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New Degree Offered By Landover Baptist University
Topic Started: Aug 3 2006, 11:02 PM (2,268 Views)
Rick Zimmer
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Fulla-Carp
Just announced by Landover Baptist University.

Landover Baptist University Announces New Advanced Degree in Motherhood!
True Christian Education™


Landover Baptist University for the Saved is proud to announce a new advanced degree program in Motherhood from our nationally respected school of Marriage and Family.

With 5-minute classes, the coursework is specifically tailored to the flighty attention spans of fidgety fussbudgets with vaginas. The University's Missus of Cupcake Icing and Domestic Subjugation degree prepares female graduates for the rewarding Christian role of wordless, smiling servitude in Baptist husbandry.

The core coursework also prepares the weaker gender for Christian Child Management, from slapping the love of Jesus in to an infant to jail visitation protocols during the latter years of a mother-child relationship. Students are taught the honored role of woman throughout Christian history as they scrub and wax the floor of the classroom -- and press and remove the lint from their professor's topcoat.

The program offers a multidisciplinary Biblically grounded flavor and draws on the experimental teachings of world renowned Demonologist and Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. The degree can be completed for as little as $67,000 if you supply your own toilet cleaning supplies. We are now accepting Christian ladies (both married and unspoiled) with Bachelorette degrees from accredited Bible study and/or recipe swapping websites. Widows, single mothers, or divorcees will not be accepted into the program for Biblical reasons.

If you are interested, please contact the Landover Baptist University for the Saved School of Marriage and Family before Fall registration. The three semester curriculum includes:

Advanced Degree in Motherhood - Tri-Semester Curriculum

1st Semester
503 - Early Baptist Husbandry (4) - Defining a new Baptist wife's role as servant to her husband, learning to be joyful in submission to a Godly husband, scripture memory.

505 - Wifely Care and Grooming (4) - Christian hygiene, proper application of makeup and cosmetics, clothing choices, bathroom etiquette, diet and weight management, tampon abuse.

508 - Early Baptist Homemaking (4) - Decorating with silk flowers and Precious Moments figurines, underwear darning lessons, advanced vacuuming, removing clogs from kitchen disposals without sacrificing more than one digit, cooking wholesome American fried foods for a man of God, bed making, trash disposal, listening to and performing successfully husbandly demands and orders.

2nd Semester
510 - Early Baptist Sexuality (4) - What is an "orgasm?" and how to avoid having one, undefiling a wedding bed, early upper body massage, light petting, kissing 101, laying still, scripture memory.

521 - Baptist Pregnancy (4) - Keeping up with household duties, advanced Baptist husbandry, advanced care and grooming, putting your Godly husband first in times of stress and sickness, scripture reading to your unborn baby, getting your own damned pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night.

527 - Baptist Birthing (4) - Creation science and the miracle of birth, Breastfeeding - a Gateway Sin, Resuming the joys of full submission to your Godly husband upon returning from the hospital.

3rd Semester
532 - The Joys of Marriage and Family (4) - Remedial homeskooling, bed-time prayers, preparing a first vacation, ignoring your personal needs, finding your identity through your husband.

537 - Advanced Homemaking (4) - Cooking for more than one, choosing which Campbell's soup to use in each night's casserole, entertaining wealthy Christian guests, advanced grocery shopping, advanced scrubbing, completing your child's chores, expert Baptist husbandry techniques, early church involvement, family scripture time, advanced prayer, gardening 101.

539 - Baptist Motherhood (4) - When a Sissy-Boy says "no" to sports, raising a Christian daughter in a wicked world, running a black light over your son's sheets, keeping yourself attractive enough to stimulate your husband in the later years lest the Lord call him to find someone who will, letting go of your children, care and management of your husband in the later years, advanced church involvement, remembering Pastor in your will, avoiding gossip, advanced gardening, remedial knitting, coming out of a crisis of faith ("should I spend this money on prescription poison from large pharmaceutical companies or tithe?") with a victory!

[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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OperaTenor
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Pisa-Carp
As someone who spent the first 18 years of his life in the same Conservative Baptist church in a little flyspeck of a town in Arizona, I love Landover Baptist.

