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Ned Havighurst
Topic Started: May 5 2018, 02:24 PM (212 Views)
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Name: Ned Havighurst
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: George Hunter High
Hobbies and Interests: Nu metal, working out, reading books, music festivals

Appearance: Ned is 6’0” tall and weighs 184 pounds. The results of his exercising is visible in his toned muscles. In school his facial expression is often grumpy or cold, but when he is happy enough to show some teeth with a big wide smile, they are slightly yellow. He has a swimmer's build.

While his muscular arms would normally be relatively hairy, he tries to shave them weekly to appear better. He also has his red-brown, square goatee, he maintains every third day. Because of the beard he also appears older. His naturally red hair is cut to a buzz cut. He has brown eyes and bushy eyebrows, his skin is light and his face is diamond-shaped. He also regularly wears his black classic wayframe glasses.

He also has a mole on the back of his head that is sometimes visible through his hair. He usually wears henleys or flannel shirts with jeans. On the day of abduction he wore a red flannel shirt with light-blue jeans. Underneath it he wears a white tank top. His left arm is full of festival bracelets.

Biography: Ned was born to Eddie Havighurst and his wife Adriana in Chattanooga. Eddie is a carpenter who was born in Macon but moved to Chattanooga for his apprenticeship, Adriana is a Chattanooga-born cashier. They met each other through a dating website. Both worked enough together to make ends meet and could afford having a child. They are a loving family and take care of Ned. Their relationship is good.

In elementary Ned was a lonely kid, often playing by himself in the breaks. The teachers, having noticed, said he appeared to be alone all of the time and encouraged him to interact more with his classmates. Ned listened to the teachers and began to play more with his classmates. He enjoyed playing sports with the other kids and in the course of his school career he tried out different kind of sports and enjoys most of them.

A big part of his family is also his dog, Joey, who he has owned since he was twelve. Ned loved dogs since his childhood and loved to visit Eddie's mother Josephine, who owned a dog too. Ned wanted his parents to have a dog too, and eventually his parents decided to give him a dog as a birthday present that also would give the young Ned more responsibility. Ned enjoys taking care of Joey and Joey makes Ned happy; Ned considers their companionship as a friendship.

Ned grew up with Iron Maiden as both Eddie and Adriana have been big fans of the band and metal in general. In his early teenage years he also was introduced to Linkin Park whose style of music he really enjoyed because of the songs filled with energy but also with emotional lyrics. He soon discovered more nu metal bands like for example Limp Bizkit and would regularly visit Off The Record to discover more metal or rock records. His current favourite band is System of a Down, as he enjoys the sound of their albums and also because he loves the political messages they have since his political views are identical to theirs. He specifically likes their criticism on US politics, he himself is not a big fan of, specifically the politics of Canon and McAllister. He wants to have a fair world and wants to protect and support the weak. In his daily life he wants to act accordingly.

His enjoyment of physical activity holds on to this day as in his free time Ned likes to work out. He regularly visits the gym, three to four times a week, mainly working out in row machines and weights. He likes to burn off his energy and it makes him feel better about himself. In the gym he also got closer with some classmates he knows from school. Ned only has a close group of friends he regularly sees, as he is still someone who prefers to be alone in his free time, as sometimes social interaction feels exhausting to him.

Ned is proud of his body and sometimes posts selfies of himself on instagram to boost his ego - most of the pictures being without his glasses as he does not like wearing them.

When Ned has enough money he loves to go to festivals and concerts to watch his favourite bands perform live. He has a collection of all of his festival bracelets and proudly wears them. During festivals he likes to meet new people and talk to them as he is having a good time there. He also likes to drink alcoholic drinks there that he gets from friends who are older than him. He enjoys being drunk as he is most often more happy and talkative and finds it more easy to talk to strangers.

Ned is not exactly shy, but is very careful of his words and values politeness. He is a rather relaxed person who likes to do things on his own and do things his way. In school he is not a talkative fellow as he is very thoughtful and careful of his words, though he is not afraid to speak up if a weaker student is threatened. Some kids respect him for committing himself for others, especially for weaker students who cannot verbally defend themselves, when there is either a debate going on or when there is bullying involved.

There is no school subject he struggles with as he is a very focused student. Aside from PE, Ned favours English classes as he loves literature in general. He is reading a lot of books in his free time - ranging from classic novels to books about how to train your body to entertaining books like thrillers. He also likes poetry and recently discovered different forms of performance poetry such as slam poetry or dub poetry. His favourite poet is Benjamin Zephaniah and he is a fan of him as person and his views on various subjects as well.

After high school Ned aspires to become a social worker as he wants to have a job that can help people in need.

Advantages: Ned is an athletic fellow who is strong and may appear threatening. He also is a confident and careful person who would be able to lead a group.
Disadvantages: He only has a selected group of people he would trust and is nearsighted.
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Rattlesnake
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Now you may be wondering, who was wearing the bolo tie? Me or the shark? Answer: YES!
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Hello o/

Before he can be approved, Ned needs a good deal more fleshing out. Most aspects of the bio require some additional detail, information, or justification.

First off, Ned being 19 and still in highschool needs some explanation. That's above the age where students graduate without any special circumstances or failing a year.

Quote:
 
Ned is 6’0” tall and weighs 184 pounds. His body is well-trained and he appears muscular. One can rarely see him smiling in school and he may appear grumpy or cold to others, however when drunk, partying or with friends he can be seen with a big wide smile.


