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| Bad Jokes - They make life worth living | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 2 2005, 06:17 PM (734 Views) | |
| Steve Miller | Nov 2 2005, 08:59 PM Post #26 |
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Bull-Carp
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Wag more Bark less | |
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| kentcouncil | Nov 2 2005, 08:59 PM Post #27 |
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Fulla-Carp
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It was either this (previously posted at PW), or Helen Keller jokes: A young guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. A big dark-haired man, who is hunched over at the end of the bar, turns to the young guy and says: "If you give me that beer, I'll show you something really cool." The young guy shrugs and starts to slide the beer over, but then stops and says: "Wait. Show me first." The dark-haired man gets off his barstool and says: "Follow me. " They walk out of the bar, and the dark-haired man leads the young guy to the high-rise hotel next door. They take an elevator all the way to the rooftop, and the dark-haired man leads the young guy to the edge. He then says: "The cross-winds that hit the front of this hotel are just amazing. As they travel up the side of the building, they become so strong, they'll actually support your body weight." And without another word, and before the young guy can stop him, the dark-haired man vaults over the edge. The young guy watches in horror as the man plummets in free fall. But about half way down, the dark-haired man starts to slow down, and eventually drifts light as a feather to land on his feet on the sidewalk. The young guy thinks this is the most incredible thing he has ever seen. Without any hesitation, he too jumps off the roof... only to plunge to a grisly end on the pavement below. The dark-haired man shrugs and walks back into the bar, where he downs his beer. The bartender looks at him and shakes his head: "Boy, you sure are a mean drunk, Superman." (For the masochists among you, I have a Superman joke that is even worse...) |
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It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't. - P.G. Wodehouse | |
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| Newpianoplayer | Nov 3 2005, 02:19 PM Post #28 |
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Senior Carp
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A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. A medieval kingdom was situated on an island in the sea. A bridge connected the island to the mainland. The problem was, anyone who tried to cross the bridge would be attacked by giant mystical yellow fingers and dragged to the bottom of the sea. The king had sent his bravest knights to overcome the fingers and cross to the other side, but they all failed. One day, a young page wanted to make an attempt of his own. Neither the king nor his remaining knights believed he could do it, but before they could argue, the page was already half way across the bridge -- and, quite surprisingly, the yellow fingers did not rise out of the water to grab him. The moral of the story is: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers. Once there were three Indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands' teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for. The first slept on a deer skin. The second slept on a bear skin. The third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy. The third had twins. This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. A man ran into a hospital and yelled, "I have only 59 seconds to live." The receptionist said, "Just a minute, please." |
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| ivorythumper | Nov 3 2005, 05:55 PM Post #29 |
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
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A traveling salesman is staying overnight with a farm family. When the family sits down to eat, there’s a pig in a chair at the table. The pig has three medals hanging around its neck and a wooden leg. The salesman says, “Um, I see a pig is having dinner with you.” “Yep,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our baby son fell in the pond and was drowning, and that pig dove in, swam out, and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when our little daughter was trapped in a burning barn, and that pig ran inside, carried her out, and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stockyard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence, bit the bull’s tail, and saved the boy’s life.” “Yes,” says the salesman, “I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the wooden leg?” “Well,” says the farmer, “a pig like that — you don’t eat him all at once.” |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
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| kentcouncil | Nov 3 2005, 07:09 PM Post #30 |
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Fulla-Carp
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It's been a rough second term, and Dubya is praying for guidance before going to bed. In the middle of the night, he is woken up by a sound at the foot of his bed, and sees George Washington standing there! He asks Washington: "How can I make this a better country?" Washington replies: "Always be completely honest.", and vanishes. A little later, he wakes up again, and sees Thomas Jefferson! Once again, he asks Jefferson: "How can I make this a better country?" Jefferson replies: "Be true to the the principles of the Declaration of Independence.", and vanishes. A little later, Dubya wakes up yet again, and sees Abraham Lincoln! And once again, he asks Lincoln: "How can I make this a better country?" And Lincoln replies: "Relax. Go see a play." |
