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How do you help someone from a distance?
Topic Started: Jun 22 2005, 04:46 PM (249 Views)
dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!
I have a friend who is going through a very rough time. He's fallen into a depression, and it's scaring me to death. He lives far away, so I can't be there to see what's going on - I have to rely on phone calls. He doesn't like to talk about his problems - it's not how he deals with things. He withdraws completely instead.

I don't know what to do for him. I'm the kind of person who has to talk things through (gee, ya think? ;) ) and would be hurt if I was in the mood he's been in and acting the way he's been acting and people weren't concerned and trying to help. But it just seems to make things worse. NOT talking about it is really hard, too, because I'm so worried and of course I'm a talker. I'm trying to respect his wishes by not pressing him about it, but I think i'm failing him there. And I'm so incredibly worried that he might do something really stupid.

How do I help him? What can I do?
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
Wow
This is tough; I'm a talker too.

You said you can only call him.
I'd to that, a lot.

Don't ask questions or probe or try to be a can opener.
Instead just be comfortable talking to him.
Talk about everything.
Tell him about your work; ask him about his, etc.
Show him you trust him by revealing a few personal things about yourself.
I think the idea is to make him feel safe with you.
In time he may start to benefit from using you as an outlet for what is bothering him.

One other thing I have done for the few people I have known in this situation is I talk about some of the tough times I have had and what I did to improve.
I've told people I have spent time in talk therapy with a good therapist and it really did help.

Also, are there caring people near him you can contact and show your concern to?
I sense you are concerned about suicide.
Get the suicide hotline and have it ready, give it to his friends and family incase he contact them.
Get trained and train his friends and family about the signs of suicide.

I think being there and listening are the most effective things.
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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
Call his local suicide hotline.
Tell them what you told us.

Ask them for advice.
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!
All good suggestions, kenny. I'm going to address a couple of them.

He doesn't have anyone there really. People he knows from work. His ex wife. That's it. No friends. He's always been that way. As far as the trust goes - I know beyond a doubt that he trusts me with everything. The fact that I know as much as I do is astounding.

I'm actually not worried about suicide, per se. In his words "I'm too egotistical to off myself" (this was long before any depression). However, he had a catastrophically bad childhood and for a long while was a cutter. I'm worried about THAT type of behaviour - and I can already see lower levels of that happening (in more acceptable ways, luckily).

This is killing me. I want to fly out there NOW and do whatever I can. I just don't know what I'd do even if I were there.
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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kenny
HOLY CARP!!!
dol
Here are some people to talk to:

Self-Injury Hotline
SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program
www.selfinjury.com
1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

It couldn't hurt to also learn about signs of suicide.
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dolmansaxlil
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HOLY CARP!!!
Thanks, kenny. I'm off to the website right now.

"Luckily", I'm VERY familiar with the signs of suicide. He's not showing them, but I'm paying attention.
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." ~ Henri Cartier-Bresson

My Flickr Photostream


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Amanda
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Senior Carp
If he's answering the phone, he's not that far gone. Likewise if he's going to work.
Keep calling - and emailing him.

You may not feel you're making a difference but chances are you
are the only person who's persevering. People where he 's "at", tend to turn others off. Chances are , he's succeeded.

The main thing you can do, is to be available. One of these days, he may surprise you and open up a little...and maybe a little more. Meanwhile, don't give up - not even if he turns hostile sometime. Anger and depression are closely linked. Doesn;t mean it's a good idea to hang on the phone, but short calls - regular ones - are an entree. It is NOT important to talk about his feelings all or most of the time. Just think of a few topics, maybe mundane ones (even politics!) to chat about, The main message he's getting is from the fact that you're calling - i.e., "I care." He's lucky to have you.

They say "Nine tenths of life is showing up". That's even truer of friendship. And it doesn't have to be showing up in person.

BTW there are some EXCELLENT on-line support groups for depressed people. More than you an imagine...though not all equally good. They're especially good because they appeal to those who are withdrawn

Also, hearing about other people who feel like you - and worse - can be very helpful. In fact, next thing you know, he might find he was reaching out to help somebody else having an even worse time. He might eventually get involved depending on his area, in a live support group. In my view, support groups are one of the really great developments of this generation. And there are a LOT for depressive illness, including bipolar.

There are a lot of good meds out there too, which can help most people - that plus therapy and lifestyle changes (exercise has been shown to be almost as effective as anything), but he'll have to find that out for himeself when he's ready. "care packages" of cookies or CDs can be very appreciated too - even a dried flower, or a little pinecone you found on a walk. If you're up for it, it can be really helpful to let him know he can call you anytime. Then if the dark thoughts hit him at three AM - he will have your number to call.

The thing about depression is that it's a kind of psychic malignancy - feeds on itself -, and one of the main symptoms is the conviction that one is worthless and undeserving of help...
[size=5]
We should tolerate eccentricity in others, almost to the point of lunacy, provided no one else is harmed.
[/size]

"Daily Telegraph", London July 27 2005
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big al
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Bull-Carp
Dol, I don't have any practical advice to give. I hope and will pray that your efforts to reach out to your friend will help him to overcome whatever may be besetting him.

He is fortunate to have a kind and caring friend. I hope that people with useful information like Kenny and Amanda will continue to share it here.

Big Al
Location: Western PA

"jesu, der simcha fun der man's farlangen."
-bachophile
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