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The White House Hotline; (for Rick)
Topic Started: Jun 16 2006, 04:01 PM (51 Views)
George K
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Finally
"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard.
Our new voice activated system will help direct you
to the proper office."

"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war
in Iraq, press 1."

"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and
the White House's endorsement of torture, press 1,... and then
say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about
(and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it
is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb)."

"If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American
citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know
that these calls will be recorded."

"If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement
of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call
will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If
you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the
phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that
all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year"

"If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness
to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct
any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can
explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where you
may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local
area."

"If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call
the private line ?, it is always open."

"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle,
please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you
should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although
please understand that your health coverage may not pay for
the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill
by declaring bankruptcy."

"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the
recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7,
unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses
under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear
about it."

"If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts
to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the
disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately
be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist
calling with new research findings or important clinical data,
please hang up, we don't want to hear from you."

"If you are calling to express concern about global warming and
our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9,
unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are
forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil
lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be
reached at Exxon 4-2611."

"If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to
"privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound key,
and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch,
who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the
stock market."

"If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools
or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10 and Reverend
Falwell will be with you shortly."

"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who
will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line
and the President will be with you immediately."

"If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy,
press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making
more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less
than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help
the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million
per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now
falling on you, please call back in a couple of years."

"Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options
again. Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure
to serve you.
 
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Rick Zimmer
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Fulla-Carp
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[size=4]Violence is incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul -- Benedict XVI[/size]
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