they do. I only have one child, but I've said many many times how lucky we are to have a healthy, happy child. And when I see a difficult family situation, or hear about one like yours, I think about it again.
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DivaDeb
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absolutely...89th is tuckered out, he knows better than that


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Daniel
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HOLY CARP!!!
89th, I can imagine that. My mother cares for the mentally retarded, for New York State. I have visited her at work.

She also cared for my brother who was in a car accident (small truck, actually) sustaining a head injury. He was three months in a coma and three months in a rehabilitation hospital. I saw him every day for thirty days while he was in the coma, and I visited him at the rehabilitation hospital.

Guess what though? My brother got married last weekend! I could not travel to the wedding, but I saw their pictures on line yesterday. I have never seen my brother look happier or more proud. His wife is beautiful and they are very much in love. :wub:

He works as a gardener at an estate. She has a master's degree in library science and has accepted a job as a librarian at the local public school.

I have not seen my parents in six years and when I saw their pictures yesterday, I saw the toll this has taken on them.

I am sending you and your sister and your family my best wishes.
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The 89th Key
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Thanks again all - very nice of you. It's been a long day week at work...and this thread was inspired when my mom called up and asked if I could come over tomorrow, next Tuesday, and also the 30th to watch my sister, Mary (no relation to our pomaceous forum member).
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
The 89th Key
Aug 10 2007, 04:20 PM
...imagine my parents! I think by this point they are just numb to the level of effort they put into it. They probably dont even realize it anymore, they dont realize how much they need a break. It's the only life they've known since 1987, so by this point they dont realize the sacrifice involved.


Having been involved in a long term care situation in my family, I can assure you they realize it. Deeply.

You have lots of time before you make this decision - lots of time. Just make sure though that you discuss your doubts with any serious girlfriend.

I also think there is a lot to what Quirt said. You take a greater risk than this every day driving the freeway and think nothing of it. I would hate to see you miss out on the incredible journey of parenthood because you were afraid.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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