:sombrero:


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Daniel\
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:angry:

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Dewey
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HOLY CARP!!!
You are intelligent enough to know that there are untold thousands of conservative Protestant believers across this country, and frankly, the world, who despite having different political and theological positions from you, are actually very sincere, intelligent, good-hearted people who wouldn't do a thing to hurt or discomfort you. They're too busy simply living their lives, quietly trying to live according to their understanding of faith and helping their friends and neighbors.

The fact that their viewpoints don't coincide with yours is not sufficient grounds for the unprovoked bigotry, intolerance, and ridicule embedded within posts like this.

There are certainly many among them who are narrow minded and judgmental, and who exhibit fear and distrust of the "other" by lashing out and making mean-spirited, xenophobic comments about people who aren't just like themselves. But then, this post seems to be nothing more than that, either.
"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685.

"Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous

"Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011

I'll answer your other comments later, but my primary priority for the rest of the evening is to get drunk." - Klaus, 12/31/14
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Why don't you just post about how a black college is offering degrees in singin', dancin' and eatin' watahmelon and fried chicken? Same thing.

I know you meant this as funny, but it goes a bit far, don't you think?
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!


A Mormon Bishop got on an empty elevator on the 10th floor. On the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in. On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said:

"Can you make me feel like a true woman?"

The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes. He then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman, pointed to the clothes and said:

"Now fold them".

"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
Well, I thought it was very funny, Rick, even if others didn't.

To cross-reference a thought I had in another thread, why is it OK to be rude about the French, but not Christians?

Next time somebody feels like writing something about how cowardly the French are, read about the Battle of the Somme, and then post it.

[John D'Oh is going to continue making jokes about the French, and most everybody else come to that]
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!
John D'Oh
Aug 4 2006, 08:19 AM
Well, I thought it was very funny, Rick, even if others didn't.

To cross-reference a thought I had in another thread, why is it OK to be rude about the French, but not Christians?

Next time somebody feels like writing something about how cowardly the French are, read about the Battle of the Somme, and then post it.

[John D'Oh is going to continue making jokes about the French, and most everybody else come to that]

Me too, John.

I'm an equal opportunity offender.
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
dolmansaxlil
Aug 4 2006, 08:29 AM
John D'Oh
Aug 4 2006, 08:19 AM
Well, I thought it was very funny, Rick, even if others didn't.

To cross-reference a thought I had in another thread, why is it OK to be rude about the French, but not Christians?

Next time somebody feels like writing something about how cowardly the French are, read about the Battle of the Somme, and then post it.

[John D'Oh is going to continue making jokes about the French, and most everybody else come to that]

Me too, John.

I'm an equal opportunity offender.

If you only make jokes about people you disagree with, then they're not really jokes anymore.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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TomK
HOLY CARP!!!
dolmansaxlil
Aug 4 2006, 08:29 AM
John D'Oh
Aug 4 2006, 08:19 AM
Well, I thought it was very funny, Rick, even if others didn't.

To cross-reference a thought I had in another thread, why is it OK to be rude about the French, but not Christians?

Next time somebody feels like writing something about how cowardly the French are, read about the Battle of the Somme, and then post it.

[John D'Oh is going to continue making jokes about the French, and most everybody else come to that]

Me too, John.

I'm an equal opportunity offender.

Children.

See that thingie under my avatar? They just don't give those things away--you have to EARN them--the hard way. Get one of them and only then you can truly call yourselves equally offensive to everyone. :D
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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
TomK
Aug 4 2006, 08:33 AM

Children.

See that thingie under my avatar? They just don't give those things away--you have to EARN them--the hard way. Get one of them and only then you can truly call yourselves equally offensive to everyone. :D

He taunts me, Master. Let me post nasty thingsssss, PLEAAAASE....

:)
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Mark
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HOLY CARP!!!
Landover is Nationally Respected?

:lol2:

___.___
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o 0
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
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Phlebas
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Bull-Carp
John D'Oh
Aug 4 2006, 04:19 AM


Next time somebody feels like writing something about how cowardly the French are, read about the Battle of the Somme, and then post it.


