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Burning the NYT
Topic Started: Jul 7 2006, 11:55 AM (265 Views)
Rick Zimmer
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From the Landover Baptist Church, where the worthwhile worship and the unsaved ar not welcome, as Jesus commanded.

NYT Burning

Landover's July 4th New York Times Burning Covers Half of Des Moines in a Heavy Blanket of Soot and Ash
True Christians in Action

Freehold, Iowa - "I almost broke my kneecap from slapping it so hard with laughter when I saw them city folks on Fox News," said Pastor Deacon Fred. Their faces were all covered in the black, sooty remains of that Marxist treason rag. It looked like a city full of pop-eyed Negroes! I saw more than a few old gray ladies shuffling around like they needed a good dusting! Nice to know that the Jew York Times could finally do something useful -- make me laugh -- even if it took burning over 12,000 of them to do it. And the wonderful thing about burning newspapers, instead of books, is that they provide their own kindling. Glory to God!"

"I want you to know that I called Mr. Bush this very morning and suggested a great idea for protecting our government's secrets from the prying eyes of nosy taxpayers. I told him to just outsmart them by following Landover's example and burn every single piece of paper in the White House, the CIA and the Library of Congress. That way, there won't be any confidential documents for New York Times reporters to insert in their buttocks and smuggle out of DC, to later wipe off and publish to the delight of all them overly curious people who read newspapers."

After the enormous success of Landover Baptist's 45-foot bonfire, representatives of the paper tried to put on a brave face in a press release by citing to the fact that they had run through a $12,765 charge on the church's American Express Black Card for the cost of the papers.

"What in tarnation is a newspaper doing releasing a press release for?" Pastor Deacon Fred asked in response to the New York Times statement. "That's like Reba McEntire hiring someone to sing at her own wedding! Them folks at the Jew York Times act all surprised our church could afford over $12,000 of their lousy, secrets-blabbing papers? I don't know what kind of business they think we are in that that kind of money would mean anything to us. They must think we are a hardware store selling hammers -- instead of a Christian church selling Jesus! What those folks in New York don't realize is that this is just the beginning of their humiliation. Next week, we're going to buy $50,000 of their dang Sunday papers. And the week after that: even more! You mark my words! We'll see who has the last laugh, won't we?"



[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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George K
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Finally
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A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


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John D'Oh
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What nonsense. Everybody knows that God plays X-box 360.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
That's if you accept BILL GATES into your heart.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Dave Spelvin
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Thank god there are true Christians who will take on the Jew York Times. When they've finished with them, maybe they can tackle the Elders of Zion and Hannukah Harry.
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Kincaid
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HOLY CARP!!!
You'd think liberals would be better at satire.
Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006.
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Rick Zimmer
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Kincaid
Jul 7 2006, 01:34 PM
You'd think liberals would be better at satire.

Well, there is this one.....

Pew News: President Bush Reveals His 18-Hole Plan to Invade Iraq

President Bush Reveals His 18-Hole Plan to Invade Iraq

(AP) Using a golf ball and a set of Ping clubs, President Bush demonstrated to members of the press his administration's current plans for bringing down Iraqi Saddam Hussein.

"You see," said the President, using a seven-iron to point, "That Osama fellow was hard to hit because he was in the rough. So that whole 'we got to hit Osama to win the game' thing was sort of a mulligan. We just forget about all that. But, you see, that Saddam fellow is out there on the green. It's almost like he has a big sick in his head with a flag flying. Sure, you can miss a few times, but you know where the sonofabitch is. So, eventually, you are going to drop him."

Later, Mr. Bush showed the press specifically what he has in mind for Saddam Hussein when he placed a glistening Titlest pond ball, retrieved that morning by his mother Barbara, on a tee. "You see that there ball?" asked the President. "Well, that is Saddam's head. Only white. Tee-hee. And this here club is me."

The President made sure the press understood his analogy by asking: "You following me here? The ball is Saddam and the club – well, actually, just the heavy metal part at the very end – is me! Hee-hee. Now watch what I plan to do to the bastard."

