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| never mind | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 21 2006, 02:33 PM (468 Views) | |
| pianojerome | Apr 21 2006, 02:33 PM Post #1 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Emily Litella. Emily Litella: I'm here tonight to speak out against busting schoolchildren. Busting schoolchildren is a terrible, terrible thing. I hear this is going on all over the country. Mean policemen arrest little children and put them in jail in the wrong neighborhood, so they can't even play with their little friends. Imagine, busting schoolchildren! The food in jail isn't good, and even though they get bread, I don't believe they can get toast. Or nice cake. Now, who will tuck them in? Where will they hang their leggings? Where will they set up their little lemonade stands? Well, they don't have toys in jail, except maybe.. Chevy Chase: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella? Emily Litella: Yes? Chevy Chase: I'm sorry. The editorial was on bussing schoolchildren. Bussing. Not busting. Emily Litella: Oh. I'm sorry. Never mind. -------------------------------------------- Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old lady with squeaky voice] tonight's commentary is very important because I hear that President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico a steak! ... Now, why does he have to make them a steak? I didn't think those people even liked meat. ... Now, let me warn all of you. If you make Puerto Rico a steak, the next thing they'll want is a baked potato! With sour cream and chives and little tiny bacon bits and pieces of toast! And then they'll probably want a salad bar! Why, they'll be lined up for miles! If President Ford wants to be remembered as a great president in his final days, he should do something about the price of coffee! Not steak! It's outrageous! I can't believe what that man is doing-- Jane Curtin: Miss Litella. Emily Litella: What? What? Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Miss Litella, you've done it again. That's not "steak." President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico a state. Not a steak -- a state. Emily Litella: Ohhhhh. Well, I'm sorry. [squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. ... [applause] --------------------- Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old lady with squeaky voice] Uhh, what's all this fuss I keep hearing about this Christmas the United Nations is collecting money for unisex? Now, don't those kind of people have enough beauty parlors and clothing stores as it is? I mean, do they need more? Why, they're all over the place, these unisex places! The United Nations should be giving money to little children overseas, children who can use it, not to these weirdos! Jane Curtin: Uh, Miss Litella? Emily Litella: Why, it's outrageous! Jane Curtin: Miss Litella? Emily Litella: I can't believe-- What? What? Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Uh, that's "UNICEF." Not "unisex." The editorial was about UNICEF, the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund, not unisex. UNICEF. Emily Litella: Oh, well, well that's very different. [squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. ... --------------------------------- [ open on the Litella Sisters sitting at their kitchen table making toast ] Emily Litella: Well, Essie, shall we have some nice toast for lunch? Essie Litella: Oh, I love toast. But we had toast for breakfast. How about some nice cake? Emily Litella: Oh, well, we could toast it. Although, real toast is one of my favorites of the foods. Essie Litella: I know! Let's have raisin toast, and let's cut it in points. Emily Litella: Oh, lovely, Essie! But it's my turn to cut it, you cut it at breakfast. Essie Litella: That was five points! Emily Litella: Oh, Essie. [ puts bread in toaster ] There we go. Essie Litella: Emily? Emily Litella: Yes? Essie Litella: I'm so happy that you've become the correspondent on "News Update". Emily Litella: Oh, yes. Essie Litella: Have you decided what this week's editorial is gonna be? Emily Litella: Oh, no, I haven't, Essie. I'm going to need your help. Now, that Jane Curtin girl is gonna be so angry with me if I don't come up with something relevant! Now, Essie, what are the burning issues of the day? Essie Litella: Hmm.. the burning tissues of the day? Oh, that's ridiculous. How can you blow your nose on something that's burning? Emily Litella: Issues, Essie! Issues! Essie Litella: Oh, well, uh.. oh! There's this new fad.. uh.. transcendental medication. And then there's all this hoopla they're making over ships disappearing in the MacGruder Triangle. Emily Litella: Oh, oh dear, no, no, no. That's much too personal. Essie Litella: Well, then.. what is all this ruckus Ralph Nader's been raising about equipping every car in America with an air fag? Emily Litella: Air fag? Well, that's terrible! I didn't know there were enough of those homos to go around! I say let's keep them in Greenwich Village where they belong! Essie Litella: [ has cut her toast into the shape of a duck ] Look, Emily! A duck! Emily Litella: Essie! You watch your language! It's your filthy mouth that's kept you off the television all these years! Now, dear, dear, what am I going to do on "Update" this week? I mean, should I talk about toast? Essie Litella: Emily, let's pretend I'm the one who goes on "Update". Introduce me, come on. Emily Litella: Alright. [ ] And now, in response to a recent editorial that was shown on "Weekend Update", here, with an editorial reply - watch it, Essie - is Miss Essie Litella. Essie Litella: What's all this fuss I keep hearing about flea elrctions in China? If Oriental insects want to run for office, that is their business! Emily Litella: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella! Miss Litella! Essie Litella: What? Emily Litella: That's flea erections. Flea erections! Essie Litella: Oh. Well, that's very different. Never mind. Emily Litella: [ picks the mail off of the table ] Oh! Essie, look! A postcard from Norm Crosby. Let me read it to you: "Dear Litella Sisters, keep up the good worm, all my lunch - Norm." Well, that's pretty stupid. Let's toast it. [ drops the postcard in the toaster ] |
| Sam | |
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| jazzyd | Apr 21 2006, 02:43 PM Post #2 |
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Junior Carp
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Interesting... I think Ms Litella's groundbreaking comedy must have passed over these shores. Never mind. |
| One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards. | |
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| ivorythumper | Apr 21 2006, 04:32 PM Post #3 |
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
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"What's all this fuss I hear about 1976 presidential erections? I know that they erected a monument for Mr. Lincoln and President Washington, but that's because they're dead! Hopefully, the 1976 president won't be dead, so he won't need an erection . . ." |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
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| Dewey | Apr 21 2006, 06:25 PM Post #4 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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"Never mind.... bitch." |
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"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685. "Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous "Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011 I'll answer your other comments later, but my primary priority for the rest of the evening is to get drunk." - Klaus, 12/31/14 | |
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