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Good Parents? Bad Parents?
Topic Started: Dec 5 2006, 02:10 PM (491 Views)
George K
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Finally
I was walking out of the lobby at work this afternoon and as I rounded the corner I heard a kid crying. Sounded like about a 3 year old. Not hysterical, not in pain, just a typical "I don't like something" 3 year old's cry. Seemed to be just this side of a tantrum. I saw him walking along with his parents. He was being led by the hand by his dad, and mom had arms full of stuff. The parent were speaking to each other, ignoring the kid. I followed for about 100 feet, and not once did they scold, cajole, or even pay attention to the kid. I don't know if this was part of their strategy ("Keep on crying, but whatevery you're upset about ain't gonna change, and we're not giving into whatever demand you have") or just insensitive.

Whaddya all think?
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QuirtEvans
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
George K
Dec 5 2006, 05:10 PM
I was walking out of the lobby at work this afternoon and as I rounded the corner I heard a kid crying. Sounded like about a 3 year old. Not hysterical, not in pain, just a typical "I don't like something" 3 year old's cry. Seemed to be just this side of a tantrum. I saw him walking along with his parents. He was being led by the hand by his dad, and mom had arms full of stuff. The parent were speaking to each other, ignoring the kid. I followed for about 100 feet, and not once did they scold, cajole, or even pay attention to the kid. I don't know if this was part of their strategy ("Keep on crying, but whatevery you're upset about ain't gonna change, and we're not giving into whatever demand you have") or just insensitive.

Whaddya all think?

Depends on the circumstances. I don't have enough facts to judge.
It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010.
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ny1911
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Senior Carp
I never try to judge parents by how they react to their kids behavior in public unless it is with violence. Parents are often sensitive how they are perceived in public settings, so they often handle things differently when out. I would assume that they know what works for them. I have a daughter who was difficult, especially if she was tired or hungry. She'd get into a mood as you've described, and all I could do is let it pass. My other daughter, won't snap out of it until you give her a hug and say it is OK.

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The 89th Key
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I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, thinking that they knew it was the only way to help their child learn that crying doesn't get you attention or what you want. But that's just the benefit...they could be bad parents for all I know.

I was in 'Donalds the other day, at the soda fountain. A daughter was calmly asking her dad something (she was probably 11) and he snapped at her saying "Will you stop asking questions!?" I thought it was quite a mean thing to do. He might have been having a stressful day, but that was a clear example of being a bad parent during that episode.
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Phlebas
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Bull-Carp
Hard to tell, which is why I don't take other parent's inventories too much. However, nothing in what you describe would raise any alarms with me. A kid just out of the terrible two's, and the parents are letting the kid know: "snivel, and whine away. That's not the way to get our attention."

Of course you never know. The kid could be whining because the parents want to send him for the weekend to weird Uncle Herbie - the one that takes pictures of him wearing lederhosen.
Random FML: Today, I was fired by my boss in front of my coworkers. It would have been nice if I could have left the building before they started celebrating. FML

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George K
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Finally
My impression was that the parents were doing the right thing: not giving the kid attention. As I said, he didn't seem to be in any distress, pain, whatsoever. I was just one of those 3 year old moments. By ignoring, they let him know (or at least tried, I think) that they're not going to cave to whatever the kid wanted. They were not at all upset. Calm as could be. Since they spoke Spanish (and I don't) I couldn't hear the subject they were discussing, but judging from the looks on their faces, it did not seem to be the toddler between them.
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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ivorythumper
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I am always amazed at the way parents develop filters for their own childrens' cries, shrieks, and tantrums. No doubt part of the reason we are all still alive today.
The dogma lives loudly within me.
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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
I have no clue.

I just wanted to give a deep bow to you people who are willing to raise kids!

You are much better people than I.
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CTPianotech
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Fulla-Carp
It depends on the nature of the crying/screaming and the setting we're in. It's easy for me to screen out my own kids screaming, however I don't like to make others listen to it. Crying in a large lobby/mall type area, I don't mind putting others through. However if it's hysterical screaming in a book store, if we don't have any specific business that we're there to accomplish, we're out, and they're in trouble.

With the twins, (hey dija hear they're 4! w00t) by the time we're almost out the door, whatever was causing their ailment has almost always miraculously 'cured' itself. Too late though..... :smokin:
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Mikhailoh
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kenny
Dec 5 2006, 07:50 PM
I have no clue.

I just wanted to give a deep bow to you people who are willing to raise kids!

You are much better people than I.

Thanks. But we knew that. :P
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Dewey
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HOLY CARP!!!
Hard to really say, but I suspect they were doing the right thing in not giving in to the kid's demands for attention.

BTW, CT, I forgot to post in the thread the other day, but happy birthday to the four year olds - good looking kids!
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Steve Miller
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I'm going to disagree here. Not saying they are good parents or bad parents; only that they are setting themselves for a whole lot more work than they need to do.

The very first time a kid acts out in a public place, that kid needs to be whisked briskly outside for a discussion on rules for proper public behavior. Included in that discussion would be a short description of the consequences, should these rules be broken in the future.

If the kid decides to test the boundaries of this "agreement" on the next public outing (and they will - you can count on it), it is then in the parents' best interest to whisk the child outside once again and administer whatever punishment was described during the previous discussion.

