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Between a rock and a hard place; ...I need your advice.
Topic Started: Jul 17 2005, 07:54 PM (332 Views)
The 89th Key
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This situation has been killing me! Any real advice would be most appreciated! :)

Ok, so my best friend (23 years old) has a 20 year old sister, I'm good friends with her too. I've known both of them for about 10 years...and for the last 9 months, his sister has been seeing this 29 year old guy (who moved a few months ago and now lives 2 hours away, so she visits him every now and then).

The age thing was at first really weird. But that's all in the past now, not an issue as much.

And the sister confides in me all the time...not a big deal, just being a friend, ya know?

So she told me about the boyfriend before she told her family, but as her friend I didn't tell my best friend about it...because that's her business, no one's hurt. The family has known now for a while and is fine with her seeing this guy. All is well, right?

WELL, so she told me a few weeks ago that the boyfriend actually has a 9 year old daughter, from a previous non-marriage relationship. :eek:

She wanted my opinion on how her family would react, and I told her straight up that I think it's a bad idea to pursue the relationship any farther, since right now they are in the "like, but almost LOVE" stage, and there's still reasonable time to "break up" with minimal damage. I also told her that her family (mom and brother) would be 100% against this relationship.

Sorry if this is confusing.

Anyway, so she has kept this 9-yr old daughter a secret from her family, and it's been eating at me since I obviously want to tell my bestfriend since he looks out for his sister in very much of a loving/protective dad sort of way. (Their dad died 11 years ago).

Anyway, so recently the boyfriend might move to Florida and the sister has been hinting that she might want to move down with him.

My best friend tonight mentioned how it would be interesting, but it's her life, and it's not the worst situation if his sister goes down to Florida with the guy.

BUT HE AND THE MOM BOTH STILL DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE 9-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!!!

Soooo, the big question is...should I tell my best friend?

If I do, I'm completely betraying the sisters trust in me, but if I don't my bestfriend will be caught totally off guard when he finally finds out.

He won't know that I knew the whole time...but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried that he's going to sign his "approval" on the relationship and possibly a major move without knowing the whole situation.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE....what would YOU do in my situation? :shrug:
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Quidam
Advanced Member
wow... I'm sorry you have to deal with this!

Obviously, the girl won't trust you the same way if you tell her brother. She'll probably be angry, and things won't be so great, but what's worse: letting those things happen, or letting her possibly screw up her life and get hurt a lot more deeply?

jmho... will pray for sound judgment for you
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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
She is not a child, and you are not the parent.
This is her life, not yours.

My opinion is that people get themselves into the exact kind of situations they need in order to learn what they need to learn.
And they learn it on their own timetable, not mine.
(Besides there may be no problem here, and they may live happily ever after.)

Whatever happens it is not your responsibility; It is hers.
Show her respect by letting her do her own work.

At the same time I would not hesitate giving my honest gut reaction to her in private.
I'd be careful to not give advice or tell her what to do.
I'd say, "If I were myself and in that situation I would . . . . . .because . . . . ."
I'd leave it at that.
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Fizzygirl
Fulla-Carp
Personally I don't see a problem here. So what if the guy is a father? Big deal! It's her family and she will pick the right time to tell them. Don't be a budinski. What is meant to happen will happen. She told you in confidence....so keep that confidence and don't become a tattletale. I agree with Kenny in that you could share with her your concern, but she must make this decision on her own.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. ~ Garrison Keillor


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jodi
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Fulla-Carp
I agree with both Kenny and Fizzygirl. She's an adult. She gets to make her own decisions and her own mistakes, you don't need to go making it any harder for her. Share your concerns with her in private, but other than that, stay out of it. And you know, what? It might not end up being a mistake after all. She might have a really happy life with the guy. Whatever happens, you need to be a supportive friend.

:) Jodi
:) Jodi
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ivorythumper
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
Have you talked to her about why she is keeping this from the family, and let her know that it puts you in a precarious situation? You might even ask her what would happen if you accidently let something slip in normal conversation with your best friend.

You might assure he that you respect her confidence, and that you are bringing this up precisely because you so much respect her and her confidence, and that you see an obvious impending confrontation, and want to help her handle the inevitable.

If it truly was told to you in confidence (and no legal issues are at stake), then you have a very serious obligation to protect that confidence and to not violate it. But you also have every right to talk to her about the position it puts you in.

Good luck!
The dogma lives loudly within me.
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Larry
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Mmmmmmm, pie!
I agree with everyone else. She's an adult. Your only obligation in this is to be the friend she thought you were when she confided in you. Don't break confidences and promises just because *you* think she's making a mistake. If you do, tell her, not other people. That's her call. They'll find out soon enough. She may find herself with a baby of her own and no boyfriend/husband to support it just like the other girl did. But she also might end up being happy with him the rest of her life, and grow old with the guy. Either way, you're just there as someone she can trust to confide in. It wouldn't be right to break that trust.
Of the Pokatwat Tribe

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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
89

Perhaps you should click on the psychic ad at the bottom of the page.

:D
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jon-nyc
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Cheers
I don't mean this to be argumentative - but seriously - it would seem to me that to walk-the-walk of beig pro-life, you shouldn't contribute to the social cost of having an out-of-wedlock baby. If he's a good father - celebrate that fact and add it to your reasons for liking the guy.

In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
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Mikhailoh
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If you want trouble, find yourself a redhead
Good point, Jon.

89th, my question to you is what would you hope to accomplish by telling someone? If you did tell them, do you think her family could/would stop her, at 20, from doing what she wants to do?

