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*a-CHOO!*; staying healthy
Topic Started: Nov 9 2006, 09:08 PM (56 Views)
Optimistic
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HOLY CARP!!!
(I posted this last year, but I'd say it's due for a re-post!)

COLD AND FLU PREVENTION TIPS

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months.

*Sneezing into a handkerchief just redirects germs back at you. Always sneeze outward so as to shoot germs as far across the room as possible.

*Pack your sinus cavities with Vicks Vap-O-Rub to fully mentholate your respiratory system.

*Do not blow your stuffed nose into tissues—this is a myth! Always suck your phlegm into the back of your throat and swallow it in great, goblike mouthfuls.

*You don't have to subject yourself to other people's germs. If you see someone who appears to have a cold or fever, contact your local police department.

*To prevent infections, have sick people cough into your food. This light "inoculative" dose of germs will boost your body's defenses against a full-blown infection later.

*If you are a sickly, anemic, weak person, you have a higher susceptibility to colds and flu. Try not to be such a pansy-ass.

*Sometimes, a severe respiratory infection will cause the lungs to fill with fluid. If this occurs, flush your lungs repeatedly with boiling hot water to clear them. A hose down your windpipe will help get around the gag reflex.

*Make sure your HMO package covers visits to the Halls Of Medicine.

*The flu is an extremely contagious, life-threatening disease. Flu sufferers should be either shot with a silver bullet or tortured to death by a professionally shriven, church-appointed excruciator.

*To keep warm in the winter, replace your blood with mom's homemade chicken soup. Noodles should be no greater than one millimeter thick to prevent coronary blockage.

*Remember: Your body produces phlegm for a reason. Always save your mucous, and keep it near you in jars at all times.

*Germs generally enter the body through the skin. To protect you from infection, shave yours off.

*Zinc and Vitamin C help fight colds. Vitamin C can be found in oranges, but zinc is a semi-precious metal found only in Africa. If symptoms persist, organize a jungle safari to seek out the fabled Zinc Mines of Sugolahara.
PHOTOS

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.
- Mark Twain


We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
-T. S. Eliot
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DivaDeb
HOLY CARP!!!
Optimistic
Nov 10 2006, 12:08 AM


*You don't have to subject yourself to other people's germs. If you see someone who appears to have a cold or fever, contact your local police department.


I think they're planning on making this procedure a law in Omaha
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