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| Pre-teens and the internet; Help! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 25 2005, 06:05 PM (659 Views) | |
| Luke's Dad | Jun 25 2005, 06:05 PM Post #1 |
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Emperor Pengin
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As some of you know, my 12 year old sister-in-law and 14 year old brother-in-law are visiting for a month. This puts us in a little bit of a difficult situation as far as rules and expectations. My wife wants to give them alot of leeway, and I expect them to live by the same rules we do, and will expect of Luke as he gets older. Today, my s-i-l was online in a community gameroom she 's a member of. The majority of the members are 12 year old girls. My wife was a little surprised when she peeked in and saw a discussion taking place of who on the board was lesbians, and or had been with a woman! There were also "teasing accusations and flirting". My wife didn't know what to do, so she let it continue, but monitored it, and joined in the conversation to try to steer it elsewhere. While this was going on, I happened to call home, and my wife told me what was going on. I told her to get offline immediately and shut down the computer. There's no way of knowing who's really on line, it could be 40 year old perverts capable of tracking IP addresses, and at the least, it's not appropriate behavior online for 12 year olds. Karla did as I said, and now the s-i-l is upset because I'm not allowing her online with her "friends". In dicussing it with her, I've learned that they do know that the one member is actually an 18 year old boy, and another member is a 54 year old man! I'm saying that she is not allowed on that chat/game room as long as it's on our computer. She's went to her father who has told her it's ok for her to go to that site, and I'm just over reacting. This is boiling down to a real problem between he and I. So? Am I over reacting? How should I handle this? I'm tempted to call the authorities and tell them about the site so that they can keep it on a watch list. What do you think? |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| QuirtEvans | Jun 25 2005, 06:09 PM Post #2 |
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I Owe It All To John D'Oh
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I'm with you, LD. Not appropriate for 12 year-old girls. If her father thinks you are overreacting, then he is free to let the child do as he pleases ... on his watch. Under your roof, though, it's your watch. Do what you think is right. Recognize that there may be consequences ... deterioration of the relationship with the father, the girl may not want to come to visit her sister. Sometimes, there are consequences for doing the right thing. Stick to your guns, though. |
| It would be unwise to underestimate what large groups of ill-informed people acting together can achieve. -- John D'Oh, January 14, 2010. | |
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| jodi | Jun 25 2005, 06:29 PM Post #3 |
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Fulla-Carp
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It's YOUR house. YOUR rules. PERIOD. Take her to the library. Jodi (whose 13 daughter does Neopets chatrooms and message boards all the time, and none of them involve 54 year old men who talk about lesbian relationships.) |
Jodimy artlog ~ todayatmydesk.weebly.com | |
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| The 89th Key | Jun 25 2005, 06:35 PM Post #4 |
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Yeah LD, your rules...period. What they are, is up to you. I wouldn't let my son/daughter online "freely" until they are at least 13. Before then, I would set aside a few site they could go to, and tell them you will be able to see if they stray away from those defined sites...even if you can't. |
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| Dewey | Jun 25 2005, 06:51 PM Post #5 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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LD, you're right on track. And jodi, our girls do the neopets thing, too! |
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"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685. "Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous "Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011 I'll answer your other comments later, but my primary priority for the rest of the evening is to get drunk." - Klaus, 12/31/14 | |
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| Luke's Dad | Jun 25 2005, 06:57 PM Post #6 |
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Emperor Pengin
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Thanks guys. It's not a matter of control. I'm mature enough and sure enough in myself to accept that I'm third in the chain of command in this family! It's more a matter of protection. This just isn't safe. I don't want to see anything happen to her here, or at home.