After several swings, the President made contact with Mr. Hussein, sending a pack of Secret Service agents scurrying into an adjacent parking lot to find him. Afterward, turning to his father in their golf cart, the President was overheard to remark, "I think Saddam knows that I mean business now. And everyone didn't believe me when I said this was going to be a working vacation. Thirteen holes down – only six to go!"

[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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Rick Zimmer
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Although, sometimes film reviews are good:

Superman: Back From Another Galaxy to Rape Your Girlfriend and Destroy Your Family
Look -- up in the sky! It's Jesus! It's His Daddy! No, it's just some crazy homo in his underwear!

Pastor's Film Review

Friends, this afternoon I wasted over two perfectly good golfing hours at the AMC Christian Mall 74 watching Superman Returns. I have to say up front that the only redeeming feature in this entire movie is that it provides a refreshingly candid "coming attractions" preview of what Heaven is going to look like. By that I mean that although the theater was full of cheering negroes jabbering into their stolen Razr cell phones, there was not a single colored person in the entire film. As angry Moses on the mountain is my witness, not a one! I'd like to salute the movie makers for following Barbara Walters' lead and firing every colored face in sight. For, as we know, during the original time of Superman, there were only a handful of blacks in the country, so in this regard the writers maintained the authenticity of that once near-perfect world. Regrettably, my satisfaction in seeing affirmative action blown into smithereens was fleeting, for there seems to be something even more powerful than a locomotive in America: political correctness. You see, Superman is now fighting for "truth and justice" instead of "the American way." I remember a time when he used to fight for all three. Now, I realize that after the O.J. trial, weapons of mass destruction, Abu Ghraib and the Gitmo Concentration Camp, those three things may now be inconsistent, but if Superman had to choose, he should have gone with Old Glory!

Friends, the whole premise of this movie will rankle any person of faith. As True Christians™, we only believe in one flying superhero. And He doesn't wear a skimpy bikini -- Superman's is so tight you can see if his genital herpes is in remission. And He doesn't wear a cape, flouncing around like the notorious homosexuals Salvador Dali or Oscar Wilde. No, our cloud dwelling hero wears a simple, modest robe. The fact that He wears absolutely nothing underneath is only His business -- and those upward-looking folks flying below Him as they are raptured to Glory. It is most certainly nothing He shows off by hovering around making sure everyone in town can get an eyeful. Our hero's name? His name is Jesus Christ, and he will not be mocked -- or dressed to look like a ballerina. I believe this film mocks Jesus Christ in countless ways (I gave up after #107). There are dozens of scenes where we see this so-called "Superman" mocking our Lord's death on the cross by slumping his body like a crucified clown in a flashy blue outfit as he looks down upon the Earth with a tear in his eye. That ought to make your blood boil as a believer! I yelled out, Shame on you! Go kill yourself for me and then we'll talk, Mr. Cry Baby Fake Savior! at the top of my Godly lungs every time such scenes were depicted!

I hear through the reliable whispers in our Christian grapevine that the homosexual community has adopted this Superman hero as their new mascot. Knowing this, I was on the lookout for any tell-tale signs of tomfoolery. I noticed that if you pay very close attention to the caped crusader, when his cape is lifted - you can see that his buttocks are hardened with muscle in such a way that the crease of his fancy little outfit rides into the crack of his fanny so deep that I had to close my eyes in fear that I might be lured into some form of ungodly lust. I just thank God that viewers were spared any scenes of sodomy in the elevator between Jimmy Olson and Clark Kent, although it was obvious enough to this man of God what was going on between those two during office hours. My guess is that the openly gay director of this film, has added that footage to his private collection.