Yeah, they weren't all shot in the back there were they.

I thought it was pretty funny too (lighten up people). I'm Episcopalian, and we're often called "God's frozen people."
I love religious jokes.

Q. - What aren't fundamentalist Christians allowed to have sex standing up?
A. - Because it leads to dancing.
Random FML: Today, I was fired by my boss in front of my coworkers. It would have been nice if I could have left the building before they started celebrating. FML

The founding of the bulk of the world's nation states post 1914 is based on self-defined nationalisms. The bulk of those national movements involve territory that was ethnically mixed. The foundation of many of those nation states involved population movements in the aftermath. When the only one that is repeatedly held up as unjust and unjustifiable is the Zionist project, the term anti-semitism may very well be appropriate. - P*D


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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
Landover IS nationally respected....

Unsaved unwelcome. As Jesus commanded.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Mark
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HOLY CARP!!!
Oh! it's that parody site.

:lol2:

I thought this was that group of idiots that protest at soldier's funerals.

My mistake.









___.___
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o 0
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
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The 89th Key
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John D'Oh
Aug 4 2006, 08:19 AM
Well, I thought it was very funny, Rick, even if others didn't.

To cross-reference a thought I had in another thread, why is it OK to be rude about the French, but not Christians?

Next time somebody feels like writing something about how cowardly the French are, read about the Battle of the Somme, and then post it.

[John D'Oh is going to continue making jokes about the French, and most everybody else come to that]

It might be funny, but so are some racial jokes.
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JBryan
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I am the grey one
As good a place as any for this:

The Pastor's Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again !

The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


The bishop was buried the next day.


"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
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Rick Zimmer
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Dewey
Aug 4 2006, 04:32 AM
You are intelligent enough to know that there are untold thousands of conservative Protestant believers across this country, and frankly, the world, who despite having different political and theological positions from you, are actually very sincere, intelligent, good-hearted people who wouldn't do a thing to hurt or discomfort you. They're too busy simply living their lives, quietly trying to live according to their understanding of faith and helping their friends and neighbors.

The fact that their viewpoints don't coincide with yours is not sufficient grounds for the unprovoked bigotry, intolerance, and ridicule embedded within posts like this.

There are certainly many among them who are narrow minded and judgmental, and who exhibit fear and distrust of the "other" by lashing out and making mean-spirited, xenophobic comments about people who aren't just like themselves. But then, this post seems to be nothing more than that, either.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned....

I guess I would take this seriously, Dwain, if I had seen even one such comment from you about Larry's sock, Stainweggie, who has in fact spoken of watermelon, and his women as whores, etc..

But then, you seem to not find fault with those you share political views with.

If you are going to take the moral high ground, Dwain, do so consistently; otherwise you lose credibility.

And if you don't want to do that, then just chill and enjoy social satire.
[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
It was a good laugh.

Being in a group that is frequently gets the short end of the stick ( so to speak :D ) I also got Dewey's point.

I do find lots of humor about my group to be funny too.
To me it is not the material itself that offends. (Usually)
It is the context and intent of the person telling the joke.

I wouldn't tell these kind of jokes on a job interview.
I might find it less funny if told by a certain person who has demonstrated again and again what I perceive to be genuine hate for my group.

Kevin and Bean put it well; They have a morning radio show in Los Angeles on KROQ.
Here is an approximate quote:
There is something funny about each and every one of us.
We are ALL funny.
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John D'Oh
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MAMIL
The 89th Key
Aug 4 2006, 09:31 AM
John D'Oh
Aug 4 2006, 08:19 AM
Well, I thought it was very funny, Rick, even if others didn't.

To cross-reference a thought I had in another thread, why is it OK to be rude about the French, but not Christians?

Next time somebody feels like writing something about how cowardly the French are, read about the Battle of the Somme, and then post it.

[John D'Oh is going to continue making jokes about the French, and most everybody else come to that]

It might be funny, but so are some racial jokes.

I would say that making jokes about the cowardly French is objectively considerably more offensive than making jokes about very right-wing 'Christianity'. Let's face it, the cowardly French almost lost an entire generation in the 1914-1918 war, orders of magnitude more soldiers died than the US, for example. In my opinion, this has left a deep and lasting scar on the national psyche, which could well explain much of their subsequent behaviour during the 1930s and 1940s, which they are lampooned for so unmercifully.