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| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| apple | Jun 25 2005, 07:08 PM Post #7 |
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one of the angels
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it's your house... good luck the spyware attached to kid spots are notoriously troublesome.. maybe you can use that excuse. |
| it behooves me to behold | |
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| Dewey | Jun 25 2005, 07:25 PM Post #8 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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I wasn't aware that you guys didn't have any pets. |
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"By nature, i prefer brevity." - John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, p. 685. "Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you." - Anonymous "Oh sure, every once in a while a turd floated by, but other than that it was just fine." - Joe A., 2011 I'll answer your other comments later, but my primary priority for the rest of the evening is to get drunk." - Klaus, 12/31/14 | |
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| dolmansaxlil | Jun 25 2005, 08:15 PM Post #9 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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I deal with this age group being online at school all the time. One of the things that I feel is very important is teaching internet safety. Obviously, in this situation, you aren't the person to do that. However, I do agree with the other that it is your house, and they have to play by your rules. On a more general note, I don't necessarily agree with 89th's view of having a few "ok" sites and everything else is off limits. We don't even do that in the schools. Our school rules regarding internet use (when the kids are given free time on the computers) is that they cannot go to any sites that have "inappropriate" content. That includes realistic violence and anything of a sexual nature. If they are caught doing so, they lose computer privledges. I will institute a similar rule in my house when Liam is older. As far as message boards, my rule for Liam would be that he shouldn't be posting anywhere where there is content he wouldn't feel comfortable with ME reading. It's amazing how much that filters out with that age group. I do believe that preteens need privacy - and I'm more than willing to give it. But I will tell Liam that I'm quite computer savvy, and if there is suspicious activity, I will sit him down with me while I check it out. I'm not into cloak and dagger spying with kids. He'll have a chance to tell me if he's been doing anything he shouldn't, and if he tells me, then the punishment will be far less than if I find out on my own. As far as what kind of talk goes on on a message board, I view it the same way I view the notes that kids pass at that age. I remember when I was 14, a girl and I were writing notes back in forth where one of us said (You'll just love this terminology) that we wanted to "jump some guys bones" (hey! I was 14!). Her mum found it and absolutely flipped out - forbid her to associate with me, etc etc. But it was just an expression and meant nothing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that kids talk big - and while there is a lot to worry about, you also can't take everything that is said in a literal way. |
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| Mark | Jun 25 2005, 09:25 PM Post #10 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Yes. Your rules. Stick to them. I have been dealing with pre-teen and now teen internet access. I am a computer consultant working in the home. My daughters have been using computers since they were about 18 months old. They know the rules. We are very open minded yet we are also "know the limits" type parents. We have discussed everything with our daughters and I mean everything. They do iChat (AIM) with friends only and are neo-pet participants as well. It is a difficult balance but it can be maintained as long as you are pro-active and open. You have made the correct discussions here. Stick to your guns. You are doing the right thing. |
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___.___ (_]===* o 0 When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells | |
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| justme | Jun 26 2005, 08:15 AM Post #11 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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gosh, is there any way to report the 54 year old man?????? What a creep. |
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"Men sway more towards hussies." G-D3 | |
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| Luke's Dad | Jun 27 2005, 06:02 AM Post #12 |
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Emperor Pengin
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Thanks for the advice, guys! I did get my S-I-L online with the Neo-Pets thing, and she seems to be enjoying that, and all is well as far as she goes. Father-in-law, however........ Here I am turning off Family Guy because the disclaimer before it came on led me to believe that it wouldn't be appropriate, and he's bought them the movie American Wedding and the video game "Grand Theft Auto". How my wife turned out ok and with good morals, I'll never know. |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| jodi | Jun 27 2005, 06:35 AM Post #13 |
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Fulla-Carp
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I am constantly amazed at what movies parents will let their really young kids watch. I remember my daughter coming home in the second and third grade telling me what some of her classmates were watching. Unbelievable. It seems to be the same parents that let their kids stay up til all hours, so they end up seeing whatever movies mom and dad want to watch. Jodi
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Jodimy artlog ~ todayatmydesk.weebly.com | |
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| dolmansaxlil | Jun 27 2005, 06:39 AM Post #14 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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The 5 year old I was doing home instruction for due to severe behaviour issues was a classic example of this. He used to come in and tell me in great detail about his favourite movies - Terminator and Terminator II. He's seen I, Robot several times. He plays Grand Theft Auto. He's seen a slew of the Dawn of the Dead type movies. And they wonder why he has trouble understanding that he can't be violent?
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"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson My Flickr Photostream | |
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| justme | Jun 27 2005, 06:39 AM Post #15 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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It amazes me as well. My kids although older still enjoy Walt Disney movies. The 18 year had friends over the other night to watch a movie. I peeked in his room and lo and behold they were watching Alladin. They're favorite movies as kids were the Road movies with Bob Hope and Bing Crosby. IMHO it's important for kids to learn that there are "happy endings" in life and that the good prevail. |
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"Men sway more towards hussies." G-D3 | |
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| ivorythumper | Jun 27 2005, 08:56 AM Post #16 |
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
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What blessings you have in your life, Peg. You have every reason to be proud of the good work you've done in raising your children. |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
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| Mark | Jun 27 2005, 09:03 AM Post #17 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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My teen and pre-teen's favorite new movie is The Phantom of The Opera. I think they have watched it 10 times in the past week! |
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___.___ (_]===* o 0 When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells | |
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| katie | Jun 27 2005, 10:29 AM Post #18 |
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Fulla-Carp
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Kids will be kids. Who among us never sneaked behind the back of a parent as a pre-teen/teen? Parents should both encourage and monitor their children's activities (online & offline). We should try to be good role models also. This is socialization for kids nowadays. It's the presence of the 54 yr. old that bothers me. The other stuff doesn't bother me so much ... But your house, your rules. Even as a non-parent it's good to be consistent, to make & enforce basic rules. This is discipline. Kids need to respect their elders. A question though: Does the S-I-L fully understand your basis of concern re the 54 yr. old? Do you feel it's appropriate to tell her or to have this conversation with her? Maybe this is a "parent thing" to you? Pre-teens need lots of rationale for everything. Maybe you can remember these years.