I don't doubt that the homosexual community is going to love this movie. In addition to being able to watch a muscle man wear his underwear on the outside and go through more leotards in a week than the Bolshoi Ballet, it also glorifies the moral decay of the traditional American family. We know that Superman fornicated with Lois Lane roughly five years before he returned from his home in Uranus, or whatever they are calling it. His sperm also appears to be faster than a speeding bullet, as the result of that fornication produced a child out of wedlock, a whimpering little sissy boy with long hair, no less. And the writers of the film fail to address the immoral nature of this relationship, other than to say that Superman will "be around," to care for the child. Well, for a movie devoid of colored folks, Superman sure does act like an authentic black man when faced with a little bundle of burping, popping responsibility. They may as well call him "Superbabydaddy" because a real man marries a woman before he deserts her! I wonder how many other children he'll father out of wedlock in the films to come. He'll probably leave a trail of orphans addicted to that drug kryptonite littered all over this otherwise uninhabited Universe.

After watching this film, I do hereby ban all Church members from seeing it. If you have any questions about the movie, you may make an appointment with me and we can discuss your concerns in the privacy of my office. If I am out golfing, please leave a message with the church secretary and we can schedule a time when it is convenient for me.
[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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Dave Spelvin
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Kincaid
Jul 7 2006, 12:34 PM
You'd think liberals would be better at satire.

I apologize. Anti-semitism and book-burning leave me dumb and heavy-handed.
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George K
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Finally
Very funny Rick, very funny. Remember watching TW3 (if you know what that means, you watched it!)?

Probably the funniest satire ever. It put SNL to shame (of course, these days, even SNL puts itself to shame).

"So long mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me....."
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
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Rick Zimmer
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George K
Jul 7 2006, 01:47 PM
Very funny Rick, very funny. Remember watching TW3 (if you know what that means, you watched it!)?

Probably the funniest satire ever. It put SNL to shame (of course, these days, even SNL puts itself to shame).

"So long mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me....."

You really are old! You know that don't you George? :wink:

I have often wondered why we don't have more like TW3.

Although, I suspect The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, teamed together, comes close in terms of its intent and in some ways is far better and more direct.
[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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Kincaid
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HOLY CARP!!!
The golf thing is not too bad, if I imagine Will Ferrell doing it.
Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006.
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Jeffrey
Senior Carp


http://www.landoverbaptist.org/sermons/dangcatholics.html

Why Do Catholics Worship Mary?

A Sermon By Pastor Deacon Fred


Welcome friends, please be seated. Thank you.
Folks, it's a sad fact that we've got so many unsaved people running around the State of Iowa - sooner or later we're bound to bump into a hell bound Catholic. You know what I'm talking about? We've known their kind for hundreds of years. They're the ones that used to kill people for reading the Bible back when True Christians had to hide out in order to Praise Jesus the right way. Truly Saved® Christians were always persecuted by the Catholics. Did you know that before they called themselves Catholics, they were called Romans? That's right! And they used to take folks like you and me and throw us to the lions. They even used to throw us up on crosses and light our heads on fire, until one of their fancy emperors decided there was enough money to be made by creating a state religion based on Christianity. So then the whole lot of Roman society became Catholic. And they took all the candle lighting, statue praying, and secret societies they used to have and just mixed them up with the Bible. Anyone who didn't agree with it, was either hunted down and killed or kicked out of the country.

Dear brothers and sisters, it's not too hard to see. These folks are still more pagan than Christian. Only now, their favorite goddess is Mary, the mother of Jesus. They try to be politically correct and say things like, "We don't pray to Mary, we just give her homage or ask her to run off and take our prayers to Jesus when He's too busy to hear them." Well, what the heck's the ding dang difference? Catholics are no better than pagans or Wiccans, praying to stone statues and trees. Even if they aren't in fact praying to Mary, which they are, Jesus is very clear in Luke 4:8 when he says, "You shall do homage to the Lord your God; Him alone shall you adore." In fact, Jesus' mother just got in the way most of the time. In Mark 3:31-35, we learn, "There came then his brethren and his mother, and, standing without, sent unto him, calling him. And the multitude sat about him, and they said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee. And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother, or my brethren? And he look round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother." It doesn't stop there friends. Did you know that Catholics are so darn stupid they believe that Mary was a virgin until the day she died? I guess they never read about what happened when Jesus visited his home town in Matthew 13:55-56 and all his old neighbors proclaimed, "Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas? And his sisters, are they not all with us?" You see! Mary had a whole litter of kids! Everyone in Nazareth knew it. But them Pope-lovin', candle-lighting, ring-kissin' Catholics deny it!

