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Laura Bush Seizes Power!
Topic Started: Oct 13 2006, 08:39 AM (71 Views)
QuirtEvans
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh


In an event unprecedented in American history last night, Laura Bush
seized control of the White House and announced that she is now the
leader of the free world. In a press conference orchestrated by Susan
Snow, wife of deposed press secretary Tony Snow, she told the
reporters, "It wasn't any one thing. I was reading the paper
yesterday: there was this young soldier, Suzanne Swift, who had gone
awol because of the widespread sexual harrassment in the army, or
rather the constant harrassment she experienced. For this she's being
courtmartialed. I mean, here she was being told she was fighting a
war on terror with some pretty abstract enemies out there, or just
some people really far away, but terror is never far enough away for
women. The war on terror begins at home." She cited several other
headline stories in yesterday's news, including the Montreal man who
went on a shooting rampage, the release of The Black Dahlia, "yet
another film dwelling lovingly on the murder of attractive young
women like my daughters," the resurgence of the JonBenet Ramsey
murder case, as well as longterm patterns such as the prevalence of
domestic violence, which is responsible for the deaths of three women
a day, on average. "Murders happen every day, a great many of them
by men, against women--and girls, and children," said the usurper,
citing the recent brutal rape-murder of a 15-year-old Iraqi by a US
soldier. "Bodily integrity is the first human right," she said,
denouncing her husband's defence of torture, which she also cited as
grounds for a coup. "At first I considered hurting George to make my
point," she said, "but I didn't grow up with much experience of
wrestling or using deadly weapons. Besides, librarians are trained to
preserve things, so I have archived George in a safe location."

Among the changes she announced was the suspension of political power
of all men in the federal government, appointed and elected. The new
U.S. Senate has only 15 members, including two each from Maine and
California, but in a joint press conference, Olympia Snowe remarked,
"Yes this is unrepresentative, but consider the nearly 150 years in
which this country called itself a democracy while women didn't vote
and, until Rebecca Felton in 1922, become senators." The small
senate, meeting in a coffee shop, drafted legislation requiring all
girls and women to have martial arts training and carry weapons. "It
should take far less than a century and a half for this to disrupt
the traditional terror economy," said Arkansas senator Blanche
Lincoln in defense of the Redefining Terror Act. The 70 remaining
congressional representatives in the United States put forth a plan
to appoint former Lieutenant Colonel Ann Wright as Secretary of
Defense, with a junior appointment and dismissal of courtmartial
charges for Swift. The country now has only one Supreme Court
justice, but plans to resolve that have also been put forward. Anita
Hill is said to be among the list of nominees. Winona LaDuke has
already been named head of Homeland Security, amid dissent from
Lincoln and Diane Feinstein.

Undisclosed sources say that Laura Bush was able to seize control of
the presidency and cabinet with the help of the scores of maids and
administrative assistants in the White House. Pantyhose was used to
tie secret service men to chairs.

Bush also asserted that she had been heavily medicated during her
years in the White House, until recently.
It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010.
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