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It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't. - P.G. Wodehouse | |
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| John D'Oh | Nov 3 2005, 07:13 PM Post #31 |
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MAMIL
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" |
| What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket? | |
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| John D'Oh | Nov 3 2005, 07:15 PM Post #32 |
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MAMIL
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These two snails called Sam and Ralph live next door to each other and are very good friends. They're uncannily similar and are often mistaken for brothers. They're also really competitive and one day, whilst playing around pretending that they're racing cars, they start arguing about which one of them is the quickest. Well, one of their friends suggests that they should have a drag race on a nearby road to decide. They agree that it's a great idea and so a whole group of snails gather to watch them. So that they can tell them apart Ralph paints a huge R on his back and Sam paints a big S on his. The race begins and Ralph gets off to a terrific start. He's miles ahead (well, millimetres) of Sam and it looks like the race is all over, but gradually Sam catches up. Finally, just before they cross the finishing line, Sam passes Ralph, and the snails in the crowd begin to chant.. "S car go. S car go.!" |
| What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket? | |
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| George K | Nov 3 2005, 07:21 PM Post #33 |
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Finally
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You want bad? A guy walks into a bar. And says "ouch!" that's bad! |
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| George K | Nov 3 2005, 07:22 PM Post #34 |
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Finally
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Dog walks into a bar with a bandage on his foot. "Can I help you?" says the bartender. "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw..."
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Larry | Nov 3 2005, 09:57 PM Post #35 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" The frog says "Well, it started out as a wart on my ass." Two black women, sisters, one lives in the country, one lives in the city. The one that lived in the country came to visit her sister in the city. The go to Kmart to have their picture made, where a photographer was running a special on photos. He sits them straddled on a bench, one behind the other at an angle, goes to his camera, and puts his eye up to it. He turns the lens a little, then rolls the camera back. He turns the lens a little, then rolls the camera forward. The two sisters have a stiff smile frozen on their faces in anticipation of the snap of the photo. The country sister says "What's he doin'?" The city sister says "He gonna focus." The country sister hesitates for a moment and then says, "...... bof' us?"..... |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| Fish | Nov 3 2005, 11:29 PM Post #36 |
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Advanced Member
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A group of inspectors are asked to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the inspectors and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one inspector turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height and he gives us the length." ~~~~~~~~ A shipwreck survivor drags himself onto a desert island. Startled, he notices that the beach is purple, the bushes are purple, and so are the palm trees. Even the parrots flying around are purple. "Oh no," he says to himself, "I've been marooned!" ~~~~~~~~ Two cannibals have caught a comedian and are eating him. After a while the one cannibal says to the other: "Does your food taste funny?" |
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| dolmansaxlil | Nov 4 2005, 03:34 AM Post #37 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Maybe it's lack of sleep but:
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| Fish | Nov 4 2005, 03:57 AM Post #38 |
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Advanced Member
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Agitated patient: "Doctor doctor, I think I'm developing a split personality. One minute I think I'm a teepee and the next I think I'm a wigwam!" Doctor: "Calm down sir, I think you're just too tense". ~~~~~~~~ And, relating to those liquid/hovering threads: In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European Currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2001. From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating". Thank you for your attention. |
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| George K | Nov 4 2005, 04:15 AM Post #39 |
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Finally
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Psychiatrists secretary comes into the office. "Doctor, the man who thinks he's invisible is here." "Tell him I can't see him now."
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| George K | Nov 4 2005, 04:17 AM Post #40 |
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Finally
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Bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "Give me a gin ............................................. and tonic." Bartender says, "Why the big pause?" Bear holds up hand, "I don't know, I was born with them."