Something that should clue the world in is the fact that Catholics insist on getting ALL their information about the Bible from old men who like to play with little boys' penises. Does anyone here understand that? I think the only thing we can do is just say that Catholics must be mentally sick. I figure that's an accurate statement, seeing as how they think they're Christians and not a one of them has ever cracked open a Bible to find out what they believe in. They'd rather have an old pervert in a dress teach them about Jesus. They run off and lock themselves in a closet with a man in a skirt and confess everything. True Christians® who read the Bible know that there is only one advocate for confessing our sins. 1 John 2:1 says, "And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: and He is the propitiation for our sins." If that doesn't get your goat, Catholics are so Bible illiterate they even believe their priests have the power to forgive their sins! Mark 2:7 is pretty clear about who has the power to forgive sins, folks. It says, "Why doth this man (Catholic Priests) speak blasphemies? who can forgive sins but GOD ONLY." Oh, your typical Catholic will spit off nursery school rhetoric about "Father such and such is not really forgiving me." Well, what do Catholics know anyway? They are so dad gum ignorant that they even call their skirt wearing priests, "Father?" Well, Matthew 23:9 says; "And call no man your FATHER (this includes Priests) upon the earth: for one is your Father which is in heaven." I certainly wouldn't want to have to explain to God why I was running around on Earth calling every man I saw wearing a skirt and a collar my Father. Would you? No, I didn't think so. That's why we here at Landover Baptist are careful to use the word Daddy or Pappy when referring to even our kinfolk, dare we risk invoking God's wrath by a mere slip of the tongue.

You see, brothers and sisters, most Catholics really don't have any idea what they believe in. They just go to their so-called churches every so often, light a few candles, count a few beads, talk to a priest and head home. Can you imagine all them Catholics gettin' to heaven and God asking them, "Okay, now tell Me why you believe in Me." They'll all drop their jaws to the floor and say, "Well, I never thought of 'why' I believe in you, I was just told it was what I was supposed to do." Won't they be surprised when Jesus lifts his hand back and smacks their heads right off their shoulders into the lake of fire. Glory to God!

Folks, after all of this, Catholic people have the unmitigated gall to run their mouths off about being the so-called "first church," and other such nonsense. It's all hogwash! It gets so ridiculous after awhile it starts to sound like a broken record. And they're good at that too - repetition that is. Running off at the mouth like a broken record during prayers is something they borrowed from the pagans. In Matthew 6:7, Jesus warns Christians, "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking." The Catholics directly disobey the teachings of Jesus Christ. They still insist that the more times you say the same thing over and over again, the more likely God is to hear it. Well I'll tell you what Mr. Catholic! Why don't you just run off and find out where your damned religion came from! It certainly ain't the Holy Bible! You folks have re-written the whole thing anyway!.

Friends, I can't even go on here. Look at my face, see how flushed I am? You get me going on about the Catholics and I'm likely to have a heart attack. I just thank God that everything our youngsters know about the Catholic Church is what they've been hearing on TV. Most of our Truly Saved® Christian children are so terrified of priests that they can't even sleep at night. Let's open our hymnals to page 217 - Just As I Am, singing from the second stanza. . . "Just as I am. . ."

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Rick Zimmer
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Jeffrey
Jul 8 2006, 07:14 AM

Actually, this is pretty tame for what is on the Landover website about Catholics.

Unfortunately it is also pretty tame for some of the stuff I have seen actually distributed by fundamentalists about Catholics.

Might I point out the following from a Biblical Parent Guide wherein the Catholic Church is referred to as the Great Whore and Rome as the Anti-Christ -- all with annotated footnotes for proving their point and teaching children "truth":

Catholic Church Part 1

Catholic Church Part 2
[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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