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| Laura Bush Seizes Power! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 13 2006, 08:39 AM (71 Views) | |
| QuirtEvans | Oct 13 2006, 08:39 AM Post #1 |
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
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In an event unprecedented in American history last night, Laura Bush seized control of the White House and announced that she is now the leader of the free world. In a press conference orchestrated by Susan Snow, wife of deposed press secretary Tony Snow, she told the reporters, "It wasn't any one thing. I was reading the paper yesterday: there was this young soldier, Suzanne Swift, who had gone awol because of the widespread sexual harrassment in the army, or rather the constant harrassment she experienced. For this she's being courtmartialed. I mean, here she was being told she was fighting a war on terror with some pretty abstract enemies out there, or just some people really far away, but terror is never far enough away for women. The war on terror begins at home." She cited several other headline stories in yesterday's news, including the Montreal man who went on a shooting rampage, the release of The Black Dahlia, "yet another film dwelling lovingly on the murder of attractive young women like my daughters," the resurgence of the JonBenet Ramsey murder case, as well as longterm patterns such as the prevalence of domestic violence, which is responsible for the deaths of three women a day, on average. "Murders happen every day, a great many of them by men, against women--and girls, and children," said the usurper, citing the recent brutal rape-murder of a 15-year-old Iraqi by a US soldier. "Bodily integrity is the first human right," she said, denouncing her husband's defence of torture, which she also cited as grounds for a coup. "At first I considered hurting George to make my point," she said, "but I didn't grow up with much experience of wrestling or using deadly weapons. Besides, librarians are trained to preserve things, so I have archived George in a safe location." Among the changes she announced was the suspension of political power of all men in the federal government, appointed and elected. The new U.S. Senate has only 15 members, including two each from Maine and California, but in a joint press conference, Olympia Snowe remarked, "Yes this is unrepresentative, but consider the nearly 150 years in which this country called itself a democracy while women didn't vote and, until Rebecca Felton in 1922, become senators." The small senate, meeting in a coffee shop, drafted legislation requiring all girls and women to have martial arts training and carry weapons. "It should take far less than a century and a half for this to disrupt the traditional terror economy," said Arkansas senator Blanche Lincoln in defense of the Redefining Terror Act. The 70 remaining congressional representatives in the United States put forth a plan to appoint former Lieutenant Colonel Ann Wright as Secretary of Defense, with a junior appointment and dismissal of courtmartial charges for Swift. The country now has only one Supreme Court justice, but plans to resolve that have also been put forward. Anita Hill is said to be among the list of nominees. Winona LaDuke has already been named head of Homeland Security, amid dissent from Lincoln and Diane Feinstein. Undisclosed sources say that Laura Bush was able to seize control of the presidency and cabinet with the help of the scores of maids and administrative assistants in the White House. Pantyhose was used to tie secret service men to chairs. Bush also asserted that she had been heavily medicated during her years in the White House, until recently. |
| It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010. | |
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11:13 AM Jul 11