Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to The New Coffee Room. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
  • Pages:
  • 1
Bad Jokes - They make life worth living
Topic Started: Nov 2 2005, 06:17 PM (733 Views)
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
They've got to be BAD jokes.

An African chief was entertaining some guests who were visiting his village. It was traditional for the guest and host to exchange gifts. Two separate visiting parties both thought that it would be a good idea to present the chief with a throne, so that he could appear more regal to his people.

The problem he had was that all of the tribe including himself lived outdoors, coming indoors at night to sleep in a small house made of grass. What to do with the thrones? 'I know', thought the chief, 'I'll tie them to the roof of my hut, then I can retrieve them if they ever visit again, but they won't get in the way'.

That night, as the chief lay sleeping, an unusually high wind came in from the sea, leading to the straps holding the two thrones breaking, and falling through the roof. The chief's last thought, as the two enormous chairs landed on him was...

....People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dolmansaxlil
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
That was so bad that it's almost good.

Almost.
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
Come on folks, all I've had is one mildly insulting rejoinder from a Canadian schoolteacher. You can do better than this! Forget the endless war, don't give in to hatred and er, other nasty things - give me some jokes!
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
pianojerome
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Two friends are having lunch at a small restaurant. The waiter says, "Hello gentlemen, can I get you something to drink?"

"Yes," says the one. "I'd like a glass of tea, please."

"Me too", says the other. "And make sure the glass is clean."


So a few minutes later, the waiter returns:

"Two teas! And which one gets the clean glass?"
Sam
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
pianojerome
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
Teacher: "Sam, would you please close the window? It's cold outside!"

Sam: "Nu? If I close the window, will it be warm outside?"
Sam
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dolmansaxlil
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
pianojerome
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
dolmansaxlil
Nov 2 2005, 10:35 PM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

:lol:
Sam
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was a-buzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dolmansaxlil
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
John D'Oh
Nov 2 2005, 10:38 PM
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was a-buzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

*snicker
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
Where do Sith Lords shop?

At Darth Mall.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
pianojerome
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
This man dies and goes to Heaven. As soon as he arrives, he is immediately invited by God himself to have lunch in the Heavenly Palace.

So this man and God, they split a can of tuna fish, they tell some jokes, and have a pretty good time. So God says, "You know, that was fun. Let's have lunch together tomorrow!"

So the next day, again, they share a can of tuna fish, they tell some jokes, and have a pretty good time. Again, God says, "You know, that was fun! Let's have lunch together tomorrow."

And so every day of the week, they share a can of tuna for lunch, and they tell jokes, and have a pretty good time.

Well, by the end of the week, this guy's getting pretty tired of eating tuna fish every day for lunch. So he says, "you know, God, I love having lunch with you. It's wonderful! But why tuna every day? All of my friends in Hell - all they eat is steak, and turkey, and briscuit, and all sorts of breads, and they drink wine... how come all we eat up here in Heaven is tuna fish?"

"Well," replies God, quite candidly, "tell me, honestly. For just two people, does it pay to slaughter a whole cow?"
Sam
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dolmansaxlil
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
John D'Oh
Nov 2 2005, 10:39 PM
Where do Sith Lords shop?

At Darth Mall.

You asked for it...

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"


Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
Quote:
 
Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."


Oh God, I think I need to lie down.
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
pianojerome
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
This short skimpy guy goes to find a job at the lumber yard. The muscly foreman is a bit skeptical, so to prove his worth, the short skimpy guy chops down a towering oak tree in a mere ninety seconds.

"Wow!" exclaims the surprised foreman. "That's amazing! Tell me, where did you learn to chop wood like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest."

"You mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Oh, sure," replies the short skimpy guy. "Now it's a desert."
Sam
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
It's halloween, and a man hears a knock at the door. 'Trick or Treat!' says a small voice. The man looks down, to see a snail standing on his door step. 'Get lost' he shouts, picks up the snails and throws it to the end of his garden.

Next year, halloween evening, there's a knock at the door - it's the snail again 'What did you do that for?'
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
John D'Oh
Member Avatar
MAMIL
What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang,bang,clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting
What do you mean "we", have you got a mouse in your pocket?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JBryan
Member Avatar
I am the grey one
Two guys walk into the lumber yard and tell the guy working there, "We need us a bunch of 2x4s". Guy working there says, "How long?". One of the guys says, "Oh, we need them for a long time. We're building us a house".
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
George K
Member Avatar
Finally
Guy goes to a restaurant with his wife.

"I'll have a strip steak, medium rare."

Waiter says, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?!"

"She can order for herself."


(rimshot!)
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
George K
Member Avatar
Finally
John D'Oh
Nov 2 2005, 09:52 PM

An Amish drive-by shooting

The Amish don't have drive-by shootings.

:tsktsk:




They have drive-by shunnings.

:doh:
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JBryan
Member Avatar
I am the grey one
They have drive-by pitchforkings.
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
George K
Member Avatar
Finally
(continuing the Amish idea)


An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home, Officer."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake."
A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
George K
Member Avatar
Finally
SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

A guide to GKSR: Click

"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.

I'd rather listen to an hour of Abba than an hour of The Beatles.
- Klaus, 4/29/18
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JBryan
Member Avatar
I am the grey one
That is not a bad joke. It doesn't belong here. :D
"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne


There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it".


Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody.

Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore.

From The Lion in Winter.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
bachophile
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
and then donald duck took a trip to london, and decided in the evening to have an escort join him in his room.

when she arrived, she made it clear he would need a condom, and suggested to go down to reception, the concierge would help him out.

so donald went down to the concierge and asked if there was any way he could get a condom, and the concierge opened a drawer and took out a packet....

and asked.."and shall i put this on your bill?"

donald duck says, "what r u, some kind of nut?"
"I don't know much about classical music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg did on their wedding night." Woody Allen
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mark
Member Avatar
HOLY CARP!!!
A guy is walking through a carnival and sees a crowd checking out this horse that can do addition. The owner asks the horse, "what's 1 + 1?" The horse taps his front hoof 2 times. Applause! Then he asks "what's 2 + 2?" again the horse responds correctly.

The guy thinks, Hey! I have a donkey at home that is 10 times as intelligent as this horse! I can train him and get rich!

So, he spend the next few months training the donkey. Turns out the donkey can not only add but he can subtract, multiply and divide too! WOW! The guy thinks. "Wow! I will be really rich!"

He takes the donkey on the carnival tour but nobody pays to see him.

He asks the owner of the horse why people pay to see the horse but nobody will pay to see his donkey even though his donkey is more intelligent than the horse?

The guy replies...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Nobody likes a smartass!
___.___
(_]===*
o 0
When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Join the millions that use us for their forum communities. Create your own forum today.
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · The New Coffee Room · Next Topic »
Add Reply
  • Pages:
  • 1