They'll only have to do ito once. The way they are handling it now practically guarantees that all future public excursions will be every bit as miserable as the one you witnessed.

For them and for everyone around them who has to listen to it.
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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
I like what Steve said.
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!
Steve,
Sure, your scenario sounds perfect. Except that it doesn't work for all kids. Neither does ignoring the behaviour (which is what these parents were doing). But both of those things work well for some kid, and hopefully those parents have figured out what works with theirs.

I was in Walmart or something one day when Liam was maybe 2. He decided to have a tantrum because I wouldn't get him something. I decided to leave the store. Partway to the door, he went into full tantrum mode and went limp on the floor. I knew from the rare tantrum he had at home (this was the first public one) that picking him up would be impossible. So I let him lay there on the floor crying. I stood over him looking bored by the behaviour - some people in the store looking on approvingly, some giving me dirty looks - until he eventually calmed down. He looked at me, stood up, and reached up for me to take his hand. We walked out of the store with me explaining that we were leaving because of his behaviour. He was upset that we left, but the tantrum was done.

I personally couldn't care less that people in the store had to endure his little fit. Letting it happen that day meant it was the last time that scenario happened. He simply learned that it didn't work.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Agreeed, Dol. There is no one size fits all in parenting.

Janet and I were lucky that Lauren was just never a tantrum kid.. very easy going. The only place she ever really pushed that boundary was in restaurants when she was two.

I used a strategy very similar to what Steve said.. Dad and Lauren would leave the dining room and go out to the lobby to have a chat. A talk with Dad was all it ever took, except one time. I had to swat her diaper covered behind because she was pushing the envelope and that what was next on the consequence roster. Never another problem since that time.

But I have seen a lot of kids who were NOT easy going and that would never work with.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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QuirtEvans
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dolmansaxlil
Dec 6 2006, 07:11 AM
Steve,
Sure, your scenario sounds perfect. Except that it doesn't work for all kids. Neither does ignoring the behaviour (which is what these parents were doing). But both of those things work well for some kid, and hopefully those parents have figured out what works with theirs.

I was in Walmart or something one day when Liam was maybe 2. He decided to have a tantrum because I wouldn't get him something. I decided to leave the store. Partway to the door, he went into full tantrum mode and went limp on the floor. I knew from the rare tantrum he had at home (this was the first public one) that picking him up would be impossible. So I let him lay there on the floor crying. I stood over him looking bored by the behaviour - some people in the store looking on approvingly, some giving me dirty looks - until he eventually calmed down. He looked at me, stood up, and reached up for me to take his hand. We walked out of the store with me explaining that we were leaving because of his behaviour. He was upset that we left, but the tantrum was done.

I personally couldn't care less that people in the store had to endure his little fit. Letting it happen that day meant it was the last time that scenario happened. He simply learned that it didn't work.

I wish one of my kids were that smart, Dol.

She has fits regularly. Not tantrums, but little fits.

It never gets her anywhere. And, every so often, a little while after the fit is over, we have the conversation ... so, did having the fit get you what you wanted? (No.) Does it ever get you what you want? (No.) In fact, does it often get you something you affirmatively don't want, like negative consequences? (Yes.) So then, why do you continue to have fits? (I don't know.)

She's just a stubborn kid. She wants what she wants, and she is incapable of getting beyond that or recognizing that the behavior she's using the get what she wants isn't going to work, ever.
It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Doggedly determined and persistent. Hmm.. I wonder where she gets THAT? Must be her Mom. ^_^
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Mark
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HOLY CARP!!!
:spit:
___.___
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ivorythumper
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
:whistle:

(where is that "biting my tongue until the blood runs out" emoticon).
The dogma lives loudly within me.
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Frank_W
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Resident Misanthrope
"Good," "bad"...

All I see is parents doing their best, and they have my compassion and support for not giving in, when their child is throwing a tantrum.
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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
My son's an annoying smart-ass who answers back to his elders. But you knew that.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Well.. I did not KNOW it.. but had I been asked to guess...
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Steve Miller
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Bull-Carp
Mikhailoh
Dec 6 2006, 05:51 AM
But I have seen a lot of kids who were NOT easy going and that would never work with.

I've seen a few, but I wonder if that is because the parents didn't start early enough.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Steve Miller
Dec 6 2006, 01:28 AM
I'm going to disagree here. Not saying they are good parents or bad parents; only that they are setting themselves for a whole lot more work than they need to do.

The very first time a kid acts out in a public place, that kid needs to be whisked briskly outside for a discussion on rules for proper public behavior. Included in that discussion would be a short description of the consequences, should these rules be broken in the future.

If the kid decides to test the boundaries of this "agreement" on the next public outing (and they will - you can count on it), it is then in the parents' best interest to whisk the child outside once again and administer whatever punishment was described during the previous discussion.

They'll only have to do ito once. The way they are handling it now practically guarantees that all future public excursions will be every bit as miserable as the one you witnessed.

For them and for everyone around them who has to listen to it.

I agree with you completely.
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
Quote:
 
She's just a stubborn kid.


Well, you can't fault her for something she comes by naturally, can you?..... ;)
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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