Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to The New Coffee Room. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
More lawyer jokes
Topic Started: Apr 26 2007, 03:17 PM (73 Views)
Larry
Member Avatar
Mmmmmmm, pie!
Q:How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A:Take your foot off his head.
---

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.” “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…” ....“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”
---

What's the difference between a lawyer and a barnyard rooster ???
The rooster clucks defiance
---

Did you know that there are only two lawyer jokes in the world?
The rest are true stories.
---

A couple is on their honeymoon and the new bride tells her husband to be gentle because she is a virgin. Shocked, the groom says, “but you’ve been married three times before.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but my first husband was a psychologist and only wanted to talk about it, my second husband was a gynecologist and only wanted to look at it, and my third husband was a stamp collector and only wanted to…God, I miss him.”

After a moment of silence, she then turns to her newest husband and says, “And since you’re an attorney I know I’m going to get screwed.”
---

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.”
---


A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
---

There is a shipwreck and the only survivors are these two male lawyers. They get stranded on a deserted island.

Two weeks go by and they see a small boat off the island. They get excited because they think that they will be rescued.

To their dismay they see the small boat sink. They watch as the only survivor, a beautiful woman, swims to the island.

One lawyer says to the other one, "Do you think we should screw her?"

The other lawyer says, "Outta what?"
---

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?” She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.” He says, “No kidding! What law firm are you with?”
---

A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Inn where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
---

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter.
"We've added up your time sheets."
-------

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
---

It was so cold out the other day ... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
-----------

Q.whats the difference between a lawyer and a pig?
A.the pig doesn't turn into a lawyer after 3 drinks
----------

A lawyer, known more for his drinking at the bar than for his practice before it, died in poverty. The other attorneys from the city, feeling sorry for his family, started a fund to cover his funeral expenses. A local businessman was asked to make a contribution. "Will you please donate a dollar, so we can bury a lawyer?"

"Only a dollar to bury a lawyer?" asked the businessman, "Here's $100 -- go and bury 99 more of them."
---------

what do lawyers and sperm have in common?
only one in forty million become a human being
---------

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
----------

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
----------

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
ZetaBoards gives you all the tools to create a successful discussion community.
« Previous Topic · The New Coffee Room · Next Topic »
Add Reply