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| Luke's Dad | Jun 27 2005, 10:41 AM Post #19 |
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Emperor Pengin
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I agree with you, Katie, and I also think there are times that you should let them "get away" with something if it's not too damaging. Just so that they can see the consequences of their actions and learn from it. |
| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| katie | Jun 27 2005, 10:49 AM Post #20 |
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Fulla-Carp
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I editied & added LD. Girls are yappy ... they also are more "cognitive" too. For many preteen girls, they need to practice their language and perception based skills ... They will become women someday . The internet is likely an important medium for them. Taking away their internet is like taking away the phone !! Remember back when LD ... (if you had sisters that is) . I wouldn't be punishing a girl for doing what she usually does at home ... & with her dad's permission. She just needs to understand your concerns (rationale) and play by your rules. IMHO, of course.
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| Luke's Dad | Jun 27 2005, 11:00 AM Post #21 |
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Emperor Pengin
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We went over it what my concerns were, and why I didn't feel comfortable with her going to that site. We also had a discussion about what is appropriate and inappropriate "chat" with strangers, went over warning signs and when to get offline. She seemed to understand that I was worried about her own safety, and have no problem with her being online, but I do expect her to follow some basic rules. I also made it clear that I wasn't mad at her, and she wasn't in trouble or being punished. Then I distracted her with neo-pets!
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| The problem with having an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it. | |
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| justme | Jun 27 2005, 11:07 AM Post #22 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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BTW, IT, my kids are far from perfect. They are very expensive and the 18 year old has yet to get a summer job. By now it's too late because he moves to Tampa in 3 weeks. We've cut him off of all funds but somehow he still goes out with his friends and they end up feeding him. We won't even give him money for gas. But, then his friend's mom gave $20 the other day because her son doesn't drive yet. Bottom line he's a great kid but he's a mooch. |
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"Men sway more towards hussies." G-D3 | |
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| katie | Jun 27 2005, 11:29 AM Post #23 |
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Fulla-Carp
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Damn ... great offensive strategy LD !! I forgot to say that pre-teen girls are very distractable. Many never grow out of this either
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| Amanda | Jun 27 2005, 11:52 AM Post #24 |
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Senior Carp
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I have a very serious problem with Internet use and my two sons. True, I am unusually non computer savvy. But there would enver have been a way to keep up with them. They were born with silicon in their blood. The older one - well, he's a special case. - and besides, when he was home, it was mostly a matter of monitoring video game playing. This was a while ago. But the younger one (now sixteen) -- I have made the decision to reply primarily on trust. It's making a virtue out of necessity, but it's still a virtue. And there's NO way I could have monitored his computer surfing and more. He is - among other things - a cryptography expert! So far it's worked out pretty well. He's confided many things in me which I could never have discovered by trying to monitor l his use with software or detective work. When (as is so often the case) kids are WAY more competent than their parents, computer access is like having invisible keys to an invisible car. You simply MUST deal with their use through education and trust. Plus of course - "know thy kid." |
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[size=5] We should tolerate eccentricity in others, almost to the point of lunacy, provided no one else is harmed.[/size] "Daily Telegraph", London July 27 2005 | |
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| ivorythumper | Jun 27 2005, 12:14 PM Post #25 |
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
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And it's wonderful when they grow up to be distractable WOMEN! ![]() Thank heaven for little girls for little girls get bigger every day! Thank heaven for little girls they grow up in the most delightful way! Those little eyes so helpless and appealing one day will flash and send you crashin' thru the ceilin' Thank heaven for little girls thank heaven for them all, no matter where no matter who for without them, what would little boys do? Thank heaven... thank heaven... Thank heaven for little girls! |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
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Jodi (whose 13 daughter does Neopets chatrooms and message boards all the time, and none of them involve 54 year old men who talk about lesbian relationships.)
It's more a matter of protection. This just isn't safe. I don't want to see anything happen to her here, or at home.

. The internet is likely an important medium for them. Taking away their internet is like taking away the phone !! Remember back when LD ... (if you had sisters that is)
. I wouldn't be punishing a girl for doing what she usually does at home ... & with her dad's permission. She just needs to understand your concerns (rationale) and play by your rules. IMHO, of course.



4:58 PM Jul 10