The second sentence is phrased awkwardly and takes a step back from Ned himself. It should refer to him more directly, E.G. "He is visibly muscular" or "The results of his exercise are visible in his toned muscles." The third sentence is informal and also pulls back a bit. It should just state facts about him directly. He also needs some more definition of his body type - he clearly works out, but what does he look like overall? Top-heavy? Swimmer's build?

Quote:
 
Ned has a clear-cut face that he regularly takes care of. While his muscular arms would normally be relatively hairy, he tries to shave them weekly to appear less gross. He also has his red-brown, square goatee, he maintains every third day. Because of the beard he also appears older. His naturally red hair is cut to a buzz cut. He has brown eyes and bushy eyebrows. He also regularly wears his black classic wayframe glasses.


I'm not totally sure what the first sentence is going for. "Clear-cut" isn't a term commonly used with faces and implies that he's clean-shaven, which he's not. "Well-groomed" would convey a composed appearance. "Less gross" is also a bit informal. This paragraph is also missing some details - what's the general shape of his face? Is his skin dark, light, or somewhere in between? There should be enough detail to make an accurate sketch.

The paragraph on clothing is also in need of filling in. How does he express himself with a typical outfit? What's his general style?

Quote:
 
Ned was born to Eddie Havighurst and his wife Adriana. Eddie is a carpenter and Adriana a cashier who have met each other through a dating website.
This needs more detail. Where exactly was Ned born? And how did his parents end up there? What's their overall financial situation? His general relationship with his parents also needs to be touched on at some point in the biography.

The biography section needs some rearranging into rough chronological order. The paragraph about the influence of music through his teens, for example, should come after the mention of him getting a dog at twelve years old, which should come after the part about elementary school.

Quote:
 
His favourite band up to date is System of a Down, as he enjoys the sound of their albums and also because he loves the political messages they have since his political views are identical to theirs.
What ideas specifically does Ned identify with? Does he care a lot about politics in general, or does he just feel a particular resonance in this one case? Also, the phrasing is a little awkward here and "up to date" can be cut out or rephrased into something like "current favorite band."

Ned's dog could use a little more elaboration as a major part of his family. How did he come to own the dog? Is there anything specifically he likes doing with it or is it just the responsibility/companionship?

Quote:
 

In school he is not a talkative fellow as he is very thoughtful and careful of his words, which makes him appear smart. He is respected amongst his classmates and commits himself for others, especially for weaker students who cannot verbally defend themselves, when there is either a debate going on or when there is bullying involved.


"Appearing smart" for being reserved with his words is a bit too much of a judgement call for a profile. His defending other students comes out of nowhere especially because it's at odds with his reserved nature.

In his disadvantages, the fact that Ned has enemies among the right-wing students isn't supported by anything in the biography. That needs to be explained in the biography or removed.

Address everything here and I'll give Ned another look.
VeeFive


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NO. THERE IS NO MORE TIME, EVEN FOR CAKE. FOR YOU, THE CAKE IS OVER. YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF CAKE.

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Ruggahissy
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Assuming control.

Hello, I'm Ruggahissy wearing some snake skin. Let's take a look.

"The results of his exercise are visible in his toned muscles."

- Should be "the results of his exercising IS visible in his toned muscles." Exercise is singular and should be exercising, so the verb has to match.

"but when he is drunk "

- Put a pin in this and we'll come back.

"Ned has a distinctive face that he regularly takes care of. "

- You can remove that. Next sentence tells us about his face and what he does to take care of it so we don't need this.

Moving on to bio

" The teachers, having noticed that, reflected on him that he appears to be alone all of the time and encouraged him to interact more with his classmates. "

- Not sure what the right word would be here but "reflected" is for sure not correct. Maybe "discussed with him that he appeared to be alone." Also "appears" should be "appeared" because this is all in the past tense.

"He specifically likes their criticism on US politics, he himself is not a big fan of."

- What politics does he specifically disagree with or not like?

"He regularly goes to the gym where he also got closer with some classmates."

-Grammar problem. He "goes" to the gym (present tense) where he "got" closer to people (past tense). It's either he goes to the gym and gets closer to people or he went to the gym and got closer to some classmates.

- What kind of workouts does he like to do? Treadmill? Swim? Row machine? Weights? Elliptical? Why does he like to work out and how did he meet these workout buddies? How often does he work out?

"When Ned has enough money he loves to go to festivals and concerts to watch his favourite bands perform live. He is collecting all of his festival bracelets and proudly wears them. During festivals he engages in the act of drinking alcoholic drinks and usually gets drunk"

- Two things here. One, it should be music festivals in his hobbies and interests up at the top. I thought maybe he liked cultural festivals or holiday festivals. Two, he's not getting served alcohol at festivals and concerts. He is underaged and the venues or vendors can lose their licenses if they give alcohol to a minor. Typically if you go to a concert or musical festival with drinking you are given a wrist band of a different color if you can drink or you have to show ID.

- Why does he stand up for weaker students? There's nothing else in the profile to indicate why he'd care about someone being
bothered.

- "He is respected amongst his classmates" this is a bit of a blanket statement and I don't think we can decide that the other kids feel this way. You can tone it down or leave more room for interpretation with something like "Many kids respect him."

- What does Ned want to do after high school?

- Does he have any friends?

- What is his relationship like with his parents?

- Give me a quick paragraph recap on his personality. As of right now I know he keeps to himself and he stands up for people but that's about it.

- In advantages it says he is confident but there's nothing about that in the profile.

- I don't know that having close friends counts as a disadvantage.

That's it. Post when done!

things
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