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| Ok, 89th..... I gave you a head start; Now let's see if we can get this thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 1 2005, 12:32 PM (2,582 Views) | |
| Kincaid | Nov 1 2005, 03:21 PM Post #326 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Rumack : Captain, how soon can you land? Oever : I can't tell. Rumack : You can tell me, I'm a doctor. Oever : NO, I mean I'm just not sure. Rumack : Well, can't you take a guess? Oever : Well, not for another 2 hours. Rumack : You can't take a guess for another 2 hours? Oever : No, no, no. I mean we can't land for another 2 hours fog has closed down everything this side of the mountains. We've got to get through to Chicago. |
| Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006. | |
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| Kincaid | Nov 1 2005, 03:24 PM Post #327 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Denver : Flight 2-0-9er, this is Denver flight control. You are approaching some rough weather. Please climb to 42,000 feet. Oever : Roger, Denver. Elaine : We have a visitor. . . Oever : Hello. Murdock : Hi! Elaine : This is Captain Oever, Mr Murdock and Mr Basta. This is Joey Hammond. . . Oever : Well hi Joey. Murdock : Come on up here, you can see better. Oever : We have something here for our special visitors ( takes out a model airplane for Joey ), would you like to have it? Joey : Thank youuuuuuu! Thanks alot! Oever : Sure. You ever been in a cockpit before? Joey : No sir, I've never been up in a plane before. Oever : You ever . . . seen a grown man naked ? Murdock : Do you want me to check the weather Clarence? Oever : No, why don't you take care of it. Joey, did ya ever hang around a gymnasium? Elaine : We'd better get back now Joey! Oever : Noooooooo, Joey can stay here for a while if he'd like. Joey : Could I? Elaine : Okay, if you don't get in the way. Murdock : Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise at 42,000. Will report again over Lincoln. Over and out. Joey : Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers. Murdock : I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with some- one else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot. Joey : You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets. Murdock : I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence? Oever : Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here. Murdock : But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot. Joey : I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defence. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try . . . except during the playoffs. Murdock : The hell I don't!! ( grabs joey by collar ) LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes. Oever : Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? |
| Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006. | |
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| schindler | Nov 1 2005, 04:02 PM Post #328 |
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Fulla-Carp
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This thread has kind of slowed down. |
| We're all mad here! | |
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| ***musical princess*** | Nov 1 2005, 04:10 PM Post #329 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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It's because i stopped posting in it. ![]() x |
| x Caroline x | |
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| Luke's Dad | Nov 1 2005, 04:15 PM Post #330 |
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Emperor Pengin
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Ok, I'm back. What's next, jokes? How can you tell a blonde was using the computer? Whiteout on the screen! |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| Luke's Dad | Nov 1 2005, 04:26 PM Post #331 |
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Emperor Pengin
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1
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| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| Kincaid | Nov 1 2005, 04:35 PM Post #332 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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All my jokes take too long to type out except my favorite from David Letterman. "Scientists say that the brain is over 98% water. I guess that would be really bad-tasting water." |
| Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006. | |
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| Kincaid | Nov 2 2005, 11:25 AM Post #333 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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(sound of crickets chirping) Wow, that joke just killed this thread. Sorry LD. |
| Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006. | |
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| Aqua Letifer | Nov 2 2005, 11:26 AM Post #334 |
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ZOOOOOM!
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Tough room, Kincaid. Tough room.
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| I cite irreconcilable differences. | |
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| Riley | Nov 2 2005, 01:11 PM Post #335 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Hehe. Another good Letterman Quote. "This week in New York, is the Fashion Show. And the annual dog show is just leaving. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have bitches coming and going." |
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| Riley | Nov 2 2005, 01:14 PM Post #336 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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The following are the top four winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest: CONTENT WARNING! 1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter." 2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." 3. "One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'" 4. "This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the professor, going on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.'' |
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| The 89th Key | Nov 2 2005, 01:21 PM Post #337 |
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:lol:
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| Aqua Letifer | Nov 2 2005, 01:23 PM Post #338 |
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ZOOOOOM!
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Just thought I'd share this picture:
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| I cite irreconcilable differences. | |
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| Riley | Nov 2 2005, 01:23 PM Post #339 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Do not read if you are easily offended, or have no sense of humour! In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T). Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T) If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T) Thank you, Boss in General (B.I.G S.H.I.T) |
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| The 89th Key | Nov 2 2005, 01:23 PM Post #340 |
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Elementary? |
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| Riley | Nov 2 2005, 01:26 PM Post #341 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! THE MANAGEMENT |
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| Kincaid | Nov 2 2005, 01:49 PM Post #342 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Riley, As I was reading your post I was thinking of a"company memo" that was passed around regarding bathroom breaks. I was going to ask you if you might know if it and then I read the quote above. I wish I had the entire memo as this quote was only about the last paragraph and it was hilarious. |
| Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006. | |
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| The 89th Key | Nov 2 2005, 01:51 PM Post #343 |
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:lol:
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| Riley | Nov 2 2005, 01:59 PM Post #344 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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This one? In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions. |
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| Kincaid | Nov 2 2005, 03:52 PM Post #345 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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That's it! I love the way it starts out kind of reasonable, in a Big Brother Corporate way, and then gets more and more absurd. |
| Kincaid - disgusted Republican Partisan since 2006. | |
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12:34 AM Jul 11