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Larry | Nov 4 2005, 04:18 AM Post #41 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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Doctor, Doctor.... I broke my arms in seven places! What should I do? Doctor: "Stay out of those places!" Doctor, doctor.... it hurts when I do this. What should I do? Doctor: "Don't do that!" A man goes to a psychiatrist. "It's not me Doc, it's my wife. She thinks she's a refrigerator." The psychiatrist says "Well, that's harmless enough. I don't see that this is something where she might harm herself or anything. Just leave her alone. "But Doc, you don't understand. She sleeps with her mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake." The two black sisters leave Kmart and are walking back to the city sister's apartment. On the way they pass a large commercial bakery. The factory building has huge swing out windows to let the heat out. The country sister stops to look in the window, and see's a huge fat guy with no shirt on working on the assembly line, sweating profusely from the heat. He scoops a wad of dough out of a huge bowl, pats it into a ball with his hands, then sticks the ball of dough into his armpit and squeezes it, then drops it onto a baking tray, one after the other. "Margaret! Come look at this guy making biscuits!" The city sister looks in the window and watches for a moment and then says "Ah, that's nothing. You should come by on Thursdays and watch him make doughnuts!" |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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| apple | Nov 4 2005, 06:18 AM Post #42 |
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one of the angels
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that's so my type |
| it behooves me to behold | |
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| Mark | Nov 4 2005, 08:05 AM Post #43 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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For his entire life this guy loves everything to do with Ludwig Van Beethoven. He dreams of going to Bonn to visit the grave of his hero. He saves for the trip and goes. He is kneeling in reverence at the grave of the great composer and he starts to hear music. "Who is that?" he asked. "It's me Ludwig Van Beethoven." says a voice from below. "What are you doing down there?" he asked. Beethoven responded... "What do you think I doing? I'm de-composing! |
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___.___ (_]===* o 0 When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells | |
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| Aqua Letifer | Nov 4 2005, 08:11 AM Post #44 |
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ZOOOOOM!
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A penguin, tired of constantly floating on ice all day, decided to take a vacation. He thought he should check out Arizona, as this is no place a penguin has ever been before. Driving through the desert, his car broke down. Luckily, he saw a sign that said "GAS STATION: 4 miles". He walked the 4 miles and found that the gas station had a diner and a garage out back. He asked the mechanic if he could fix his car down the road. "Sure penguin," he said. "Where is it?" The penguin said "Well, I'm a penguin you see, and the sun has really gotten to me. Mind if I go into the diner and get something cold to eat?" The mechanic waited for him outside. Luckily, the diner had ice cream sandwiches! The penguin ate one, but as he is a penguin with no hands, only flippers with which to hold the ice cream, he made a rather huge mess on his face. Afterwards, he and the mechanic drove over to his busted car. The mechanic looked down at the car, and noticed a pool of oil on the floor. "Ahh, I think I see your problem," the mechanic said. "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin got very embarassed, and said "oh no, it's not what it looks like! You see, it's just ice cream!!!" |
| I cite irreconcilable differences. | |
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| George K | Nov 5 2005, 04:40 AM Post #45 |
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Finally
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A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."
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A guide to GKSR: Click "Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08 Nothing is as effective as homeopathy. I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles. - Klaus, 4/29/18 | |
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| Larry | Nov 5 2005, 05:44 AM Post #46 |
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
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A policeman is cruising down the highway when he sees a convertible being driven by a little old lady, and the car is full of penguins. He pulls the car over and after checking her license and registration says "What do you think you're doing with those penguins?!" The little old lady says "Well, it was such a nice day I thought I'd take them out for a drive." The cop says "Lady, you take those things to the zoo right now!" The next day he's cruising down the highway and sees the same little old lady, the car still full of penguins. He pulls her over again, goes up to her door and says "I thought I told you to take those things to the zoo!" The little old lady says "Yes, and I did. They had such a good time there that today we decided to go to a museum!" Two carrots are walking down the road. A car comes around a curve and runs over one of the carrots. They rush it to the hospital, where for hours the other carrots paces back and forth in the waiting room worried sick about his partner. Finally the doctor comes into the waiting room to update the other carrot. He says "Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news...he'd going to make it, but he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life......" |
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Of the Pokatwat Tribe | |
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6:29 AM Jul 11