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| Open mouth, Insert foot; or things people wish they'd never said | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 24 2005, 04:37 PM (663 Views) | |
| markallen | Jun 24 2005, 04:37 PM Post #1 |
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Middle Aged Carp
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I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. ---- I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." ---- My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. ---- While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving RIGHT NOW she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. ---- Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! ---- This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing! so hard! |
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| Fizzygirl | Jun 24 2005, 05:07 PM Post #2 |
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Fulla-Carp
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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. ~ Garrison Keillor My latest videos. | |
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| ivorythumper | Jun 24 2005, 05:08 PM Post #3 |
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I am so adjective that I verb nouns!
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:lol: |
| The dogma lives loudly within me. | |
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| Mark | Jun 24 2005, 05:25 PM Post #4 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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___.___ (_]===* o 0 When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. H.G. Wells | |
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| Improviso | Jun 24 2005, 07:03 PM Post #5 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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I'm rolling.... those were great. ![]()
I got your kielbasa... right here.
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Identifying narcissists isn't difficult. Just look for the person who is constantly fishing for compliments and admiration while breaking down over even the slightest bit of criticism. We have the freedom to choose our actions, but we do not get to choose our consequences. | |
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| kenny | Jun 24 2005, 07:14 PM Post #6 |
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HOLY CARP!!!
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Excellent!
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| Amanda | Jun 24 2005, 08:30 PM Post #7 |
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Senior Carp
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When I was looking for vacuum cleaners a few years ago, I decided to shop at a small shop near my home. John, the proprietor (kind of cute), had fixed other vacs of mine in years past, and so I skipped Sears and checked out his wares first. I told him that on account of a bad back and no carpets to speak of, I just wanted a small but very powerful floor model and described the long list of specs I hoped to find: retractable cord, tools on board, able to be hand-held for climbing stairs, and one that would even turn into leaf blower if needed. I complained about a previous small model I'd had too. It had been great but had overheated rapidly, making it impossible to hold. I wanted to be sure to avoid that pitfall. There's just something about vacs and the language pertaining. You'd have thought he'd have known by then but all the same... He visually scanned all his models, thought a good while, finally picking up a small European number. John told me it had everything I was asking for, but that it was a little on the on the pricy side. He showed me the tool compartment and the long cord which shot in when he pressed a foot pedal - all features I'd asked for. Then he wound up his spiel. "I can't lie to you, though, Amanda. She does get a bit overheated even when you haven't used her too hard, but you can still handle her fine if you use the strap." He became much more enthusiastic, speaking rapidly. "GREAT, really great suction, though, even though she's so small, and best of all - Man, can this baby blow!!" I tried very hard not to - and so did the other customers in the store, once we saw how red his face had gotten. Finally, though, I just started laughing so hard I thought I'd pop. |
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[size=5] We should tolerate eccentricity in others, almost to the point of lunacy, provided no one else is harmed.[/size] "Daily Telegraph", London July 27 2005 | |
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| JBryan | Jun 24 2005, 08:35 PM Post #8 |
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I am the grey one
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"Man, can this baby suck!" would have better even though it may have not been construed as a good endorsement. |
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"Any man who would make an X rated movie should be forced to take his daughter to see it". - John Wayne There is a line we cross when we go from "I will believe it when I see it" to "I will see it when I believe it". Henry II: I marvel at you after all these years. Still like a democratic drawbridge: going down for everybody. Eleanor: At my age there's not much traffic anymore. From The Lion in Winter. | |
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