Which is worse, laughing at bible thumpers or mocking 2 million dead French soldiers?
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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The 89th Key
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Personally, I don't mind any jokes - racial, religious, political, or squeaky-clean. They don't offend me and I like a good laugh. The only problem is when it indirectly spreads hate, intolerance, or ignorance about a certain people, religion, etc.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
The article was humorous. The problem however, is that Rick is the one who posted it. The reason that's a problem is because Rick hates Christians, particularly, he hates Protestants. So his motivation for posting the article wasn't to have a little innocent fun, his reason for posting it was because he could hide his bigotry behind humor.

If a Catholic equivalent existed on the internet and someone posted a similar article making fun of Catholicism, Rick would not be amused. He would come out swinging with all the inverted logic he could muster.... that's because Rick worships his religion. It's his god. His god trumps your god, and therefore your god is open for ridicule while his god is not. Rick posted the article so we could all laugh at Protestants.

Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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Dewey
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HOLY CARP!!!
"I guess I would take this seriously, Dwain, if I had seen even one such comment from you about Larry's sock, Stainweggie, who has in fact spoken of watermelon, and his women as whores, etc..

But then, you seem to not find fault with those you share political views with."


Your claim that I'm one-sided has been proven wrong before. I won't waste time defending myself against it again here.


"And if you don't want to do that, then just chill and enjoy social satire."

The last defense of bigotry since time began. :rolleyes:

Rick, do you notice anything even slightly different between what you posted and the follow up jokes that others did? They were actually meant as jokes, and they didn't come off as mean-spirited or mocking. You're falsely trying to hide religious bigotry - and this, and past posts of yours have clearly shown that that's what it is - behind a screen of supposed humor. You can't get away telling "nigger jokes" by calling it "social satire."

This post, which I know you didn't originally write, is not really satire or humor. Its entire intent is to devalue, diminish, marginalize, a large number of individuals. The comments are really only funny to those who in one degree or another share the smug, self-righteous bigotry against those people held by the original writer. Ironically, so many of these bigots undoubtedly consider themselves paragons of tolerance and enlightenment. In reality they're no more tolerant, no more enlightened, than the worst redneck fundamentalist Christian stereotype - they just wear nicer clothes and have more impressive addresses.

Maybe what surprises me most about your willingness to post such offensive garbage about others - paticularly those who are fellow members of your own faith, just different parts of the same Body.

As kenny said, "To me it is not the material itself that offends. (Usually)
It is the context and intent of the person telling the joke." Through past posts, you have repeatedly given sufficient context to understand the insulting intent behind the words. You just simply have no use for the kind of people being parodied and stereotyped in that post.

I grew up amongst those kind of people, Rick. And there are a lot of views that they hold that I don't share, politically and religiously. But I also know that there is much, much good about them - too much good to make personal attacks like that piece fair. It isn't "just a joke."

Not only that, but it's amazing that you'd do so, so soon after you pounced on Mel Gibson's drunken comments. Were those just "social satire," too?

There are two differences between this post and Gibson's offensive words. Gibson could offer the excuse of being drunk when speaking them; and at least after he sobered up, he apologized.
"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685.

"Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous

"Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011

I'll answer your other comments later, but my primary priority for the rest of the evening is to get drunk." - Klaus, 12/31/14
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The 89th Key
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Interesting point, Larry.

If I cracked jokes about French people, Blacks, Jews, or even Whites...people know I don't have any problem with them at all, so it wouldn't be as much of a deal as if I cracked jokes about homosexuals, when every knows here that I don't support such activity. Thus my "bigotry" would be hidden behind humor, which is something to notice....compared to nothing hidden behind humor if I cracked a joke about limies.
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Dewey
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HOLY CARP!!!
Oh, Limey jokes are always OK.

^_^
"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685.

"Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous

"Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011

I'll answer your other comments later, but my primary priority for the rest of the evening is to get drunk." - Klaus, 12/31/14
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