I think you are putting way too much importance on both the fact that this guy has a daughter and the fact that you know this and they don't.

Is there anything you have not told us, like what kind of father he is? If you know him to be abusive, or highly irresponsible, that could be another matter. The fact that he made a mistake at 19 is not necessarily a reflection of the man at 29.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead - Lucille Ball
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Dewey
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HOLY CARP!!!
Sorry to be a bit of a wet blanket here, but I disagree about a few things.

First, at 20, she's only "partially" an adult. Legal dispute over whether 18 or 21 constitutes "adult" aside, everyone here that's at least 30 years old knows that their thought processes were anything but mature at age 20.

If she were such an adult, she would not be engaging in this immature, childlike behavor of keeping the secret of the 9-year old from the rest of her family - but she can blab about it to a friend. The level of immaturity shown by this act doesn't bode well for the girl/woman, for the 29-year old boyfriend, or the 9-year old girl. Put bluntly, the 9-year old needs someone more mature than this person to be her mother.

Yes, legally, she's old enough to make her own decisions, and to enjoy or suffer the consequences of those decisions. But we all have decisions to make in life. Isaac, you have one facing you now: do you value not possibly, or probably, harming one friendship, more highly than you value doing what's all but undoubtedly the best thing for her longterm? If she is truly that immature, there's a huge chance that all three of the people immediately involved will suffer, and so will the rest of both families too. If the family finds out, and she goes ahead and does it, and things turn out well for her, what's the worst to happen? You lose a friendship? No offense, but you're in your early 20's, and you & your friends are all beginning to move all over the country, and your friendships are going to come and go whether you like it or not.

I'm sorry, but I think we have more of a responsibility to those that we love, and even those we call friends, than to clam up at the time that we're most needed as true friends - even if it means that the friend doesn't realize how much of a friend you're actually being until years later - or maybe even never.

And what about your friendship with her brother? Do you reallly think that he'll never know that you knew about this, and didn't tell him & his family? Hello, this is your 7:00 wake up call for Mr. 89th... do you think that friendship will suffer? You have to realize that, like it or not, this immature person has put you in a position where at least one frinedship is going to be at least harmed, and possibly destroyed.

A huge part of love is truth, Isaac. Not only within your friendship with this person, but between this gir/woman and her boyfriend and his daughter. If she can't be open and honest about both of them with her family, then what she's feeling for the man is lust, not love - and there certainly isn't any love - real love - for the little girl. Even if you want to say the sister is old enough to make her own mistakes, this is nothing to saddle the little girl with.

Sometimes, being the best friend means doing the hardest, and least popular thing, and realizing you'll pay a price for it.

Since you asked, here's what I'd do. I'd share a few of the concepts I outlined above with the girl/woman, just as food for thought. Not that there's any more than a thousand-to-one shot she'll give them any weight, or even be able to (she is still not mature enough to understand the full gravity of her pending decision). Then, I'd tell her that I didn't appreciate being put in this position. Finally, I'd tell her that it's such an important thing to share with her family that she had 48 hours to tell the family about the daughter, and if she hadn't come clean to the family in her own way, within that time, then I was going to tell them.

One thing I've learned, is that when something like this happens (a friend confides something like this to a friend, putting the friend in an impossible dilemma like this), it's just a subconscious way to get the truth out - to actually put the friend in the postition of being the "bearer of bad news" that the person really knows needs to come out, but that she doesn't have the courage to do herself. In short, this kind of crap is often a cry for help to get the information out.

Sure, other times the person really doesn't want it to come out. But in either case, is it indicative of a person mature enough to handle what she's about to jump into? NO.

Now, you've got to decide just how good a friend you really are - to your "guy" friend, to his sister, to his mother, and to that little girl.



"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685.

"Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous

"Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011

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FrankM
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Senior Carp
89th key,

You’ve seen two opposing viewpoints in this thread.

I suggest nobody is right or wrong here. My advice to you is to simply be true to yourself in this matter. That might sound like a cliché but I assure you it has the benefit of much hindsight and experience.

Your friends don’t have a generic friend in you. They have 89th key who has strong convictions and is as entitled as anyone else to act accordingly.

So I suggest you pick the post here that resonates most with you and go that way.
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The 89th Key
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Wow, TONS of advice here...very much appreciated!!!

The only reason this came up is because I was driving with my bestfriend and he mentioned how the sister might move to Florida, and I asked him if he was cool with that. He said, it's her life and he can't stop her. Plus it'll be good to get her out of the house and start living on her own.

So I ALMOST told him right then and there that if she was moving out with the boyfriend, that the boyfriend already has a 9-year old daughter...but I held back until I could find a better way.

The reason she hasn't told her family is because she knows they'll freak out, not approve, and that's good and bad.

It's good because she'll know how they feel, but it's bad because their reaction will push her farther away, and could prompt an even quicker "escape" to live with her boyfriend and his daughter. Something that's not good.

Basically, I appreciate all of the opinions here and I think I'll compromise with much that has been said here.

I think its obvious I can't sit back and do nothing. I've known this "secret" for about 2 months now, and I think next time I talk to the sister...I'll bring it up and tell her that I've been thinking about it and that she needs to tell her family ASAP.

Depending on her reaction (which I'm sure she'll joke at first and say, "no way!"), I'll have two steps:

1. Either I'll tell her I'm not kidding and that this is very important, and she'll take my advice.

or

2. She won't take my advice and I'll have to inform her that I'm going to tell his family if she doesn't, which would be the absolute last-case-scenario.

Again, thanks all for your valuable advice, it helped very much.
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